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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents I do not want to look after their kids

304 replies

ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 17:36

This is the first time I started a topic on Mumsnet and I afraid it is a bit of a rant.

I am sick to death of other parents coming up to me and my wife and 'suggesting' that our kids come over to their house for a 'play date' or a 'sleep over'.

As night follows day I can be sure we suddenly get a whole host of new friends as it comes up to half-term and full term holidays. People I have never spoken to at the school gate suddenly saying little Jemma or Alice or Richard or Charles of whatever would like your children to come and visit.

I am sorry but the answer is NO. I know what you are up to. You are trying to blag free day or evening of childcare in return for feeding my kids orange squash and sitting them in front of a video for a couple of hours. I am NOT interested.

I pay for my kids to go to school holiday camp every day because I work from home. I do not go out in the evenings and I do not look after other people's kids. If I wanted to be a childminder I would have chosen that career and if I need a child minder I will pay for one.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MrsPurple · 08/02/2009 10:49

It seems to me that the original rant did not give full picture, and I absolutely agree with play dates etc for social purposes etc, however there is no need to recipricate back if you don't want.

So abetadad what's the full story as it has changed from original rant?

Is it just these hols or all playdates. Please be honest have you ever had children over for playdates (outside of your working hours)?

I may have missed it but how old are your DC?

Trying play devils advocate here, as I think you have touched on a subject everyone has opinions about,you say many agree with you, I have only seen a couple

Nighbynight · 08/02/2009 10:51

abetadad, please do try hard not to pass your cynicism on to your children.

Flamesparrow · 08/02/2009 10:54

As someone who's child isn't invited over for playdates, just be glad that yours are popular

TsarChasm · 08/02/2009 10:55

I don't mind playing and tea, but who for the love of god upped the ante with sleepovers?

They are more than I can manage if I'm honest.

Original poster
ABetaDad · 08/02/2009 11:13

Mrs Purple.

I have never had children from my kids' school over for playdates or sleepovers. We do have friends who we have known for a good number of years and when they come to stay with us of course they bring their children and the do stay over. We fairly often invite people for lunch and especially ask them to bring their children to play. My kids socialise virtually every day with other children at holiday club and after school care.

That is not what I am talking about. What I am talking about is those parents who I have never spoken to before, who I do not socialise with who I barely know all of a sudden coming up to me in the play ground and asking to set up play dates and sleepover dates in the week before half-term and full-term holidays.

I know thay are after free child care. There is no other reason for asking. They are not my friends and they never asked before. I know it is just the proximity to the holiday that is motivating them to suddenly start setting things up.

There is no other 'story' here. I am not trolling. I think a few others have agreed with me that this kind of behaviour by other parents is annoying and I am tired of it as it happens every holiday.

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 08/02/2009 11:15

Or they have children like mine, who are going to miss their friends during the holidays and are trying to pacify them!

MrsPurple · 08/02/2009 11:18

abetadad I think your original rant was confusing and not full of all the facts, imo if you had put full facts you probably wouldn't have got same reaction.

I assume that the playground people ar not particular friends of your children,in which case I understand you not wanting to do playdates with them.

If it annoys you, this is the place to rant (we all have factors which are annoy us).

You never mentioned the age of DC? How do they feel about this? Just interested.

violethill · 08/02/2009 11:19

I think the solution is to work slightly longer hours so you don't have to do the whole school gate thing - get your kids to after school childcare!! To me, that's always been an unexpected bonus of working - you get to avoid all that bollocks!

It seems the people you're talking about here must have got as far as organising their work around school hours, as they seem to be turning up at the school gate at pick up time like you, but are just turning a blind eye to the fact that they still need to organise and pay for holiday care.

Can you find a reason to avoid school pick up next week? Or go in disguise

Original poster
ABetaDad · 08/02/2009 11:24

violethill

I think you are on my wavelength.

I do send my kids to after school care and I do avoid other parents using thsi method. Unfortunately, morning is the time they catch me or my wife. As I said on an earlier post another mother waited for a week to ambush us to ask for a playdate!!

OP posts:
violethill · 08/02/2009 11:32

Ah I see. I always used a CM before school as school start time is around 8.45 and way too late for me to get to work.

Failing this, if it's mornings only that are the problem, I think you need to drive there, open the car door, train the children to grab lunch boxes, exit car and get into playground in 5 seconds tops, and then get your foot on the gas!!

ChippingIn · 08/02/2009 11:36

FFS you are such a twat. How can you be proud to say your kids have never had a school friend over to play....

Out of all the people who have posted here, 1 or 2 equally cynical can see your point, you don't address anything anyone else asks!?

Why not just send your kids to boarding school and be done with the whole hassle of having children... at least then they might be able to make some of their own friends to play with out of school hours, not just your friends children.

You really are a miserable twat.

piscesmoon · 08/02/2009 11:36

'I also think socialising with other children in their homes or in your own homes, teaches children different skills than being at nursery/after school club/holiday club - again a positive thing.'

I think that it is very different and I feel sorry for DCs who only experience paid care.
Although OP has friends of his around with their DCs, this is friends of his choice. I think that it is important to let your DCs have friends of their choice around-two very different things.

Original poster
ABetaDad · 08/02/2009 11:38

violethill

I am beginning to like your thinking.

Problem is I cannot drive so I cannot outrun them in their 4 x 4 tractors. Once I did actually have a mother follow me in her 4 x 4 and wind down the window to ask - a short of 'drive by' playdate request.

Luckily, I have found a narrow pathway they cannot follow me down and I know they cannot reverse too well in their 4 x 4 so I wait until they are pointing the wrong way and then make a run for it.

Oh I know its sounds like I am joking here - but this is the level I have get to in order to avoid the issue.

OP posts:
violethill · 08/02/2009 11:41

I agree that DCs should be allowed to choose their own friends, as well as socialising with friends of the family.
And I agree that socialising at home, as well as at after school club/CM etc brings a different perspective. I was always glad that my children enjoyed and gained from both playdates, and structured, paid for care.

ChippingIn - what an unpleasant post. The OP didn't suggest at all that he didn't want his own children. And you also imply that parents who use boarding schools don't care for their children. I have no axe to grind here, as I don't send my kids to boarding school either, but what a nasty thing to suggest about parents who do.

seeker · 08/02/2009 11:43

Well, if you're not a troll, you are a plonker - take your pick!

violethill · 08/02/2009 11:43

ABetaDad - I have a hilarious image now of you running for your life, pursued by bleating ladies in their chelsea tractors....

Go ABetadad..... you can do it!!

cory · 08/02/2009 11:44

I am intrigued by the way you only say 'I' all the time when discussing your children's social life. I send them here, I invite my friends, I want this. Don't your children have a say in the matter at all? I have always assumed that my children's social life was more about them than about me.

DontSwimInTheLiffey · 08/02/2009 11:46

You are allowed to say "no that doesn't suit me" you know!!!

Flamesparrow · 08/02/2009 11:48

I'm just pleased that your children clearly haven't inherited your social skills as people want to spend time with them.

piscesmoon · 08/02/2009 11:51

I can only imagine that OP children are very young. He is in for a shock! As they get older it becomes increasingly difficult to foist your choice of friends on them. I have really good friends with children the same age and we managed fine to go out together,visit etc until they were about 12-after that you can't do it(unless they have a genuine friendship). I saw my friends without their DCs because they make their own friends. It is a good idea to let them start early.

Eve4Walle · 08/02/2009 11:52

Can't you just say no? If you are curt enough, your children will never be asked anywhere ever again. Maybe that's the point though eh?

I must say, at times, reading this thread, I have felt that you can not be serious but instead must be a troll.

I feel a little upset for your DCs, do they not have any kind of social life outside of the home? It's not healthy to bring children up without any interaction with other children their ages.

spinspinsugar · 08/02/2009 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

citronella · 08/02/2009 12:06

YABU and my what a miserable so and so you sound. Since when do playdates = babysitting deals. I don't necessarily relish the idea of loads of kids on my precious weekends as I work full time but I wouldn't deny my dc the chance of playing at their friends and inviting their friends back for a couple of hours every now and again. It's also about helping them cement their friendships and develop their social skills.
What does your wife think?

UnquietDad · 08/02/2009 12:09

Oh come on, BetaDad. I hate having the house full of other people's screaming messy snotty kids too, but it's worth it for DD and DS to have some time with their friends. I'd hate it more if they never got asked. I have an understanding with the mums - they know I work from home and so playdates are limited to Fridays, and that works well.

citronella · 08/02/2009 12:38

tbh you sound like a snob. You come across as though because the parents are not personal friends of yours, their children couldn't possibly be friends of your children outside school hours. Its all about you not your dc.

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