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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not see the urgency to get married just because we have children together?!

160 replies

Zebraa · 02/03/2009 20:40

I'm mid twenties, have two children (15 months and 2 weeks) both were not planned, second one actually more of a suprise than the first! I'm a teacher but had to give it up once I got pregnant with DD whilst on mat leave. My DP has a really good job but like me, is young and just at the start of his career etc.

All my friends and family came over at weekend and we went out for dinner and the topic for the night seemed to be when is my DP asking me to marry him! Ok, funny at first but it seemed everyone and their dog feels we should get married as we have two babies! If we didn't have children, they wouldn't feel the need to say it as our friends have been together years, have no kids and nobody says anything to them.

So, AIBU to think marriage isn't the rule just because we've started a family?!!

OP posts:

themildmanneredjanitor · 02/03/2009 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 02/03/2009 22:29

Or you could campaign to publicise the steps people need to take to protect their children's and co-parents' rights without having to marry if they object to the idea.
My DS' dad and I are not married: we are not even a couple (so we don't have any issues about house ownership anyway) but all his family and all my family know that if I dropped dead DS would go and live with his dad, and if his dad dropped dead all his {the dad's) family would still be involved in DS' life.
Many people have perfectly valid objections to marriage and are entitled to reject marriage if they want to.

Ronaldinhio · 02/03/2009 22:29

yabu

we were engaged with the loose idea of getting hitched until I bizarrley become pregnant which resulted in Mr R getting down on one knee in our very untidy sitting room to propose
Turns out he was much more "trad" that I knew

Nowt as strange...

wrinklytum · 02/03/2009 22:29

Sorry didn't mean to be depressing but I was being a bit ostrich like with regard to future planning WRT wills and stuff.

I know you think it will never hasppen to you,I never expected my otherwise fit and healthy dp to develop a horrid illness but it happened.Neither did I expect my lovely seemingly normal at birth dd to end up with severe delays but it happened....there really are no guarantees in life,and though it sounds morbid it is an important consideration.Anyway,will bow out now

FAQinglovely · 02/03/2009 22:31

ahh I see someone has already linked to Yorkiegirls thread - have nothing more to add really.

sobanoodle · 02/03/2009 22:38

Perfectly ok not to get married if you don't see enough reason to, but get on now with making wills, POA provision etc to protect your children .

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 02/03/2009 22:42

Once you have children you have to decide whether you reject marriage or not. If you reject marriage then you must sort out parental responsibility/financial issue.

It's the one time when being wishy-washy with regards to your children is actively doing them harm.

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 22:51

Once you have children it is in their best interests to get married. If you don't then you need to have sorted out everything very carefully, especially if one of you dies. When my brother had a very bad accident abroad it was my mother who was his next of kin, his fiancee didn't count for any decision making. This was some time ago, maybe things have changed but I would see a solicitor and make sure of the legal position. Sorry to sound depressing, but there is no point in leaving things to chance and then finding out the pitfalls. You have responsibilities once you have children. Everyone says that it is just a piece of paper but my brother's fiancee found that it was a very important piece of paper.You may not have the rights that you think you have. (I don't know a lot about it-maybe you do have rights but I would check if I were you).

trixymalixy · 02/03/2009 22:52

This has turned into a bit of a depressing thread. Sorry, but that is the harsh reality.

At least you are now aware of more of the facts than you previously were.

If you don't want to get married then please make a will etc as others have suggested.

myfunnynametaken · 02/03/2009 22:54

wise words from Laurie there. I agree once you have kids it's decision time. And if you decide against marriage then other issues must have legal weight attached to them.

I just wanted to add, I know it's annoying when people try to tell you what to do, but don't bite off your nose to spite your face. What I mean is, don't not get married just because your family want you to. Does that make sense?

Do what's best for you and your dp and your dcs.

Incidently, what does DP think of it all? Is he pro or anti?

cat64 · 02/03/2009 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MilaMae · 02/03/2009 23:12

Zebra I share your feelings.Dp and I have been together 20 years(way longer than most people on this thread have probably been married) and have 3 dc.

Not being married is NOT harming my dc, they won't feel anything knowing we didn't see the point in marriage and us being unmarried is NOT harming my dc how ridiculous. If we don't marry they'll know we didn't need a silly piece of paper to stay together- a piece of paper many just end up ripping up anyway. We love each other and stay together for that reason and the dc alone not because a piece of paper tells us to. I'd far rather my dc knew that.

Our house is in joint names and both dp and I will be provided for if either dies-our children do not NEED us to get married. We're seriously considering it because the extra money would be good if either died but how awful is that!!!! I'd much rather we'd have the same benefits as married couples so we wouldn't have to bother.

cory · 02/03/2009 23:15

I can perfectly well understand your feelings. What I do think you have a duty to do though is to go through all the paperwork, make sure there is a will, the house (if you have one) is in both your names etc etc. You don't have to get depressed over it, just get it organised and then you won't have to think about it.

Leo9 · 02/03/2009 23:16

I think children very often like the security and certainty of knowing that their parents got married to each other. Children are very literal and see the logical conclusion of adults being in love, as adults getting married.

I am not sure I shall ever see what's to be reluctant about with getting married when you have two children with someone. You have made the lifelong link with that person which can never be broken; you will ALWAYS be those children's mum and dad. Marriage is a walk in the park, committment-wise, after that. And it gives those children as many others have said, financial security which you would have to be very organised to sort so neatly via a solicitor without marrying.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 02/03/2009 23:16

You are not 'harming' your dc by not getting married as you have considered and put in place legal stuff if one of you dies.

The harm results if you do nothing at all.

Agree that couples with children should have the same legal rights - unfortunately you have to actively set things in place

MilaMae · 02/03/2009 23:19

Public declaration of love-snort!!!

Our public declaration of love is the fact that after 20 years of growing up together, surviving the production of 3 dc in 15months and all the other thrills and spills that 20 years throw at you we're still strong as ever.

I guess we're pretty lucky too.

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 23:25

It is not a silly piece of paper-it is all important! I was in the position of Yorkie girl, I was a widow in my 20's. Not only did I get a widowed mother's allowance from the state, I got a very good widow's pension from my DH's employer + a lump sum,our son gets a pension until he finishes full time education or the age of 25, whichever comes first. I would have been in a real mess without it, probably have had to have gone and lived with my parents. His parents would have been the ones to plan the funeral -I know they would have let me do as I wished but that is only because they are nice people. Really check it out-don't just go for people who say it is a silly piece of paper when they have no experience of the worst happening. Also don't think it can't happen to you-I didn't imagine it would happen to me.

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 23:28

If you don't want the silly peice of paper I would get very good life cover instead-we didn't have any being young and thinking it wouldn't happen to us-which is why I would have been in a total mess.

MilaMae · 02/03/2009 23:30

My dc 5,5 and 4 do not care-at all!!!!!! All dd wants is the opportunity of seeing mummy in a ballgown riding off on a unicorn (her idea of marriage). They've never once brought it up even though dsis is getting married this year and dd will be bridesmaid.

I don't think children today do see marriage as a logical conclusion,parents not being married is pretty common. My dc just see loving someone as an ongoing journey you work at(far more important than a public declaration) as that is what they know.They don't know about marriage, they've never been to one and up until recently all 4 of their cousins had unmarried parents too. Many of their friends parents aren't married either. They really don't feel they're missing out.

MilaMae · 02/03/2009 23:31

We do have very good life cover.

FAQinglovely · 02/03/2009 23:33

but it's not just life cover - who will legally take care of your children if you were to die? Your family may well say "yes ok your DP can look after them" - but the reality is that often after death things change - and nasty legal battles ensure if nothing is written down in a legally binding way before hand.

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 23:39

I don't think that DCs mind as it quite usual to have parents who are not married. I just think it is important for OP to know that it is a bit different if you have children from being childless. Firstly they need to seek legal advice and find out what rights they have and then they need to safeguard the children by putting in place anything that will be missing by not being married. They are burying their heads in the sand if they think it is only a piece of paper. If you all live happily ever after you don't need it-but you need to be prepared for life not turning out the way you intend.

Leo9 · 02/03/2009 23:39

I guess it totally depends on your local situation! Thinking of DS' class there are only two unmarried parents so for him and his peers marriage is certainly the norm and something they have a firm frame of reference for - they even began talking about civil partnerships in year R!

Leo9 · 02/03/2009 23:41

btw pisces I'm so sorry to hear of what happened to you. Absolutely the last thing you think of happening to a young mum. I do agree that it's so important to put the legal stuff in place - life has a habit of happening doesn't it, whether you've planned for it or not.

MilaMae · 02/03/2009 23:43

But said piece of paper is often just ripped up then you're back to square one and penniless thanks to paying wedding bills and divorce lawyers.

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