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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that dh should deal with night waking

102 replies

doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 13:37

DS is 9mo and has started waking at night - teething I think

DD (4) sometimes gets out of bed too but is usually quite easy to settle again.

DH is SAHD, I work full time.

The norm just now is for us to be awake for about 1.5 hours from 3am onwards (not every night, I hasten to add, but quite often).

I think that during the week DH should pick up DS and settle him quietly and as promptly as he can - that's what I did when I was on mat leave and DH was working. At the weekend it's my turn.

Instead DH seems to expect that it's a team effort and we should both be up... he also gets very grumpy and stamps about the bedroom, and gets pretty impatient with DS, thus ensuring that I am wide awake and angry.

When DD is up it's nearly always me who sorts her out and actually I don't mind that so much, she always asks for me anyway.

DH is at home with DC today knackered. I am at work (lunch break now) knackered. I think we need to have a talk about how we handle this. IABU?

OP posts:

pleasechange · 19/02/2009 14:08

I am currently working and DH is for the meantime a SAHD. My DS wakes up to 4/5 times a night and we take turns with this. Not helped by the fact that he won't easily settle for DH and wants me to bf him several times a night, which is why we share.

If the child is only waking a couple of times a night, I think the SAHP should do it, but if it's many times a night then I think it should be shared, or else the SAHP would just be exhausted

Original poster

doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 14:09

If DH were at work, he would deffo help if I asked (if it was a really bad night, DS wouldn't settle etc)

The way it is just now, he is not asking me to help (I would, within reason)

It's the passive aggressive banging about that's doing my head in the most.

OP posts:

theyoungvisiter · 19/02/2009 14:10

I think it's mainly the job of the SAHP to settle, but not to the point of martyrdom - if one partner is having a particularly trying night then you both need to pitch in.

I am currently on maternity leave and do all the wakeups with the baby (many!) and any that occur with the toddler before about 5am (a few). They usually add up to anything from 3 -6 a night. Yes, I am extremely tired but you can stumble around the park in a sleep-dazed haze and survive. You can't stumble around the office, failing to function and making basic mistakes, or at least not for long.

However from about 5am onwards DH will (try) to settle the toddler and if I've had a particularly trying night he will get up and give DS1 breakfast and get him dressed etc, so that I can have at least a short lie-in.

When I'm back at work I will expect it to be more 50-50.

I think in your situation DH doing weekdays and you doing weekends is a fair compromise but you should be prepared to help out during hard nights.

Him stamping around the bedroom and getting cross is just childish IMO, although I do find that my partner gets more frustrated with our toddler than I do, I think (sorry to generalise) men often don't have the same acceptance of the frustrations of parenting.

Original poster

doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 14:11

allnew, I agree. Thankfully ds is only (usually) waking once at the moment, and he's not bf any more.

4-5 times a night is haaaard

OP posts:

mistlethrush · 19/02/2009 14:12

Its such an effort to wake dh to go and deal with anything (and I've woken myself up so thoroughly in activating him) that I deal with night wakings almost all the time. Even though dh's job vanished in January and I am back to working full time to try to make up some of the deficit.

Even on my 'lie in' morning its up to me to rouse dh so I wake up properly before getting a lie in.

Appart from that though, he is great!

Original poster

doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 14:12

I am an expert at immature petulance when I'm tired, I know it's just the tiredness that's getting to dh

But god it's annoying

OP posts:

MorningTownRide · 19/02/2009 14:15

Sorry, haven't read all the replys.

We do it the other way round!

Dcs are 2 and 4.

DH is a SAHD and I feel he is doing a job that is more important than mine.

I get up during the week and get the dcs up in the morning and he does weekends so I can have a lie in!

We used to take it in turns - he'd do one night and I'd do the next.

I do sympathise with the grumpy stomping around. Dh will do that even if it's dd wanting to go for a wee. She ends up crying and asking for mummy (which as you know, they want anyway!)

Talk to you dh and experiment with taking it in turns getting up during the night or alternate days.

Good Luck

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 19/02/2009 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

theyoungvisiter · 19/02/2009 14:15

Actually was just thinking about him banging about etc and why he would be doing this.

Do you think it's perhaps because he wants you to know that he has been got up, and had to settle the baby, in order to get brownie points for the action?

This kind of behaviour often stems from feeling under appreciated - therefore the person tries to underline what they ARE doing to the other partner, to try to get more credit.

I wonder if you making more of a fuss of how appreciative you are of his role as a SAHP, what a great job he does, how you noticed he was up x times last night and thanks for being so quiet about it (even if he wasn't!) might help the issue?

It's bloody unrewarding sometimes being a SAHP (even temporarily) and I know I have often succumbed to telling DH about my boring day in boring, self-pitying detail just because I want SOMEBODY to tell me I'm doing a good job (just as they would at work).

SnowlightMcKenzie · 19/02/2009 14:17

We have a system where I do the night wakings but DH is my get out clause. If ever it gets too much for me, I can throw in the towel and DH takes over.

He will also take over when he gets in from work so I can go to bed early to catch up on any sleep.

The night waking IS a joint issue and should be a team effort, but how you balance and arrange that is up to you both.

SnowlightMcKenzie · 19/02/2009 14:19

The Youngvisitor My ex once switched the hoover on at the bottom of the stairs when I was having a lie in. I came down to find him eating cereal and watching the TV with his earphones on!

theyoungvisiter · 19/02/2009 14:21

rofl!!! I might try that tomorrow

Original poster

doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 14:23

I think the banging around is mainly just frustration (that poor wee DS has not magically fallen asleep again) and tiredness.

Maybe there is a mismatch of expectations, because we have not really discussed it. and I expect him to do it, but maybe he doesn't look at it the same way.

I tell him all the time how much I appreciate everything he does. I feel he does the SAH bit far better thatn I could.

OP posts:

theyoungvisiter · 19/02/2009 14:23

btw Doggie I wasn't meaning to imply that you are being unappreciative - I am sure you are! But I found I needed a lot more "validation" from DH while on maternity leave than I ever did before we had kids.

lisalisa · 19/02/2009 14:23

I also think its responsiblity of sahp and i speak as someone who's been both sahp, on mat leave and worked full and part time so worn all hats. It is a zillion times bloody harder to go into work as a professional and be on that ball after having been up in the night than it is to slob at home iwht 2 kids and be knackered. For e.g. if kids are young no need for school run so get baby up and veg out in track suit whilst baby plays etc. No need to put on make up and suit and certainly no need for polite or intelligent conversation and no need to negotiate tubes/buses or drive to work .

Even if kids on school run so sahp does have to be up early , once that is done can still come home and slob wiht no-one looking over yuor shoulder expecting you to get stuff done.

MorningTownRide · 19/02/2009 14:25

doggiesayswoof - I think DH is a better SAHP too!

theyoungvisiter · 19/02/2009 14:28

maybe you could "discuss" it rather than read him the riot act? Ie just point out that while you are extremely grateful that he is taking the trouble to resettle DS, unless he does it quietly it's rather wasted effort on his part because he isn't sparing you any sleepless nights.

neenztwinz · 19/02/2009 14:29

I think the SAHP should do the nights unless it gets so bad he is up more than twice. He can rest during the day - being at home with DCs is not the same as going out to work.

If it is teething then get the Calpol out. If it is just habit then maybe you could try some sleep-training? My DTs are 9mo and were waking 2/3 times each recently. I was feeding them back to sleep cos it is easy (10mins and back in bed) but it was very tiring. Last night was Day 2 of CC and DT1 slept through and DT2 was awake for 30 mins.

And the good thing about CC is you can get back in bed in between going in to settle them .

Original poster

doggiesayswoof · 19/02/2009 14:47

Thanks for all posts everyone. I think we will need to discuss - I was (kind of) joking when I said I was going to read the riot act

Argh sleep training - this will need to be considered at some point but I cannot really handle the idea of CC (don't want to steer the thread into a discussion of that, but DS is very active and tends to sit up and bang his head on the headboard of his cot if we leave him, so it's hard to see how CC could possibly work even if we went down that road)

Anyway lunch is well and truly over, so I must go and yawn my way through an afternoon's work...

OP posts:

insertwittynicknameHERE · 19/02/2009 17:17

I think as you are out of the house working full time that your DH should do the weeknights and both of you share the weekend nights. That way you both get a lay in once a week.

We do this, DH works out of the house, so I do all night wakings int he week, DH does either Saturday or Sunday night/early morning and I do the other. That way we both get a lay in.
Although must admit that DD very rarely wakes in the night.

When she was newborn I did every night/early morning as she was BF.

Once this baby comes along, we will be taking it in turns as DH has a few weeks off. I will be expressing for him to feed lo. But if DD wakes then I will go to DD while DD sees to baby lo.

DH is off work ATM (works term time only) and we take it in turns doing early morning/night wakings.

neenztwinz · 19/02/2009 19:40

I can see why headbanging on the cot would put you off CC! I agree about not steering the conversation that way (it could get messy), but what about if your DH sits by the cot? This sometimes works for my DTs. They don't cry and they get themselves off to sleep.

Nightcrawly · 19/02/2009 19:51

YABU DH and I have always shared the wake ups, through maternity leave and both of us working, even though I am part time. We both have important jobs to do, paid or not. And DD is a crap sleeper too!

catMandu · 19/02/2009 19:55

Sorry, but I'm going to disagree with the majority. When I was a SAHM my dh did his share of the night duty and he works full time. We figured that my job ie. SAHM was just as valid/tiring/stressfull as his.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/02/2009 19:59

YANBU.

It doesn't detract from the validity of the position of the SAHP to acknowledge that it is a more forgiving occupation for the knackered.

JacquelineBouvier · 19/02/2009 20:02

yabu. agree with catmandu, both jobs are equally valid/demanding.

why don't you take it in turns to get up in the night? that way you both know that every other night you can have a full nights sleep.

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