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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset at this being left on my answerphone by the school?

132 replies

pacinofan · 10/02/2009 18:59

I received an answerphone message this afternoon from dd's school to let me know she was unwell and needed picking up. At the end of the recorded message, the teaching assistant obviously thinks the receiver has been replaced and says, 'that's a difficult woman'. I know it's difficult to judge without actually hearing it, but the comment was obviously made about me.

I am really upset, particularly as I had thought we had a very good relationship with the school, though it would appear that I'm wrong. The head teacher has called and said that he has spoken to the members of staff concerned and their story is that they said 'it's a difficult one', referring to my daughter's current problem with leaving mum in the morning. My recording is clear as a bell - the word used is definitely 'woman' and not 'one'. The tone in the voice changes, it is very clearly an unpleasant comment. The head teacher is quick to point out how professional his staff are and that they would never do this, yet I have this unpleasant comment on my answer 'phone! I have left it with him, stating that I am unhappy with the way things stand and would like an apology. Or is one supposed to accept this?

OP posts:
poopscoop · 10/02/2009 19:03

how nasty. And on top of that, the head is telling you his staff would not say blah blah but you have the recording of it. Is he calling you a liar??

I would take the tape in, and play it to him and then ask again for his comments.

Oooh it would piss me off no end to her that!

bangandthedirtisgone · 10/02/2009 19:05

Um, you do sound quite difficult tbh.

Hassled · 10/02/2009 19:05

I think for the sake of any half-decent future relationship with the school, you need to let it lie. I can't see how it will help you, your DD or the school to pursue things.

And what could you possibly gain? A half-baked apology from a TA who clearly doesn't like you? Yes, it was unprofessional - but of course school staff talk about parents, and she thought she'd hung up the phone.

I quite understand why you're upset, and know that I would be too in the same situation, but really, let it drop.

twinsetandpearls · 10/02/2009 19:06

I would be gutted.

Are you sure it is not one rather than woman, is there a reason they would think you are difficult. Not saying you are but can you think why they would even say this, if there has been an incident or there is history then you have probably heard right.

mrsmaidamess · 10/02/2009 19:06

I have to say I agree with Hassled.

twinsetandpearls · 10/02/2009 19:07

Why does she sound difficult? I dont think the OP does.

I agree with Hassled though.

Tamarto · 10/02/2009 19:08

I would be more annoyed at the HT implying you are a liar tbh.

poopscoop · 10/02/2009 19:08

bang - why is she difficult? All we read in the OP is the message on the answerphone, and then what the head has said. I do not know anymore of the OP but judging by the content of the voicemail, the school as acted unprofessionally.

Tamarto · 10/02/2009 19:09

bang - Were you the TA?

bangandthedirtisgone · 10/02/2009 19:10

Because, as Hassled says, she needs to let it lie.

So someone out there thinks you're difficult, and it hurts, I can understand that.

But instead of accepting that sometimes people bitch about us/don't like us whatever, you're turning it into a BIG ISSUE.

If you just deleted the message and let it go your life and everyone else's would probably be a lot simpler. Ergo, you're difficult.

muppetgirl · 10/02/2009 19:10

Personally I would make a copy of the tape and give it to the Head. He needs to know what his staff have said and if anything else comes up in the futre you need to know this won't be remembered as 'You rememer that parent who said the TA said something nasty when really they didn't?

I wouldn't expect an apology. They may have been referring to you or someone else but I do think you need to say you were upset at listening to this which gave you the impression they were talking about you. Anyway, would you really want an apology from someone who clearly wouldn't mean it or was only being made to apologise by her employer?

Original poster
pacinofan · 10/02/2009 19:10

There are no incidents whatsoever, other than the fact that our dd is having some issues settling at school 'separation' anxieties is the term used by her teacher. We are in regular contact with her teacher about how to make things better, no problems that I am aware of.

I take your point about letting it lie, that is definitely the easy option. Personally, I find it unacceptable to leave that on a parent's answerphone.

OP posts:
pavlovthecat · 10/02/2009 19:11

could it have been 'thats a difficult woman...{to get hold of'}'? Or something like that?

twinsetandpearls · 10/02/2009 19:12

Good suggestion pavlov.

Hassled · 10/02/2009 19:13

The TA clearly lied to the Head, who is doing whatever he/she can to make it all go away, and the TA doesn't like the pacinofan (I prefer de Niro myself ).

But she doesn't have to like you - as long as she treats your DD fairly, that's all that matters. And I'm sure after this you won't much like her, either - but that can be coped with. as long as you're both professional in dealings re your DD.

Tamarto · 10/02/2009 19:14

Bang - The TA was clearly being unproffesional why should the OP make her life easier?

gagarin · 10/02/2009 19:21

why think the worst of people?

The tone changed says the OP - could she have turned away and seen something else and said it relating to that!

And anyway - what does it matter? It was a mistake. I expect we all meet other people who think we are difficult every day but we don't hear it.

So what if she thinks you're difficult? Don't let it become a self fulfilling prophecy by being difficult now!

Rise above it and move on.

Nobody died.

pointydog · 10/02/2009 19:23

It is very unfortunate that this comment was mnade while you were on the line.

I would be intrigued - and slightly hurt too - if I heard such a comment about me.

However, it was just a bad mistake and I would accept it as a bad mistake. People make comments about their work, their customers all the time. You have let the school know, the head should deal with it firmly to try to make sure it doesn't happen again but I'd leave things as they are.

brimfull · 10/02/2009 19:27

I would have ignored it then been paranoid and disgustingly easy to please..but then I am soooo not a difficult woman

Northernlurker · 10/02/2009 19:31

YABU - just LET IT GO.

She didn't say it to your face, she never meant you to hear it - why do you care?

If it's any consolation the school will be lucky if she ever uses the phone again - this will have given her a nasty shock. Of course the head backs her up - what did you expect him to do - have her summarily ejected from the school?

I think you could waste a lot of energy demanding the apology you feel you are owed - energy which from the sound of it would be better focused on your daughter and her concerns.

terramum · 10/02/2009 19:31

YANBU

I would go with the suggestion of giving a copy of the tape to the head. It seems he's been fed a line and may have no reason to question it atm...can be hard to know who to believe in situations sometimes. But IMO he's handled it very badly. He's basically called you a liar . Did he even apologise on behalf of the staff member for causing you upset?

Request a meeting with him and take a copy of the tape and the means to play it...that way you can see what his reaction is when he hears it.

slayerette · 10/02/2009 19:34

Is it possible - and I am only presenting this as a possibility - that the school thinks you are being a bit 'precious' about your DD settling into school? I'm not saying that you are, more that the school, having seen so many kids come and go, are more blase about it and thus think you are difficult simply for being in regular contact with the teacher about your DD.

pointydog · 10/02/2009 19:34

why would you bother, though, terra, honestly?

bangandthedirtisgone · 10/02/2009 19:36

Let it go to make her own life and that of her DD's easier.

brimfull · 10/02/2009 19:37

terra -you do sound a difficult woman!!