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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to expect a breastfeeding group to be women-only?

120 replies

Anglepoise · 25/01/2009 12:48

I quite possibly am, in which case this will be the shortest AIBU ever I am just unsure of the etiquette, having only been twice, but I was a bit surprised that someone brought their husband along last week. Not hugely put out, mind, just surprised. Am AIBU or is that quite normal?

OP posts:
southeastastra · 25/01/2009 20:36

of course men shouldn't be allowed.

tumtumtetum · 25/01/2009 20:38

Our visiting hours were 8-7 IIRC.

Loads of children everywhere running about and large extended families milling about.

I am always amazed by the difference in people's experiences of services when I come on here!

MrsTittleMouse · 25/01/2009 20:42

Holy cow!
Even the fathers weren't allowed to come in until 10am and visiting hours for everyone else were restricted to 1 (or 2?) hours in the evening - only children of the Mum allowed, and only 2 to a bed at a time.

When DD1 was born, I think that the woman next to me was an employee at the hospital. She had loads of visitors at non-visiting hours, and it drove me nuts. They even spoiled DD's hearing test, as they were so loud.

tumtumtetum · 25/01/2009 20:44

In the bed next to me while I was on the ward where they put you straight after a CS so they can keep an eye on you, the person in the next bed had at least 8 people there all day every day (well for the 2 days I was in that bit anyway).

I had mum dad and DH and felt pretty unpopular

Original poster
Anglepoise · 25/01/2009 22:22

MrsTM ours was the same - partners from 9-9 only and other visitors severely restricted (no kids, only two at a time). My parents turned up early they were so excited and were sent to the canteen for half an hour!

OP posts:
Wizzska · 26/01/2009 10:27

I think it is ok for a man to come to a bf group with his DW for moral support if she needs it, but there should be somewhere to go if you need extra help or privacy.

I've only been to one once and it was after an absolutely awful time - bad latch, 6 weeks of on and off mastitis, lumps, cracked nips and a baby who hadn't gained back his birth weight. All the midwives told me not to ff. I must admit that as soon as the BF advisor spoke to me I burst into tears and had to be taken out of the room anyway and had a long private chat with her. I was a bit fragile and would have found it hard with men there unless there was a private place to go. Thankfully things started improving from then on.

DandyLioness · 26/01/2009 10:39

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pookamoo · 26/01/2009 10:39

At the bf group I go to, new mums quite often have their dh with them the first time they come. My dh went with me. That said, he did get me to go in first and ask if anyone minded, which no-one did.

Sometimes you need your dh to be with you, is all. Nome of the dads I have seen there have ever gone back a second time though! I suppose that a week later their dw has gained the confidence to go by herself... either that or they were too scared by the prospect of chatting to a random stranger with her norks out over a cup of tea and a biscuit!

DandyLioness · 26/01/2009 10:43

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DandyLioness · 26/01/2009 10:44

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traceybath · 26/01/2009 10:51

I don't think men should be there and as others have said even if asked - its quite difficult to say to somebody - actually no i'd rather your DH didn't come in.

Don't get me started on visiting on post-natal wards either - ds2 was in NICU for a week and the woman opposite had about 10 visitors despite the fact it was meant to be very limited and all were looking at me and not very quietly whispering 'where's her baby'. Luckily i was then moved to a private room.

purlease · 26/01/2009 11:02

When I was pregnant with DD, DH and I went to an ante natal class at th ehospital which included a session on breastfeeding. We had to bring teddies or dolls for this section .

Anyway DH thought it would be interesting to ask if women with breast enlargements would have any issues breastgfeeding - guess where all the eyes in the room turned

Would definitely not take him to an exclusive breastfeeding group

prettybird · 26/01/2009 11:54

My hospital ran a number of ante-natal breastfeeding workshops for "Mums", "Mums & Dads" and "Mums & Grans". I chose to take my Mum to the one that was "Mums & Grans" - althugh IIRC, she was the only Gran there.

Apparantelt there is research that suggests one of the keys to successful breasfeeding is support from your partner (but don't ask me to quote it - it was a long time ago I saw the reference), so I think there should be somewhere that they can go to help understand and support their wife.

Having said that, I can understadn that some other women might find it uncomfortable to ask for the necessary suport when there are men around.

Maybe the solution is to for the breast feeding support groups to say that (for example), the first meeting of every month will be open to all: partners, Grans etc as well as just the mums. That way, those mums who wouldn't be comfortable would be aware that there might be men there.

Highlander · 26/01/2009 12:10

when I had DS1 (in Canada), everything regarding childbirth, feeding and parenting was aimed at couples.

For tiny infants (less than 1 month-ish), dads would commonly come along to the Wed afternoon baby clinic (the format was a chat on a topical subject from the HV, weighing, general chat with everyone else - all in a big room with comfy BFing chairs).

But over there, BFing was the norm and people weren't so hung up about feeding in public.

Highlander · 26/01/2009 12:11

that was in the West, think attitudes are slightly diff in East Canada

Reallytired · 26/01/2009 12:13

I think it depends on the situation. If a woman has had a cs or a really bad tear she maybe unable to drive and find it hard carrying the baby. Having her husband take her may well be the only way she can get to the group and get the help with breastfeeding she desperately needs.

Lot depends on how the breastfeeding group is set up. I don't think it would bother me breastfeeding infront of someone else's sensible and considerate husband. However I can see how it might embaress other women.

Prehaps breastfeeding cafes need a waiting area for spouses.

bundle · 26/01/2009 12:20

we did a day's bf workshop when i went to (private) ante natal classes. men were told not to come.

DandyLioness · 26/01/2009 12:37

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MrsTittleMouse · 26/01/2009 12:54

I agree Dandy - I wasn't at all "hung up" about feeding in public once we had learned. In fact, I've breastfed in all sorts of strange and wonderful places! But learning to breastfeed means being completely topless for a lot of women and that is something that I would not want a strange man witnessing.

OatcakeCravings · 26/01/2009 14:00

YANBU - I didn't BF (couldn't..long story...) I think part of my problems stemmed from the fact that I couldn't cope with having my boobs out in public. My baby was in the SCBU for a week which wasn't private and obviously had many fathers visiting all day and I just couldn't bring myself to take off my nightie and put my baby to my chest in front of strangers.

So if I'd mangaged to try BFing and had come to your group for help I would have turned and walked out again.

beforesunrise · 26/01/2009 14:04

i went to one once and the woman running it made the one lone bloke wait outside. i suppose it made everyone else less self conscious about talking of leaking, cracked nipples and the like. but otoh, i think if he had made the effort to come he clearly cared about his partner and baby, and probably wouldn't have even heard the other women complaining...

Leeza2 · 26/01/2009 14:13

YANBU

i woudl expect it to be women only as well

once i went in a bf area at a large shoping centre and their was a man there with his partner. i thought he was pretty cheeky. this is a screened off area beside the baby changing area. there is a sign that says bf area. surely its for mums who don't feel confortable feeding in public areas, like the food court? Otherwise...what's the point of it?

missblythe · 26/01/2009 14:17

'tis a tricky one.

When I had DD, I couldn't drive, so DH used to drop us off at the bf group and then we'd walk back (which I wouldn't have been able to do if it had been much further/if I'd had a section).

Some people did bring their partners, which I didn't LOVE, as I was sat there topless and leaking while a parade of random HVs and BF consultants rummaged with my norks, but really, I just wanted to learn how to feed my baby.

I do remember one girl who came, though, who for religious reasosn couldn't even show her face if a man was in the room, never mind her boobs, so when a dad turned up she had to put her veil back on, and go home. She never came back, which was sad.

orangehead · 26/01/2009 14:19

I can understand that some might be uncomfortable with it. But apparently statically (was told)women are more likely to succeed at exclusive bf till 6 months if they have good support, for a man to give support surely he needs information too of the benefits, the difficulties and how he can help.

Love2Cuddle · 26/01/2009 15:06

Im not sure I agree,I believe that there are a number of first time mums who would find breastfeeeding daunting enough,and possibly not feel comfortable expressing there worries etc with a chap in the room.Theres plenty of support that dad can give,also,when the midwife comes to the house after babys born dad'll be there if any questions etc.Its not the man that can do ANYTHING regarding baby latching on etc.I believe daddys should be involved in most things,Im not saying they shouldnt!To me it would make me feel arkward having a man there.BUT thats just my opinon