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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not commit to MIL taking DD out...

126 replies

daisydora · 23/02/2009 12:32

...she rang this morning asking if she could take DD to a Toddler group as she had another GC with her. I said that was fine as I was taking her to the same said toddler group as it was recommended by a friend last week and i wanted to give it a try. She said 'oh I wanted to take her on my own but never mind[hmm'

Anyway, she has just said to me that she would like to take DD to this toddler group once a month as her sister helps out there on the monthly rota. I said that was fine as long as I had no other plans. I have a 13 wk old DS as well so it would be nice but don't want to commit to it as I do different things but don't like to commit to things on certain days. Plus DH works shifts and often has Mondays off and we go out as a family.

She was not happy. She tutted and said 'I'm not asking for much am I?' I said no but that I have lots of friends and just because we are free this afternoon to go doesn't mean thats the case every week. She said that 'she always took other DG and their mums never minded' (they were at work and she was minding them). She left it saying she would speak to DH I said not to bother as his answer would be same as mine. She is welcome to her if we are not busy but this is not good enough.

I now have to see her this afternoon at said toddler group and she has clearly seen her arse with me!!!

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 23/02/2009 12:36

YANBU.

If she wants to get a nark on with you about it, then let her. You do what you want.

I too don't like being pinned down to a regular thing by anyone, not even relatives.

It's great for your DD to see the children of your friends and her grandmother and I'm sure you manage both. When it's convenient for you.

thisisyesterday · 23/02/2009 12:38

actually I would probably just say "oh, yes, that would be lovely"

then, if you happenb to have arranged something else on any given "mil day" then just let her know that actually she can't take her, as and when it occurs.

that way you both get your own way. she thinks she has a "regular" slot, but in reality you are still able to go and do what you want

Original poster
daisydora · 23/02/2009 12:42

I thought about that but she would only fall out with me if I said we were busy. She is very immature and her problem is that she tends to think her GC are hers...she has often said to me she would love to have the children with her all the time .

She has even said to me 'bf is well and good but it means I can't feed your DS'

OP posts:
ForeverOptimistic · 23/02/2009 12:46

She sounds awful. YANBU. If she asks again just repeat what you have already said, if you are free you would love mil to take dd but she should check the day before just in case you have other plans. She is cutting off her nose to spite her face by being overbearing she is actually pushing you and dd away from her.

wrongsideof40 · 23/02/2009 12:50

On the whole I think YABU - MIL is asking for once a month - it's not much really is it ? I think GC develop far better relationships with GPs if they see them without parents around - and the more people your children have around them that they know love them - the better for their emotional health. I struggled with my domineering MIL for year until I realised - the kids love her and she them - so I now try to see her through their eyes , Also if she takes them on her own - I (selfishly) don't have to put up with her ! I sympathise that your partner works shifts and you want family time - but as thisis yesterday says - you could then say - O DH is off tomorrow , we'd really like to do X - can we skip this week ?

brodiesprime · 23/02/2009 12:56

yabu

once a month isn't much to ask

compo · 23/02/2009 12:59

yabu
it will be lovely for your chld to spend some time with gran once a month and you'll get time with your youngest too
can't see the problem at all

onlinemummy · 23/02/2009 13:04

I can see why you feel this way but YABU. I think it is good that she is keen to take such an active part in your Dc life. You know where you are with a regular slot and can plan to do something with your ds.I would say yes but warn her that there may be times that you will be busy. I wish I had an offer like this from MIL.

However I don't think it is fair of her to say she will speak to your DH about it!

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 13:11

yabu

unless there is history with this MIL, then no, she isn't asking for much

she just wants to do this with her gd on her own

is that so bad?

I don't understand why you are being so precious

when my kids were that age I would kill for a couple of hrs break

if dh is off work, and you go out for the day, just cancel (or get dh to do it

Sycamoretree · 23/02/2009 13:12

YABU - Sorry, but no, she's not asking for much, and of course you can always call her the night before if for some reason you can't make it work that week.

This grandparent thing has to work both ways, and I'm sure you'd be grateful to call on her for a babysit when it suits. Look at this as getting some goodwill in the bag. She obviously just loves her GC's - I'd be grateful of the offer in your shoes, especially with a tiny baby in the house. I think it's better to have the arrangement in place, rather than be calling her only when it's suitable.

compo · 23/02/2009 13:12

when they are at school you'll probably be asking her to do the school run if you go back to work so they need to spend time alone

piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 13:17

I can see why you don't want a regular arrangement-I don't like to be tied-but I can't see why you don't drop the DC off for her to look after ,it is really good for them to develop a relationship on their own.

mm22bys · 23/02/2009 13:27

YABU, it's only once a month, and if your MIL takes your older child that will give you some good one on one time with your younger child, even if you do have plans all your many friends.

mej3 · 23/02/2009 13:29

Spending some time with her gd is lovely, but what would annoy me is her tutting and saying it's not a problem for her other gc. And why is it when they don't get the answer they want from you, they then ask DH, sounds like something a child does, and can then often lead to trouble between Mum and Dad!!

mm22bys · 23/02/2009 13:31

WITH all your many friends.

Take it as it comes though, if your DH works shifts and his Mondays off are the only chance to go out together as a family then surely that is all the excuse you need to say no to your MIL as and when you do want to go out as a family.

It sounds like your MIL is only trying to help out, and form a relationship with your DD. Many many children / DILs would be so lucky....

theyoungvisiter · 23/02/2009 13:32

how old is your dd? I think that makes a difference.

On the whole though I think yabu. As others have said, it's once a month, she is her grandmother and she's trying to do something nice for you as well.

I don't really understand the "don't like to commit to things on certain days" either - why not? It's not like you are signing in blood to let her take your DD every Monday now and forever.

Could you not just say "that woudl be lovely but just be aware there may be days when it doesn't work out if DH is off shift etc"

Niftyblue · 23/02/2009 13:32

YANBU she seems a bit overbearing

Its nice to know that she wants to look after dc for you BUT it has to suit you as well not just her
But at the end of the day they are your children and its your choice

By you going you get to meet new friends

MrsMattie · 23/02/2009 13:34

I don't understand She's offering to take your child out once a month - freeing up your time a bit and having some bonding time with her GC. What's the problem?

piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 13:43

I think she is only being overbearing because she has a good relationship with her other gc but you won't let her with yours. I would have thought you could just do something with the younger one and let her go-you still have the option of cancelling if it really is inconvenient.

edam · 23/02/2009 13:47

It'd be nice for dd to go to this toddler group with her Gran and once a month isn't going to put you out, really, is it? I like to be flexible myself rather than tied down to a schedule but really, one Monday a month is hardly worth arguing over.

2rebecca · 23/02/2009 13:48

I think the posters problem was that her husband often had that day out and they then did stuff as a family. Not going out for the day because you have agreed mil can have 1 child for 1-2 hours seems daft.
I'd just say that she could take your daughter out if you aren't doing anything, which in effect is what you've said.
I wouldn't be happy with a relative demanding a regular slot with my kids. Sounds as though MIL needs to get some hobbies of her own and not turn your kids into her hobby.
Mind you I've never lived that near older relatives so don't find it abnormal for children not to spend lots of time alone with grandparents.

theyoungvisiter · 23/02/2009 13:52

"Sounds as though MIL needs to get some hobbies of her own and not turn your kids into her hobby"

I hardly think wanting to spend ONE morning a MONTH with her grandchild is a sign that she needs to get out more

I agree that your MIL sounds a bit of a pain in other ways though - the speaking to DH bit, and the bfing comment is just silly, but I'm sure she doesn't mean it to come across this way and is desperate for a relationship with ALL her grandchildren.

So often you read on hear people saying "how come my inlaws love my SIL's children so much more and never come to see mine". Very sad when it's the other way around...

Sachertorte · 23/02/2009 13:59

I think you´re VERY unreasonable.

She has only asked for a once monthly commitment. And you tell her that it is too much of a commitment! You might have better things planned!
Sorry but whatever YOU think of your mil (and she may be awful to you but that´s another matter!), she is still your children´s grandmother and they may come to love her dearly. You are potentially preventing your child from developing a strong relationship with gm. because you value YOUR freedom and your friends more.

I´d be astonished if your mil isn´t competely pissed with you frankly, because YOU seem to treat her so badly!

piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 14:06

I think she only made the DH and bf comment because you are very possessive. Like theyoungvisitor, I am a bit surprised that a grandmother who wants to have one morning a month with her granddaughter should be told she needs hobbies!

2rebecca · 23/02/2009 14:14

some of the posters other comments did make her sound as though she was overly possessive with her grandchildren.
I think wanting to book a regular slot on a day that sounds inconvenient and then wanting to speak to husband if she doesn't get what she wants is overbearing.

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