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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not commit to MIL taking DD out...

126 replies

daisydora · 23/02/2009 12:32

...she rang this morning asking if she could take DD to a Toddler group as she had another GC with her. I said that was fine as I was taking her to the same said toddler group as it was recommended by a friend last week and i wanted to give it a try. She said 'oh I wanted to take her on my own but never mind[hmm'

Anyway, she has just said to me that she would like to take DD to this toddler group once a month as her sister helps out there on the monthly rota. I said that was fine as long as I had no other plans. I have a 13 wk old DS as well so it would be nice but don't want to commit to it as I do different things but don't like to commit to things on certain days. Plus DH works shifts and often has Mondays off and we go out as a family.

She was not happy. She tutted and said 'I'm not asking for much am I?' I said no but that I have lots of friends and just because we are free this afternoon to go doesn't mean thats the case every week. She said that 'she always took other DG and their mums never minded' (they were at work and she was minding them). She left it saying she would speak to DH I said not to bother as his answer would be same as mine. She is welcome to her if we are not busy but this is not good enough.

I now have to see her this afternoon at said toddler group and she has clearly seen her arse with me!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
daisydora · 23/02/2009 16:56

I agree btw I do sound selfish saying she has them when it suits me. I thought it was a better way for them to be together without me committing to a day with her, but it doesn't come over like that.

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 23/02/2009 16:57

"she has nothing if she doesn't have her GC" - God, I hate

I too would be very wary about entering into an arrangement that would merely make her angry if you didn't want to meet one month.

Sounds like you're dealing with a childish woman and I think you're wise to avoid the commitment because it will end up with her in a strop from the sounds of it.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 23/02/2009 16:58

I meant to say that I hate this guilt-inducing kind of talk. Why can't she just say how much she loves her GC? Instead of laying it on thick like that? It's intended to make you feel guilty. Very manipulative.

I'm glad I don't have to deal with her. Oh, I've got my MIL to deal with instead!

edam · 23/02/2009 16:58

oh dear, tears and emotional phone calls if you ever have to say 'sorry, this Monday's not convenient, it's dh's day off'? Ah. I hadn't quite got that from your earlier posts.

Can see why you might be reluctant now! Would say probably still worth going with it while being very clear about the fact it won't be EVERY month without fail. Because it's worth putting up with a bit of aggro for dd's sake.

screamingabdab · 23/02/2009 16:59

I just hope we will all be as perfect as we expect our MILs to be!

ItsGrimUpNorth · 23/02/2009 17:01

Perfect? No. But I'd never lay the guilts on someone like that with tears, tantrums etc because a plan was cancelled. That's really bad behaviour IMO.

Original poster
daisydora · 23/02/2009 17:06

edam - thats what i'll probably do

OP posts:
debs40 · 23/02/2009 17:38

Is this woman on her own? Maybe that is how she feels her life is - empty without her grandchildren.

That might sound sad to us but alot of older people end up very lonely. that doesn't make her immature, it makes her solitary or alone and of course people like that can be a burden and very self-centred but it doesn't mean that shouldn't be handled or spoken about compassionately.

So it is nice to see people so quick to hurl abuse at her and describe the behaviour as 'tantrums'. I don't know her from adam so couldn't judge

I do know that unless you are without help, you have no idea how lucky you are having someone else around.

This is an indulgence and not a problem - I wonder who's being immature?

screamingabdab · 23/02/2009 17:47

lol debs40

Original poster
daisydora · 23/02/2009 18:57

debs she is married, 4 children, 8 DGC - not lonely at all, at least I assume shes not

I know I'm lucky to have a mil who cares for my children, not sure it makes me immature that I didn't want to commit to something I know will probably end in her arguing with me.

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 23/02/2009 19:06

debds40. I meant lots of love NOT laugh out loud!!!!
Am new to MN and thought that's what lol meant

debs40 · 23/02/2009 19:18

People can still be lonely even when surrounded by people...bit of a cliche but true!

Point is, we never know why people act the way they do and we never really know what is going on in someone else's life. I would guess she is clearly clutching tight to her GC attachments to give her a sense of purpose and make her feel needed - I don't think that is uncommon.

Battles for 'control' are very common between MIL and DIL and this smacks of it.

So I think 'immature' is probably an ill-used word in this context - for your MIL anyway.

I would have said lovely, thanks, and then just let her know occasionally that you have other plans. What on earth is making an issue at the very time she makes the offer knowing you will wind the woman up? I suppose that is why I think any comment about 'immaturity' cuts both ways.

seeker · 23/02/2009 19:25

One morning a month is not "being pinned down"! God I dread being a mother in law!

piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 19:44

I expect there are good points on both sides-the answer is to develop a friendly relationship with your MIL.

WinkyWinkola · 23/02/2009 20:02

"This is an indulgence and not a problem - I wonder who's being immature?"

So, the MIL gets a strop on when her daughter doesn't want to drop off her son every weekend?

I wouldn't want to have to tangle with that!

KTNoo · 23/02/2009 20:19

daisydora I can totally see where you are coming from. Your MIL sounds like my mum. Although I love her dearly she is a NIGHTMARE. One of the reasons we live on different continents now.

When we lived nearby I had to make sure we never got into a routine of when we would come and visit etc. If we went 2 Sundays in a row, for example, she would say something like "See you next Sunday as usual then!" when we left. Then lots of thinly disguised hurt remarks when we had to tell her that, no, we wouldn't be coming next Sunday.

It's very hard to say no to her without upsetting her etc. My MIL is the complete opposite, you can say anything to her, but we never have any issues with her, which always seems to be the way I think.

You MIL sounds manipulative, and while you need to be sensitive to her feelings, I think that by going along with her schemes you are enabling her to continue to be that way.

ChippingIn · 23/02/2009 20:21

YANBU

I think she is overbearing and manipulative. I also wouldn't want to enter into any agreement with her regarding 'her' time with my DC - it is not 'her' time. Grrr

She had my hackles up already, but at the point where she said that she's discuss it with your DH instead then - that would have been it, a flat no. No-one gets to go behind your back to get what they want with your children when they can't get what they want with you!!

As for anyone posting 'I don't have PIL and what I'd give to have them'... well walk a mile with PILs that are a PITA then make that decision.... there are PIL and there are PIL...

DogMa · 23/02/2009 20:28

Must admit, I hate being 'tied' to specific days and times - my PIL have the DC's one day a week but are dead flexible. If I thought they'd be arsey on the occasions I wanted to change the plan, I'd steer well clear too.

SarahZ · 23/02/2009 20:32

On the surface of it she doesn't really sound to have made an unreasonable request, particularly as she helps you out with childcare so you can swim etc.

However, I think it is the way in which she has requested/demanded time that may have really got your goat up (then said will speak to DH) and I can imagine a lot of history there.

My MIL also said that about breastfeeding and through lots of other actions and comments, implied that she was the lady who made the decisions/had the influence about DS and that I should understand that. (Before you all post and say I am possesive of DS I am and was quite happy to leave him (EBM) with people who behaved appropriately with me and him.

She is genuinely shocked that I don't feel the same way.

Not sure what your best course of action is really. Perhaps agree to keep the peace - on her terms that she gets a regular commitment but your terms also so tell her that she needs to speak to you more respectfully?

jenwa · 23/02/2009 20:37

Daisy I would feel like you too.
My MIL is fab and always wants DD but I know I am terrible to have to commit to something as I like to be able to do stuff and meet up with other mums quite often.
I had an occasion where in laws wanted DD and there car had failed MOT and wanted to come on bus to get her and take her to theirs and bring her back on bus early eve, I said to leave for day as too much hassle and I would have a day with DD but they still turned up for 10 mins just to see her as we were on our way out (after hey rang 10 times, 2 messages and a text to say they were coming even though I told them we were going out!)
DD was going there every thurs but not any more and it has been akward changing that so can see how you feel. (stopped going as now aat playgroup more hours)

seeker · 23/02/2009 21:35

One morning a month. One morning a month. Ooooooh, I hate to be tied down! We're talking one morning a month, people!!!!!!!

Littlefish · 23/02/2009 22:05

Completely agree Seeker. It's not like she's asking to see dd every day!

piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 22:12

You might change your mind when you are a grandparent ChippingIn- and hope that you have a kind DIL.

ChippingIn · 23/02/2009 22:31

Anyway, she has just said to me that she would like to take DD to this toddler group once a month as her sister helps out there on the monthly rota. I said that was fine as long as I had no other plans....Plus DH works shifts and often has Mondays off and we go out as a family.

If MIL cannot understand and respect this then the answer is NO.

She said that 'she always took other DG and their mums never minded' (they were at work and she was minding them). She left it saying she would speak to DH I said not to bother as his answer would be same as mine. She is welcome to her if we are not busy but this is not good enough.

So what if the other Mums didn't mind??

She said she would then go to the OP's DH to ask him......where is the RESPECT? She has been told it's ok if they don't have other plans, what more does she want? Them to cancel family days out so she can show off GC to her sister once a month??

piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 22:34

I can't think why everyone gets so possessive with children-I don't think it is a good atmosphere for them. The more people who love them the better and it is a great help if those people try and get on and show a bit of understanding-on both sides. Why not go round and see MIL and have a quiet, calm, friendly discussion and sort out any silly misunderstandings?