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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see the urgency to get married just because we have children together?!

160 replies

Zebraa · 02/03/2009 20:40

I'm mid twenties, have two children (15 months and 2 weeks) both were not planned, second one actually more of a suprise than the first! I'm a teacher but had to give it up once I got pregnant with DD whilst on mat leave. My DP has a really good job but like me, is young and just at the start of his career etc.

All my friends and family came over at weekend and we went out for dinner and the topic for the night seemed to be when is my DP asking me to marry him! Ok, funny at first but it seemed everyone and their dog feels we should get married as we have two babies! If we didn't have children, they wouldn't feel the need to say it as our friends have been together years, have no kids and nobody says anything to them.

So, AIBU to think marriage isn't the rule just because we've started a family?!!

OP posts:
Hulababy · 05/03/2009 12:34

Yorkiegirl's thread says it all.

Yes, get married for love and all the rest. I think that is what most opeople do.

But financial security, esp in the death of a spouse, IS a very good reason to get married, along side the love issue.

If your spouse dies you really are ina much better position in terms of financial and legal support. This is not important right now whilst you are both alive and well. But the death of a partner is not generally planned - so to me it does make sense to have that security.

I don;t think it is a depressing thread; just honest. Same as making a will.

LindenAvery · 05/03/2009 12:34

The oneplusone website has various info bits
on rights in the UK concerning this.

Rather inflammatory I know but statistically a non-married couple with children are more likely to split up before the children reach the age of 5 than a married couple with children or a cohabiting couple who marry just after having children.

Joy27 · 05/03/2009 12:43

Jazzhands, I think you hit the nail on the head. If I was single now (age 28) and met someone, I might feel more inclined to marry, as a way of marking our commitment, setting it apart from other relationships I might have had before etc.

As it is, I've only had one partner, and I've been with him for nine years. We would not have got married or even thought of it for the first few years of our relationship, as we were so young. Now we are bound together by so many hundreds of shared experiences (including some truly awful stuff which many marriages would not survive), not to mention the fact that we have grown up together, that I feel we've gone beyond getting married as a natural step. I think we will get married eventually but when we do, it'll be the cherry on the cake rather than marking a new era or announcing our commitment.

The financial and legal issues are a concern, and I'll be looking into this some more after reading this thread.

But I suppose the main thrust of my slightly shouty (!) post above, which perhaps I didn't get across, is that being unmarried does not signal a lack or a lesser commitment. That's what irks me- the assumption that if you're not married, it's because you don't want to fully commit. We really are fully committed and I suppose I feel it's not up to us to get married to prove it.

FAQinglovely · 05/03/2009 12:47

oh god Hula - totally inapproriate given what your post was about but I've just snorted coffee on my keyboard reading

"But the death of a partner is not generally planned -"

I think in those circumstances the widow/widower would be well looked after within the confines of a cell

georgimama · 05/03/2009 12:49

I also agree with JazzHands.

It is still the case that the average couple have been together for something like three years and two months when they marry.

DH and I had been together for three years and three months. I was only 22 but I did feel ready.

chocoholic · 05/03/2009 12:51

I have a bit of a read through this and the other thread linked and it really makes me think as myself & Dp are not married.

I think I need to have a chat with Dp who is dead set against marriage. We have a 3 year old together so I think he may have to reconsider.

Does anyone have a link or a list of the main legal / financial benefits for marriage so I can run through these with him?

BonsoirAnna · 05/03/2009 12:54

jack99 - the Economist regularly runs articles about divorce and inheritance across the globe which highlight the different assumptions behind marriage. This is an immensely complex issue.

I only highlight the fact that the discussion is about the situation in England in order to highlight the fact that marriage is, above all, a legal contract and that the contract varies hugely from one jurisdiction to another and also varies over time in England. People have lots of erroneous assumptions about marriage that are cultural/familial baggage.

georgimama · 05/03/2009 12:56

Chocoholic, I would just show him this thread and Yorkie's thread. If that doesn't change his view then for you.

jack99 · 05/03/2009 12:57

Joy - I don't think most posters here think unmarried couples are less committed. Issues are to do with legal/financial security.

Though you are right, some posters have interfering family/friends who should mind their own business!

jack99 · 05/03/2009 13:00

Choc - oneplusone website has been mentioned in previous post by Linden.

jack99 · 05/03/2009 13:01

Anna - thanks, will have a look at those articles

chocoholic · 05/03/2009 13:12

That site is ideal, thanks Jack / Linden.

MilaMae · 05/03/2009 13:24

That date thing is odd,dp and I dragged our twin boys in end Sep 03 to be registered and to have dp's name on the certificate. He told us that dp had parental responsibility as he was there for registration-we checked at the time as it was important to us.

lal123 · 05/03/2009 13:43

Our DD was born in Nov 03 - and we had to sort out a parental responsibility order for DP - even though he's on birth certificate. The dates are different in Engalnd and Scotland. see here for english info

piscesmoon · 05/03/2009 13:48

Congratulations Zebraa!

I really isn't 'just a piece of paper', it is a shame that the myth continues. For most people it doesn't matter but if the unexpected happens and someone dies, or they have to be involved with the Foreign Office etc they find out, to their cost,that it did matter.

BonsoirAnna · 05/03/2009 13:52

But please, please be aware that getting married also has downsides from a legal perspective.

jack99 · 05/03/2009 13:55

Can you expand on that Anna?

piscesmoon · 05/03/2009 13:58

I think the upside off sets the downsides.
I don't see the point in not getting married if you have already made the greatest commitment that you can by bringing your DC into the world.
You don't have to confuse marriage with a wedding. You can just pop along to the registry office. I know a couple who did it recently, she bought a new pair of jeans and top. They took themselves off to the registry office with the baby and found two witnesses, they made it a nice day out with lunch. They told everyone afterwards and had a party. It sounded a good way to do it to me.

piscesmoon · 05/03/2009 14:00

I think the downsides are if you separate-but if you have children you shouldn't be thinking it might not work out-it is better to think positively!

JazzHands · 05/03/2009 14:01

Oh no!

All these engagements to celebrate and now Anna has thrown a spanner in the works!

BonsoirAnna · 05/03/2009 14:01

For example, under English law, if you inherit a lot of money while married and, say, use it towards the purchase of a house with your spouse, and then you subsequently divorce, your spouse will more probably than not be entitled to half your inheritance. Grrrrrrrrr.

BonsoirAnna · 05/03/2009 14:02

In English marriage you cannot ringfence your assets and protect them in marriage...

piscesmoon · 05/03/2009 14:03

That is a good thing if your partner inherits it! Swings and roundabouts really.

jack99 · 05/03/2009 14:07

Not going to present a problem for me, Anna!

JazzHands · 05/03/2009 14:08

Yes you can. You get a joint tenancy rather than a tenancy in common (or is it the other way around?)

If my dad dies his half of the house goes to my mum.

If my mum dies her half of the house goes to me and my bro. Woohoo!!!

Oh divorce though.

Isn't there something about stuff which you earned prior to the relationship being separate?

For eg I have an asset that I got before I met DH, is entirely in my name and he has never had anything to do with. If we had no children I am sure he would not be entitled to anything.

I thought it was only where children were involved that it all got tricky. Otherwise generally you took out what you put in...

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