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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not commit to MIL taking DD out...

126 replies

daisydora · 23/02/2009 12:32

...she rang this morning asking if she could take DD to a Toddler group as she had another GC with her. I said that was fine as I was taking her to the same said toddler group as it was recommended by a friend last week and i wanted to give it a try. She said 'oh I wanted to take her on my own but never mind[hmm'

Anyway, she has just said to me that she would like to take DD to this toddler group once a month as her sister helps out there on the monthly rota. I said that was fine as long as I had no other plans. I have a 13 wk old DS as well so it would be nice but don't want to commit to it as I do different things but don't like to commit to things on certain days. Plus DH works shifts and often has Mondays off and we go out as a family.

She was not happy. She tutted and said 'I'm not asking for much am I?' I said no but that I have lots of friends and just because we are free this afternoon to go doesn't mean thats the case every week. She said that 'she always took other DG and their mums never minded' (they were at work and she was minding them). She left it saying she would speak to DH I said not to bother as his answer would be same as mine. She is welcome to her if we are not busy but this is not good enough.

I now have to see her this afternoon at said toddler group and she has clearly seen her arse with me!!!

OP posts:
sandra79 · 23/02/2009 14:18

think you have the same mil as me??! she wants gc when it suits her & is a pain in the butt if you ask her a favour to watch them to help me out when i really need it. when both my kids were 2-3 weeks old she got really bitchy with me saying she hadnt 'had' them yet & basically demanded that she have them at her house alone!! aaggrrrhhhh

Hulababy · 23/02/2009 14:19

I can kind of understand why the Op doesn't want to commit to a set day once a motnth. If her DH is on shifts and they want to go out as a family - then that should come first.

However I think to encourage MIL and DD to have some time alone sounds lovely, and my DD certainly loves that with her grandparents.

How old is DD?

Why not tell MIL you could gibve it a try for a few weeks and see how it goes? Then you can have some time just one ot one with the baby, and you can also have some time with DH.

edam · 23/02/2009 14:20

Not half as overbearing as the OP sounds. And it seems reasonable to me that the MIL wants to speak to her own son, given the chief objection is apparently that this is sometimes his day off work.

Grandchildren deserve to have a relationship with their grandparents, unless there are very good reasons why not.

Jux · 23/02/2009 14:30

My dd had been at nursery part time for about 3m when MIL suddenly wanted a special day with her every week. The day dd wasn't at nursery I had been using as our 'special' day and took her to the nearest town and we had fun. In the end I gave it up so MIL could have her that day. It happened twice. Then MIL forgot to pick her up and never did it again. Didn't even ask. A few months later, she said "I hope you'll allow me to see more of dd this year". Silly cow.

Not sure whether you're being unreasonable or not. Not too good being pinned down when your life isn't total routine and you need the space to do different things. On the other hand, once a month isn't much and you do need to 'let go' of your child at some point. Unless there's a reason you don't trust your MIL with her.

Heylittlelady · 23/02/2009 14:35

I think it's not as simple as a GP seeing their GD once a month.

MIL is not asking nicely if she could have GD once a month as that would be lovely for her if OP is happy with it. I suspect that if it had been put to the OP like that she might have agreed to it.

Nobody likes being railroaded into something. It is human nature to kick back especially following comments like the BF. Those who don't have mums/MIL like this can't understand how irritating it is.

Basically it seems that MIL wants to play Mum on occasion, instead of just Grandma, and the OP has subconsciously sensed that. No wonder OP is annoyed/bothered.

YANBU.

OrmIrian · 23/02/2009 14:40

YABU.

If it's inconvenient on any given day tell her so.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 23/02/2009 15:04

I agree with HeyLittleLady.

The MIL is getting shirty if she doesn't get her own way. It's not as if she's not getting to see the child. The MIL should learn to accept and not be so pushy. If she did that, then the OP would probably be a lot more giving.

OP, YANBU. And you have my sympathies because I too have a MIL who is convinced my children are hers, thinks she should be able to do what she wants with them regardless of their parents' preferences and gets annoyed if we say, "No,"

I would be an awful lot more accommodating if she weren't so overbearing. It's a natural instinct to not let someone railroad you into something if they get in a mood by your saying no.

pleasechange · 23/02/2009 15:11

I think it depends on your existing relationship with the MIL, and what has gone before

On the face of it, I can understand why others have said yabu and it is only once a month. However, if it was my MIL, there is so much history that I, like you, may have the same attitude. Therefore I think others are maybe being a bit harsh on you if she is otherwise difficult as a person

theyoungvisiter · 23/02/2009 15:13

Obviously there are communication issues here - but you could so easily see this post from the other side:

AIBU? To want to spend a couple of hours a month with my grandaughter?
For a few months now i have been conscious that I don't have as much of a relationship with one of my granddaughters as I would like. I am very close to my other grandchildren but I don't see this particular DGD as much, partly because her dad works unpredictable hours so they are not always around at "our" weekends, iyswim.

Anyway I rang her mum and suggested that I could take DGD out to a toddler group once a month.

I thought this would not seem too pushy (only once a month) and as my DIL has a 13wk old I thought she would appreciate the help.

However DIL was really funny with me and made all these excuses about how she never knew what she was doing and often liked to do other things on MOndays and couldn't commit to a regular day. I said (very mildly) that I didn't think once a month was too much of a committment and that I wasn't asking for much, and she got offended, so I suggested I could speak to my son about it when they've had a chance to talk it over, as I thought I could discuss it more freely with him and he wouldn't feel the need to make excuses about the issue. She told me not to bother!

TBH I am a bit pissed off that my offer of help has been refused and I've been effectively told not to discuss it with my son.

AIBU?

OP - not trying to say that you are the evil DIL but just to suggest that perhaps your MIL is seeing the situation very differently to you...

2rebecca · 23/02/2009 15:37

Even if that is from her side the "our weekend" bit has my toes curling. My weekends with my kids are my weekends. i certainly wouldn't want to spend every weekend visiting relatives, and this MIL was insistent about it having to be this particular time every month, not taking grandchild out once a month when its mutually convenient. I'm sure the op wouldn't have had a problem with that.

WinkyWinkola · 23/02/2009 15:39

Sounds like there's a lot of history behind this post........................

piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 15:42

I would agree that communication is the issue. For the sake of the DCs I would try and be friends-e.g all go out together and have a good time. Leave DCs with DH and go out with MIL for the evening.

Original poster
daisydora · 23/02/2009 16:23

I'm back (from toddler group with the MIL)

Firstly I'm not overbearing or precious....I simply don't want to commit to a set time. She has her GS every Saturday without fail, on the occasion my SIL didn't take him round all hell broke loose. Saturday was her day with her GS etc etc. So it is that kind of confrontation I'm trying to avoid.

Secondly, my MIL has DD 2/3 times a week when I go go to the gym or for a swim, usually a couple of hours a time, sometimes more so she does have time with DD and I don't mind one bit. DS also left on occasions if I've got EBM for her. What I find unreasonable is that she is trying to tie me down to specific times the same she has with her other GC. Perhaps I should have explained that better in my OP. If I thought she was doing it to help me out I wouldn't be as p*ssed at her tbh.

Anyway, she was okay with me a toddler group but also expressed her desire to take DD on her own again. I do not mind this I'm just not committing to it.

Thanks all for your comments btw

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 16:26

2rebecca, the reason why there is a particular slot requested in the month is because it is a group that the gran has taken her other gc to before (and I assume the gc and gran loved it)

Original poster
daisydora · 23/02/2009 16:30

btw, did I say 'many friends' I didn't mean it like that but we are a bit spontaneous when we plan outings with our kids, I just meant I'd hate DD ,not to see her friends as my MIL was expecting to have DD

OP posts:
Littlefish · 23/02/2009 16:32

I still think you're being unreasonable.

It really wouldn't hurt you to say....

That sounds lovely - let's pencil it in every month, but if DH is off work, then we'll have to cancel it because we will probably be doing something together.

My MIL has dd for one day a week. She has her other grandchildren on the same day. It's not necessarily the best day for me, but I'm willing to compromise because:

It's great for dd to have a really strong relationship with the PILS
It's great for dd to spend time with her cousins
It saves us money on childcare

I think that if your MIL looks after your dd 2/3 times a week so you can go to the gym or swim, then the least you can do is commit to once a month at a time which suits her.

I'm not really sure why you posted this in "Am I being unreasonable". It's pretty clear from your last post that you don't agree with anyone who thinks you're being unreasonable!

Original poster
daisydora · 23/02/2009 16:38

little fish - I do agree with some of the comments relating to me BU - I just don't think I'm precious.

BTW DD spends plenty of time with her cousins and she used to look after dd when I was at work.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 23/02/2009 16:43

Yes but Daisy - the main point people are saying is that you're being unreasonable for not committing to a time once a month. You've come back saying that you're still not going to do it.

In that case, why ask people what they think, if you're not planning on doing anything about it.

Why should it all be about your MIL having your dd to "help you". She's asking to see your dd because she wants to spend time with her.

Original poster
daisydora · 23/02/2009 16:47

fair point little fish - my mum always said I never listen to people

OP posts:
compo · 23/02/2009 16:48

so it's okay for her to look after your kids while you go to the gym but not if she wants to take her to an organised group once a month?
you should be lucky she's not asking for every Saturday like your poor SIL, why on earth doesn't she say no if she doesn't like that arrangement?

Littlefish · 23/02/2009 16:48
Smile
Original poster
daisydora · 23/02/2009 16:49

I mean my mum says - she is still around!

OP posts:
edam · 23/02/2009 16:52

ah, so MIL's fine as a babysitter when you want to go to the gym? Seems to a bit off to be so irate about the poor woman just wanting to have dd for something she wants to do with her once a month.

Sorry, still think YABU.

Original poster
daisydora · 23/02/2009 16:54

compo - my mil is very immature at times and has very little hobbies outside her GC, I don't mean that to souns so bad btw. Basically sil doesn't want to upset her as it has lead to mil in tears before now saying she has 'nothing if she doesn't have her GC'

Perhaps I will just agree - I know it won't hurt DD I just fear her tears and emotional calls if I was to cancel. But that should really be a bridge we cross when we come to it I suppose

OP posts:
debs40 · 23/02/2009 16:56

My God...how difficult it must be for someone to intrude on your busy social life by offering to take your child somewhere once a month for a very short amount of time when they are the child's grandparent!

My parents died before my child was born and my MIL is in her 70s and lives 300 miles away.

Some people just don't know they are born