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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not commit to MIL taking DD out...

126 replies

daisydora · 23/02/2009 12:32

...she rang this morning asking if she could take DD to a Toddler group as she had another GC with her. I said that was fine as I was taking her to the same said toddler group as it was recommended by a friend last week and i wanted to give it a try. She said 'oh I wanted to take her on my own but never mind[hmm'

Anyway, she has just said to me that she would like to take DD to this toddler group once a month as her sister helps out there on the monthly rota. I said that was fine as long as I had no other plans. I have a 13 wk old DS as well so it would be nice but don't want to commit to it as I do different things but don't like to commit to things on certain days. Plus DH works shifts and often has Mondays off and we go out as a family.

She was not happy. She tutted and said 'I'm not asking for much am I?' I said no but that I have lots of friends and just because we are free this afternoon to go doesn't mean thats the case every week. She said that 'she always took other DG and their mums never minded' (they were at work and she was minding them). She left it saying she would speak to DH I said not to bother as his answer would be same as mine. She is welcome to her if we are not busy but this is not good enough.

I now have to see her this afternoon at said toddler group and she has clearly seen her arse with me!!!

OP posts:
Littlefish · 24/02/2009 16:15

Only 5 months to go then......

After that, perhaps MIL could pick dd up from nursery one day a month and save you doing it!

muddleduck · 24/02/2009 16:20

Hi.
Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh
I'm coming at this from a situation where my MILs (yes I have two of them!) live very far away and I take it for granted that we all have to make a very large effort to make sure that they are part of their GCs lives. It would be much more convenient for me to say "no you cannot come and stay in my house for a whole week" or "no I will not take a small child who gets car sick on a 4 hour journey and then say for several nights in the same room as two grumpy toddlers", but it has never occured to me to argue that it is more important for dh and I to spend qulity time as a family. Your posts read a bit to me like you only wanted your MIL involved if it was not inconvenient to you and this seemed quite selfish to me.

It is clear from your later posts that there is much more going on here. I hope you manage to resolve these issues.

Original poster
daisydora · 24/02/2009 16:20

That would be great but she 'refuses' to drive that far...its about 15 minutes from her house. But thats another story, hopefully when she starts school she might help there as thats only round the corner

OP posts:
jellybeans · 24/02/2009 16:30

YANBU only someone with a toxic MIL would understand though.

'when both my kids were 2-3 weeks old she got really bitchy with me saying she hadnt 'had' them yet & basically demanded that she have them at her house alone!! ' My MIL is the same. Also hates me bf and makes comments about there being more 'suitable' milk for DS.

muddleduck · 24/02/2009 16:35

JB
I can understand that there are lots of things that your MIL may have done that were unreasonable. Obv the bf comment is ridiculous. But why is it so unreasonable that she would want to have some time alone with them at her house? I just don't get why this is such a terrible thing to ask for. Would you have been so dismissive if your mother had asked for this?

mabel1973 · 24/02/2009 17:06

daisydora - i totally see where you are coming from, and i think unless you have this sort of MIL and relationship with her, it is difficult to understand.
I have a similar thing, my MIL has my ds's once a week and whilst i am grateful i never wanted to get stuck into this arrangement, where thursday is 'their' day, but that's what it's become and I feel I am not able to arrange anything on this day as they get very upset if I do and they are not having the ds's.
There are other issues here though, for example, they never come to visit us here, we are always expected to go to their house and various other things. I am sure there are other issues with your situation as well.
Not sure what the answer is, as someone said earlier, can you agree to it in principle but if you have other things to do on that particular day, let her know in advance? If it was a birthday party or something like that, surely she couldn't say anything?

Helen31 · 24/02/2009 18:15

"FWIW DH thinks I am mad and not happy I'm going to agree to it"

Am I reading this right, i.e. that your DH doesn't want to agree to this proposal from his own mother? Doesn't that tell us all something?

I had been going to suggest that you let DH make the arrangement, and be the one to call and cancel if it doesn't suit you. If he's not prepared to do it, sorry, but I don't think you should agree to it. He is telling you something about this woman he knows better than any of us total strangers possibly can.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 24/02/2009 18:17

"why should you take priority?
are you very much more important than her?

very sad and inconsiderate. "

I don't know many kids messed up by not seeing their GPs. I do know lots of kids messed up by not having their parents around. So yes, the mother is massively more important than the GP to the well being of a child.

Original poster
daisydora · 24/02/2009 19:47

mabel I can count on one hand the number of times my mil has been to our house. She never calls anymore as she once just turned up and we were on our way out. DH said that if she'd rung we could have said we were going out so she wouldn't have had a wasted journey. He meant it in the right way but she has since took it to mean she has to call and make an appointment to see us, which is a shame.

helen yes DH not keen, your right he knows her better than me and he has said that he will tell her if it clashes with his day off or if I want to do something else.

OP posts:
womblingfree · 24/02/2009 21:09

I agree with some posters that once a month isn't much, but it comes round quickly and I don't like being tied down like that either (not sure sometimes how I've managed to be with DH for 12 years ).

Are you worried that if you give your MIL an inch she'll take a mile so to speak? Mine tends to be a bit like that. If we agree that she can have DD for an overnight stay, she'll then find an excuse to pick her up early in the morning so she has her for the whole day before sleepover, then call or text us in the evening and tell us not to pick DD up till a set time the following day as she and FIL are taking her out etc.

Do you think your MIL might start phoning on other Mondays and saying 'actually so-and-so's there this week so can I take them again?' etc.

ChippingIn · 24/02/2009 21:16

Muddleduck JB's babies were 2-3 WEEKS old - how many Mums would have wanted to let anyone have them at their house alone before then?? Grandparents or not??

[not saying it's wrong if you have - just that it's hardly the crime of the century not to have left them alone at the Grandparents by then).

JB honestly - how did you stop yourself wetting yourself laughing - there must be something more suitable than breastmilk FFS... sometimes you just have to laugh (well it saves you doing time inside¬¬ )

qwertpoiuy · 24/02/2009 21:38

YABU
When my son was a toddler, I had no help and would have given my right arm for free time like that. Your MIL sounds like a very loving grandmother.

Wigglesworth · 24/02/2009 21:55

Daisy, you are right to be cautious, other posters who simply say you are precious, ungrateful etc. obviously don't know what a PITA it is to have someone like this in their family. My Mum can be like this and used to make sarky comments about how little she see DGS, she sees him at least once a week.
I am going back to work in a couple of months and my Mum offered to help out with childcare, which is great and very nice of her. DS will be going to nursery 3 days and with my Mum 1 day, when I asked her if she could do this day she replied "only 1 day?" and since then has said she feels really down and keeps asking what will we do if DS doesn't settle in nursery , as if to say he won't settle and that he should be coming to her fulltime (she hates nurseries BTW). I know that sounds really ungrateful but it really feels like emotional blackmail sometimes, she too sees her arse if she doesn't get her own way, it is a nightmare.
I don't think YABU, if your DH has alarm bells ringing then surely that should tell you something, has she spoken to your DH yet?

puffling · 24/02/2009 21:59

YANBU. You know what she's like more than we do and if she's making you uncomfortable, you know the answer to this yourself.

Longtalljosie · 24/02/2009 22:00

I think the solution is to divide the problem into two . Your MIL wants a time to see your DD by herself, one morning a month. That's reasonable.

But wanting to do it on a Monday, when you get your family quality time, is not reasonable. It's unfortunate her sister's toddler group is on a Monday, but that's just tough. There are other toddler groups, and other things she could do to spend time with her GD.

Is there another day when your husband is usually at work? Why don't you offer that? It does tie you down, but with only 5 months to go, it's a short term issue. And you can always say, look I know you'd rather have the Monday, so if DH is working on a Monday one month we can always swap. That way you're doing her a favour when you can, rather than having to cancel or rearrange a Monday with all the fuss that would cause...

jellybeans · 25/02/2009 00:06

lol I can laugh at the bf comment now, a good sense of humour is essential with my MIL!! In all honesty, I would not have left my babies with anyone at a few weeks old. Even my own mother, unless I had an appointment etc. Why do they need to be alone at that age? Older kids, yes it is nice to have time with GP.

magicfarawaytree · 25/02/2009 00:28

yanbu - your children, your rules.

seeker · 26/02/2009 06:04

"your children, your rules. "

I think that's such a sad attitude. They aren't just "your children"- they have a nuclear family, an extended family, a community - and a big wide world to grow up in.

Helen31 · 26/02/2009 09:57

Sorry seeker, but I'm with magicfarawaytree on this one - I had read what she said as being about the parents' rules, rather than just the mum's (it is clear the OP's DH is not keen on his mum's plan either btw). But no, I personally don't think the wider community generally gets much of a vote in how I raise my children (obviously the basic legal protections). GPs, somewhere in between, but they are not the parents. Sounds like I may be sad/selfish in your book...for me, it's about taking responsibility for the children I've brought into the world.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 26/02/2009 10:47

Seeker, do you let other people make parenting decisions for your children? Like for example, weaning time? Whether to bf or not? Or what nursery/school to send them to? Or do you let your mum/MIL or the community decide?

Someone has to take responsibility and make the rules and it's human instinct to want to generate boundaries between themselves and other people. Otherwise, IME, people just start to take the piss.

Original poster
daisydora · 26/02/2009 11:15

seeker they are not just my children they are mine and DH's.

Therefore, we make the rules not the 'wider community'

OP posts:
seeker · 26/02/2009 11:19

Of course I take responsibility for all the 'big' issues in my children's lives. But there are lots of other area where I think that their wider family can and should have a say. I may not like what one of their grandmas feeds them for example, but as long as it's not actually dangerous for them then that's part of her relationship with them. Their grandfather was the King of Plastic Tat - and one of the reasons that they loved him and remember him fondly was that he could be relied upon to provide the Barbie Carriage that I had vetoed. I don't see a problem with a grandma having her gd for one morning a month - it just doesn't seem to me to be a big deal.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 26/02/2009 12:38

But I don't think it's the having her one morning a month that's the big deal. I think you've missed the point entirely.

The point is that the OP does not want to even get into a situation with her MIL that could generate an unnecessary strop. Who wants to have to deal with another child in the mix?

Original poster
daisydora · 26/02/2009 15:31

Thank you itsgrimupnorth its not the issue of her having DD once a month so much, more her reaction on the occassions its not convenient. Someone mentioned in a previous post my fear is if I give her an inch she will definately want a mile before long iyswim

OP posts:
seeker · 27/02/2009 05:54

Agree to differ, then. I LIKE other members of my family taking responsibility for bits of my childrens' upbringing.

I would be interested, daisydora, if you would feel differently if it was your mother, rather than your mil who wanted to do this...!

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