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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect an apology from the mother of the child that bit my baby

106 replies

toreen · 08/01/2009 13:57

My 9 month old ds was in the creche at the local Sure Start centre this morning and was bitten on the cheek by another child (aged 2). The child bit him so hard that she broke the skin and you can still see the teeth marks 3 hours later. I was very shocked and upset, as you can imagine.

Am I being unreasonable to think the child's mother should have apologised for her child's behaviour?

OP posts:
saintmaybe · 09/01/2009 10:48

Why would you expect an apology from the mother?

She didn't bite your baby and she wasn't there when the child did.

Do you think she's to blame in some way?

Hope your baby's ok now.

sunnygirl1412 · 09/01/2009 11:11

I don't think it's a matter of blame, I think it's more a matter of the mum acknowledging that the OP's baby had been hurt by her child, and showing some concern. If it were me, I'd have sought out the mum, if I knew who they were, and apologised - because I would feel it was good manners, and because it would hopefully prevent any bad feeling between me and the other mother.

Original poster
toreen · 09/01/2009 13:31

Jute - I know for a fact who bit my ds - the staff (probably unprofessionally) made it perfectly obvious and I saw the mother being told that her daughter had bitten another child as I was filling in the accident report form.

I am not being judgmental of the mother over the biting incident. I am attending the same parenting course as she is, for gawds sake, so I am by no means a perfect parent myself.

Also, the little girl did not have a 1:1 carer yesterday. I know it is not her fault, or her mother's fault, but given we know each other through the course I would have expected some acknowledgement of what had happened.

OP posts:
dilemma456 · 09/01/2009 13:38

Message withdrawn

Katiestar · 09/01/2009 13:46

As others have ben said it wpould be nice forthe other mother (assuming it was who you think it is)to show some concern, but I wouldn't reall expect an apology -it is not her fault she didn't bite your baby.
There isn't much the creche can do either because a bite happens so quickly.I do think they were extremely unprofessional to talk to you about the other child needing one to one care.

Bubbaluv · 09/01/2009 13:50

Toreen you say the mother was told that her child bit another child. Are you sure she was told which child? If not, then she can't apologise.
On the other hand, if I were her I would ask the staff to apologise on my behalf.

lulu41 · 09/01/2009 13:54

Yes I think you are being unreasonable - you know toddlers bite scrath hit etc etc they grow out of it most times my son was biten in exactly the same way at nursery in fact he had the teeth mark on his cheek for about 3 months but I didnt once want an apology from the child's mother - kids are not always nice to each other and I know its distressing but there is also so much guilt involved in parenting already - she did not bite your child her child did she is not responsible for his actions as horrible as it may seem - get over it - sorry if this sounds harsh but its life especially at nursery both my two dcs been through the nursery system so I do have some experience on this.

herbietea · 09/01/2009 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bubbaluv · 09/01/2009 14:11

That was my point Herbie. And if they did what they were supposed to do then you can't hold it against th emother for not aplogising - she shouldn't have known who to apologise to.

ScottishMummy · 09/01/2009 14:13

i understand your anxiety,however you cannot demonise the other child or expect apology.in fact then it does personalise it,with 2 identified mums and children

usually staff wont disclose name of biter.it can be too provocative.the mum of other child probably will be told her child did bite but not who

hope you both get over this.heartbreaking when your child is bitten,makes you ache

jute · 09/01/2009 15:16

Of course the child didn't have a 1:1 carer yesterday-that cots money - my point is that if the staff are saying that she needs one then it would suggest that her problems are beyond the norm. However poor the parenting a setting should be able to cope with a typically developing child without need for a 1:1.

SS/HV's etc love to send people on parenting courses, when what is actually needed is a proper developmental assessment by a paediatrician.

Clarissimo · 09/01/2009 19:37

Not only should the setting be able to cope with any child they have acceted, they should also be able to deal with biting from any child because as well as being a probem associated with poor behaviour (both through develomental issues and poor aprenting, although with Jute on the 1-1 bieng a sign of far more) it is an issue associated with perfectly NT children. Some do it, some do not.

If you are concerned, raise the issue with the creche. You may find (or not) that the child is in the creche for good reason- the one I was associated with would take children for observational stuff, either SS or Dev. Paed- also when a family is struggling.... in which case in all fairness your feelings are probably not mum's top priority. DS1 wasnt a biter but he is a child with SN and aggression issues and I know that whilst I do encourage apologising etc, it usually takes a day or two and my immediate feeling is more akin to panic, or fear (because I have been subject to verbal abuse and threatening behaviour before). Maybe give Mum some time?

DS3 was a biter btw and I remember pulling him out of nursery after they isolated him at 15 months and shouted at him for one incident. 2 is still a very, very tiny child in reality. I'd be inclined to put it down to exeprience.

hazeyjane · 09/01/2009 19:46

Toreen, I don't think you are being unreasonable, i know the sort of Surestart courses you mean, and understand, how you would know which child it was. Obviously it's not the mothers fault, and it's not the child's either, it is a phase, like any other, but IMO if a child hits/bites/kicks etc another child, the mum of that child, should apologise to the other mum, and tell their child that it is wrong to do any of the above.

When dd2 was 9 months old, she was kicked in the head by a 2 year old at playgroup, right in front of me, the mother looked over saw it happen and carried on her conversation!

OHBollox · 09/01/2009 19:47

No you're not unreasonable at all, that is appalling.

OHBollox · 09/01/2009 19:51

Now Hazel in that situation I would have gone over to the other mother and said to her, oh not sure if you saw that but your 2 year old just kicked my baby, I didn't want to discipline him but I'm sure you do.
I think especially as they get older our children need to see that mum and dad will stick up for them until they are old enough to do so themselves, but I would have made her cringe and embarrased her.

Original poster
toreen · 09/01/2009 19:52

Thanks for all your messages. Let's hope the creche staff are a bit more on their toes next week!

OP posts:
kittywise · 09/01/2009 22:55

God lord Toreen, it doesn't matter how 'on their toes' the staff are. Think with a bit of sense here. A child can bite in the blink of an eye. There is no way that the staff can prevent a biter from biting, short of chaining the child to their legs!

You have a lot to learn about toddlers me thinks!

TotalChaos · 09/01/2009 23:07

I think the mother of the child may not even have put 2 and 2 together -she may well genuinely not have thought that you going out to calm your child was connected with being told a while later her kid had bitten someone - very young children in creches do sometimes need the parent to go back in to settle them.

I think the creche staff have been rather insensitive in discussing 1-1 etc issues in front of other parents.

paolosgirl · 09/01/2009 23:17

Of course she should have apologised! If she knew that it was your child that was bitten then she should have come over, expressed concern and said that she was sorry it had happened.

If she didn't know who it was then she should have passed on her apologies to you via the member of staff.

I speak as a mother of three (11, 9 and 21mths) and as a parent of both the biter and the bite-ee. When my child has bitten I have apologised, said that I hoped the child was alright and explained to my child that they should not bite. I wasn't angry at the staff, because these things happen - but I certainly didn't ignore the fact that they'd bitten and am that people would.

Original poster
toreen · 10/01/2009 08:12

Kittywise - no I don't have a lot to learn about toddlers - don't be so effing patronising. If you actually bothered to read the thread you would know that I have an older dd who has bitten my ds whilst at home with me. I know you can't watch what children all the time.

But when the creche staff are told by a child's parent that "they shouldn't take their eyes off her" (and I quote the mother directly here) because she is "aggressive" the staff should be more on their toes with regards to letting that particular child near babies.

OP posts:
kittywise · 10/01/2009 09:00

Toreen i take your point but think about it: You weren't able to prevent your dd biting and you only had 2 children to mind!!!
How would you expect the staff to deal with this when they have umpteen children?

It's not practical is it?

mummy2olivia · 10/01/2009 09:19

I hate to say this but my DD is a biter and on her first day at school (yes! school! she is 5!) she bit another girl on the face. DD was mortified and felt awful, saying that its because they were playing 'dogs'. I apologised to the Mum of the girl who was bitten BUT I can understand why somebody may not. You feel really embarrassed and guilty when its your child that does it. And at 2 the child is really not doing it to be malicious- they are just exploring boundaries. If the nursery dealt with it at the time, I think that is enough.

madwomanintheattic · 10/01/2009 09:26

and how utterly awful for a mother to have labelled her child as aggressive at two... if the child is genuinely going through anything other than a perfectly ordinary biting phase then the sure start co-ordinators should be suggesting she attends an sn parenting course.... unless that's what you are on lol, haven't read the entire thread.

if it were me, I'd have made a point of going to the mother and saying, 'it's ok, really, don't worry, it must be really difficult for you dealing with this'... parenting an NT two year old is hard enough, parenting an SN child is a mare. It probably took the mother months even to pluck up enough courage to go to the course in the first place, as she knew the staff would have trouble handling the kid. And the flaming staff would ahve been saying to her all the time 'it's ok, really, come along, we'll manage'. How awful to be terrified to go anywhere in case your child hurts anyone. At least she is trying to do the right thing by attending the courses for parenting tips.

TotalChaos · 10/01/2009 09:31

yes - try and cut the mother some slack - which doesn't even mean go out of your way to befriend her - but try and drop the anger - as something is clearly very amiss developmentally - imagine having to warn people about your 2 year old like that, and the mum is likely to be feeling like absolute shite about it.

kittywise · 10/01/2009 09:55

yes toreen as the mother of a biter yourself I'm surprised you have taken this stance.
I would have thought that it should have made you much more compassionate tbh