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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my MIL to be at the birth of my baby

119 replies

Reallytired · 11/01/2009 09:56

I am planning a homebirth which my in laws are strongly against.

Anyway my MIL is saying that she will not look after my seven year old son in their house. She wants to be present at the birth of her granchild. I have said "fine", and my own mother has promised that she will drive 50 miles and look after him. Admitally my poor mother will have no choice but to stay at our house. It would be unreasonable to expect a lady in her seventies to drive 100 miles in one day.

However I don't mind my mother being in our house when I give birth. She is a retired midwife and I think she will have the sense not to interfere. She has said that if the baby is born during the day that she will take my son out to the cinema or swimming. If the baby is born at night she will sleep in the spare room while my son is in bed.

My MIL is mortally offended that I do not want her in my house while I give birth, but I am prepared to have my own mother. Am I unreasonable not to treat them equally?

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 11/01/2009 17:22

Oh my god you are so NOT being unreasonable. I can't imagine anything worse than having my MIL at a birth.

Kimi · 11/01/2009 17:26

YANBU

Kimi · 11/01/2009 17:26

YANBU

HOLLY2310 · 11/01/2009 17:26

No you are definately not being unreasonable. Its not a competition as to who's there and who isn't, she should thinking of ways to help you not stress you! Either your DH tells her or you tell your MIL no way and you will call her after the baby's born, when you are ready for visitors!

alphabetsoup · 11/01/2009 17:53

Someone else mentioned a doula. Could you afford one, perhaps have her meet your son before the birth, then call her when labour starts. She could then help with whatever was required for a week or two afterwards. Then you could totally relax and not worry that you or your son were unsupported.

ilovelovemydog · 11/01/2009 17:58

Your mil is being alpha female -- and somewhat territorial. She wants to be at the birth?

No, sorry. mils should be grateful to see the baby in the first week...

teabagtea · 11/01/2009 18:03

YANBU at all. Go for it, go for your homebirth. This is about you, not her. You, after all asked her first to have your dc, she would not do as you asked. So you resolved the problem in your own way. She has no right to feel annoyed. Get your husband to deal with this one, don't do it yourself. That way, she can't argue.

cory · 11/01/2009 18:03

I do think the moment of giving birth is the one time when you shouldn' have to think about whether you are being fair to different sets of people. Any other time, yes- but this really is when you need to be comfortable.

In fact, when I came home from hospital with dd I had specified that my Mum could stay in the house but that if my Dad, brother and ILs wanted to see the new baby, they would have to stay in a B&B. Everybody was fine with this. (didn't quite work out in practice as my poor FIL had a heart attack in our front room, so MIL ended up staying with us for weeks while he was in hospital- but she was most apologetic and really hadn't meant that to happen).

ilovemyghds · 11/01/2009 18:04

YANBU!!!

prettybutterfly · 11/01/2009 18:05

yanbu, not at all, not under any circumstnces I can imagine would I tell you that you're being unreasonable about who comes to the birth of your baby!

You have who you want. End of story.

MIL can poke it!

stuffitllama · 11/01/2009 18:08

no no no no no no no

my mil came to look after the dog when I was in labour and I actually had to leave the house to go to hospital to get away from her because instead of picking the sodding animal up she stayed and had a cup of tea and chatted with her husband and MY husband in the living room

I had to stop the breathing and all that stuff to make her the cup of tea

then I had to hide in the bedroom on my own panting and furious

it ruined things utterly, utterly, utterly

i was in hospital too early feeling stressed and mucky as I'd wanted a bath but couldn't have one, I ended up having masses of intervention and a c-section

my dh was better trained the next two times I can tell you

and she was never told again when I was in labour

I agree with "she is insane" "mad bint" "tell her to get lost"
ibid ibid ibid

tell her no and get a grip on the relationship right now and maybe she will back off when your baby arrives

best wishes for the birth x

stuffitllama · 11/01/2009 18:09

god that was long sorry
it made me mad all over again
see how it will affect you?

Klaw · 11/01/2009 18:09

She is strongly against you planning a homebirth yet demands to be there?

NO WAY Jose! No negativity required at YOUR birth, so no, YANBU

prettybutterfly · 11/01/2009 18:17

She's right! MIL's hardly going to be your most staunch supporter is she?

Northernlurker · 11/01/2009 18:17

If I had to have one of them there then my mil would probably be more use than my mum tbh - but I haven't wanted either of them in the same county let alone the same house on any birthing occasion! YANBU. In fact you've been very restrained - why on earth wouldn't she have your son over at her house?

MillyR · 11/01/2009 18:19

stuffitllama, lol. That was the absolute trump card in the annoying MIL stakes. I will be retelling your story to anyone who moans about their MIL from now on.

TsarChasm · 11/01/2009 18:23

Good lord NO yanbu! I am fainting at the thought of my mil at the birth of dc .

MrsArchieTheInventor · 11/01/2009 18:30

There is a big difference to your mother being present at the birth and your mother in law being present.

Your mother has seen you in all your glory, warts and all, has a fair idea of how you'll cope and will probably know when to bugger off into the next room. Added to that, she also probably won't be offended if you use profanities that would make Frankie Boyle blush!

Your mother in law is completely different, unless you already have that kind of relationship with her, which since you're the one who is doing her job (i.e. looking after her son) is unlikely, though admittedly not impossible.

My own mother was present at the birth of my son and it was a wonderful day for all involved. She even touched DS's head as he was crowning! I can't imagine DP's mother doing the same or getting a good look at what's going on down there or even wanting to for that matter. It's your right to say no and you're not being unreasonable. Stick to your guns. And good luck with the birth!

noonki · 11/01/2009 18:45

I would get your DH to say to her that you are dont want anyone around at the birth, that your mum is only going to be doing childcare and then question her sanity...

I can't believe she thinks she has the right ask her if her MIL was present when Dh was born....may help her remember why you don't want her there

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 11/01/2009 18:49

no, it's understandable. But I think it would be good for your future relationship to remember that you are looking at this from the pov of your own mother v the mil, whereas she is looking at it from the pov of grandmother v grandmother!

You want your mummy while she is seeing one grandparent being of higher status than the other.

stillenacht · 11/01/2009 19:47

surely the mil must be able to realise Hecate that she wants her mum. I am a mum of 2 boys and there is NO WAY in future i would want to be at the birth of a grandchild - the woman at the centre of the birth is totally entitled to want her mum there - the dh isn't - he's not the one doing the work after all.

God MIL's piss me right off sometimes.

tell you DH to read this thread. He should be standing up to her for you.

stillenacht · 11/01/2009 19:50

I think the mothers of the mums are generally higher pecking order than mums of dhs. My mother has often said this about my MIL when i moan about PIL lack of interest in grandchildren - mum says wait until SIL (DH sister) has a baby and then you will see their interest. Mum thinks its only natural to be more interested in daughters children (but then again my mum has had no sons)

bumpybecky · 11/01/2009 21:42

Anyway YANBU, most definately not. MIL is clearly an absolute loon! Do not feel guilty for refusing MIL's request.

I've had my last 3 dc at home (in water) also attempted a homebirth with #1 but had to transfer. Just to buck the trend, I'd have preferred MIL to be there than my Mum! In fact my Mum was here when #4 was born, but by accident - we definately did not plan it. Mum was only in the house 20 hours, she was on a flying visit and lives 4 hours away. She arrived an hour after my waters broke, ds arrived 10 hours after that!

My dd1 (then 2) slept through dd2's arrival dd1 & dd2 went out for sleepover when dd3 was born, not planned but when their Aunt offered (she didn't know about labour!) it seemed silly to refuse. All 3 dds slept through ds arriving. Mum didn't though! it wasn't exactly the birth I'd planned....

loobylu3 · 11/01/2009 22:02

Your MIL is being totally unreasonable! Giving birth is a very private thing not a spectator sport! You must do what you feel most comfortable with.
Good luck!

fruitstick · 11/01/2009 22:15

Do you really feel that there is noone else who could look after DS? Maybe a school friend could have him for a sleepover or something.

If you would rather not have your mum there but need the childcare - I would try and find some alternatives, maybe using your mum as a last resort.