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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cry over DH?

149 replies

Pignata · 01/01/2009 23:02

DH has just told me that I ruined New Years Eve because I kept going to toilet and leaving him with "the others". By "the others" he means my family.

I have IBS and my stomach has really been playing up over christmas. Yesterday it was really painful. I decided not to drink incase it made it worse (it would have done) and DH said I was being a miserable cow and trying to spoil the party.

Today it has been worse. Everytime I go to toilet DH shouts after me "here she goes again, shitty arse" he made me cry earlier. Anyone else's DH would be supportive and maybe even sympathetic and I feel so angry that he treats me like this when I'm unwell.

Well I've just been to toilet and DH shouted up the stairs to stop showing off and seeking attention. This he said in front of 3 of our friends and they all started laughing. I've not been downstairs since. Great start to the new year.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 02/01/2009 11:32

Pignata I've read your other post where you are complaining that your 9 yo DS is ungrateful for his presents, maybe he sees how your H speaks to you and think it's ok to do this?

(obviously I'm not saying he's anything like his Dad but as the last poster said, children pick up on things)

Flihgtattendant · 02/01/2009 11:33

TLES

I think men like this often start off very charming, then once they have you believing you are special, they start sneaking in the nastiness in a subtle way so you can't pull them up on it. It gets worse and worse.

The fact you've posted this in AIBU Pignata, shows how much he has made you feel it might be your fault.

Please ring WA and ask their advice, They are brilliant. There might also be local womens services that can offer you counselling, legal and practical help too. I had couselling from the local refuge though I didn't actually stay there. They set me up with a solicitor and so on as well.

TLESinChristmasStockings · 02/01/2009 11:43

Flihgt, I put up with it because i truly believed i was worth no more, he always told me if i left him i would never find anyone else, i was fat, he even told me ..."is it any wonder i prefer to W* than have sex with you? You are so fucking fat it is unbelievable" I was 8 month pregnant at the time. He was not only verbally and mentally abusive but violent and emotionally.

I am sorry to say that there were a few factors which made me leave him 1 obviously being my ds1, the fact that ds1 was becoming nasty to me, and i know i will be flamed for this bit, and the fact that a man i knew started paying attention to me buying me gifts etc small things i could hide as he knew i was in a relationship, and when my confidence built up a bit i got rid of ex prick sadly i found out the man was married but i couldn't stop seeing him....I did after a few months but i was "in Love" with him by then although now i realise it wasn't love as much as need iyswim?

Bicnod · 02/01/2009 11:49

TLES - you sound like me a few years ago. I didn't have any children with this guy though so in the end I think it was easier for me to leave... but it still took a LONG time. He completely decimated my self-confidence and even now, 8 years on and married to my lovely DH and expecting first baby, the shit will creep back into my brain sometimes and tell me I'm ugly, fat, worthless, everything is my fault, I bring it all on myself etc etc. He was a complete charmer when we got together, then the verbal started, and finally the physical... when I think about what I put up with I really can't believe it was me - it's like looking at someone else's life.

Pignata - please find the strength to talk through your options with someone in real life... you CAN change your life, you don't have to live with this...

whoingodsnameami · 02/01/2009 11:51

Pignata, reading your posts was exactly like listening to mum descibe my dad years ago, it will get worse, please get out, and make the new year the beginning of the rest of your life....please.

Squirdle · 02/01/2009 12:19

Oh sweetheart, I haven't read all of the posts just a few, but this is awful! Awfuk that you have IBS and awful that your husband can't be supportive!

I have IBS and last NY was really suffering with it. We were at a friends house and I felt awful and embarrassed that I had to keep nipping off to the loo. I also felt dreadful that I really was obviously not enjoying the evening. But DH was supportive and asked if we should go home. I managed to stick it out (mainly becuase it is DH's birthday on NYD and I didn't want to spoil it for him) I don't think DH truly understands how excrutiatingly painful IBS is but he does try to understand. I have told him that at worst it is like constant labour contractions (not that he'd know what they are but he has seen me in labour )

I agree that you should print off some info about IBS and present it to your DH and also sit down with him and tell him straight that you do not want to be ridiculed by him at any point. A joke is a joke but this is too far!

I know you have probably tried everything to relieve the IBs but I find peppermint tea and a hot water bottle helps. I hope you feel better soon.

Niecie · 02/01/2009 12:19

Pignata, how is your arm? It sounds really painful.

Did he do this to you too?

If he did then you really do need to get rid of him asap.

Squirdle · 02/01/2009 12:19

Oh and also my IBS is worse when I am stressed. Your DH might neeed to be told this.

NAB3lovelychildren · 02/01/2009 12:24

I am so sorry and sad that you and your children have put up with this.

You know what you have to do but it seems like you might not be bale to do it alone. Have you friends or family to support you?

mrsjammilovessantababy · 02/01/2009 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bathsheba · 02/01/2009 13:01

I've been thinking about this all morning and I have a few thoughts...

Do you have medically diagnosed IBS or is it a label you have attributed to the fact that you suffer badly with "bowel issues" when under stress - I think if you have had it formally diagnosed that it carries a bit more weight. Remember for a lot of people IBS falls into the "modern ailment that every single person seems to have that no-one had 20 years ago" catagory (like ME and ADHD) which can mean that a lot of people doubt the reality of it.

Does he only behave like this when he has an audience?

Does he get on with your family? My DH can take an innordinate time in the loo and I don't feel comfortable with his family, so on occassion I have felt very very resentful that he has disappeared for half an hour leaving me trying hard to make conversation just because he needs to go to the loo. Same with the friends - did he feel uncomfortable being left with these friends while you kept disappearing and he was left to entertain them?

He is behaving like an idiot, and clearly there are a lot of respect issues in your family - I read from another post that your DS has behaved badly regarding his Christmas Presents - but it may be that he simply doesn't take your IBS seriously and was made to feel very uncomfortable by your trips to the loo.

What have you done to your arm? Is that going to curtail you? Does he get sympathy when he is unwell? maybe he feels that when he is unwell he has to just jolly well get on with it (under pressure from work, or "not being allowed to lie down to man-flu") so he feels that you should be the same?

NAB3lovelychildren · 02/01/2009 13:05

Maybe the "friends" are laughing because they feel bullied by him too?

sandcastles · 02/01/2009 13:08

Well stress can set of my IBS, so tell your dh it is his fault for making your feel stressed!

Helsbels4 · 02/01/2009 13:31

You poor thing. His behaviour is inexcusable. Had his attitude to you at the parties been one-offs then you could say he was tired or stressed or whatever but there seems to be quite a pattern to his comments and he seems to enjoy making you feel uncomfortable. Only you know if you love him or if he is a gem in other areas of your life but I do think that you really need to think long and hard about your relationship and what he brings to it. He sounds very insecure but he can't be allowed to continue with his abuse of you. If you think that he truly is a bully then I think things will just get worse and worse and will begin to rub off onto your children. I'm sure you don't want that to happen. You need to talk to someone in rl and get a proper perspective on everything. Hope you're ok and your arm isn't too bad.

JumpingDizzy · 02/01/2009 13:35

Hopefully Pignata isn't around because she's kicking the twat out.

oggsfrog · 02/01/2009 13:41

Goodness. Poor you. IBS, anaemia and now a dislocated arm.
You are having a hard time of it at the moment aren't you?
How are your stomach pains and diarrhoea today?

ilove · 02/01/2009 13:45

How did you dislocate your arm?

catsmother · 02/01/2009 14:10

I agree with everyone else who's describing this as abuse - because it is ..... it isn't a few "harmless" poo jokes, it's systematic belittlement, humiliation (about an extremely intimate and embarrassing condition) and it's not "just" about the IBS either, but it seems any opportunity to put you down is too good to miss.

He must be a very inadeqauate pathetic little "man".

FWIW, I have suffered with IBS for 25 years and personally, it's exacerbated terribly by stress. The pain is akin to childbirth contractions (in fact my 1st birth was a doddle compared to some IBS attacks) and the humiliation/inconvenience/impracticality of spending up to 3 hours at a time on the loo wreaks havoc with your social and working life. I have been diagnosed, but even if Pignata hadn't yet been formally diagnosed (though I think she did mention seeing a doctor) that is no excuse for her husband to be so utterly vile to her ...... the fact she was in pain is reason enough for a bit of sympathy and tact. Anyone into attention seeking would surely think of a less embarrassing method of getting it after all !

My partner would never dream of humiliating me like this when I get IBS. He always asks if there's anything he can do, even though after years of this, he knows there's nothing he can do. I have lost count of the numerous times he's been left stood outside strange loos, sometimes literally for an hour or even longer, which is obviously no fun and though I always say sorry (because I am such a polite person ) he always says "don't be silly".

But this is about far more than any stupid objections to IBS. This is about him, and how he views his wife - which, on the basis of the evidence offered, seems to be as scum.

You surely can't continue to live like this ...... it must be very frightening, as well as upsetting. If he's that nasty I'd be wondering how far he'd go to put you down.

Sunflower100 · 02/01/2009 14:19

Pignata just to add to all the comments made by others. He really does sound bulying and you really do deserve better, you know. Its quite possible that his behaviour is making your IBS worse.
Be strong and think hard about whether this is the best thing for you and your dcs.
Oh and i love the idea of stivking laxatives in his food!!

Original poster
Pignata · 02/01/2009 17:28

I rolled on my arm and it came out of the socket. It really hurts, it was unbearable when I first did it and all he said was "oh fo fucks sake, here we go again"

I've not been able to speak to him much today but he's still calling me shitty arse (in front of DS too) and keeps saying to DS "whats that smell? oh its your mum" and he tries to make out that he's "playing" with DS and I'm trying to spoil their fun.

I really am considering the laxatives in his food (genuinly) but it would be obvious to him that I'd done that, I'm trying to decide if it will be worth it (I'm thinking it will).

I got a bit of stomach pain earlier on but its not been as bad today.

I have to sign off now but I will be on for longer later tonight.

Thanks for the support x

OP posts:
NAB3lovelychildren · 02/01/2009 17:32

Please leave this man.

He is ruining your son.

Reallytired · 02/01/2009 17:39

Don't do the laxatives, it won't help in a divorce settlement behaving as badly as him. I can understand how tempting it must be though.

Is there anywhere where you can stay and get away from him. Neither you nor your son deserve this. I really don't have a clue how you go about getting a legal seperation. I think the Being Unreasonable board is an inappriopate place for you to post as there is no way that you are being unreasonable. Prehaps if you posted on the Relationships board you would get better practical advice on the legalities of seperation and making sure you keep the house.

There are good men in the world and you deserve better. I am sorry you have had such an awful time and hope that 2009 is the begining of something better.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 02/01/2009 17:40

Oh my GOD. Please leave this man. Your DS will learn that this is the way to treat women and the cycle will repeat itself.

mamalovesmincepiesANDmojitos · 02/01/2009 17:50

oh you poor thing. i know it's a bit cheesy but really i'd like to give you a hug.

what an effing plonker. i know it's very easy to say 'leave him' because this is an internet forum but in reality there are many things to consider.

however i have huge alarm bells in my head. he is abusive and controlling. if not for you then for your dcs, try and plan your escape. you may be scared of leaving him but this is probably the worse you'll ever feel. if he was gone you'd feel better.

really, you have nothing to lose. if you leave you will have nobody putting you down all the time, and imagine how free you would feel!

you will look back someday and realise you are not stupid or sensitive. you will say 'what the f was i thinking???? what a horrible person!'.

i'm sorry to be blunt. be good to yourself, your dcs need a strong happy mum.

Lotster · 02/01/2009 18:00

Must agree with not doing the laxatives thing (as much as he deserves it), it could be the thing that escalates the so-far verbal abuse to something worse.

Sory to hear about your arm on top of everything else... I think you should start keeping a diary of things said, and how it makes you feel. That way you can refer back on it to re-assure yourself your not imagining any of it, and perhaps even use it as reference in future discussions with him, or any proceedings should you not be able to reconcile with him.

Best of luck hon.