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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co-sleeping with new partner

113 replies

Mowgli21 · 25/02/2009 11:04

Hi

Am I wrong in thinking that it is okay to share my bed with my 4 and half year old son and my new partner?

My ex seems to think this is inapproriate behaviour. We have a 50:50 Shared Residence order and we are divorced........ Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Littlefish · 25/02/2009 12:21

Unless this is a namechange, this is the first thread and messages by the OP.

MadameCastafiore · 25/02/2009 12:21

I was in a new relationship by the way when I went to court to fight for custody of DD - the judge had my now DH on the stand - would your new partner be willing to do this for you? He will be questioned very thouroughly and the judges impression of him went a long way to me winning the case. His finances were looked into, cafcass came to his house and we had been in a relationship for 18 months - will your new DP of a few months be willing to do this for you?

Mind you my X was a knob, a drunk and violent - I did not leave him becasue I was bored I left him because the relationship was detrimental to my daughters welfare.

georgimama · 25/02/2009 12:22

People do come here as a one off to sound out the MN jury, MN is pretty infamous in the media now.

On the other hand, there was apparently an article in The Times about AIBU. Could be a wind up.

Frankly, I hope it is.

Original poster
Mowgli21 · 25/02/2009 12:26

Actually.... I apologise.... I am the ex... Everything that I have said is true... Either information gained from my son or from a friendly third party who has the ex wife's ear.....

She opposed the SRO and even appealled against it when granted. She insisted that our son was removed from his school and I fought that but I have to pay the fees, she holds the Child Benefit and refuses to part with a penny of it, she has had around £8000 in Benefits in he past 12 months, she has contributed £20 to his education and I have not received a penny. She has refused to let me be involved in our son's birthday parties and has told many lies to former friends to the point that I have no one friend in the town we live in..... But I have coped.... Our son is great but he does have issues, our relationship is fabulous... I would now never walk away, although I did contemplate it at several stages.....

She refuses mediation, it has cost me around £40k in legal fees so far because she wont even agree to holidays without going to court..... SO I have had enough..... There is plenty more but I will not bore you......

I am sorry for those of you whose men do not hang around, I understand their motives sometimes but I love my son to bits, I will never give in...

I have had to endure for 18 months a totally uncooperative woman who just wanted me to disappear and allow her to get on with her life..... My son is upset with the sleeping issues but he doesn't not complain to her because he 'loves her' his words...... I do no know what to do as long as she denies the sleeping arrangements as nobody takes any notice of our son.... Hopefully he will make up his own mind in time.........

You have all restored my faith in real people... I thought that I was being old fashioned or just miserable in complaing about her behaviour....... But it is exactly the way I have described it...... My apologies once again........

THanks - I will probably be banned from the site now.......

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 25/02/2009 12:27

We have a Mowgli(numbernumber) don't we?

Nabster · 25/02/2009 12:28

If your son is feeling insecure than i think you need to concentrate on him.

Absolutely no way to co sleeping.

If you want sex I am sure there must be times you are without your son.

KingCanuteIAm · 25/02/2009 12:29

That is a bit underhand Mowgli, however, if the situation is just as you describe it then I stand by my earlier posts.

mayorquimby · 25/02/2009 12:29

in the words duncan bannatyne...i'm out

MadameCastafiore · 25/02/2009 12:30

You need to get away from money issues - a court will not take anything to do with finances into account when dealing with custody and residence.

wotulookinat · 25/02/2009 12:31

Does your son co-sleep with you too?

Nabster · 25/02/2009 12:31

I see you have tricked us.

Great.

Original poster
Mowgli21 · 25/02/2009 12:34

Trust me... Its not tabout the money issues... They were examples.... It is all about Honesty, Communication, Cooperation and flexibility

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 25/02/2009 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LadyThompson · 25/02/2009 12:34

Well, Mowgli, I'm sorry for you. I don't think posing as your ex-wife has done you any favours - you should have just posted as yourself, there are plenty of men on here - but it sounds like a dreadful situation and I am sure you feel extremely powerless. No advice for you on what sounds like a very fraught and complicated state of affairs, but I am sorry for you.

Nabster · 25/02/2009 12:35

Honesty? After you tricked us?

unavailable · 25/02/2009 12:35

Why didnt you just post as you? I dont get it and I dont like it.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 25/02/2009 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 25/02/2009 12:36

OK so if you are the ex.....

  1. you do not need to spend thousands on solicitors fees. You can self represent, i did and simply used a barrister when it was required. Join families need fathers, they can give you access to Mackenzie Friends (someone who will support and help you with the court process) as well as put you in touch with many other men who are going through the same situation.
  1. You must stick to facts, not hearsay. No court can rule on hearsay. You need to keep a diary of all conversations, attempts at contact etc.
  1. You really need to be looking at the childrens act as well as considering prohibited steps orders aand specific issue orders. fOr example, you could have got a hearing for a Specific Issue order to allow you to spend time with your son for his birthday.
  1. If your ex is not abiding by the court order for shared residence you should have a penal notice attached to the order. It costs about £180 i court fees, is very easy to do yourself and will then allow you to bring your ex back to court every time she breaks the order and you can claim the costs from her if you have to go back to court.

In future, post your true situation, you will rapidly lose sympathy and credibility if you pose as one person and then come back as another.

Original poster
Mowgli21 · 25/02/2009 12:36

Hi Wotulookinat

Yes he does sleep with me, I am working with the health visitor to try and wean him off it.... He will sometimes settle in his own room but if he wakes up he comes and gets in with me...

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 25/02/2009 12:39

Yes, do work on that - it would solve the issue of his having to share a bed with your ex.
I don't know anything about how your custody was arranged, but is there not someone official that you could share your concerns with?

georgimama · 25/02/2009 12:39

Why on earth would you pretend to be your ex? Do you think we are all so stupid that we would automatically side with her because she's a woman?

I for one don't believe a word of it now, not because she's a woman and you're a man, but because you've lied. You must have looked around on this site, you must have seen that men post here too.

I wondered that too, Reality.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 25/02/2009 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 25/02/2009 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Mowgli21 · 25/02/2009 12:45

I would say I have been Honest, I could have walked away and not told you anything... I have posted on similar sites and received 'the treatment' as a bitter father..... That is not the case.... I am an honest Dad who loves his son and have had to fight the system....... How many of you would have told it as you did if you had known who I was.... I think I got honest opinions and for that I am grateful.... If any Dad on here would be happy with his young son sharing a bed with another man then I am wrong and I will let it continue... but I do not think that will happen

Idrankthechristmasspirits gives good advice and I have done all of that.... I achieved a 50:50 SRO which is more than many fathers do... so to that extent I have been successful..... but the hostility continues and I'm sorry that you only know a short piece of the story..... Trust me a 50:50 SRO is not all that it cracks up to be when faced with a non cooperative other parent

I apologise again.... It is not vitriol, please do not paint me with the same brush as others......

OP posts:
Nabster · 25/02/2009 12:46

You haven't been honest. You posted as if you were your ex. End of.

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