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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dh should deal with night waking

102 replies

doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 13:37

DS is 9mo and has started waking at night - teething I think

DD (4) sometimes gets out of bed too but is usually quite easy to settle again.

DH is SAHD, I work full time.

The norm just now is for us to be awake for about 1.5 hours from 3am onwards (not every night, I hasten to add, but quite often).

I think that during the week DH should pick up DS and settle him quietly and as promptly as he can - that's what I did when I was on mat leave and DH was working. At the weekend it's my turn.

Instead DH seems to expect that it's a team effort and we should both be up... he also gets very grumpy and stamps about the bedroom, and gets pretty impatient with DS, thus ensuring that I am wide awake and angry.

When DD is up it's nearly always me who sorts her out and actually I don't mind that so much, she always asks for me anyway.

DH is at home with DC today knackered. I am at work (lunch break now) knackered. I think we need to have a talk about how we handle this. IABU?

OP posts:
georgimama · 19/02/2009 13:41

Knock me down with a feather, I was expecting the usual "mum on maternity leave, DH working full time but she thinks he should get up as well" malarky.

No YANBU - definitely not.

What would his reaction have been when you were on maternity leave - did he get up every time too?

Stamping around deliberately noisy so you wake too is pathetic. I would go downstairs to the sofa and take the duvert with you.

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 13:45

Haha! When I was on mat leave, DS was obv still having a bottle at night and I did all the night feeds (I took him downstairs as he is still sleeping in our room and we don't have a spare)

DH was not disturbed.

I think tbh DH is struggling to deal with it as he had been sleeping quite well. Our expectations are too high.

OP posts:
memoo · 19/02/2009 13:47

I do think you should help with the night waking too. The bestt hing to do is take it in turns.

I know its hard working when you're knackered but being at home with 2 small children isn't exactly restful

benieb · 19/02/2009 13:49

I'm inclined to agree it should be a joint effort. You both have your day jobs. His is looking after the kids, yours is going to work. At night it should be split.

Upwind · 19/02/2009 13:49

What Georgimama said

talk to your DH

YANBU

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 13:50

Would you think that if I was a man, memoo?

Should DHs get up in the night too, if they work full time?

I am genuinely interested in opinions on this before I read DH the riot act

OP posts:
Iklboo · 19/02/2009 13:50

DS could come in our room with a one-man band outfit on and a kazoo up his arse and DH wouldn't wake up!
To be fair, if I nudge/call him he will wake up and do his share but usually it's just easier if I get up and go.
DH does the 6am "mummy, daddy I need a pooooooo!" call

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 13:51

Oh, x-post

same question to benieb

OP posts:
memoo · 19/02/2009 13:52

Of course I would doggies! When I have my baby I will full expect my DP to do his share of the night stuff too

So of course DH's should get up if they work fulltime. This has nothing to do with you being a women, its to do with the fact that parenting should be a team effort

georgimama · 19/02/2009 13:52

This is a perennial MN divide, whether night waking is the job of the SAHP or both.

I really do think that it is the job of the SAHP - yes it is very important to be on the ball when looking after small children, but in current financial climate, can anyone afford to be stumbling knackered into work and yawning through the day?

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 13:52

LOL Iklboo

I feel bad about last night really, because DS then woke up for the day at 6am and DH got up with him

I stayed in bed for an extra half hour

OP posts:
benieb · 19/02/2009 13:53

yes. I would give the same answer if you were a man.

georgimama · 19/02/2009 13:54

But then I am well hard, and work full time, and whilst DS was still BF I got up during the night.

Now he is no longer BF we both get up to him.

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 13:55

Really memoo? When you're on maternity leave and your dh is back at work, you'll be sharing the night feeds?

When I was off DH did weekend nights and I did all the weeknights.

I think DH got up for some of the night feeds when DD was very small, and changed nappies after I bf her, but the novelty wore off rather quickly

OP posts:
Upwind · 19/02/2009 13:56

To function effectively in the workplace, you need a good night's bare minimum amount of sleep.

In the home, park, toddler group, etc you can yawn and moan about lack of sleep without being thought unprofessional or risking becoming a candidate for redundancy. So the person who is working gets priority for sleep.

GetOrfMoiLand · 19/02/2009 13:56

I think DH should do the night waking and you should do it at the weekend, as you said.

You do need to be on the ball at work, DP has got the option of resting when the kids are sleeping/napping/otherwise occupied. You haven't got that option.

SazzlesA · 19/02/2009 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 13:57

Yeah, DD was bf and I got up with her during the night after I was back at work. (I was not well hard though, it was bloody awful)

I felt that was different because we were both working full time then, and obviously only I could feed her.

OP posts:
memoo · 19/02/2009 13:58

Yes Doggie!! He wants too, and this is our 5th child between us so he known what he is letting himself in for.

Its a team effort, and the sah parent works just as hard as the one who goes out to work

moomaa · 19/02/2009 14:00

YANBU SAHP should deal with night waking during the week, share it at weekends. Nice other halves will help out occassionally in the week anyway though.

I'm at home with a 7 month old and a 2 year old and I can usually engineer my day to involve a bit of being lazy or a sleep, DH can't do that.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 19/02/2009 14:00

I generally think that the SAHP should deal with the night wakings during the week and the WOHP should at the minimum help with the weekend night wakings (depending on feeding method of course). However if your DC were having a particularly bad night during the week then I would expect WOHP to help out. Problems come when both parents work....

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 14:01

That's cool memoo. Just surprised I guess, when we had DS (our 2nd) sleep seemed even more important, at least one of us should get a decent sleep I reckon.

I hate coming home at night and seeing DH looking so shattered. I know he doesn't have it easy during the day.

At least I get to mn on my lunch hour

OP posts:
Miyazaki · 19/02/2009 14:05

I think if you have one at work, and one at home the one at home should do night feeds during the week.

It is possible to structure your day to cope with a lack of sleep if you are at home. Not a possibility if you are at work. Additionally in todays climate with redundancies etc to be completely on the ball, not possible if exhausted.

georgimama · 19/02/2009 14:06

There's no problem when both parents work Libra, I can assure you, unless one parent is a twunt who thinks their sleep is more important (subject to feeding method of course).

VinegarTits · 19/02/2009 14:06

YANBU you need a full nights sleep as you are the one going to work and need to be alert in order to do your job to your best ability

Your DH can rest during the day when the dc have a nap, If the roles were reveresed would he be protesting so much, i dont think so, i think it is only fair that the SAHP deals with the dc at night during the week

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