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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset at this being left on my answerphone by the school?

132 replies

pacinofan · 10/02/2009 18:59

I received an answerphone message this afternoon from dd's school to let me know she was unwell and needed picking up. At the end of the recorded message, the teaching assistant obviously thinks the receiver has been replaced and says, 'that's a difficult woman'. I know it's difficult to judge without actually hearing it, but the comment was obviously made about me.

I am really upset, particularly as I had thought we had a very good relationship with the school, though it would appear that I'm wrong. The head teacher has called and said that he has spoken to the members of staff concerned and their story is that they said 'it's a difficult one', referring to my daughter's current problem with leaving mum in the morning. My recording is clear as a bell - the word used is definitely 'woman' and not 'one'. The tone in the voice changes, it is very clearly an unpleasant comment. The head teacher is quick to point out how professional his staff are and that they would never do this, yet I have this unpleasant comment on my answer 'phone! I have left it with him, stating that I am unhappy with the way things stand and would like an apology. Or is one supposed to accept this?

OP posts:
duckyfuzz · 10/02/2009 19:38

untill you actually find out that she made the comment you heard directly about you, which is unlikely to happen, let's face it, you can't really make a fuss about it. Head is bound to give you her side of story, but may in reality have given her a hard time over it.

Personally I would have been mortified that someone may have thought that about me and gone out of my way to be extra lovely, rather than extra difficult...

RaspberryBlower · 10/02/2009 19:39

It seems strange given you think there is no reason for it - why would she say this then?

If she did say it, you could always take it as a compliment.

People probably get reputations for being difficult just for being very caring and expecting high standards for their dc.

RedtartanLass · 10/02/2009 19:41

YANBU to be upset, however there could be loads of reasons as posted here, as to what the comment meant. Erase, erase erase.

YABU (very) to take want it further.

RedtartanLass · 10/02/2009 19:42

to take want it further..WTF It was meaant to be ...want to take it further!

bloss · 10/02/2009 19:42

Message withdrawn

spicemonster · 10/02/2009 19:42

What do you want? A law forbidding teachers and TAs from passing any comment about parents? She didn't mean to leave it on your ansaphone presumably (and I can't imagine she did if she thought you'd make a song and dance about it).

I can't believe you rang the head about it to be honest. Now it's time to move on

cat64 · 10/02/2009 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dollius · 10/02/2009 19:43

Without wanting to sound like I am turning this on you, can you ask yourself why you are so upset about this?

bangandthedirtisgone · 10/02/2009 19:45

At a wild stab you're upset because this TA thinks you're high maintenance and you don't like it and you don't want her to think like that.

But this course of action, well it's not exactly going to change her/the school's opinion of you on that is it?

bangandthedirtisgone · 10/02/2009 19:46

It could be the TA had been in the middle of a conversation about someone when your phone answering machine cut in, and then she reverted to the conversation before your line had cut off."

True - why would she say you're a difficult woman apropos of nothing? She hadn't even spoken to you and experienced your difficultness at that point in time.

dollius · 10/02/2009 19:48

Yes, but why does it upset her so much that some relative stranger has a poor impression of her?

I agree with everyone who said let it go. Life's too short to worry about stuff like this.

terramum · 10/02/2009 19:50

Why bother?

well...for one to set the record straight with the HT because he clearly doesn't believe the OP and needs setting straight on that....even if the TA was talking about someone else then they need to be properly talked to about their attitude. I got from the OP that the HT hasn't actually discplined the TA at all...just got her version of the story.

Bit bemused by some of the replies here tbh....all this speculation about who the TA was talking about seems a bit irrelevant...the HT confirmed that they were talking about pacinofan's family...

bangandthedirtisgone · 10/02/2009 19:52

I reminds me of that episode of Friends where Monica gets upset about them saying she's high maintenance then goes all over the top trying to appear relaxed.

There are far worse things to be called than a 'difficult woman'.

Relax.

Flightattendant12 · 10/02/2009 19:54

I'd be fed up but I'd leave it - for the moment.

I'd not forget it though and would cease to be overly accomodating to the woman in question.

Do you know why they might think you're a difficult woman?

Once you have established whether she is right or not, it might make you feel you can judge how to handle it.

We have an obnoxious secretary at school, who was very rude to me when we first started there. I stopped being appeasing and smiley when asking for things at the office, and she started being appeasing instead - I think she knows I'm aware of her issues, and that it's her problem not mine iyswim. I would have looked a right numpty for complaining about it though.

Keep your enemies closer etc etc

Flightattendant12 · 10/02/2009 19:55

Fwiw the OP situation would bother me only if I suspected the comment might be accurate

I'd need to ask people about that

if they all said I was nice and she was a loon, I'd leave it. if they said 'well you are a bit...' I'd do something about my attitude.

Iyswim!

spicemonster · 10/02/2009 20:01

terramum - sorry I don't understand why the ta should be disciplined. She didn't do anything wrong other than not put the phone down properly

dollius · 10/02/2009 20:02

I don't think the head "doesn't believe" the OP, I think he/she just thinks she misheard/line was muffled or whatever.

Honestly, if you demand a meeting with the head, troop down there with a tape recorder in tow, make him listen to the tape etc, you really will appear to be bonkers. The secretary will have a point about you being difficult! Don't you think the head has more pressing things to be concerned about?

MrsMattie · 10/02/2009 20:04

Just give the cheeky beeyatch t/a the death stare every time you see her.

twinsetandpearls · 10/02/2009 20:12

I would imagine that stern words will be had with the TA. I would leave it at that.

duckyfuzz · 10/02/2009 20:17

I agree twinset - whether the head tells the OP about it or not (and he's under no obligation to report back to her) he will have had words

terramum · 10/02/2009 20:21

Unprofessional & rude conduct - name calling/talking rudely about a 'client' and causing upset. The fact that she didn't put the phone down properly just means she was caught. The fact that they are lying about it says a lot to me about the TAs attitude.

clam · 10/02/2009 20:23

Well, I too would be mortified if I'd overheard that about myself, so I sympathise.
What to do? Well, I think you've done all you can, really. You've brought it up with the Head, who must have spoken to the TA, in order to concoct their lame explanation. (made me think of the time Cherie Blair tried to blag her way out of having referred to Gordon Brown's speech as "that's a lie." She might have got away with it if she'd continued to deny it, rather than trying to pass it off as "can I get by?"). If she has any sense of decency, she'll be feeling embarrassed and foolish, which is probably the most you can hope for.
Sadly, we can't do much to change other peoples' perceptions of us. So, I think other posters are right to say forget it and move on. Even if it's hard to do.

marcolini · 10/02/2009 20:24

If it was directed at you at least you know where you stand with the school.

spicemonster · 10/02/2009 20:25

terramum - have you never complained about a customer/client with a colleague? Are you a saint?

OP - this is no reflection on you as a person. Not everyone likes us all the time. I think probably quite a lot of people think I'm a bit of a pita, especially when it comes to my DS. I don't care though.

FfreckleFface · 10/02/2009 20:26

I know that it is no consolation, but she will be absolutely MORTIFIED.

It's unfortunate that you heard it, but who amongst us hasn't done something similar? I know it is unprofessional on her part, but being oversensitive and pursuing it will only lead to her feeling vindicated in what she said, if you see what I mean?

Similar thing when I worked in a customer services dept for a website. A colleague got off a particularly difficult call and started to bitch about what a nightmare the customer was with her headset still on. He hadn't hung up either, and proceeded to create holy hell. Our manager shrugged it off, deciding that he had proven himself to be the PITA my friend had said he was. (I am absolutely not saying that you were a PITA though. I'm just offering an example from a similar situation.)

Rise above it and be the bigger person.