Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my MIL to be at the birth of my baby

119 replies

Reallytired · 11/01/2009 09:56

I am planning a homebirth which my in laws are strongly against.

Anyway my MIL is saying that she will not look after my seven year old son in their house. She wants to be present at the birth of her granchild. I have said "fine", and my own mother has promised that she will drive 50 miles and look after him. Admitally my poor mother will have no choice but to stay at our house. It would be unreasonable to expect a lady in her seventies to drive 100 miles in one day.

However I don't mind my mother being in our house when I give birth. She is a retired midwife and I think she will have the sense not to interfere. She has said that if the baby is born during the day that she will take my son out to the cinema or swimming. If the baby is born at night she will sleep in the spare room while my son is in bed.

My MIL is mortally offended that I do not want her in my house while I give birth, but I am prepared to have my own mother. Am I unreasonable not to treat them equally?

OP posts:
mumeeee · 11/01/2009 22:16

YANBU

Qally · 11/01/2009 23:44

You poor girl. Of course YANBU. She's being a bonkers nightmare of selfish presumption.

And I thought my MIL was bad, for trying to insist she got to watch me express.

MadamDeathstare · 12/01/2009 03:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

treedelivery · 12/01/2009 04:01

Dear God.

Draw your line here and give a firm polite no. Otherwise the tone is set and she'll be watching your ovulation phase for when she decides she next wants next grandchild.

If she refuses childcare/help/blah blah call her bluff, sigh and say 'OK Oh Dear we'll manage we have heaps of lovely kind friends'

Hells Bells.
Am completely non plussed as to why someone who doesn't approve wants to be there. Am imagining only bad things. Hells Bells.

foxytocin · 12/01/2009 05:38

stick to your guns.

if she is sensible, she'll get over it.

leothelioness · 12/01/2009 06:17

YANBU you have every right to choose the people who make you feel comportable to be present in the house while you give Birth.

my mother was there both time I gave birth and it was a god sent for me. Also she is there to look after you ds she can hardly take him 100 miles back to her house for the night can she!

threestars · 12/01/2009 09:39

And I thought it was only with weddings that families became a PITA!
Perhaps your mum can stay with your MIL and they can both look after your ds together and hear the happy news at the same time, together?
But really, your mil should have the grace to fall in with whatever you want!

smallone · 12/01/2009 09:55

I would no way have my mil there, I even got pil's to visit us in hosp so that I didn't have to have her in the house when we got home. She was more than happy coz she got to see dd before my mum. My mum doesn't care about things like that so was happy to wait.

I would get your dh to sort this one out, stress that your mum will be looking after ds, (something she was offered) not at the birth. Is ds her grandson too? Was she present at his or any other grandchilds birth? Does she come from a culture where uncletom cobbly and all are present at births?

Could your ds go to a friends after school for a sleepover in order to keep the peace?

thell · 12/01/2009 10:43

YANBU! I agree the birth is NOT about the baby, it's about YOU - it's you that is giving birth. Also agree that your DH needs to stand up to her in support of you.

If you're interested in having a doula and you live near Brighton, I know someone who is a lovely lovely, and doing it for expenses only. She is happy to do childcare if that is the most pressing need of the mother. Her email is doulanurture @ googlemail.

Good luck! I hope it gets resolved without too much stress x

Wisknit · 12/01/2009 11:04

YA most definitely NBU.

Flibbertyjibbet · 12/01/2009 11:05

We don't have any family nearby, and although I was having a hospital birth, we did spend a lot of time wondering what to do with ds1.
MIL lives an hours drive away, my parents 15 miles away in their 70's.
As soon as we mentioned to friends/neigbours/even casual acquaintances that we were having another baby they all said 'ring if you need anyone to look after ds1 when it starts to happen'. Some insisted that we should do this any time day or night. I am sure everyone you know will do the same.

So, tell mil that thanks very much you have made arrangements for ds1 to do to a neighbours/playmate/school friends house when it happens, so there is no need for her to be around. If she asks about your mum then lie if necessary and say she won't be there either .

If she says she still wants to be there for the birth look all horrified and say 'oh no just me, dp and the midwife'.

Urgh, the thought of making labour type noises with mil (or even my own lovely mother for that matter) within earshot...

SamJohnsMum · 12/01/2009 11:11

Without any doubt whatsoever YANBU.

I get really, really annoyed at MILs like this - the birth of your child isn't about her at all, I'm afraid. She's not about to push the baby out, is she? If you want your mum there - regardless of her midwifery background - then that's what you want.

I don't think there's any need to worry about being fair to grandmothers here - worry about that when the baby is born. This is about you and when it comes to you, your mother and MIL are not equal.

Yes, when the baby is born, that baby will have two equal grandmothers and by the sound of it, you'll work hard to make sure that is true, but birth is hard enough (wonderful, but hard!) without your MIL being so selfish.

mm22bys · 12/01/2009 11:11

I didn't want my own mother with me! When it got tough I sent dad and her out of the room. Problem was noone then bothered to tell them that they had a grandson...(this was in hospital).

I actually agree with BecauseImWorthit, it does seem a little unfair especially since your mum seemingly will have nothing to do with the birth, and is just going to look after your DS.

I entirely agree though that it is your choice but I understand why your MIL is offended.

Maybe you can let her do something "special" like babysit the new baby for the first time when you and your DH go out to celebrate (you are so lucky having two GMs living so close...)

mm22bys · 12/01/2009 11:17

Stillenacht, I think that's really sad, sad for all of us who don't have daughters! Whenever I read threads like this one I normally take the side of the MIL, because that could very well be me one day! All I can hope for is that I am lucky enough to have DSs grow up, that they are lucky enough to find a LP, lucky enough to have DCs of their own, and lucky enough that the LPs they choose want to share their children with DH and me.

Saying that though, I would never force my presence on a DIL while she's in the middle of having a baby!!!!!

Wigglesworth · 12/01/2009 11:18

YANBU, good god there is no way I would have anyone but my DH there, I defo wouldn't want my mother there let alone my MIL.
If she is so against home birth why on earth does she want to be there? You are the one squeezing your baby out you get to say who you want with you, end of story. She will see her new grandchild soon enough I am sure without her watching the LO come into the world.

MrsHappy · 12/01/2009 11:25

I have not read the whole thread, but this situation is of your MIL's making.

Your mother would not be there in the house during the birth if your MIL had agreed to look after your son at her house. Your mother is only going to be there because you need childcare. She isn't going to be making a birth video and cutting the cord, FGS.

So if anything has caused a disparity of treatment between the grannies it is your MIL refusing to babysit. Had she agreed to do so neither of them would be there and there would be no perceived preference.

YANBU.

Blu · 12/01/2009 11:37

This 'I'm the grandmother and I have a right to be there at the birth of my grandchild' puts the mother in a position of vessel for an heir...it's very medieaval.

Your MIL sounds like a complete pita and therefore the last person you need anywhere near you. Your DH needs to be clear with her.It shouldn't have to be between the two of you.

oliviasmama · 12/01/2009 12:17

Sod the MIL, you are not being unreasonable at all.

Dont let it worry you, she sounds controlling to say the very least. This is about you, your DH and your DS, your Mum is helping you and lets face it, in the majority of cases relationships with MIL's don't come close to the relationship you have with your own Mum, she's silly to even consider being there in my opinion. You've made the decision....end of......

RamblingRosa · 12/01/2009 12:17

YANBU! It's totally down to you who you want with you. I wouldn't have wanted my own mother let alone my MIL. In fact, I even sent DP out of the room as I just desperately wanted to be on my own and didn't want an audience. Everyone's different and should be allowed to do it in the way that feels right for them.

oneblueandonepink · 12/01/2009 13:24

I have a fantastic relationship with my mother - so much so that I wanted her at the birth (and DH) of DC1, and she was amazingly helpful and supportive.

I also have a fantastic relationship with my MIL. She agreed to come over and babysit for DC1 whilst I was at the hospital during the birth of DC2. We called her when my contractions were getting stronger and she came over immediately. I felt very uncomfortable her seeing me like that and could not wait to get out of the door to go to the hospital.

It is a very private matter giving birth and you have to feel as comfortable and relaxed as is possible whether that means you would like to give birth on your own or whether you want your MIL or best friend there or whatever.

I think your MIL is completely thinking of herself. If I were in your situation I would ask my DH to have a private chat with her.

Good luck. xxxx

baltimore97 · 12/01/2009 14:11

Just to buck the trend, I did have my MIL at my homebirth of DD2. DD1 was not quite 2 at the time, and we don't have anybody locally who could have looked after her.

I also categorically did not want my own mother present. She would have been totally useless, as she creates mess, is not calm at such moments, and basically just gets in the way. She is also militantly pro-BFeeding and starts getting all up tight if a carton of formula so much as comes within 10 miles of a baby.

MIL, on the other hand (whilst also having her issues), is extremely practical, stays out of the way, and is generally quite helpful. DD2 was born at 5am, so DD1 and MIL were still asleep, and we called them in when all was done and dusted and I was sitting on the sofa with DD2 in my arms. MIL then was a great help cleaning up the pool, making tea etc.

So a vote for the MIL here - but only if they are the non-interfering type.

VikkiEGS · 12/01/2009 14:38

Uh NOOOOOOOOOOOO...... I totally agree with you. Why on earth would she want to be at the birth??? Surely thats for you and your partner. You're hardly gonna be up for a chat!!

I was planning a home birth (unfortunately I got taken in to hosp at 10 cm) and I wanted no one with me except my husband. My mum was on the end of the phone if I changed my mind but I definately didn't want anyone else there!!!

You will always have a bond with your mum that you just don't get with your MIL even if you are close. You have to tell her. Your mum is there to look after your son, not witness the new baby arriving. If she doesn't understand, that's her problem. Don't worry about it, if she wont listen to you, or you feel awkward get your husband to have a quiet word.

P.s. Hope your home birth goes well :-)

worley · 12/01/2009 14:55

god no, its your own choice not here, would she have had her mil there??

my mil wanted to be there and i said no, she got the major hump over it and i thought she would have accepted it, except she turned up at the hospital whislt i was inlabour at 3AM and told them she was my mum, so they let her in. i was horrified when she walked in minutes after i had had ds1 and was waiting to be stiched up
dp was told this time she was not to turn up, so he didnt even tell her i was in hospital with ds2 unitl i was home with ds2. she had this idea in her head that she had to be the first one to see him hold ds2 etc.

ooooh mils!!! i sooo hope i dont turn into one like her.

WinkyWinkola · 12/01/2009 15:05

Worley, I'm amazed at your MIL. What an arrogant woman.

ReallyTired, I can't believe this is even up for debate. Why on earth is a woman not allowed to choose who she wants present at the birth of her child?

YANBU. Your MIL sounds really childish and self centred. This is really isn't about her and what she wants. Stand your ground.

Good with your home birth. I hope it all goes well for you.

sunnygirl1412 · 12/01/2009 15:22

Reallytired - are you sure that you are not carrying the heir to the throne? Perhaps your MIL is worried that someone is going to smuggle in another baby in a warming pan .......oh no, wait ....... we're not mediaeval any more!!

As everyone else has said, it is your decision who is present at the birth, and anything that will stress you unneccessarily is out - period!

My PIL did come and visit me in hospital when I was having ds1 - I had a very long labour (nearly 38 hours from when my waters went and contractions started) - and they came at the normal visiting time. They even brought their brown labrador to visit, and I walked down to the courtyard to see her - we hoped that the walk might speed up the labour - some hope! Whilst it was lovely seeing my MIL then, and equally lovely seeing them again when ds1 was about 3 hours old, I don't think I'd have wanted her at the birth - and I'm absolutely sure that she wouldn't have tried to force me to have her there - she's a lovely MIL!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread