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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not commit to MIL taking DD out...

126 replies

daisydora · 23/02/2009 12:32

...she rang this morning asking if she could take DD to a Toddler group as she had another GC with her. I said that was fine as I was taking her to the same said toddler group as it was recommended by a friend last week and i wanted to give it a try. She said 'oh I wanted to take her on my own but never mind[hmm'

Anyway, she has just said to me that she would like to take DD to this toddler group once a month as her sister helps out there on the monthly rota. I said that was fine as long as I had no other plans. I have a 13 wk old DS as well so it would be nice but don't want to commit to it as I do different things but don't like to commit to things on certain days. Plus DH works shifts and often has Mondays off and we go out as a family.

She was not happy. She tutted and said 'I'm not asking for much am I?' I said no but that I have lots of friends and just because we are free this afternoon to go doesn't mean thats the case every week. She said that 'she always took other DG and their mums never minded' (they were at work and she was minding them). She left it saying she would speak to DH I said not to bother as his answer would be same as mine. She is welcome to her if we are not busy but this is not good enough.

I now have to see her this afternoon at said toddler group and she has clearly seen her arse with me!!!

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 23/02/2009 22:40

piscesmoon - what might I change my mind about when I am a grandparent?

It's not her seeing her GC I object to it's the histionics when/if the OP says they are busy that day. It's only a playgroup -it wont matter if they don't go AND her saying (in the manner of a 2 year old) well if you wont give me what I want I'll ask Daddy (DS).... stomp stomp stomp

ChippingIn · 23/02/2009 22:43

piscesmoon - it has nothing to do with being posessive about the child. It's about respect, the OP, DH & DC's spending time as a family and mostly about being able to say 'Sorry, it's not convenient this week' without a grandmother acting like a spoilt 2 year old!!

piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 22:46

They are both as bad as each other! They need to discuss it in a calm, friendly manner.

ChippingIn · 23/02/2009 22:47

and quite ironically, I'm also arguing about this from the GP's side with my Brother and sister in law acting like right twats about my parents seeing their grandaughter AT ALL. My parents ask nicely and don't demand regular times alone with the child on a schedule - just to see her occasionally...

mumeeee · 23/02/2009 22:48

YABU. It's only one a month and it is good for children to spend time with their Grandparents.

seeker · 23/02/2009 22:49

I actually find the "Can I take my grandchild to a playgroup run by her great aunt one morning a month?" a significantly more reasonable attitude than "Well, I hate to be tied down - I don't like to be committed to particular days - 12 mornings a year is far too regimented for me - who knows what I might be doing?"

debs40 · 23/02/2009 22:50

OMG... people really need to get over themselves.

If I was posting saying 'poor poor me I have no parents, my children have no grandparents' I'm sure someone would tell me to put it in context.

Stop press....Family all love and want to see the children too much ...

If you can't sort that one out what hope is there?

WinkyWinkola · 24/02/2009 09:26

Because it's the way in which it's done. Why would the OP expose herself to a MIL's behaviour which she says is childish and petulant if she doesn't get her own way?

It's really not as simple as wanting to see the GCs, is it? That's not the issue for the OP here.

pleasechange · 24/02/2009 10:11

Agree with winkywinkola - and the OP has already said that the MIL sees her DD on other occasions throughout the month, so she hasn't indicated in any way that she's reluctant for the MIL to spend time with her GC

Someone earlier alluded to a power struggle between MILs and DILs. Agree this is sometimes the case, but I really do think it's ridiculous that a MIL is wanting to hold 'power' in her son's new family. Talk about now wanting to cut the apron strings. I'd be horrifed at the idea of wanting to have power over my son when he gets married and has a family. And to do so would be deliberately antagonising my DIL - why on earth get yourself into this situation

Littlefish · 24/02/2009 14:53

But she's said that she'd be happy for MIL to see dd if it was to "help" the OP. So, it's ok if it suits the OP and gives her time to go to the gym, but not if it's just because MIL wants to see dd once a month at a time to suit MIL.

Jux · 24/02/2009 14:55

Some people are just stupid allnew. My MIL, despite having had no power and not much involvement in dh's life until we married (and he was 41 by then), suddenly decided that she was queen bee and should make all decisions and be consulted (and followed) in everything. She would ring us at 7.30am at the weekends to tell us what was going to be happening, and also trying to catch us out doing 'naughty' things in bed! It all got 10 times worse when dd was born.

We now live 150miles away and hardly ever see her, thank god. However, she will phone and if we're out will demand, when she does get through, why we haven't been answering and what we've been doing instead of being at home waiting for her to call. FFS, it's not even as if she calls at a regular time.

Sheer stupidity.

wishingchair · 24/02/2009 14:57

YABU ... once a month is no big deal and is nice thing for them to do together. YABVVVU to say "She is welcome to her if we are not busy but this is not good enough".

No it shouldn't be good enough. She is your child's grandmother and whatever you think of her, they are entitled to have a relationship and not only when you have a free moment.

Original poster
daisydora · 24/02/2009 15:23

wishingchair she is my daughter and if dh & I are going out or I have other plans with my DD, well I'm sorry but that does take priority over what mil wants, IMO.

It is the fact that my MIL can't see this that irritates me. Of course she should have a relationship with her GC I'm not sure at what point I said she shouldn't...and yes I admit it seems selfish for me to take DD round when it was doing me a favour. But it was honestly meant so that she could spend time with DD on a more spontaneous basis rather than me having to give her my child on a regular basis like she demands off her other children.

OP posts:
muddleduck · 24/02/2009 15:34

why should you take priority?
are you very much more important than her?

very sad and inconsiderate.

Original poster
daisydora · 24/02/2009 15:37

No I am not more important than her but I'm the childs mother IMO that means that if DH and I want quality time together with our children then that is more important than what my MIL wants - believe me (well noone does) but my MIL spends lots of time with DD sometimes on her own and sometimes I'm there.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 24/02/2009 15:38

Daisydora - the spontaneity (sp) suits you, but it obviously doesn't suit your MIL.

A little bit of give and take is required here. From what I can see, at the moment you're doing all of the taking!

Littlefish · 24/02/2009 15:40

I don't think that anyone is saying that it has to be every month, or that it is more important than your family time. However, you've said that sometimes your dh is off on that day. Surely it wouldn't kill you to make a pencilled arrangement with her for once a month, and make it clear that you may occasionally have to cancel.

I just think you're digging your heels in unnecessarily.

muddleduck · 24/02/2009 15:42

This sounds like to children fighting over a toy rather than two adults working together in the best interests of a child. Obviously there are other issues here and you just don't like her very much.

So what to you want in the long term? To win a petty argument over who gets priority? Or to find a way to get along that suits you all?

Littlefish · 24/02/2009 15:42

Sorry - just re-read that your dh often has Mondays off.

If he often has Mondays off, then dd going with MIL occasionally really isn't going to be a big deal.

Original poster
daisydora · 24/02/2009 15:42

littlefish your right that is how it seems and I am prepared for now to agree to her having DD when she wants on these Mondays. I will start a new thread and post of her tantrums and emotional blackmail when we say we are busy, but that is another issue

FWIW DH thinks I am mad and not happy I'm going to agree to it and my SIL thinks if I agree then she will demand more and more time. Obviously I would say 'no' to every Saturday like my SIL agreed to.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 24/02/2009 15:47

That sounds like a good compromise .

I completely agree with saying no to every Saturday! My grandmother did that to my mother when my brother was born and my mum absolutely hated it!

How old is your dd?

Presumably this arrangement will only work until she starts nursery/school anyway which will give you a good chance to review it.

Original poster
daisydora · 24/02/2009 16:02

DD is 2.5, she will be going back to nursery on a Mon & Tues when I finish Mat leave in July. So yes it is only till then not till the end of days!!!!

It was when my nephew started school that she 'asked' for her Saturday as she never sees him anymore. Which isn't true but she probably never sees him as much as she did.

OP posts:
Original poster
daisydora · 24/02/2009 16:09

muddleduck I do want to get along with My MIL, we are very different people (her probably lies the problem and my stubborness (sp))

I'm also very different from her other DIL and her daughter, part of me thinks she expects me to be like them and do as they have always done. That won't happen but yes there has to be a compromise, so I will go with the flow so to speak and hope we can avoid any problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
daisydora · 24/02/2009 16:09

That should be 'here lies the problem....'

OP posts:
pleasechange · 24/02/2009 16:11

On the comment
"why should you take priority?
are you very much more important than her?"

I would think the OP is more important in her day to day household than the MIL, yes! Presumably the OP shares the responsibilities of the household with her DP, and so can reasonably be expected to have a say in how leisure activities, visiting etc. fit around these. And I'm pretty sure that the DD will see her mother as being a great deal more important to her than her GM

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