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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Co-sleeping with new partner

113 replies

Mowgli21 · 25/02/2009 11:04

Am I wrong in thinking that it is okay to share my bed with my 4 and half year old son and my new partner?

My ex seems to think this is inapproriate behaviour. We have a 50:50 Shared Residence order and we are divorced........ Any thoughts?

OP posts:

ilove · 25/02/2009 11:05

Wrong...totally

spicemonster · 25/02/2009 11:07

How new is your new partner? I would say you'd have to have been together for at least a year to do that, sorry

SlartyBartFast · 25/02/2009 11:07

how long has the new partner been around?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 25/02/2009 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnarchyAunt · 25/02/2009 11:10

Depends.

Its not necessarily wrong at all IMO. How long have you known him, and how long have you been together?

TheThoughtPolice · 25/02/2009 11:11

Hmmm

Firstly I think yes but then I think if DP is ok with it, your DS is ok with it and you are ok with it then is it really that bad ?

I can see it from your ex's point of view too. If DH and I divorced then I would not be happy about my kids sleeping with my ex and his girlfriend.

How would you feel if exH co-slept with DS and his GF ?

Why does your 4.5yo need to co-sleep anyway ? I am presuming you mean that he sleeps with you everynight all night, rather than just crawling in at 5am every couple of days.

MrsMattie · 25/02/2009 11:12

I can see why your ex feels uncomfortable with it.

How would you feel about him and his new girl;friend co-sleeping?

I don't think it's 'wrong' (strong word) but personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

Littlefish · 25/02/2009 11:12

I think it really does depend on the relationship.

Have you been together long?
Do you both see this as a long-term relationship?
Are you living together?

Personally, I would say that it is not appropriate at the beginning of a relationship but that some way down the line, might be ok.

What is your relationship like with your ex generally? Is this the first thing he has expressed concerns about?

georgimama · 25/02/2009 11:12

Does you new partner live with you or is he in essence your "boyfriend"? Also how long have you been together?

If you've been living together for a year or more and your partner is in effect your child's step parent then not inappropriate. Otherwise, I agree with your ex. I'm surprised your new partner would want to.

Original poster

Mowgli21 · 25/02/2009 11:15

He has been around for a few months... He is not living with me, he visits occasionally and we have had two short holiday together In fact I have denied his existence to my ex...

OP posts:

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 25/02/2009 11:19

Well then YABU if you can't even admit to your ex that he is your new partner.

If you can't tell your ex the truth why would you expect him to be accepting of this? HOw would you feel if your ex denied he had a girlfriend although you knew that he was actually co-sleeping with your son and her?

Your son is 4 and a half therefore i am assuming he is able to speak? (assuming no special needs) So he will tell your ex anyway. Which is probably how he got to hear about this?

Littlefish · 25/02/2009 11:21

Given the circumstances you've described, then no, I don't think it's appropriate.

Because you have denied his existence to your ex, it also makes it look like you're suggesting co-sleeping with someone your ds (and you) have only just met.

A few months isn't very long, particularly if your ds hasn't spent much time with him and he only visits occasionally.

I think your ex has a point.

Flightattendant27 · 25/02/2009 11:22

Totally wrong. Sorry.

Littlefish · 25/02/2009 11:22

If you have 50:50 shared residence, could you partner come and stay when your ds is away instead?

Original poster

Mowgli21 · 25/02/2009 11:30

I thought that when I started the new relationship that my ex would move on and stop contact with my son. I had an interim residency order but he didn't he took me to court and got the 50:50.

I have had trouble dealing with it all and my communication with my ex is very limited. I feel that if I talk to him he will just try to get me to go back to him.

He now pays all the private school fees, I do not contribute and he is trying ot get the 50:50 varied due to my lack of communication.

I needed someone new for companionship, ut my son has reverted to sleeping with me and with my ex when with him... Security issues I suppose.....

I just want to be able to raise my son my way...... Is that wrong??

OP posts:

georgimama · 25/02/2009 11:32

You are being totally unreasonable and very foolish to boot. Your child will drop you in it. Not sure why a man would want to sleep in the same bed as a 4.5 year old whose mother he has only been with for a few months.

Odd.

SlartyBartFast · 25/02/2009 11:32

afer a mere 2 months then it is i think.
what happens if this relationship doesnt last?

you get anotehr relationship.. how long do you wait then?

AnarchyAunt · 25/02/2009 11:33

Um.... you can't expect your ex to just 'move on and stop contact' because you have met someone new.

I am starting to think the co-sleeping is wrong in this situation. Your ex, if there is a 50:50 residence order, has as much of a say as you.

And it worries me that you have just got this new partner for 'companionship' - is this the only reason you are with him? How well do you know him?

SlartyBartFast · 25/02/2009 11:33

and how would you feel if the boot were on the other foot.
your child's father having various or even one but short term girlfriend all sharing a bed?

spicemonster · 25/02/2009 11:35

Why would your ex stop contact with his son? What a bizarre thing to think.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 25/02/2009 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheThoughtPolice · 25/02/2009 11:36

Ok, I can see that you wish to comfort your son with co-sleeping. However, I feel it is very unreasonable indeed to share your bed with a very new boyfriend and your son.

Agree that you need to compromise and only sleep with your new P when your son is with his father.

I also understand that you want to avoid communicating with your ex but I do think that blocking communication is just going to make more trouble for the future. Perhaps if your DS sees you and your ex behaving maturely and communicating with each other in a reasonable way then he will relax a little ?

fryalot · 25/02/2009 11:41

you can't seriously expect your ex to move on and forget about his son just because you have a new boyfriend!

Agree with all the other posters that have said you should limit your new partner sleeping over to when your son is with his dad.

Perhaps you should consider communicating with your ex a bit more for the sake of your son, it does sound like he has some security issues, and I shouldn't imagine these are helped by your refusing to deal with his dad.

fryalot · 25/02/2009 11:42

Have you name-changed for this thread btw? Or are you new to mumsnet?

georgimama · 25/02/2009 11:43

Didn't read your last post when I was typing.

So you think your ex should just give up his son and let you play happy families with some bloke you've pretended doesn't exist? Who you needed for "companionship" (you mean sex don't you)?

You're very strange indeed.

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