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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my MIL to be at the birth of my baby

119 replies

Reallytired · 11/01/2009 09:56

I am planning a homebirth which my in laws are strongly against.

Anyway my MIL is saying that she will not look after my seven year old son in their house. She wants to be present at the birth of her granchild. I have said "fine", and my own mother has promised that she will drive 50 miles and look after him. Admitally my poor mother will have no choice but to stay at our house. It would be unreasonable to expect a lady in her seventies to drive 100 miles in one day.

However I don't mind my mother being in our house when I give birth. She is a retired midwife and I think she will have the sense not to interfere. She has said that if the baby is born during the day that she will take my son out to the cinema or swimming. If the baby is born at night she will sleep in the spare room while my son is in bed.

My MIL is mortally offended that I do not want her in my house while I give birth, but I am prepared to have my own mother. Am I unreasonable not to treat them equally?

OP posts:

mrsjammi · 12/01/2009 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GreenMonkies · 12/01/2009 16:55

Good Grief, no, YANBU!!!!

stuffitllama · 12/01/2009 17:02

i wish this wasn't on threads I'm on
it just keeps on annoying me over and over again

I hope you've told her to go and boil her head

stuffitllama · 12/01/2009 17:04

mrsjammi is right -- people LOVE being on the list of who to call when in labour
we would all do it for you

DustyTv · 12/01/2009 17:16

Hell no YANBU at all.

You need support at times like giving birth and your mum totally overrules MIL in this kind of situation.

You are the one giving birth, you are the one who gets to decide who is there while you do so, not your bloody MIL.

I cant believe that your MIL would mess you about over childcare at a time like that, the woman sounds awful.

jemart · 12/01/2009 18:20

I cannot imagine my MIL ever wanting to be involved with birth of grandchildren, but would tell her very firmly NO if she ever did express such a desire. far too weird.
Of course it depends how close you are to your in laws......

MollyCherry · 12/01/2009 22:54

My MIL didn't think my DH should be there, let alone her 'good' self....

That said, I certainly wouldn't have wanted my own mum cos she'd have been in a blind panic and probably carted off for treatment herself.

You are soooo not being unreasonable. You're the oe doing the hard work, do it how you want and with whom you want.

Have you explained to MIL that your mum won't be present at the birth as such? Can't understand how she can have any objectiosn under the circumstances, and frankly, if she has, tough shit!

quint · 13/01/2009 15:37

So what's happened ReallyTired? How are you? Has the mad loon seen sense yet? What does your DH say?

DungunGirl · 13/01/2009 15:39

Can't imagine having my MIL at the birth...she is a lovely lady but NOOO!!!!!

mummyhill · 13/01/2009 16:03

I had my mum at dd's birth cause I was sooo scared wouldn't of wanted mil there though even though I get on with her really well she just isn't my mum iyswim. When we had ds it was just me, dh and the midwife. If I had any more I think it would just be me, dh and midwife. Mum and MIL would be too busy looking after current horrors in their own homes at my demand cause they live within walking distance and I don't want all and sundry roaving round the house whilst I am in hospital! Would prob call a close friend to come and help with breast feeding within hours of the birth regardless of time though.

Horton · 13/01/2009 16:26

YANBU at all and I really hope you have got this sorted. Having given her the opportunity to be there in the house, which she has turned down, you have already gone beyond the call of duty!

There is no way on this earth I'd have MIL present while I was in labour. NO WAY. I think you were v v v nice to offer to let her look after your first child, frankly, especially as she doesn't approve.

In this situation, it really is all about YOU and nobody else.

SpecialOffer · 13/01/2009 16:33

My MIL wanted to be at the birth of my ds, and I said no. She was so offended and went on a massive rant about me being precious, and she had been at the birth of all of her other grandchildren. For me giving birth was a personal thing, and I wanted just me and dh there.

Anyway after months of her saying things like "this grandchild won't be the same to me as I won't be there" she agreed to let me and dh birth alone.

When I went into labour she then came up to the hospital and tried to get in, insisting I had said she could. My dh went out and told her he would phone her when something happened. Well she sat out there for the whole 14 hours!!

After all of this effort to be there for the birth, do you think she can be bothered with ds now????? No??? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

SpecialOffer · 13/01/2009 16:34

Sorry went on a rant there - YANBU

steph101 · 13/01/2009 17:28

YANBU!!!!!!! Bloody hell its your choice completley and its totally unreasonable for your MIL to put you in this situation.

My MIL went on and on about how she was at the birth of her other grandchildren ( I think it was because 1. the birth happened so quicky and 2 MSL didnt put her foot down) and hinted all the way thru my pregnancy about being there when dd was born. She didnt have a hope in hell .

My birth plan was very simple.... "I will have any drugs as I feel necessary and would like DP to cut cord but most importantly, for the love of god do not let my MIL in". Lol.

What has DP had to say about this?????

Stick to your guns chick its so important you get it right.

ithinkimtallandblonde · 13/01/2009 20:20

I really can't believe that anyone would think it was there right to be there. I would have had my mum but Dh didn't want her there as he reckoned she'd make him nervous, that was fine with me she had a rant and even tried to come over when i told her my waters had gone but a firm no put a stop to it.
As for MIL i just cringe at her seeing me on he sitting room floor on all fours swaying and mooing like a cow, i can just about bare that Dh saw me like that, bleurrr never mind the choice swear words i used towards her precious son at various intervals.
YA most definitely not being U. You shouldn't have to deal with it Dh should be sorting it out.

smellen · 13/01/2009 21:21

YANBU. You have to be comfortable in your skin to deal with all the emotional & physical effort of giving birth. Anything that might edge into your psyche and inhibit you would not be helpful.

Don't feel bad about telling her to butt out of this particular party; if she's genuinely keen to help there are loads of other things she can do to help you after the birth.

Hope you have nice, straightforward birth (well, as nice as these moments can be )

Original poster

Reallytired · 13/01/2009 21:37

I just been really tired. We have found someone else to look after my son.

Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:

EBenes · 13/01/2009 21:43

Your body! And having your own mum there is a totally different thing. We never grow out of wanting our mums to look after us when we're not well. Please don't give in, you need to look after yourself first.

rainbowdays · 13/01/2009 22:03

So pleased you have found someone else to look after your son.

I had a very similar situation, my parents in law dead against homebirth. They only live 500yards down the road, but refused to look after my children. I called my mother in from another country to come and stay and look after the children. As it happens my MIL got called to watch the children while my mum (ex-nurse) and dh helped me, while we were waiting for midwife to turn up. One of my most vivid memories was of shouting at my MIL to leave the room, before I would let anyone check to see if the cord had come down when the waters went. There was no way my MIL was going to see my private parts even during birth, my own mum was a different matter, afterall she had changed enough of my nappies as a baby!!!! It was just instinct, and I think I would have refused to give birth with my MIL there as if I could have done anything about stopping it!!!! Fortunately MIL took the hint and immediately left the room to go check if my other children had woken up. Sorry that was a long-winded way of saying - you are so right in your view. And pleased that you have found someone else to look after your son.

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