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AIBU?

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Original poster

..to be really REALLY furous with friend/guest who shouted at DD when she was upset

136 replies

ladystardust · 14/01/2009 10:43

DD (17) just been diagnosed with perforated eardrums - in a great deal of pain. Her sleeping is all over the shop, not been to school or seen friends for about 2 weeks.
Old friend and her dh came to stay as had thing to go to quite near us.
DD (who is wont to loud wailing when upset) was crying - almost hysterically in her room when we had all gone to bed. She wouldn't be comforted by me so I left her to it. (I do have some experience in dealing with her). The now ex-bf went storming into her room and told her she was being selfish keeping everyone awake (although DD's story is that her language was quite abusive - I didn't hear what she said) - then told me that dd needed to be taken to a psychiatric ward for the night and I wouldn't be allowed to go with her and it was the best thing for her.

As I said - now ex-bf...

OP posts:
seeker · 14/01/2009 20:47

cory - of course I wouldn't have been "tough aunt" to anyone with real issues to deal with. But I have to say my "brace up and form squares" approach was very effective on occasion with my drama queening, daddy manipulating, attention seeking nieces and nephews! And now they are adults they actually admit that it was a relief when someone didn't actually give in to them every time, and flap round like a wet lettuce as they "emoted"!

cory · 14/01/2009 21:16

No, but there were so many people at the time who didn't believe that dd had real issues. Half the time I wasn't really sure myself. It took years to get the "real issues" thing sorted. So having another person barging in on the act would have made things even more confused and horrible. Thankfully, dd's aunts kept a low profile.

BlackEyedDogstar · 14/01/2009 21:19

Ha ha MP your post made me laugh.

cory · 14/01/2009 21:21

The way I read this, ladystardust isn't really sure herself how much is "real" issues and how much is emotional. (Some of it may even be "real" emotional issues.) Given that even she, who knows her dd well, is confused, it is unlikely that a guest who is staying the night will be able to give an instant diagnosis.

thumbwitch · 14/01/2009 23:02
unavailable · 14/01/2009 23:14

I presume you have a history with the person you now describe as your "ex- bf" ?

Has she /he stepped over the line before? If not, I would take a step back and consider if she/he had a point.

henrys7thwife · 15/01/2009 01:20

Tylenol is acetominophen. Different drug but it's not incredibly strong unless it's the Extra Strength Tylenol. Throughout teenage years it didn't work for me, I had to take Advil (again another different type of painkiller).

Original poster
ladystardust · 15/01/2009 11:33

OMG! Was away from computer for 24 hours.
Thanks for all the comments.

Now all is over, guests have gone and all calm I feel very upset that I invested 30 years in a friendship with someone who is so completely lacking in compassion.

Yes of course there are emotional difficulties with dd and referring to my other post (good research phw ) I am not always able to separate the real from the acting out (which may be why I sound unsympathetic?).

I didn't spend time with ex-bf while they were here. There was no discussion or apology apart from 'we know how you feel'. I said they couldn't have the first clue otherwise they would not have interfered.

Like I said, I am very sad that a close friend (I am her daughter's godmother) wouldn't think to go to my dd and see what was wrong or ask if there was anything she could do to help. And she calls my dd selfish!

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 15/01/2009 13:52

henrys7thwife - Acetaminophen and paracetamol are exactly the same thing.

The two words are derived from the name of the same compound: para-acetylaminophenol

I really wish people would only talk about things they know

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/01/2009 13:56

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llareggub · 15/01/2009 14:01

17 years old?

Crikey.

cory · 15/01/2009 14:05

llaregub- ladystardust suspects her dd may have some mental health/emotional problems: there is no cut off date for those, are there?

also, lots of us have cried aloud in childbirth- perhaps some of us could have held our moans in if we'd been told we had to, but somehow that is considered permissible as though childbirth was the worst pain anyone could have (which many of us would dispute). 32 years old? crikey!

CoteDAzur · 15/01/2009 14:06

I quite like Tylenol PM as well, actually.

Just not now (pregnant) and not when in extreme pain (like perforated eardrums - ouch!).

There is something called Humex for the common cold here in France, which is better. Paracetamol+pseudoephedrine in daytime pills & paracetamol+chlorphenamine in nighttime pills. Gets you up in the morning and helps you sleep at night.

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/01/2009 14:15

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CoteDAzur · 15/01/2009 14:22

Stewie

Pseudoephedrine is great for nasal congestion, though.

MadameCastafiore · 15/01/2009 14:27

Bloody hell you are the kids mother why did you not go in there and see if she was ok or needed help - maybe your friend thought your daughter was playing up because you seemed to be ignoring her behaviour - no matter what age a child of mine was I would never leave it wailing in pain even if I was just in there holding them I would do it not just leave them.

Can you not see that your reaction to your daughters behaviour may have been why your friend acted like this.

And did you not hear what was siad - did you ask your friend because taking the word of a 17 year old who is clearly not thinking rightly over a friend of 30 years is mad.

cory · 15/01/2009 14:38

I may be wrong but I understood the OP to have said in a previous post that she had been in to see her dd and that she felt her dd was getting hysterical and might settle better on her own. I have had similar experiences with dd: when she has been in pain and hysterical and no painkillers have helped and she has been better off without me. Holding doesn't always help with pain, particularly not when the sufferer is hysterical, it can make it worse. Hurts like hell when there is nothing you can do as a parent.

It is terribly difficult when you don't know how much is pain and how much is them getting wound up. And to come to a decision in the middle of the night, when you have a good suspicion that no doctor will help you and that it could injure your future chances of getting help if you make an unnecessary call (been suspected of Munchausen, anyone?).

Those of you who have never experienced such a mixed-up situation may consider yourselves lucky.

CoteDAzur · 15/01/2009 14:54

Two possibilities:

(1) Girl was in excruciating pain >>> OP should have taken her to A&E and gotten her stronger painkillers. It was heartless to "leave her to it" wailing in pain all night, let alone for more than two weeks!

(2) Girl was not in pain but was hysterical/wailing, whether because she has psychological problems or because she was acting up >>> OP still should have dealt with this, rather than ignoring it. In the absence of action on her part, her ex-BF may have been right to step in and say she was being "selfish keeping everyone awake".

So no, I don't see under which circumstances it is OK to leave one's daughter "wailing" in her room. And given that she has perforated eardrums, it is highly likely that she was wailing out of extreme pain rather than acting up, anyway.

CoteDAzur · 15/01/2009 14:57

And re "ladystardust suspects her dd may have some mental health/emotional problems"

Surely the time to diagnose those is not when the said girl is suffering from perforated eardrums. Fgs, get the poor girl some painkillers

After eardrums heal, if she is still shouting/wailing, then lsd can keep suspecting mental/emotional problems.

cory · 15/01/2009 14:59

You don't recognise that there may be a middle ground, Cote d'Azur, but there often is. Girl is in genuine pain, but because of emotional problems has an unusually hysterical reaction to the pain. The two are not at all mutually exlusive.

duchesse · 15/01/2009 15:01

I have had ear infections and perforated eardrums throughout my life. I do not believe it unusual that the pain actually goes away when the eardrum perforates due to the release of pressure. This is what gromits in children are designed to do- artificially perforate the eardrum and release the pressure, removing most of the gunk and the best part of the pain.

If this girl was still in that much pain after treatment, paracetamol and perforation, perhaps she has another problem in that part of her face- maybe wisdom teeth?

CoteDAzur · 15/01/2009 15:19

cory - If the girl was in "genuine pain" after the Tylenol, what on earth was OP doing ignoring her?

If DD told me she was in terrible pain even after paracetamol, I would give her stronger painkillers. If I didn't have any in the house, I would take her to A&E. She wouldn't need to wail.

Under no circumstances would I just "leave her to" crying hysterically & wailing

CC is supposed to be oh so horrible for a child's psychology and trust between child & parent. Yet that is only for a few minutes and without any underlying pain. OP might consider worrying less about her friendship with ex-BF and more about her relationship with DD, imho.

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/01/2009 15:21

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Original poster
ladystardust · 15/01/2009 16:19

cotedazur - clearly I am not diagnosing emotional issues on the basis of one event.
cory is absolutely right that the emotional issues do contribute to a low pain threshold and make it less easy to bear.

There is always a problem here (on mnet) that posts give the impression that situations are happening for the first time.
To clear it up: it was the NOT the first time dd has had an extreme reaction to something out of her control - in this case guests in the house when she was feeling unwell and vulnerable.
But it was the first time ex-bf showed herself in this light which was totally lacking in compassion and clearly showing herself unwilling to help or support.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 15/01/2009 16:33

Whatever the history, you should not have "let her get on with it" (i.e. wailing in pain, fgs!) if you are aware that she is "in a great deal of pain".

I don't understand what you were trying to do.