Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co-sleeping with new partner

113 replies

Mowgli21 · 25/02/2009 11:04

Hi

Am I wrong in thinking that it is okay to share my bed with my 4 and half year old son and my new partner?

My ex seems to think this is inapproriate behaviour. We have a 50:50 Shared Residence order and we are divorced........ Any thoughts?

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 25/02/2009 11:45

I am very pro co-sleeping, but only because it makes breastfeeding easier and allows mothers to have a proper night's rest. I think that co-sleeping with your child and a with a new sexual partner is totally inappropriate.

Original poster
Mowgli21 · 25/02/2009 11:46

We have been split up for 18 months.... The SRO has been in place for 10 months. I never thought the ex would be able to cope as he has always worked away, but he has. We live in my home town and he knows very few people here.

I am afraid that he will get the variation he is looking for due to my limited communication, but as I said earlier I cant talk as I fear he just wants me back. Although it was a good relationship, I made my mind up that I wanted to move on.

I have been told that if I can show that I have a new relationship then the judge will look favourably on that.......

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 25/02/2009 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

georgimama · 25/02/2009 11:49

Oh come on you're winding us up.

Do you really think, do you honestly believe, that a Judge is going to grant you sole custoduy for no other reason than that you want it, you don't want your ex involved anymore, and you have some other bloke who you allow to sleep in the same bed as your 4.5 year old?

Dream on.

AnarchyAunt · 25/02/2009 11:50

FWIW I do allow my dd (5.11) to get in the bed with myself and dp when he is here (not so often as he lives 80 miles away) but...

I have known him 10 years and he has always been a good friend so dd knows him well

We have been seeing each other for a year - he is certainly not a fling

Ex is no longer around in any meaningful way by his own choosing - your situation is different in that you are attempting to replace the father for frankly unreasonable 'reasons'

unavailable · 25/02/2009 11:50

Whoever told you the judge would look favourably on a new relationship was way off the mark? What differnce should that make?
Do you mean you are in a new relationship partly because of this?

ginnny · 25/02/2009 11:50

At first I thought this was NU as my dp and I (not the dc's dad) often end up with a ds in the bed when they are ill (although usually dp gets out as both my boys kick like donkeys in their sleep ). But we've been together 3 and a half years and he is very close to the dc.
HOWEVER, having read a bit more, I think it is wrong in your case. Your ds is obviously a bit insecure about a new man being in your lives, so I think you should introduce him slowly and like others have said not have him to stay while your ds is there.
It can take children a while to adjust to new partners in their parents lives and can make them feel insecure.

AnarchyAunt · 25/02/2009 11:52

Does your new man know you have only got him around in an attempt to impress a judge into giving you sole residence?

KerryMumbles · 25/02/2009 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheThoughtPolice · 25/02/2009 11:54

You are coming across as a very selfish parent and person, OP.

Your son needs you to act like a responsible adult.

Your son needs a relationship with his father.

Your ex needs and wants a relationship with his son.

How dare you attempt to deny them of their rights to a relationship unless it is on your (frankly delusional) terms.

AnarchyAunt · 25/02/2009 11:56

Really, I'm not suprised your ex is uncomfortable with this - I am uncomfortable with what you describe and I am a fellow single parent who allows co-sleeping with a new partner.

You need to closely examine your motives and what you are trying to achieve. Your DS has the right to see his father - its not for you to take that away without good reason. And as it stands his father has a right to share decisions about the parenting.

KerryMumbles · 25/02/2009 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingCanuteIAm · 25/02/2009 11:59

If your ex goes to court and tells them that you are allowing a man you hardly know share a bed with your 4.5yo child then he will almost certainly gain the varience he is after. Why? Because it is WRONG.

You are scared to communicate because you think he wants you back? Will you go back? if not then WTF has it got to do with anything?

Stop behaving like a child and get your legal advice from someone with legal training rather than playground tittle tattle.

Oh, and stop putting your child in this position. If your ex was doing it you would think it was totally out of order - and you would be right.

No you can't raise your child your way, he has two parents, you are only one of them.

sb6699 · 25/02/2009 12:02

I am surprised your bf is comfortable co-sleeping with a child who he has not known for very long and doesn't have much contact with.

As others have said it would be different if you had been together for a year or two and were living together as a "family" but in this situation, have to be honest and say YABU.

SoupDragon · 25/02/2009 12:03

You definitely run the risk of losing custody completely.

Gunnerbean · 25/02/2009 12:06

Wasn't it Philip Larkin who once said something along the lines of "they fuck you up your mum and dad, they may not mean to but they do"

A case in point here I think..

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 25/02/2009 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 25/02/2009 12:11

Even if you had been with your new partner a while it would not persuade a judge to look favourably on a mother who has pretty much admitted she does not want to have the father in her childs life.

You need to separate your feelings for your ex from your childs needs. The shared residence order was awarded for a reason, that reason was because the judge felt that it was best for your child to have an equal and uninterrupted relationship with both parents.
You do realise that if you continue to refuse to communicate with your ex as a co-parent that the courts can award full residency to your ex don't you? Parents who frustrate contact are not looked upon well at all now. The family courts are no longer geared towards to mother, they are geared towards promoting decent co-parenting.

The childrens act states that every child has a right to an equal and ininterrupted relationship with both parents unless it can be proved that it would endanger the child.

Your ex will be using the childrens act as part of his application, you need to sort yourself out lady and stop damaging your child. Because, quite frankly, if you are playing games with new partners and communication with your ex then you are going to end up with one unhappy and confused child.

wotulookinat · 25/02/2009 12:12

Wrong.
Personally, I don't think there is any need for co-sleeping with a 4 and half year old anyway.

MadameCastafiore · 25/02/2009 12:15

No do not let this man sleep in the same bed as your child.

You have only known him a few moneths so really don't know him at all.

A judge would look very unkindly on this - rightly so - you need to know someone for more than a few months before you introduce them to your child.

KingCanuteIAm · 25/02/2009 12:16

For the first time ever I actually feel it would be in your childs interest if your ex could see this and make sure the court were aware of your ideas on the right way to conduct the parenting of your child.

You seem to have gone, I really hope that it is in shame of yourself but somehow I guess you are probably going to come back and spit vitriol at us all for daring to disagree with your perfect parenting.

mayorquimby · 25/02/2009 12:16

if this isn't a wind-up it's pone of the most depressing things i've read on here in a long time.

brightongirldownunder · 25/02/2009 12:17

Blimey........
You seriously need to ask yourself why your Ds needs to co-sleep with you.

shatteredmumsrus · 25/02/2009 12:18

not right imo

Melscorp · 25/02/2009 12:19

Mowgli21 I am sorry, but I agree with everyone!!! I am pro co-sleeping, as my DH (the FATHER of DD) and I co-sleep with DD. It started off as it was easier to breast feed.

I would NEVER put my DC in the position you are. You have only known your DP for a couple months. Are you aware of what goes on out there???

You also pointed out that your DC has emotional issues, then sort those out. I am not saying you don't have need, but what would it hurt to just reassure your DC. Either only allow your DP over when your DS is at his Dad's or when DS is with you, let DP sleep in the spare room or on the sofa if he MUST stay over (Although, frankly I don't see why you can't see him when your son is away at his Dad's as you have 50/50 custody!!!).

If I was your Ex I would have blown a GASKET!!!!!

I can't FATHOM what you are thinking!!! That poor child is crying out for attention. He doesn't need some STRANGE man sharing his Mum's bed!!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread