to expect an apology from the mother of the child that bit my baby

[toreen]

My 9 month old ds was in the creche at the local Sure Start centre this morning and was bitten on the cheek by another child (aged 2). The child bit him so hard that she broke the skin and you can still see the teeth marks 3 hours later. I was very shocked and upset, as you can imagine.

Am I being unreasonable to think the child's mother should have apologised for her child's behaviour?

In DS's first week of nursery (age 18 months) he was bitten on both cheeks by the same child on the same afternoon - I was furious - not so much with the boy but because the nursery had allowed it to happen twice!! I would have thought they would have watched that child more carefully!! He had matching bitemarks on both cheeks.

On the flipside, when he was about 2 and we were at toddler group, he went up and bit a baby of about a year old on the back. I was sitting chatting but had my eyes on him all the time and just could not get there in time when I saw what he was going to do!! The mother actually screamed at me in front of everyone - I felt almost as if I had bit the kid. I was mortified and never went back there again. I should think the mother in the OP probably felt the same.

DD (now 17) was a biter for a few weeks, and I was mortified! I was convinced she would be expelled from her nursery before she was 2.....

Reading all this I'm inclined to think there was no need for the mother to "apologise" because it was not her fault. It seems clear that some toddlers do this despite the best efforts of their parents. The creche maybe should apologise though for allowing it to happen!

If the mother saw her DC bite yours then yes YANBU to expect an apology.

However, IME that nurseries etc don't tell the bitee's parents who the biter was, so in those cases you obviously can't expect an apology!

It is quite a normal stage, and worse will happen (harsh but true, so wish it wasn't :-()

Just keep an eye on it if the skin is broken. There's a lot of bacteria on even the cleanest looking little fangs that could lead to an infection.

OH's mate ended up in hospital with a very nasty infection after he was bitten on the finger by a woman having an epileptic fit - he's a first aider btw and she'd swallowed her tongue - she wasn't on the rampage!

I'm not sure why the mum should have to apologise if she wasn't there when it happened? I'd be embarrassed if my 2 year old had bitten a baby (and cross with the nursery if they hadn't been supervising properly) but I wouldn't seek out the parents and apologise tbh.

It wasn't at a nursery - it was a creche run by the Sure Start centre while the mothers were attending a course. This is how the other child's mother knows it was mine that was bitten - I was called out of the course to calm down my child.

Also, why would I have a go at the mother - she didn't bite the baby

if it was my child who did this (and I'd be mortified and a bit hacked off with the creche workers tbh) I'd prob say something like 'omg I'm so sorry' but it wouldn't be an apology as such cos it wasn't my fault iyswim? and no point getting a 2 year old to apologise after the event either. I would say yabu to expect an actual apology over it but I know it must have been upsetting

what did the mother say or do? (curious now)

Did you take your baby to the hospital? ds was bitten and needed antibiotics as the bite went through the skin. Human's have alot of bacteria in their mouths so he may need antibiotics.

If its known out of basic manners I would expect and an apology even though it should have been kept confidential.

The first time I took DS to softplay totally stressed me as little boy bit my DS very hard on finder he took ages to calm (normally quite robust) The mother was no where to be seen. After fifteen minutes I asked someone and it turned out to be her friend she was very defnsive cos her friend was pg but just wouldnt accept they should have been watching the DC's

Sorry rant over reading your OP reminded me of that and it always ,makes my blood boil, put me off softplay for ages. now only go when it is quiet when older kids are at school

I would say that a 2 year-old should always be watched very carefully around a 9 month-old. Our nursery is divided into rooms depending on age and a 9 month old would not be in the same room as a 2 yea-old. I am both a mother of a biter and my children have been bitten. This is a completely normal phase. It has to be dealt with appropriately over time of course and the biters have to be watched. However, when my children have been bitten I have never been remotely interested to know who the culprit is. It doesn't matter. I trust the nursery to deal with it and putting my child in nursery these things happen.

I know these things happen - my older dd was bitten (on the hand) in her nursery and I didn't know who did it or expect an apology. However, I trusted that nursery and had no qualms about taking her back there.

I think this is different because the mother of the child in question is attending the same course as me so it is not like she doesn't know me and there were only about 10 children in the creche. As I said before, the staff did NOT name the child, but the child is well known to have problems.

I guess I expected an apology because the mother knew me.

I KNOW it was that child. The staff didn't name her, but it was clear who it was - they discussed the fact she needs a one-on-one carer in future in front of me. And I saw the staff informing the mother that her child had bitten another. And as I have said, there were only a few children in the creche and a few mothers on the course.

Also, the child's mother has said that the child has problems in the course we are attending and actually described her own child as "a monster". Whilst I think this is a little unfair on the child (she is only 2) - I am hoping it does not become a self-fulfilling prophesy - the mother is doing her best and trying to address their problems by attending courses in parenting.

"The staff didn't name her, but it was clear who it was - they discussed the fact she needs a one-on-one carer in future in front of me."

My son had a 1:1 carer at nursery and has never bitten another child in his life. TBH if she needs a 1:1 at 2 it is likely there is far more going on than parenting.

You sound horribly judgmental.

Mixing 2 year olds and 9 month olds in a nursery setting does cause problems though.

If she wasn't there (and couldn't dive across the room to prevent it) then I think it's reasonable that she didn't apologise. I think your problem is with the creche TBH.

Am confused

do you KNOW it was this child or are you jumping to conclusions because you know it was LIKELY to be this child?

Also, if it was in a nursery setting-well it ISN'T the mother's fault, is it?

Personally, yes I'd apologise, but I think, tbh, these things happen in nursery settings. Especially when you mix 9 mos and 2 yos (that is asking for trouble IMO)

Poor little DS, but an apology isn't much good to you or to him (it might be a good thing for the biter's parent to find within herself reserves of grace and courage to approach a deservedly angry parent of her child's victim, but improving her character isn't your job.)

My very mild and gentle DD did once bite another child at school (she was 4) - in those days things must have been different, as the school were quick to tell me whom she had bitten. I did apologise to the mother and felt utterly mortifed and terribly upset - a very great deal more upset than on the occasion when my own child got bitten - and this mother most likely does too, so don't feel too hard on her - it's a dreadful position to be in, I can vouch for that!

The words 'I'm sorry' won't really make you feel better about your poor little DS's shock and pain, will it? Don't tie yourself up in knots with feelings of resentment towards her and her lack of apology; the matters of concern here are a) why did it happen, a baby should not be in this vulnerable situation in a room with crazy toddlers (who are not quite 'human' yet IYSWIM) and b) that it should never happen again - the creche should alter their practices to ensure it doesn't.

Poor you and poor little DS. Hope he is OK now.

Agree with fairymum and mollymawk.

If it is just a creche, you cannot expect the standards of a nursery. I use nurseries extensively, but have only left my dd once in a creche. For one, in a creche, you get that mixture of ages that can be quite intimidating for a baby. Next time, use a babysitter if you can.

Whilst I would have apologised, in a knee-jerk low key way, the mother of the biter is not immediately responsible if she is not there. She should as a matter of courtesy acknowledge the incident (if it was in fact her dc that did it), but it is not strictly speaking her fault to warrant any apology.

You seem adamant that you know who the biter is by making assumptions. Plus you have questioned her parenting skills. If she gets that vibe off you, I can understand why she would not want to give you an opportunity to have a go at her (assuming her child did it).

She is having a hard time with her dc and attending parenting classes to remedy that. She should be given breathing space to sort this out, rather than have more judgment heaped on her.

I think what's being described as criticism of the lady's parenting skills is actually the OP answering the questions that have been put to her about how she knows it was that particular child. To me, her opening post didn't seem particularly judgemental of the woman's parenting skills.

And if child A gets bitten, and later childA's mum sees child B's mum being told child B bit someone, it's a reasonably fair assumption to make that child B bit child A.

Whilst those who have said that the mum concerned isn't directly responsible, because she wasn't supervising the child at the time, and that she is actively seeking help with her parenting, are right, I do also think that it would have been good manners for her to have approached the OP to ask if her baby was OK and to offer a low-key apology as blueshoes describes.

But she doesn't know it was that particular child.

And a 2 year old who needs 1:1 is very likely to have something else going on that parenting. Yes there are crappy parents out there, but children who are poorly parented do not in general need a 1:1. Children with other - non-parenting related problems - are the ones who need a 1:1. Unfortunately at 2 its not easy to get the help those kids need.

The mother may be going through sheer hell with worry and concern - sounds like she may be from her reported comments. If so I suspect apologising for something that happened when she wasn't even there isn't that high on her list of priorities.

Don't worry she probably went home and cried.

Jute - I know she doesn't know - but given the coincidence of her child being bitten and another mum being told her child had bitten someone, I can understand how she'd reach that conclusion.

And in fairness, the mum concerned will have known that the OP's child had been bitten, and will have been told that her child had bitten someone, and could have put 2 and 2 together to work out who her child had bitten, and then could have gone to ask the OP if her child was OK.

I have a lot of experience of children with developmental delays/issues (and I maintain that if creche staff say a 2 year old needs 1:1 there is more than poor parenting going on). 2 is a bloody awful age, no diagnosis, no understanding of what's going on, surrounded by people with no idea & assumptions made about your parenting on all sides. Every mother I have come across in that situation struggles to get through the day, they do not have the energy to start apologising for stuff that happened when they weren't even there.

Given the 'needs 1:1' comments I would cut the mother a rather enormous amount of slack.

ds1 (now 9 - severely autistic) btw was recently blamed (incorrectly) for breaking a window. I was really cross at the assumption it was him just because he happened to be in the same room as a broken window (and has previously windows). And I was mighty annoyed that we were put in the position of having to prove that it wasn't him (luckily the break was one it would have been impossible for him to make from where he was standing -so he was let off).

Those are all good points, jute, and you clearly have far more experience and knowledge in this area than I do - I was trying to put myself into the OP's shoes and can understand why she was upset by what happened and why she would have felt better if the other mum had acknowledged what happened, but I can see what you are saying about the other mum too.