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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my MIL to be at the birth of my baby

119 replies

Reallytired · 11/01/2009 09:56

I am planning a homebirth which my in laws are strongly against.

Anyway my MIL is saying that she will not look after my seven year old son in their house. She wants to be present at the birth of her granchild. I have said "fine", and my own mother has promised that she will drive 50 miles and look after him. Admitally my poor mother will have no choice but to stay at our house. It would be unreasonable to expect a lady in her seventies to drive 100 miles in one day.

However I don't mind my mother being in our house when I give birth. She is a retired midwife and I think she will have the sense not to interfere. She has said that if the baby is born during the day that she will take my son out to the cinema or swimming. If the baby is born at night she will sleep in the spare room while my son is in bed.

My MIL is mortally offended that I do not want her in my house while I give birth, but I am prepared to have my own mother. Am I unreasonable not to treat them equally?

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 11/01/2009 09:57

YANBU at all.

norkmonster · 11/01/2009 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seuss · 11/01/2009 09:59

Your mother is only coming to look after your son - it's not like she is going to be watching the birth. So MIL has nothing to be jealous of! YANBU - it will stress you if she is there and you don't really want her there.

MarlaSinger · 11/01/2009 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maretta · 11/01/2009 10:00

YANBU

misscathcart · 11/01/2009 10:01

YANBU

choosyfloosy · 11/01/2009 10:01

????

Of COURSE yanbu.

Did your MIL really have both her mother and her MIL with her when she gave birth? Every time?

There are certain times when your own mother, if you still have her, takes priority over an in-law. Birth is pretty much the top one.

Try to be nice - I'm sure she'll get over this. But no, YANBU.

Monkeyblue · 11/01/2009 10:01

YANBU

She won`t help out with your DS by having him at her house which would be better for him and you

When you go in to labour don`t tell her and after tell her it happened really quick

BecauseImWorthIt · 11/01/2009 10:02

Yes and no! Your MIL is just as much a grandmother as your mother will be, so on this basis you are being unfair.

I can see that you would prefer to have your own mother with you, (and I would have been in just the same position as you), but I can also understand how your MIL will feel knowing that your mother is there but she isn't.

However, it's a difficult one because I also think that you have the right to choose who you want to be at your birth!

Is the issue about looking after your other child though? You talk about your mother doing this but also refer to her being a midwife. It might be a very good idea to clarify that her role is only to look after your child, and that she is not actually going to be with you at the birth itself. If MIL knows that then that may pacify her. Why don't you invite her over to help out your mother? You and your DH (and the attending midwife) can then get on with the birth in another room in the house - privately.

belgo · 11/01/2009 10:05

I can't even believe you are asking this! of course yanbu.

janeite · 11/01/2009 10:08

You are bing totally reasonable. But what does your dh think? He should be supporting you.

janeite · 11/01/2009 10:08

being

mamalovesmojitos · 11/01/2009 10:10

YANBU of course. it's you that will be giving birth and you get the say on who is there and who is not.

chancelloroftheexCHEQUERS · 11/01/2009 10:10

Haven't actually read the OP, but no, YANBU

Gorionine · 11/01/2009 10:12

BecauseImWorthIt idea is quite good. If you tell your mil that she can stay with your mum to look after your DC, she will be amongst the select few who will see your newborn right after birth but without being present in the same room as you. It seems like a reasonnable compromise to me. I do not think she should be the one deciding to stay at your bedside , if it does not make you confortable she cannot reasonnably over rule you.

LucyEllensmummy · 11/01/2009 10:13

I think the problem i would have is that she is actually against the home birth - does she think her being there is going to make a difference then? Perhaps she can tell the midwives what to do!! It is a difficult one as im sure you dont want to upset your MIL, but this is one time when your feelings take preceidence over everyone else

beanieb · 11/01/2009 10:14

It's your birth and it's up to you who you have present. Your relationship with your own mother is no doubt a stronget, longer more intimate one and so for your MIL to take offence, well it's just rediculous.

janeite · 11/01/2009 10:15

Whether or not she is against the idea of a home birth is irrelevant; it is nothing to do with her. I totally agree with Lucy that YOUR feelings have absolute priority here.

beanieb · 11/01/2009 10:16

Also - your MIL is being incredibly rude to not have your son at her house. I would explain to her that her help is needed and the best way she could give it is by having your son at her house while you give birth and if she is unable to do that then you will be having your own mother there.

LucyEllensmummy · 11/01/2009 10:19

I can't spell!

cantpickyourfamily · 11/01/2009 10:21

YANBU - tell her to get lost!!!

Your mum will be there to support you but having MIL there as well is too much.

Giving birth is about keeping you happy so that the baby has a calm and peaceful birth, having he there would not make that possible...

ohmeohmy · 11/01/2009 10:21

As birth is an intimate experience one rule of thumb is don't have anyone there you wouldn't have wanted at the conception midwives excepted. Your dh needs to support your wishes. Birth is not a spectator sport and not a time for family dynamics to mess things up for you. If you want a good home birth don't let in anyone who objects to home birth, recipe for disaster if you do.

moondog · 11/01/2009 10:22

Good God, this is staggeringly presumptuous.
Of course you are not being unreasonable.

Christ,there are some incredibly intefering loons out there.
Tell her to sod off!

moondog · 11/01/2009 10:22

Is your MIL foreign?

piscesmoon · 11/01/2009 10:24

Can't you get your mother to have your DS to stay at her house and then there is no argument?

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