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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect an apology from the mother of the child that bit my baby

106 replies

toreen · 08/01/2009 13:57

My 9 month old ds was in the creche at the local Sure Start centre this morning and was bitten on the cheek by another child (aged 2). The child bit him so hard that she broke the skin and you can still see the teeth marks 3 hours later. I was very shocked and upset, as you can imagine.

Am I being unreasonable to think the child's mother should have apologised for her child's behaviour?

OP posts:
Original poster
toreen · 10/01/2009 13:33

But kittywise, I am not blaming the mother at all for the biting incident and I respect her for attending the parenting course that I am also attending. I do not blame the child either and I did not demand an apology.

I wasn't angry with either the mother or child involved and, tbh, I am annoyed that people on here don't read the thread and then accuse me of being angry or ranting.

FWIW - the only child my dd has bitten was her brother and she knew straight away she shouldn't have done it (she was 3 at the time) so I can not claim to have any real experience as the mother of a biter - I was merely agreeing that it is impossible to watch children all the time.

I do think the creche staff could have done more to keep the toddlers and babies separate - there were 5 staff and only 10 children in the creche - and that is the point I was trying to make about next week.

OP posts:
electra · 10/01/2009 13:36

If I was this mother I would definitely have apologised, of course.

Clarissimo · 10/01/2009 13:42

' but your 2 year old just kicked my baby, I didn't want to discipline him but I'm sure you do.'

barring some srreuctured stuff (eg reading books about kindness or not hurting etc) disciplining a 2 year old that long after the event is pointless, it really is. Dealing with behaviour can be proactive and done at any time, but discipline needs to be immediate and crucially understood to be effective.

i think a lot of people are crediting a two year old with an awful lot of ability and cunning!

Diva0507 · 10/01/2009 13:45

well, my daughter pushed into book case at nursery and had serious black eye and cheek for weeks probably it was 3-4 weeks. it was so bad, never told who pushed her or any apology, only nursery key worked said they were sorry. i was ok, but dh was not very happy. it was so close to her eye, dh was actually fuming. i was upset but i expect accidents, it must be hard work being nursery staff.

LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 13:51

I think yabu. I don't think the mother is obliged to OUT herself to you and risk judgment, awkwardness and anger.

A two year old is not the BAD guy, he is just 2. He'll learn that you can't bite. It's not really so awful. Part of life, part of having a young child who mixes with other young children.

The nursery should keep a closer eye perhaps.

LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 13:53

I agree, that there's no point trying to discipline a two year old hours after an event. I wouldn't do it, just to be seen to be doing it.

Dare I say it, 18 months down the line, you'll see this slightly differently.

OHBollox · 10/01/2009 13:53

" but your 2 year old just kicked my baby, I didn't want to discipline him but I'm sure you do.'

barring some srreuctured stuff (eg reading books about kindness or not hurting etc) disciplining a 2 year old that long after the event is pointless, it really is. Dealing with behaviour can be proactive and done at any time, but discipline needs to be immediate and crucially understood to be effective.

i think a lot of people are crediting a two year old with an awful lot of ability and cunning!"

Actually no, it's more about you as a parent being seen to be doing something so other people don't think you're a twat and avoid you and your children.

Original poster
toreen · 10/01/2009 14:01

But where have I said that I was expecting the child to be disciplined?

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 10/01/2009 14:21

Perhaps the mum was embarrased? I know i would have been mortified.

I agree with one lie in, why were young babies being looked after with toddlers? Seems a bit of a lax set up to me.

I would have apologised if it were my child, but im pretty brazen but if the mum was shy or just upset perhaps thats why.

I hope your poor wee mite feels better - he has probably forgotten about it already.

pushkar · 10/01/2009 15:18

well some kids do bite not their own fault they are growing like any other baby i would give it a miss
you would have to be vigilant with your own child that's how it works in all public places

is this yr fist child?

Clarissimo · 10/01/2009 18:18

I think twat was very ahrsh- esp. as I have been in that position and always do something, usually making 'sorry' cards as I find that more constructive as it gives me a chance to talk to the kids whilst making a solid form of aopology that both child and parent can understand.

I think you may have my parenting very, very wrong indeed!

Toreen nobody thinks you did say about disciplining but the convo's here take on their own life.

OHBollox · 10/01/2009 18:48

I didn't necessarily mean you in particular, just generally, I expect to see parents apologising and telling their child not to do it again, not beating them with a birch.
An apology is a quite reasonable and normal thing to do in that situation and anyone who didn't do that at the very least would be getting the evil eye from me, no doubt they wouldn't care but short of slashing their tyres not much more I can do.

OHBollox · 10/01/2009 18:51

As for a card, well if you are seeing the person every day fair enough but if it's a weekly toddlers group, without apologising on the spot you might never see that child/mother again because of the incident and they might tell everyone they met in future that you didn't make your child say sorry and people will form opinions of you based on that. Fine if you live in a big city but around here that would be a big mistake.

hazeyjane · 10/01/2009 19:32

I think that some of the posters have got confused between Toreens post (which is after all what the thread is about!), and the incident I mentioned in my post, where my dd was kicked by a 2 yr old, and the mother didn't say anything, even though she saw.(BTW Ohbollux, if it happened now, I would definately say something, but I had just moved to the area that week, and was a bit nervous!)

I find it wierd though that so many people seem to think that just because something is normal toddler behaviour, it means that we can just ignore it and carry on. Getting under peoples feet in the supermarket, screaming in cafes where people are trying to have a quiet cup of coffee, drawing on sofa's (ok maybe thats just my dd!) are all normal toddler behaviour, but I still tell my dd that she shouldn't do those thing, and apologise to any adults present, I thought that was just good manners ( and therefore an important lesson to teach your child)

madwomanintheattic · 10/01/2009 20:15

yes, but you don't have to have manners to be a parent. probably most of the people here would do exactly the same, but we all know instances where it wouldn't happen. the kicking thing is slightly different - the mother chose not to act for whatever reason, and i would probably have explained to the two year old straight away that it was unacceptable as he would hurt the baby. i would probably also have moved my child to a safer distance lol if the mother wasn't interested. i'm aware that makes me an interfering old bag and probably the next 'aibu to want to slap the woman who told my 2yo off today', but hey ho. the biting thing was completely different and i still don't believe the mother should have apologised. she had done her best to let the staff know the situation and they accepted responsibility. so i still think the OP is being unreasonable to want an apology from the child's mother. in this instance the biting was not 'usual toddler behaviour'.

paolosgirl · 10/01/2009 21:43

What the mother could/should have done if she was 'scared' of being outed is to have asked the nursery staff to pass on her apologies.

She could have remained anonymous (if that was so important to her) whilst still acknowledging her regret that her child bit another child and that other child was hurt.

Is this really so difficult??!

Fillyjonk · 11/01/2009 07:32

fwiw when I am out having a quiet cup of coffee sans dc, I HATE it when other adults apologise for normal toddler behaviour.

I always think, god are they looking at me and thinking I am so up my own arse as to mind a 3 year old screeching in, fgs starbucks. Or prattish enough to think that the world should stop while I drink my coffee?

Clarissimo · 11/01/2009 10:08

Ah but maybe they know how much Filly likes her coffee? (hello, haven't seen you isn aaaaages- lots of oldies back, tis great to see so many faces I know)

paolosgirl · 11/01/2009 10:12

Totally different when your child hurts another child though. Then it's only manners to acknowledge that, say that as the parent with responsibility for my child I'm sorry it happened and is your child OK.

I don't think they are thinking you are up your own arse at all. They are simply apologising in case it's disturbing your coffee. Again, manners, and there sometimes aren't many of them about.

Fillyjonk · 11/01/2009 10:13

WHY are you clarissimo?

BTW have now found decent coffee on a campsite (little campsite nr abergavenny)

Clarissimo · 11/01/2009 10:19

OOOOh do tell Filly, keep trying to drag DH out that way anyway (and have developed a major addiction- dh has had to give up coffee so my tastes are refining and am getting a decent coffee maker for Mothers Day)

The clarissimo thing came up after I threw an unattractive strop in the whole moldies debacle and wanted to disappear, however I found I can't and ended up just telling everyone 'I was peachy btw' so think I may give it up soon. Has been interesting masquerading as a newbie at times though- to see what it is like (not half as unwelcoming as they make out).

Anyway- how are things? the little one?

Cloudhopper · 11/01/2009 10:20

My dd was bitten on the face by another child on her very first day at nursery. It was really distressing, but it never occurred to me to blame the child or the mother.

The two children were in the nursery's hands at the time - and to be honest even if you watch them like a hawk something can slip through.

I think it is just so upsetting when your dd has a large visible bite mark on the face that you tend to feel very emotional about the whole thing. HOwever, I am convinced there is little any of the carers or parents could do to prevent it.

Fillyjonk · 11/01/2009 10:38

oh but she is not little

she is huge. She is nearly a year old and just huge really.

how is life with 4?

am sorry for prattish website but here is a link to the campsite

am hoping it is still there

Clarissimo · 11/01/2009 10:41

Life with 4 is fab, ds4 is now 9 months and standing unsuppotted occasionally, and has defied HV's by doing fine (apaprently I should have stopped BF ing as I cant have milk so can't make it PMSL).

Hasn't time flown?

Will look at site, ta

AprilMeadow · 11/01/2009 10:45

YABU - it wasnt the parents fault they werent there to stop the situation from happening. When you leave your children in either a creche or nursery you are handing over responsibility to the staff there. My ds was a biter whilst teething and has also been bitten quite badly on a number of occasions. I have always known who has bitten him because he has told me, i would never make the parents apologise to me as they didnt force their child to bite. However, if we were out and about and i was with him when he bit someone then i would apologise because i should have stopped the situation arising. All you can do is explain that biting is wrong and hope that they wont do it again.

You have to remember that they are only children and they are learning what they can and cant do. I know it is horrible for your child to be on the receiving end but just bear in mind that in a few months it could be your ds doing the biting and your views might well change.