Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my MIL to be at the birth of my baby

119 replies

Reallytired · 11/01/2009 09:56

I am planning a homebirth which my in laws are strongly against.

Anyway my MIL is saying that she will not look after my seven year old son in their house. She wants to be present at the birth of her granchild. I have said "fine", and my own mother has promised that she will drive 50 miles and look after him. Admitally my poor mother will have no choice but to stay at our house. It would be unreasonable to expect a lady in her seventies to drive 100 miles in one day.

However I don't mind my mother being in our house when I give birth. She is a retired midwife and I think she will have the sense not to interfere. She has said that if the baby is born during the day that she will take my son out to the cinema or swimming. If the baby is born at night she will sleep in the spare room while my son is in bed.

My MIL is mortally offended that I do not want her in my house while I give birth, but I am prepared to have my own mother. Am I unreasonable not to treat them equally?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 11/01/2009 10:25

so, she is against a homebirht, but wants to be there.. in the hope she can change your mind?

you must not have anyone at the birth that you don;t want there, it can seriously interfere with the hormonal flow of the birthing process if you are on your guard. tense, anxious or uncomfortable

make it clear your mum is there only as a babysitter. not as an ex MW

tell your MIL if she is in the area looking after your DS etc she will see the baby within hours of the birth which will be lovely...

YANBU at all but perhaps play down the fact your mum is an ex MW. but then if you want your mum in the room with you then that is totlaly your prerogative

piscesmoon · 11/01/2009 10:25

Sorry-ignore my post I see it wouldn't fit in with getting to school.

edam · 11/01/2009 10:26

ohmeohmy, I had both my sisters as well as dh (by accident - they were visiting, jumped in the car with us, meant to wait outside or something but ended up in the room). And I needed ALL of them. Mostly because the midwife wasn't around much (one midwife to seven women in labour).

But you are right that birth is not a spectator sport and no-one who isn't wanted by the mother-to-be should be there.

Choosy's question is very good, ask her if HER MIL was around when she gave birth.

moondog · 11/01/2009 10:28

I don't think you have to justify or soften or relent at all.
Your baby, your choice.
Get your dh to deal with it if necessary.

MrsTittleMouse · 11/01/2009 10:30

It astounds me that people who have given birth themselves, and should know better, still assume that the birth is all about the baby. It's you that needs to push the baby out and it's you that needs the best environment possible to do that. For the rest of your child's life, all grandparents should get equal opportunities, for the birth, it's about whatever you want.

Besides, as others have pointed out, your Mum isn't going to catch the baby, she's just there as a babysitter to your son.

cheshirekitty · 11/01/2009 11:07

YANBU. A homebirth should be a calm, relaxing experience (have done a few as a mw myself). You will not be relaxed if mil is there making remarks about homebirths etc.

Your mil has refused to have your son, so you are managing as best as you can by having your mum come around. Do not give mil another thought. Keep your energies for your baby and your birth.

Good luck.

stillenacht · 11/01/2009 11:08

eurgh!! the thought of my MIL peering round and looking at my bits .....bleurgh!!!

YANBU at all!

alphabetsoup · 11/01/2009 11:49

One thought; isn't it possible your ds will sleep through labour (often starts when the body is relaxed eg when asleep). You might not need mil or your mother straight away anyway. At seven your ds might well be old enough to quietly put on a dvd/read a book if he wakes up during your labour, and could be briefed to wait quietly in another room until daddy/midwife brings him through to meet new sibling. The laST two of my 4 children were born at home; during labour no4, ds nipped out for a moment to put toast on for the children and told them to wait downstairs while the baby was born. They met new sibling about 20 mins after birth. magical, and not a mother or mil in sight !

I strongly agree with the hormonal flow idea; if you are tense in any way for example being resentful about who is/isn't in your home during the birth, it won't go so well.

alphabetsoup · 11/01/2009 11:50

I mean dh made the toast!

alphabetsoup · 11/01/2009 11:50

Dcs were 9, 7 and (just) 5.

thegreatnamedilema · 11/01/2009 11:52

YANBU at all!!!

No way you should have someone there you don't want. It will interfere with the whole process.

Get dh to deal with it and stand firm.

Poor you.

Karamazov · 11/01/2009 12:38

Ask your MIL if she minds you having an intimate look at her fanjo? When she objects, politely point out that you don't want all and sundry seeing your parts either. Husband and mother are fine - they ahve both seen it all before, but she is not allowed access to your intimate parts, just like you do not have access to hers. End of story.

She should not expect to be there, and she is just being selfish imo. There are times when you need your mum, and so your mum is okay to be there as she will support you - but she wants to be there for the baby, not for you... so in my book that is not okay. I'd happily say no!

Original poster
Reallytired · 11/01/2009 12:51

My seven year old is lovely and very mature. I am sure he could occupy himself safely with either a book, the computer or DVD. Infact I would not be bothered by him watching me give birth. The only question is whether he would fine the experience of someone giving birth a bit too much. Even if he is in the house I need someone to emotionally support him.

My only concern is that that if anything went wrong and I needed to go to hospital in an emergency there would be no one to look after him.

I have to admit that in an ideal world my mother would not be in the house. I think birth should be a private experience

OP posts:
Lulumama · 11/01/2009 12:54

can a friend/neighbour take DS and then neither mother is involved?

LittleBella · 11/01/2009 12:58

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Your MIL is being totally egocentric and presumptous. How dare she think she has the right to come and screw up your birth. Jesus she's a loon. It's like her demanding that she come to the consummation of your marriage, the mad bint.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 11/01/2009 13:29

I agree with karamazov.

Ask your mil next time you see her to sit with her legs akimbo for a couple of hours so you can have a good look at her bits. She could do whilst you are all having sunday lunch, or something.

That way, you'll feel much better when she is doing the same whilst you give birth.

quint · 11/01/2009 13:38

My mum came into the delivery suite with me when I had DD1 - she was showing no signs of leaving (though she totally denies this) and I had to ask DH to ask her to leave.

Don't get me wrong mum is not a nightmare mum at all but I think she got caught up in the emotion of it all, however there's no way I could have had her there let alone my mil. Its a vry personal and intimate experience and was for me, DH and any healthcare professional who needed to be there.

I did not want my bits to be on display to my mum let alone mil.

Do what is right for you, you can probaly tell from all the posts that YANBU your mil is. If this is the sign of things to come, put your foot down now

plantsitter · 11/01/2009 13:50

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable and frankly this is one of those cases where who cares if you are?! it stuns me that people think they can decide to be present during someone's labour without being invited. No need to apologise, compromise or explain. A polite and pleasant 'no' (more than once) should do it. There are not many people who will support her if she wants to make a fuss.

quint · 11/01/2009 14:11

Agreed. I wouldn't even give her an excuse or explain why your mum is there a firm and clear NO should do it

LucyEllensmummy · 11/01/2009 14:13

My MIL is lovely, but the thoguht of her there at teh birth, seeing me legs akimbo, using the sort of language that is normally only seen during exorcisms and calling her son all the names under the sun, brings me over all sweaty!

I had my mum with DD1, my dad was there immediately afterwards (i didnt even think to covermyself up actually - how odd) and my best friend and her DP. I was only 19 and a single mum so maybe that made a difference, the last person i wanted with me when DD2 came along would have been my mother. I wanted DD1 there (she was 15) but she bottled it and waited outside

tinseltot · 11/01/2009 16:37

No, YANBU at all!

In fact i think you are doing remarkably well not to have already told her to fuck herself!

In your shoes i would tell her straight that she is being out of order to demand to be present at the birth. Any further whinging from her would have brought out my hormonal and foul mouthed side . Am 33 weeks preg myself and would not put up with this crap!

Your relationship with your own mother is in no way comparable to you relationship with MIL and you should not have to explain or justify this fact. If MIL is too bloody stupid/arrogant to twig to this then foul language would be perfectly in order in my view! And how dare she try to blackmail you over refusing to provide childcare. I would be tempted to tell her she wasn't welcome to visit until several weeks after the birth.

I am outraged on your behalf!

xx

kitbit · 11/01/2009 16:48

Not unreasonable! The birth is about YOU. It's your body, your process, your focus. Your MIL (unless you are VERY close) does not fit that picture and could easily disrupt it, especially if she doesn't agree with the homebirth and might at any moment leap up and insist you ring an ambulance.

Don't risk the disruption, and IMHO I think your mum being an ex-midwife scores extra points for having her present, besides the already huge trump card of her being your mother.

budgens · 11/01/2009 17:06

She is insane. YANBU.

KristinaM · 11/01/2009 17:14

YANBU

you need to get your DH to tell her no

AuntieMaggie · 11/01/2009 17:20

Some of these suggestions about how to deal with MIL are funny.

YANBU - I wouldn't want my MIL to see what is only intended for her son's eyes only either!

I would probably be a bit sneakier about it though if it were me - not tell her when you go into labour so she only knows about it after the baby is born then she can't be there can she.

But you have every right to say that you don't want her there - it's got to be your choice.