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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dh should deal with night waking

102 replies

doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 13:37

DS is 9mo and has started waking at night - teething I think

DD (4) sometimes gets out of bed too but is usually quite easy to settle again.

DH is SAHD, I work full time.

The norm just now is for us to be awake for about 1.5 hours from 3am onwards (not every night, I hasten to add, but quite often).

I think that during the week DH should pick up DS and settle him quietly and as promptly as he can - that's what I did when I was on mat leave and DH was working. At the weekend it's my turn.

Instead DH seems to expect that it's a team effort and we should both be up... he also gets very grumpy and stamps about the bedroom, and gets pretty impatient with DS, thus ensuring that I am wide awake and angry.

When DD is up it's nearly always me who sorts her out and actually I don't mind that so much, she always asks for me anyway.

DH is at home with DC today knackered. I am at work (lunch break now) knackered. I think we need to have a talk about how we handle this. IABU?

OP posts:
JacquelineBouvier · 19/02/2009 20:04

tbh if the sahp has to look after the dcs all day and then at night as well, when do they get down time? that means they are working 24 hours a day. you're not so why should they?

catMandu · 19/02/2009 20:12

Exactly JB - I really don't agree that being a SAHP is more forgiving for the knackered.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/02/2009 20:13

Give over! There's plenty of down time as a SAHP.

pointydog · 19/02/2009 20:13

yeah, dh should deal with it on your work days, without all that complaining. Then you give him lie-ins at weekends to catch up on some sleep.

JacquelineBouvier · 19/02/2009 20:29

tbh i work ptime now and i find the days i'm at work much easier than the days i look after ds all day. at least at work i can have a coffee break!

And i just sit behind a desk all day in front of a computer at work, much much easier than running after a toddler. can't imagine what it would be like having to run after 2!

pointydog · 19/02/2009 20:34

well, yeah, if you have a job where you sit about doing very little, then you might as well get up more in the night

bohemianbint · 19/02/2009 20:37

YABU - we share. Unless you're a brain surgeon and he spends his day sat on his arse eating cake with very low maintenance children surely it should be a joint effort?

JacquelineBouvier · 19/02/2009 20:37

don't belittle my job please, all i'm saying is a little bit of tiredness will not effect most people's jobs (unless you're a brain surgeon!) i can look after ds when tired and can do my job when tired, no big deal.

CompareTheMeerkat · 19/02/2009 20:38

I am a SAHM and when there are night wakings I feel it is "my job" to deal with them more than it is DH's.

During my day I can organise things more to suit me - I don't have to leave so early and then commute for at least an hour and a half and come back home late at night.

You do need to be more on the ball to do most jobs. DH and I both have a lie in on one weekend morning, and if I were up for ages in the night I would get him to take over (although not so sure if DD would be happy ).

There is also no point in both parents being up at the same time unless there is a major problem ie wet beds, children being sick etc.

JacquelineBouvier · 19/02/2009 20:38

great minds bohemianbint!

bohemianbint · 19/02/2009 20:41

Am coming at this from the perpective of someone who has two children, a toddler who is a maniac and needs to be physically or mentally stimulated 12 hours a day and will not sleep, and a 6 month old who is up all night. Between Sunday and Tuesday I had a few 20 minute dozes between 7pm and 6am and that was it - I was going totally mental. If DH didn't help me I would probably have thrown myself under a train.

CompareTheMeerkat · 19/02/2009 20:42

I think as DH drives to work that tiredness could effect him more than me walking down the road to school.

I am not belittling the job I do, but it is very different from the job I used to do.

Lilyloo · 19/02/2009 20:42

DP has always taken an equal share in night wakings with 3 dc and has worked full time.
I did majority of night wakings when bf but i still expect him to share night wakings.

Having worked full time and part time and become a sahm i am yet to find any of them easier than the other on lack of sleep.

pointydog · 19/02/2009 20:56

I think tiredness can affect many people's jobs. It can also affect sahms, of course. It can affect them a lot.

pippylongstockings · 19/02/2009 21:01

YANBU - But it is hard because in my house my kids want me - no matter what.

So dispite me working p/t in a pressured environment that requires me to be accurate at all times - It is me that get's up if DS1 has a nightmare and it is me that gets up with DS2 if it's a 5.30am start.

My DH would gladly help but it only causes more tears.

My suggestion to you would be to draw up a rota - so you say at least get a lie-in and afternoon nap at the weekend to try and compensate if you have to get up in the week.

It's YUK who ever knew we could function on such little sleep?

neenztwinz · 19/02/2009 21:18

lol FallenMadonna .

Leo9 · 19/02/2009 21:25

I guess it depends on the family/child though, whether there's down time as a SAHP. I certainly didn't find there was much at all, and DS was very, very hard work; needed input/attention all the time. So I don't think it's safe to assume at all that the SAHP will have down time more than the working parent. Personally, for me, working has always been a walk in the park compared to a day at home with ds as a baby or toddler (and I work a stressful job with tons of responsibility)!

Basically I think YABU for having that routine in the first place of SAHP gets up! Of course you feel now that DH should 'repay' what you did when you stayed home but in fact it would be much fairer all round IMO to take turns.

takingabreakhels · 19/02/2009 21:30

I am a sahm who did the nights every night and I'm sitting here feeling like a mug for doing it!! Having said that, would you consider taking shifts each night, so if your dc wake up before, say, 1am you get up and after that it's down to your dh? My parents did this with their 5 children and say that it worked really well. I think it helped that my dad was more of a night owl and my mum a early bird. Just an alternative suggestion. Good luck!

oldladygarden · 19/02/2009 21:57

YANBU. Your Dh should deal with most night wakings during the week although occasionally you should do it too.

I am a SAHM and feel sorry for DH is he is disturbed in the night (when he has work the next day). I can (most of the time get some rest) even if it is just having a coffee at toddler group. Weekends/holidays etc are different.

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 20/02/2009 12:41

Reviving this thread with a to tell you that DH got up to DS three times last night and the only time I was aware of it AT ALL was the last time, at 5.30

I didn't really mention it to DH yesterday, just said "should I be doing my bit when he wakes up?" and he said "no, I'm just being grumpy, I'll stop it, it's up to me to see to him."

After reading thread, I am starting to think IWBU and we should share.

My job is demanding but I do get a break most days. DH's job is non-stop just now with DS 9mo, teething, crawling, trying to climb stairs etc. He is very very active and when he naps it's catching up with tidying etc and giving poor DD some one to one time.

Some of the sharers of night duty on this thread have almost convinced me.

OP posts:
AnnVan · 20/02/2009 13:37

I'm on mat leave and do all the night wakings. Re stamping about - I also end up doing this on really bad nights. If I've not had any sleep and I'm in and out of bed like a jack-in-th-box, I get frustrated and grumpy. I'm not trying to wake DP or anything, but I can't help it at 4am when I haven't had a wink of sleep, and it comes when I've had no slep the preceding nights. I don't think it's childish or passive aggressive, it's natural when extreme exhaustion kicks in. It's on those seriously bad nights that I wish dp would help a little. I know he has to be resh for work, but on a really bad night is it too much to ask that he gets up for half an hour? Why should I bear the FULL burden on a night like that?

Leo9 · 20/02/2009 17:48

why should you bear the full burden at ALL, Ann? You are both parents, you both chose to take this path in life and bear the responsibilities jointly. You both need to be as fresh as poss the following day as you are both working hard!

Miyazaki · 20/02/2009 18:50

yes all well and lovely, but only one of those jobs in this case is being relied upon to pay the bills. Unfortunately being sleep deprived is only going to impact on performance negatively and the person at works boss generally doesn't give a shit about anything other performance.

Miyazaki · 20/02/2009 18:51

(Although I do agree that on a spectacularly bad night both should help)

Leo9 · 20/02/2009 18:54

But it's about how you look at it isn't it; both jobs IMO are being relied upon to 'pay the bills' - one parent is home to enable the other to be free of childcare duties, to go out to work to earn the money! It's a symbiotic thing rather than a heirarchical 'only one job pays the bills'

And IMHO, if you're taking turns with the night waking, one night each for instance, you are not so sleep deprived that you couldn't function in 99% of jobs.