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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to expect a breastfeeding group to be women-only?

120 replies

Anglepoise · 25/01/2009 12:48

I quite possibly am, in which case this will be the shortest AIBU ever I am just unsure of the etiquette, having only been twice, but I was a bit surprised that someone brought their husband along last week. Not hugely put out, mind, just surprised. Am AIBU or is that quite normal?

OP posts:

lou222 · 26/01/2009 16:45

i go regulaly to a bfeeding cafe/support group.
men often come and i hate it, i just want to be able to relax and feed my son without trying to cover up and be ultra discreet.

Why do women need their support?? I don't understand that.

One sat right next to me on sofa so i had to turn completely the other way to latch my son on as i really couldnt do this at that time without revealing my boob and nipple.
but as someone else said they rarely come back a second time

prettybird · 26/01/2009 18:17

Women need thier support becuase if they don't have it, they will often give up. How many threads have their been on here (as well as the HV ones ) where smoene ishaving problems with their bf and complaining that their dp/dh just wants them "to give up and/or give some formula so that they can 'help'"??

I was fortunate: my dh was incredibly supportive and when I was going thruogh all the problems with ds' inability to latch on/gain weight, never once suggested that I just give some formula but consistently told me to look at ds and see that he was healthy, happy and alert (and that if there were any problems, by dad, the proud grnadad, would have insisted on taking him straight in to see his ex-colleagues at the children's hospital).

Not very one is so luck in having such positve support: your partner, as the person who is around you more than anyone else, has a tremendous role in helping to ensure successful bf. And if they come along to even just some bf support sessions, in order to be of more support, surely that is a good thing?

pointydog · 26/01/2009 18:19

Only read op.

Of course YANBU.

Breastfeeidng groups are for women. Michty me, that man must feel like a prize turkey.

domesticslattern · 26/01/2009 20:52

I don't think men should be at bf support groups, for all the reasons set out here. I merrily bf now in the middle of Piccadilly Circus, but the time I was going to a bf support group was pretty difficult. It involved a lot of exposure of my body at a time when my confidence was rock bottom (and then some). At the time I was embarassed about waving my tits around in front of other women tbh, even though most of them were doing the same thing.

What does get my goat is when men are excluded from the pre-birth bf workshops, where there is absolutely no tit exposure and most of us were pretty chirpy. That is when the real facts are imparted, and it pisses me off hugely to see them ushered out of the room for that bit. That's what happened in my local NHS classes and I know it happens in private ones too.

There is one advert in a shop near me for a Breastfeeding Workshop (one of those private ones where you pay £45 for 2 hours ) for pregnant mothers, which positively trumpets "NO MEN!". Well, honeys, you might regret that because it's the bloke who you are going to really really need to help you with bf, and if he doesn't understand the importance of it then you're buggered. So it would be as well to have him at the pre-birth bf workshop too. FGS why are we embarassed about tits but make them sit through the class on fanjos?

Caz10 · 26/01/2009 20:54

lou222 i don't understand why you don't understand that! DH was key to me continuing to breastfeed in so many ways, from moral support when I was weeping over it, to practical support positioning DD, helping with latch etc, and of course bringing the tea and chocolate! Literally couldn't have done it without him!
He didn't come to my BFN group, but would have been more than welcome, other dads were there, anyone needing "hands on help" generally just turned their backs on the crowd anyway, whether men were there or not. DH came with me to BFN counsellor's house, and to mat unit to see lactation consultant (I needed a LOT of help, lol!). He didn't come to BFN group because he felt out of place, but that was his call. As someone else rightly said, I did need him the 1st few times just to get over there.

moomaa · 26/01/2009 22:05

I am properly surprised at how strongly people feel about this, I totally understand not wanting anyone male or female to see the state of your body soon after having a baby or seeing the constant attempts to 'get it right' but why is it different if a bloke sees?

Really I'm sure 99% of men would not be looking at a mother of a new born for pervy reasons?! Most people (male or female) will be trying not to look anyway.

I wanted DH there so I wouldn't be a crying mess (was first time anyway) and I might not have gone if he couldn't have taken me there. Like someone else said, he didn't come after the first few times anyway.

hazeyjane · 26/01/2009 22:09

God I wish dh had come to the bfeeding group that I went to when I was struggling with b'feeding dd1. It was a nightmare, and I could have really done with some moral support, as it was I left in tears, and made the decision to move onto formula the next day.

domesticslattern · 27/01/2009 17:56

Asked DH last night about this AIBU. He thought about it deeply and then said, "Well, it should be like those women-only sex shops, shouldn't it?"

and he carefully explained that men should only be invited in as guests of women and not on their own, as then it would stop perverts coming to lech and make women feel uncomfortable. Just like a particular sex shop called Sh! in Old Street, which has the same policy.

MrsTittleMouse · 27/01/2009 19:10

I asked my DH too, and he was surprised that men would want to go. He was very supportive of me breastfeeding, but couldn't think of anything worse than being surrounded by a load of postpartum hormonal women, getting out their breasts and struggling to feed screaming infants. I can see his point.

LucyEllensmummy · 27/01/2009 20:12

I absolutely think it is right that men go along and are made welcome. I would have thought that breast feeding in front of other parents would be the most natural thing in the world. Believe me, they are probably so intent on not looking at your boobs they tie themselves up in knots.

This reminds me of when my DP had to go and pick up a breast pump from the NCT lady. A lovely lady who ended up putting loads of work my DPs way (carpenter). He came home after being gone for ages with an odd look on his face. He said "She got out a doll and showed me how to breast feed" I was in stitches - cheered me up no end, especially as the breast pump looked like something out of the london dungeon torture chamber!! I called it my milking station - it was HUGE.

I have no inhibitions about BF in public, if you don't like it, you don't have to look, if you want to watch, thats great too - im one of those awful people who stare, because i think its wonderful! If you are a man and you fancy a quick oggle, go on, have one on me - its not often i get oggled these days!! Shame my BF days are over really . Seriously, if you can't BF comfortably in a room full of parents with similar ideals and concerns, how are you going to BF in a cafe or park bench?

Original poster

Anglepoise · 27/01/2009 20:42

Some people never do manage to bf in a cafe or on a park bench! I'd expect a bfing group to be a gentle introduction to bfing in public, not baptism by fire

OP posts:

onadietcokebreak · 27/01/2009 21:51

my exDP was encouraged to attend the local group attached to my midwife led unit that i was staying in when i went to get help. In fact I would say him not going wasnt really an option....he was kinda led by the midwife!

I felt uncomfortable get my baps out in front of other people and I know he felt uncomfortable too!

to be honest there are both reasons for and against a partner being there.

pagi · 29/01/2009 06:35

I went to a bf group for about a year.

A Dh turned up one week and most of us felt uncomfortable about it. If there had been a screened off area, we'd have put him in there!

Thinking about it, a man being there still wasn't as embarrassing as when a new mum waited until 5 mins before the end of her first meeting and then completely took her top and bra off and sat there feeding. I mean, we all accidentally show a bit of boob from time to time, but that was a bit much! I guess that's how she'd learned to feed but within a few weeks she was able to feed with her top on, and we could all stop studying the ceiling

BarrelOfMonkeys · 29/01/2009 15:01

Is a breastfeeding group like a BF clinic? It never even crossed my mind not to bring DH to that...

Frankly we were having so many problems feeding our LO, we were totally obsessed by fixing it and I hadn't even considered other people being embarrassed by him being there.

DH was essential to me BF-ing as long as I did, seeing the positions which the counsellors suggested and helping me recreate them at home, telling me if her bum needed to be further round etc... I found the perspective I get looking down at my own norks is fairly limited. For ages I could only feed LO in bed if DH positioned her for me...

Original poster

Anglepoise · 29/01/2009 18:20

I don't know what a BF clinic is Our BF group is a bunch of women sitting around having a natter and a glass of squash and a biscuit while the kids play on the floor, and a counsellor goes round in case we have any queries/gives practical help

No men this week!

OP posts:

newlysinglemummy · 29/01/2009 18:26

actually as i am reading this i feel you are not being unreasonable, I can completely undersatnd that mums would like to talk about this without men there.

But when dd was very small I went to get some advice about bf and took exp. not sure why, maybe I felt i needed his support.

I think because I was quite a young mum, 22 when dd was born I often felt like a kid compared to all the other mums i met age 35 + most women in my area start having children around 40.

BarrelOfMonkeys · 29/01/2009 19:38

Ah, maybe not like the clinic then - that's for if you have specific problems. Maybe I can feel a bit less for not considering whether or not DH should come!

islandofsodor · 29/01/2009 20:10

I used to be a peer supporter at a breatfeeding roup run by the HV's (one of whom happened to be an NCT bfc).

Men were actively encouraged and often they brought along a mum who for one reason or another couldn't get there alone.

Hangingbellyofbabylon · 29/01/2009 20:16

my lovely dh came with me the first time I attended group - baby a week old and had never latched on. Me terrified of leaving the house with this crazy newborn, my lovely dh came with me to offer his support as I was very nervous indeed. Any new mum who is struggling or worried at all is offered the chance to go to a different room which is where my dh and I went. I disagree that those with supportive partners will succeed as breastfeeding, despite all the help in the world, no-one could get my dd to latch on and I had to express for 6 months in order to 'breastfeed' her exclusively. Men have to be part of breastfeeding in order for it to become common place and accepted, they are capable of not perving on all the tits.

nappyaddict · 30/01/2009 14:50

OP - did you bring it up with the counsellor that perhaps you could have a screen to go behind or use another room if anyone felt uncomfortable asking for help in front of everyone else (whether men are there or not)

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