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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to expect a breastfeeding group to be women-only?

120 replies

Anglepoise · 25/01/2009 12:48

I quite possibly am, in which case this will be the shortest AIBU ever I am just unsure of the etiquette, having only been twice, but I was a bit surprised that someone brought their husband along last week. Not hugely put out, mind, just surprised. Am AIBU or is that quite normal?

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 25/01/2009 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haylstones · 25/01/2009 12:52

I would probably be surprised but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. i think it's great that a dad would want to be so involved and it means he can support the mum more imo.
So YANBU to be surprised but no reason why he shouldn't be there!

Picante · 25/01/2009 12:52

YABU I took dh for moral support as I was having a terrible time of bf. He was able to see the position I should be using and helped me at home.

I do not think he looked at anyone's breasts but mine.

tumtumtetum · 25/01/2009 12:55

I think it's OK. Good on him that he wants to help his DW even if it means sitting in a room full of strange women with their norks out giving him looks

ladyjuliafish · 25/01/2009 12:55

I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I've only been to a breastfeeding group because I've has difficulty breastfeeding and the practical help offered is not elegant. If I knew there was going to be a man there I wouldn't go and if I turned up and there was a man there then I probably wouldn't ask for the help that I'd gone for. I don't think that someone elses dh would be looking at me but would still feel inhibited because I am rubbish at breastfeeding. I don't know if YABU or not though.

StealthPo09IsHere · 25/01/2009 12:56

Personally I wouldn't mind but I can see why someone who wanted some detailed advice and help with latch might be a bit intimidated. The one I went to was women only (usually, not a rule afaik) but one girl brought her mum.
OTOH DH once took DS to baby massage when he was tiny and I saw all that sort of stuff as the same thing, so maybe I am also guilty!

tiggerlovestobounce · 25/01/2009 12:56

I would have been surprised if a man had turned up to the breastfeeding group I went to. The group that I went to was a breastfeeding group, but with a big element of women chatting and gossiping so I would have been as surprised at somepne bringing a man to the BF group as to any other female gossip event.
Also if people were struggling with BF the midwife would help advise on technique, so probably not many women would have felt comfortable with a man there.

Original poster
Anglepoise · 25/01/2009 12:57

The baby looked very young and he looked very proud, so it was quite sweet And I do agree it's good for him to be involved/supportive.

Picante it had occurred to me that the mum might be in need of support but not ready to leave the house by herself (because of the age of the baby), but it hadn't occurred to me that it might help him to observe the latch as well.

Ruby there was at least one girl there who was too nervous to feed in public, because we were talking about feeding rooms nearby, but I'm not sure whether that was because she was worried about getting ticked off (in which case presence of presumably pro-bf man wouldn't be a problem) or because she didn't want to wap her norks out in public (in which case it might be).

Have to admit I'd chosen to wear a wrap dress showing more skin than I usually would (getting bap out over top) because I thought it would just be us girls there!

OP posts:
Original poster
Anglepoise · 25/01/2009 12:59

tumtumtetum that made me chuckle

I seem to be in the majority of finding it a bit odd anyway ... I was beginning to think I was mean for leaving DH at home (but I do like the girly gossipy side too! )

OP posts:
shonaspurtle · 25/01/2009 12:59

The one I went to had a screened area for one-to-one help. Tbh, I was past caring who saw my norks at that point but it would have been helpful to people who felt inhibited by nakedness - I was more or less topless at that point.

Partners at a bf group wouldn't bother me as long as there was some accommodation for women who it did bother.

violethill · 25/01/2009 13:16

I would have thought it was fine for any parent of a breastfeeding baby to go, but I have to confess to now being sure what a bf group is!

Never heard of them in my day (my kids are teens) - I just got on and fed my babies when they needed it, indoors, outdoors, alone or in company.

Is it somewhere you go for advice? If so, even more helpful for both parents to go possibly.

violethill · 25/01/2009 13:17

now= not

Original poster
Anglepoise · 25/01/2009 13:20

violet I thought they were just for advice, which is why I've only been twice, but there's a social element too. It's really just like any other baby group (there are toys and mats on the floor for the DC and the mums sit round the outside and natter), but there's a bf counsellor going round in case people do need help and obviously no one is going to object if you get your boobs out

OP posts:
Squirdle · 25/01/2009 13:57

I can understand why you might feel uncomfortable. Is your baby your first? You soon lose all worries with the next

Lovely that the dad was there to support though. You don't get that often enough.

And what a fantastic group! i wish there had been one around when I had my first!!

electra · 25/01/2009 14:00

It wouldn't bother me at all, and I think YAB a bit U, tbh. Mind you, when I had my first baby at the age of 21, I felt self-conscious feeding, which I look back on and think it was so silly. I would do it anywhere now and in front of anyone.

Watoose · 25/01/2009 14:06

I'd find it uncomfortable. Not everyone chooses to bf in public, it can be a very private and embarrassing thing for people.
I'd be quite cross that there was a man there tbh but I'm probably being unreasonable.

MrsTittleMouse · 25/01/2009 14:06

Even though I think it's lovely when men are supportive I wouldn't have wanted to see one at a breastfeeding support group - in my experience learning to BF is not at all discrete and I would have been inhibited to the point that it would have prevented me BFing successfully - which ruins the point of the group a bit! Breastfeeding in public was fine once we were established and we'd both got the hang of it, but not right the start.

electra · 25/01/2009 14:15

Yes, I think that's true MrsTittlemouse - for a first time mum who is finding it tricky I can see what you mean. It can take a while before you are putting the baby on without even thinking about it. Maybe the woman brought her husband because he was not initially open to bf or something?

BouncingTartan · 25/01/2009 14:20

It wouldn't have bothered me, but I can understand why it would bother other people.
I have to admit I'm a bit torn between the benefits of allowing men to attend so they can support their partners and help to normalise bfing to enabling those women who do feel very very self-conscious. Perhaps a screened off area where a mum could feed in privacy if she wished, or talk to privately to a counsellor, especially if there is a latching issue.
I am very much an advocate of getting men onside when it comes to breastfeeding support - potentially your partner will be your biggest supporter as he will be with you 24/7!
Another solution, is to split the group time wise, so if is a 2 hour group, first hour women only, 2nd hour partners are welcome?

Sorry I've just realised that I'm trying to solve the problem, when you just want to no if YABU!
I think you are, but can understand why!

wotulookinat · 25/01/2009 14:29

YANBU. I would not want to get my boobies out int front of a man, but then I never managed to breastfeed in public. I only ever did it in front of DH.

ThursdayNext · 25/01/2009 14:31

DP came with me when I had my first baby and was having problems breastfeeding, didn't occur to me that anyone would mind although I suppose in retrospect they may have done

It was miles away so he gave me a lift, would have seemed most odd to have made him wait outside.

There was a private area if you needed it though

Original poster
Anglepoise · 25/01/2009 15:07

There isn't a private area (there is a baby change room attached but have never investigated it, so not sure how big it is).

There is a cafe at the place where it's held, or a book area (with some adult books) if he didn't fancy shelling out the price of a cup of tea. Tbh I think they probably just didn't think about whether he should go along or not. Perhaps it was just a bfing group anomaly!

OP posts:
Bucharest · 25/01/2009 15:15

YANBU,
but I think it's great that men are willing to get involved....

ruddynorah · 25/01/2009 15:16

i wouldn't have been bothered. i'd think good on him for wanting to get involved/support his wife/get info etc.

Flibbertyjibbet · 25/01/2009 15:19

There are tons and tons of bf support groups in my area.
Once a woman brought her husband and he was very politely told by the organiser that the policy was no men.
You see its fine if one woman wants her husband to come along and support her, but many women come to a bf support group because they feel uncomfortable feeding outside their own home and come to the group to get some much needed social interaction and support from the other mums.
Ds1 wouldn't feed without lots of thrashing around, I found it impossible to do without showing lots of boob and I would have felt very inhibited with someone else's husband in the room.
I think in that case I witnessed, the husband was quite understanding of the policy and just trotted off to do the shopping and came back to pick up mum and baby later.