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AIBU?

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Original poster

..to be really REALLY furous with friend/guest who shouted at DD when she was upset

136 replies

ladystardust · 14/01/2009 10:43

DD (17) just been diagnosed with perforated eardrums - in a great deal of pain. Her sleeping is all over the shop, not been to school or seen friends for about 2 weeks.
Old friend and her dh came to stay as had thing to go to quite near us.
DD (who is wont to loud wailing when upset) was crying - almost hysterically in her room when we had all gone to bed. She wouldn't be comforted by me so I left her to it. (I do have some experience in dealing with her). The now ex-bf went storming into her room and told her she was being selfish keeping everyone awake (although DD's story is that her language was quite abusive - I didn't hear what she said) - then told me that dd needed to be taken to a psychiatric ward for the night and I wouldn't be allowed to go with her and it was the best thing for her.

As I said - now ex-bf...

OP posts:
ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 14/01/2009 12:31

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herbietea · 14/01/2009 12:35

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MadMarg · 14/01/2009 12:37

Different people deal with pain differently. Some quietly sob, some go hysterical. No one way is right or better.

My poor DS will sometimes just sit there quietly with tears running down his face. My heart breaks for him, and I get so upset with myself because I haven't realised before this that he is in pain. Sometimes I wish he would just cry loudly to give me a clue!

CoteDAzur · 14/01/2009 12:37

I'm assuming that once she gets to A&E, she will be given proper pain medication and will not be wailing.

BlackEyedDogstar · 14/01/2009 12:40

your poor poor dd! I hope she feels better soon.

Your x friend's behaviour utterly appalling. I would be mad too at some twunty friend shouting at my unwell child.

prettybutterfly · 14/01/2009 12:41

I'd be furious too. YANBU. Your friend should have talked to you first, QUIETLY, not gone storming in shouting abuse, even if DD was being selfish ().

She's a total, total maniac! Serious unresolved psychological problems.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 14/01/2009 12:42

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pagwatch · 14/01/2009 12:45

the only thing that strikes me as odd tbh is that if my child was in sufficient pain to be wailing and hysterical I would take them to A&E. And if the pain didn't warrant A&E then I personally think wailing and hysterics are a bit OTT. But thats just me.

My son with SN can'ttell me when he is in pain so the ability to wail would be welcome in my house . He broke his collar bone when he was 9 and it wasn't until two days later that I realised he was crying quietly that I realised what had happened. It is hideous when he is unwell because he can't communicate it at all.

Any way - regardless of excessive wailing or not - BF was a twat and you should dump her of course

mumof2rugrats · 14/01/2009 12:47

your ex-bf was a guesst in your home and should of spoke to you not your dd. poor girl hormanes everywhere and ear pain i would be in a state too. hope she gets better soon .

Lulumama · 14/01/2009 12:48

YANBU re your friend

but i have to question whether leaving her in pain for 2 weeks, unable to sleep, off school for two weeks, and crying hysterically in pain, whether a second trip to the doctors would have been better sooner rather than later....

AuntieMaggie · 14/01/2009 12:56

YANBU

When I had a severe ear infection i couldn't bear any noise, movement or anything and I was prone to making what could be described as wailing sounds even after taking a concoction of drugs for the pain as they don't always work - and I'm over 30! It was my first ever ear problem and I can honestly say I have never felt anything like it!

It is unusual behaviour for a 17 year old but not for a 17 year old with a severe ear problem.

Unfortunately sometimes there is little that the doctors can do apart from drugs and in my case antibiotics as it was an infection, and wait for it to pass.

I'm not sure if this would work but have you tried warm compresses whilst stroking her head/hair? Not long term thing but does provide a little relief.

I really hope that your daughter feels better soon. xxx

wabbit · 14/01/2009 13:01

Oh poor dd ladystardust - as you say, you're used to the (what is normal for her) 'wailing' when she's upset, and it's all part of the teen, overwrought thing... at 17 i was prone to a bout of wailing - didn't have to be physical pain - emotional pain was more my thing!

Your friend may well have thought she was speaking 'for' you when she said what she did... feeling that because of her detachment she was able to say things you couldn't. I'm sure she didn't do it to upset you, but to 'protect' you in a misjudged, inappropriate sort of way.

She was wrong to do what she did, and your dd is completely normal for wailing in the middle of the night - even without the pain and distress of perforated eardrums.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 14/01/2009 13:27

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StewieGriffinsMom · 14/01/2009 13:37

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Monkeytrousers · 14/01/2009 13:37

Hmm, well you know her better than anyone LSD. But a teenager crying fot help, even by being a PITA, is still crying for help and it's your job as a parent to find out if there is anything serious going on. Some teens are maybe mollycoddles, some will be really struggling with somehting and would benefit from therapy.

pudding25 · 14/01/2009 13:39

Oh FFS, stop having a go at the poor 17 yr old. She's been ill for 2 wks, hasn't slept, probably missed loads of social things, worried about A Level work and a string of other things. No wonder the poor thing is crying.

As for the EXBF -what a cow.

LucyEllensmummy · 14/01/2009 13:51

herbietea, i do take onboard what you are saying and i am really sorry that you have such chronic pain - it must be awful. The truth is though that those suffering from chronic pain do become accustomed to it and the body and mind do deal with it differently! A friend of mine suffered with chronic debilitating pain due to a condition that they couldnt pin-point. He now is a bionic man and has a tens machine actually inside him, with a little remote control for it . When he was having the pain (something to do with the muscles between his ribs) it was chronic and often so painful he coudlnt walk and would struggle to breath. What actually happened to him was, because the pain was so chronic, his pain threshold rose and he had to actually be careful that he didn't get serious burns etc as his body just disregarded low levels of pain, so picking up a hot saucepan handle might have caused damage as he might not have registered to let go, iyswim.

Teenage girls can be very over dramatic, i know, i was one and ive had one and you would be amazed what sort of thing can make a teenage girl wail with frustration. Yes, do you know what, the girl may well have been attention seeking - i think would have been too. Why the hell should she keep quiet because the OP has guests, i do wonder if maybe there might have been a bit of an upset on top of the pain, but the guest was out of order and would never be a guest in my house again.

duchesse · 14/01/2009 13:59

I'm imagining your friend probably felt your daughter was completely overreacting and seeking attention, and that at her age she ought to be a little more considerate. Has she known her since birth (ime this makes adults a little more involved in children's lives, which I think is actually a good thing). Your daughter may however has misreported or misinterpreted the exchange -beware of setting too much store by what she told you, particularly if she feeling rotten; teenagers can be quite fickle.

Your daughter is nearly an adult, and I don't see any harm in her finding out the effect of her behaviour on people outside the family. Frankly she could have taken a good dose of painkiller and gone to sleep.

I would personally steer shy of losing a friendship over this. It is not as though you found your friend beating up your defenceless baby. All that happened is that your nearly adult daughter reported a conversation to you.

Lauriefairycake · 14/01/2009 14:01

I wouldn't dump her as a friend because she did that to my daughter - I would dump her if she did that to anyone.

herbietea · 14/01/2009 14:07

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thumbwitch · 14/01/2009 14:11

ffs, perf eardrums could be agonising - ok, your DD might have a slightly dramatic tendency but it's in no way needful of psychiatric treatment! Glad she is now your ex-bf as she sounds like a highly unempathetic cow.

seeker · 14/01/2009 14:12

I've been thinking about this. I actually think, that if I was at the house of a very good friend, whose children I had been involved with all their lives (my god children, for example) I might very well step in if I thought one of the kids was taking their mother for a ride in some way. I wouldn't talk about psychiatric units, but I can seem myself telling a hysterical teenager to stop making an exhibition of herself, and to stop attention seeking and selfish. And it does cross my mind that said attention seeking teen might very well embroider the conversation when reporting it to her mother....

thumbwitch · 14/01/2009 14:14

yes seeker, but ddn't the OP say that the (now ex) bf told her (the OP) that the DD shoudl be in a psych ward?

flaminhell · 14/01/2009 14:28

The ex bf could have handled it better, but she may have over reacted due to time of night and screaming drama queen!

I know you said your dd is poorly with her ears, but at 17 she needs to grow up, sorry but neither of you were unreasonable, your dd was, imo, psych ward was a little far stretched though, although wailing and carrying on is not a reasonable reaction to most circumstances at 17, unless it was a dyer situation.

cory · 14/01/2009 14:58

duchesse on Wed 14-Jan-09 13:59:56

"Your daughter is nearly an adult, and I don't see any harm in her finding out the effect of her behaviour on people outside the family. Frankly she could have taken a good dose of painkiller and gone to sleep."

As I think several posters have mentioned, painkillers do not always work. In which case she probably couldn't.

I am not personally a wailer or, I think, a hysterical attention seeker. But I can't be the only woman who cried out with the pangs of childbirth? Or am I?

And I am quite willing to accept that possibly some other person with another problem may be in as much, or more, pain as I was.

Just because I've had earaches and didn't cry doesn't mean everyone who has an earache is going through exactly the same pain level. Herbietea has a migraine today and is still able to look at a computer screen. My dd has a migraine and is unable even to speak coherently, let alone walk straight or distinguish printed words (not wailing though). They are clearly not having the same experience. So why shouldn't two people with earaches have totally different experiences?

I know women who have given birth without any vocalisation whatsoever. And others who've screamed the place down. Isn't it likely that this is at least partly to do with different pain levels?