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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset at this being left on my answerphone by the school?

132 replies

pacinofan · 10/02/2009 18:59

I received an answerphone message this afternoon from dd's school to let me know she was unwell and needed picking up. At the end of the recorded message, the teaching assistant obviously thinks the receiver has been replaced and says, 'that's a difficult woman'. I know it's difficult to judge without actually hearing it, but the comment was obviously made about me.

I am really upset, particularly as I had thought we had a very good relationship with the school, though it would appear that I'm wrong. The head teacher has called and said that he has spoken to the members of staff concerned and their story is that they said 'it's a difficult one', referring to my daughter's current problem with leaving mum in the morning. My recording is clear as a bell - the word used is definitely 'woman' and not 'one'. The tone in the voice changes, it is very clearly an unpleasant comment. The head teacher is quick to point out how professional his staff are and that they would never do this, yet I have this unpleasant comment on my answer 'phone! I have left it with him, stating that I am unhappy with the way things stand and would like an apology. Or is one supposed to accept this?

OP posts:
chegirl · 10/02/2009 20:26

I would be really gutted. I would probably go over and over in my head, have a sleepless night and post on the internet about it. After a few days even I would have forgotten about it .

I am simply not confident enough to brush off horrible comments, they HURT. But I do know that they lose their sting after a couple of days and usually make hilariously self deprecating anecdotes.

Let it go. Does this woman even know you?

OrmIrian · 10/02/2009 20:30

I really don't want to know what the staff at school think of me.

It's unfortunate and unprofessional that you were allowed to find out (if that is what she said), but leave it. Just leave it.

terramum · 10/02/2009 20:53

Gawd no...no saint by far ...just someone who is fed up of being gossiped about behind her back by people in so-called 'authority' and starting to fight back against them

FunkierThanAMosquitosTweeter · 10/02/2009 21:05

Surely she would have said "She's a difficult woman" if she was talking about you? As has already been said, it could have been " that's a difficult woman... hang up.. "to get hold of"

I know if I had heard a message and thought it was someone from Dds school slagging me off I would be really so can imagine how you must be feeling, but it really is just her word against yours, and again, as has already been said, it may be best to just let it lie, or risk being known by all the staff as "a difficult woman"!

spicemonster · 10/02/2009 21:10

Fair enough terramum I think I've decided to only worry about what people I like think about me, I would be a very anodyne person (and not true to myself) if I wanted everyone to like me.

OP - I think you're getting a bit of a hard time (and I've been instrumental in that). Move on. She's probably a silly cow anyway

clam · 10/02/2009 21:14

I have to say, however, that it's not hard to become a "name" in a staffroom. Sadly, what you perceive as necessary discussions about your DD's separation anxiety, might be perceived differently by some on the staff. Shouldn't be the case, but it happens.

fishie · 10/02/2009 21:21

if a member of my team is rude to someone i pick them up on it. and i am a very lax manager.

i don't understand why the school should hold such power, do any of you (hassled in particular) really think that complaining about this behaviour would lead to the op's child being treated badly by the school? is this a reason to keep quiet?

independiente · 10/02/2009 21:31

Hmm. If that had happened to me, I'd have immediately assumed she was merely continuing a conversation about someone else. I must be very thick-skinned. (Or just thick..!) Different people get 'really upset' by different things, so not sure whether you could be classed as 'unreasonable'. I don't think you are doing yourself any favours to be giving this so much headspace though...

NellieKnott · 10/02/2009 21:33

Great post from Ffreckle.

But don't let it prevent you from being a PITA on your child's behalf if you need to be.

MrsFreud · 10/02/2009 21:44

OP as a teacher I can tell you parents can be called a called a lot worse!!

But remember wht you talk about with other mums at those coffee mornings? moaning about teachers and other mums..we all do it, but we would never want anyone to hear.

Its called life, and teavhers are humans too.

saadia · 10/02/2009 21:53

YANBU to feel upset but I'm sure this kind of thinking is very common. I once heard the TA in my ds' Reception class say after school when she thought parents were not around - I had gone to the class to get ds' jumper - "thank God that's over". I know it's not as bad as what you heard but really it's just a passing comment. I have been having a few issues with ds2's reading books from school as they were too easy. He has now, after I requested it and commented a few times, been moved up a few levels, and I wouldn't be surprised if the teacher saw me as pushy parent but I really don't care. It's very unfortunate that you heard her, and based on what you say, her comments sound very unfair, but I would let it go.

ChippingIn · 10/02/2009 22:41

Saadia - your ds's TA said 'Thank God that's over' and you were bothered by it? Christ, maybe she meant an appraisal, a difficult meeting with a parent, tidying up the classroom... even if she did mean the day with the kids... so what?? If I had 30 reception kids all day I think that would be one of the polite things I'd say at the end of the day!! (I know you are saying 'it's just a passing comment' but clearly it hit your radar as a bad thing to say, or you wouldn't have thought anything of it, let alone remembered it!!).

OP - YANBU to feel this upset. I would be pretty pissed off/hurt if I'd heard this and wasn't being difficult, if I was being difficult I'd think 'yeah, and???' Some school receptionists (well, some people really) don't need much to be 'different' about a parent or child to classify them as 'difficult'. Their problem, not yours!

How about doing this... go in tomorrow, make sure you have an audience and say to her 'X, I am sorry that you are finding me difficult to deal with, is there something I could do that would make it easier for you?' and smile at her....

twinsetandpearls · 10/02/2009 22:44

I am glad you did not see me at the end of the day today Saadia after my last lesson I jumped up and down, did a lap of honour down the very shout corridor while singing freedom.

techpep · 10/02/2009 22:45

Take in the message, bypass the headteacher and play it to the assistant.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 10/02/2009 22:45

Oh get over yourself. Unless you want to prove them right, of course. If she meant that she thought you were difficult, she said 'difficult' not 'fucking mad cow' after all.

twinsetandpearls · 10/02/2009 22:46

I dont think techpep is being serious

SlartyBartFast · 10/02/2009 22:48

are you difficult op??

what do you think?

you are after all making a fuss about this, informing the head, not just ranting on here for starters.

Original poster
pacinofan · 10/02/2009 22:49

Thank you to those who left positive and helpful comments.

Looks like I am clearly on the wrong board, looking at some of the posts. Nothing more to add.

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 10/02/2009 22:50

pacino I think you have been hit by the curse of AIBU it happens to us all. DOnt let it put you off.

moondog · 10/02/2009 22:51

Get a grip.
Will you be happy when you can control her thoughts?
By kicking iff they will think you an even bigger PITA, believe me.

nickschick · 10/02/2009 22:52

I think yanbu to be upset/annoyed etc and I think the teaching assistant was very wrong to do this but sadly s in any profession there are good teaching assistants and bad ones part of being a good ta is maintaining good relationships with parents shes failed.

You cant go nywhere with this - believe me ive had school problems myself so its just easier to hold your head up and let it blow over.

cornsilk · 10/02/2009 22:52

pacinofan I don't think you are wrong to be upset about that - I would be too.Extremely unprofessional behaviour by the T.A.

edam · 10/02/2009 22:56

pacinofan, you have every right to be upset about this, but you need to think about what you would gain from pursuing it. It would probably be wise to leave it - you've made your point and any further discussion would just (unfairly) give the impression that you are difficult.

Personally I'd be tempted to set the head straight that you have a very clear recording of exactly what the TA said, though.

janeite · 10/02/2009 22:59

Lol at Twinset. I now have a picture of a lady in purple high heels bouncing down the corridor!

My final words in school today were along the lines of "oh my god, I'm glad we're over that. Now where's the cake?" - My excuse is that we've had a sort of mini-inspection so the radar was on us all day.

With ref to the OP, I understand why you're miffed: in the same situation I would feel very hurt. However I agree with the others: taking it further would just make you look difficult.

BoffinMum · 10/02/2009 22:59

I am difficult and proud.

I insist on my kids' homework being marked at least once a term.

I refuse to pay for overpriced and underwhelming school trips my mids don't want to go on.

I like my children to be able to write by the time they leave primary school.

I complain about the inconsistency between having a school healthy eating policy and the hard sell bake sales at the school gate once a week.

I ask awkward questions about why the church school only raises money for itself and never the third world.

Stuff like that. Being difficult is a duty and a responsibility.