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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to be really REALLY furous with friend/guest who shouted at DD when she was upset

136 replies

ladystardust · 14/01/2009 10:43

DD (17) just been diagnosed with perforated eardrums - in a great deal of pain. Her sleeping is all over the shop, not been to school or seen friends for about 2 weeks.
Old friend and her dh came to stay as had thing to go to quite near us.
DD (who is wont to loud wailing when upset) was crying - almost hysterically in her room when we had all gone to bed. She wouldn't be comforted by me so I left her to it. (I do have some experience in dealing with her). The now ex-bf went storming into her room and told her she was being selfish keeping everyone awake (although DD's story is that her language was quite abusive - I didn't hear what she said) - then told me that dd needed to be taken to a psychiatric ward for the night and I wouldn't be allowed to go with her and it was the best thing for her.

As I said - now ex-bf...

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 14/01/2009 15:03

cory, that did make me smile in recollection - during my labour, I was in the observation ward with 3 other nearly-in-labour women (screened off, mind) and my contractions induced air-raid siren-like wailing, as in "oohh, here we go again, no make it go away, shoot me now etc." on a rising crescendo until it faded away and I lapsed back into semi-comatoseness. I did feel sorry for the other women in there!

I am not prone to wailing unnecessarily but I do remember one particularly bad period when I was about 16/17, curled up on my bed in the foetal position, wailing for my mum to make it stop (despite having taken prescription painkillers for it).
17 isn't so very old sometimes.

herbietea · 14/01/2009 15:08

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Simplysally · 14/01/2009 15:09

I can appreciate that the friend was upset/put out by hearing the girl cry but having had something akin to chicken pox which left me on a double-dose ABs/paracetamol/aspirin routine, I can also sympathise with the 17-yr old. I sat there sobbing and screaming with pain at the age of 34 until the drugs kicked in (and I fell asleep so then everyone knew I felt temporarily better as I'd gone quiet) and I'm not really one to make a huge fuss about pain (it took me about 6mo to report toothache to my Mum as a child). 17 isn't really that old to be able to control yourself in the throes of pain .

The friend was out of order IMHO.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 14/01/2009 15:14

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cory · 14/01/2009 15:14

I am sure you feel grim, Herbietea, and you have all my sympathy.

Just thinking that if it would be unfair to blame dd for not being able to do the things you are able do (like remember the whole of a two syllable word, or sit upright), then it might be unfair to expect everybody with a given condition (perforated eardrum) to experience the same level of pain or react to it in the same way.

I note that the posters who have actually suffered from perforated eardrums seem to feel that this is pretty high on the pain scales. I have had plenty of bad migraines and earaches, but obviously nothing like what they are talking about.

stillstanding · 14/01/2009 15:30

I don't think there has been a lack of empathy on this thread, PregnantHedgeWitch. Not at all.

I think everyone has agreed with the OP that the bf was totally out of order. Some people have queried whether the hysterical crying was necessary but we can't possibly know that without more facts. The OP (who knows her DD) certainly didn't think that the pain was enough to merit going to a doctor or even sitting with her.

Personally, while I appreciate that everyone deals with pain differently, I would be very, very alarmed by someone crying in this way and would want to do something/anything about it. Either by getting them some pain medication or speaking to the daughter/mother but I don't think I could just sit idly by.

That said what the bf did was bang out of order (as I've said before).

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 14/01/2009 15:41

So what happened between you and your friend? Did you throw her out? Have a row? How did it end between you? I'd hit the roof if someone tackled my child like that! No excuse for it at all.

However, your op you said "She wouldn't be comforted by me so I left her to it. (I do have some experience in dealing with her)."

So clearly you didn't think she needed medical attention and clearly there are issues around her behaviour when - ? ill, upset? and you know the best way is to let her get on with it. So there is a, what's the best word? emotional, psychological? element to this, even you felt it wasn't just about the physical pain or you would have chosen a different course of action?

But your friend had no right to say your daughter needed a psych unit. That's a horrible thing to say.

cory · 14/01/2009 15:42

stillstanding on Wed 14-Jan-09 15:30:17

"Personally, while I appreciate that everyone deals with pain differently, I would be very, very alarmed by someone crying in this way and would want to do something/anything about it. Either by getting them some pain medication or speaking to the daughter/mother but I don't t\hink I could just sit idly by."

Note that the OP already had got her dd a specialist appointment. They wouldn't bring the specialist out of his bed just because the pain had suddenly got unbearable. IME they wouldn't even fast forward the appointment. And the OP had already given painkillers.

I have spent a lot of time sitting idly by while my daughter is in pain- because I know taking her up to hospital isn't going to help. Of course you want to do something/anything. But there are times when you can't. Even times when you have to walk away and hope that they will have a better chance of dropping off from sheer exhaustion if left alone. It's not something I wish on anyone. But it happens. And it makes you feel like a shit parent.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 14/01/2009 15:52

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dashboardconfessionals · 14/01/2009 16:05

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HecateQueenOfGhosts · 14/01/2009 16:11

ah. I see. Thanks TPHW

mumeeee · 14/01/2009 16:24

YANBU. A peferated ear drum is very painful. A 17 year old who is crying in pain does not need to go to a psychiatric ward.

herbietea · 14/01/2009 16:37

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cory · 14/01/2009 16:43

Yes, reading the last few posts I realise that there is more to this situation than met the eye at first.

(btw dd also has chronic pain and has had since she was 7, still doesn't give either of us a clear idea of how others experience pain)

morningpaper · 14/01/2009 16:43

She was either playing up, in which case your friend WNBthatU if she had to attend something the next day and was trying to sleep

OR she needs medical attention as a matter of urgency

seeker · 14/01/2009 17:06

Actually, I can remember times when in my role as "tough aunt" I have told my nieces and nephews to "stop making life impossible for your mum and dad and sort yourself out" I thought of it as part of the job!

cory · 14/01/2009 17:12

oh gosh, I am glad you are not dd's aunt seeker (though I wish you could come and be her teacher)

she has made our lives difficult over many years with a combination of chronic pain and panic attacks and the last thing I would want added to that cocktail would be well- meaning comments from an aunt

saint2shoes · 14/01/2009 17:20

hope your poor dd is better now

noonki · 14/01/2009 17:27

When I was 16 I was a real insomniac and literally didnt sleep for 6 days par 3 hours in the car once.

I went totally incomprehensible and very very emotional. I seem to remember crying as we had run out of toothpaste! So if I had had ear ache on top of that I would have been crying too.

MadamDeathstare · 14/01/2009 17:29

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CoteDAzur · 14/01/2009 18:32

StewieGriffinsMom - Paracetamol is the one and only painkiller ingredient in Tylenol PM.

From Tylenol PM website:
---------
Uses
Temporary relief of occasional headaches and minor aches and pains with accompanying sleeplessness.
---------
Active Ingredient: Acetaminophen (=Paracetamol)
Purpose: Pain reliever

Active Ingredient: Diphenhydramine HCl
Purpose: Nighttime sleep aid
----------

So yes, I'm still at OP ignoring her DD wailing in pain through the night, with just a Tylenol for comfort.

By the way, 17 year old is not a "child" for medicinal purposes, which mostly function on weight & organ development of a person. On both counts, a 17 yr old is an "adult" and can take any and all painkillers available to adults.

morningpaper · 14/01/2009 18:34

this is why every mother needs a stash of valium

for her guests, if not herself

or her teenage daughter

N.B. I am not medically qualified

Guadalupe · 14/01/2009 18:42

I used to get severe earache in my late teens. I remember being in so much pain that I was vomiting, it felt like someone was ripping out the inside of my head. I think there was a certain volume to my misery at times.

troutpout · 14/01/2009 18:49

Your (rightly) ex bf is a loon

LucyEllensmummy · 14/01/2009 19:19

Everyone has a different pain threshold, it will depend alot on the levels of endorphins in their blood. It will also depend on pyschology and what other triggers were present at the time. Whether or not the OPs dd was behaving badly had nothing to do with her friend, and she would have been leaving my house VERY sharply i can promise you.

I thought childbirth was the worst pain in the world - until i had gallstones, i can promise you, i did plenty of wailing the first time i had an attack, alot of it was fear too. I did childbirth without pain relief, i needed morphine for the gallstones

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