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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cry over DH?

149 replies

Pignata · 01/01/2009 23:02

DH has just told me that I ruined New Years Eve because I kept going to toilet and leaving him with "the others". By "the others" he means my family.

I have IBS and my stomach has really been playing up over christmas. Yesterday it was really painful. I decided not to drink incase it made it worse (it would have done) and DH said I was being a miserable cow and trying to spoil the party.

Today it has been worse. Everytime I go to toilet DH shouts after me "here she goes again, shitty arse" he made me cry earlier. Anyone else's DH would be supportive and maybe even sympathetic and I feel so angry that he treats me like this when I'm unwell.

Well I've just been to toilet and DH shouted up the stairs to stop showing off and seeking attention. This he said in front of 3 of our friends and they all started laughing. I've not been downstairs since. Great start to the new year.

OP posts:
mrsleroyjethrogibbs · 02/01/2009 10:10

OMG poor you. I would tell him where to go. No one treats me like that

naturalbornmum · 02/01/2009 10:14

YANBU - he sounds like another twunt.
Poor you - IBS sounds grim - take care of yourself. When you feel strong enough decide what to do about DH - he can't treat you like this.

NomDePlume · 02/01/2009 10:15

FFS, you are ill. Like yo really wanted to be stuck in the loo with a gripey tum all xmas and new year.

What a cock.

piscesmoon · 02/01/2009 10:16

This is abuse. If you want to stay with him I would make him sit down and have a proper talk and tell him that it has to stop-go to Relate if necessary. I wouldn't stay, you don't talk to someone you love in that way.

edam · 02/01/2009 10:20

Good grief. The man is an appalling bully. A VERY nasty piece of work.

Tell him it's Relate or divorce. Seriously.

kittywise · 02/01/2009 10:30

Oh dear this man really is very nasty.

He doesn't like you at all. Infact I would go so far as to say that he actively dislikes you.

from what you have described here it is time for him to go.

i really hope you find some peace and hopefully at some point a decent man.

ginnny · 02/01/2009 10:33

I'm not standing up for your H at all as he is being totally out of order, but it does sound like he's a very insecure person and his jibes at you are just to make himself look better. What was his childhood like and his relationship with his parents?
Some people just get into a habit of putting their DH/DW down to take the attention away from their own failings.
I agree with the others that you shouldn't have to put up with this, especially as you are ill.
Make your New Years Resolution that you won't put up with any more of this. Maybe point him in the direction of a counsellor.

electra · 02/01/2009 10:36

Leave him.

He is going to destroy you if you don't. Remember this is NOT your fault.

morningpaper · 02/01/2009 10:46

pignata I'm so sorry you are being put through this

He is a terrible bully

Do you have friends/family who can support you or who would help you to talk things through and find out what you want from life?

Quattrocento · 02/01/2009 10:55

Don't put up with this - seriously, don't. Agree with Edam and others that you should leave.

Original poster
Pignata · 02/01/2009 11:01

Thanks for the messages. I had to go to bed last night before I had chance to reply. DH came to bed last night and said "are you satisfied?" I said "what for?" and he said "spoiling yet another party".

I said "I can't help being ill" and he said I was putting it on and that I was trying to manipulate him.

I said "do you really feel so bad about yourself that you have to be so horrible to me to make yourself feel better?" and then it all got very nasty and I told him eventually that if he couldn't treat me better, he could leave.

I dislocated my arm this morning so I'm guessing he'll say I did that on purpose for attention.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 02/01/2009 11:01

I think that edam put it in a nutshell-there isn't anything more to add. He may have issues from his childhood but it is no excuse and it is his problem-not yours.

BCNS · 02/01/2009 11:02

grrr you have my utter sympathies!!

IBS is awful, painful and there is not a lot you can do about it.

I suppose he thinks disabled people are attention seekers too!.. what an idiot.
He is using you to be the centre of attention himslef, putting you down in front of others and bullying.
I wouldn't be suprised if he also tells you you ca't take a joke as well to belittle you further and draw attention away from his nastyness.

whatever the cause of his behaviour.. he is an adult and should know better..

I would lay it on the line to him.

morningpaper · 02/01/2009 11:02

oh no, how have you dislocated your arm? I hope you feel better soon. Make sure you get some horse tranquilisers or something from the GP to take the pain away

I hope you can find some real life support to help you with all this xx

MrsMagooo · 02/01/2009 11:04

Are you still in love with him? Do you want your marriage to work?

If your heart of hearts the answer is no then perhaps the time has come to tell him it's over.

He has no right to make you feel this way & he sounds like a real bully.

cocolepew · 02/01/2009 11:05

Poor you! The stress of this will not be helping your IBS. I know I've been there, removing the stress from my life made a HUGE improvment to my health.

Good luck.

ThingOne · 02/01/2009 11:07

I think he sounds very unkind. Nobody should be treated this way. I hope you can find a solution.

ClarissimoUsedToBePeachy · 02/01/2009 11:10

Je's horriid ! Dh ahs severe IBS like yourself and I wouldn't dream of being cruel about it to him, goodness knows it is hard enough for him as it is!

You've had a proper dx right? BIL ws dx'd IBS fro yars until it turned out he had missed ulcerative Colitis and will need an ileostomy at 30 because of interim damage.

cantpickyourfamily · 02/01/2009 11:12

he sounds nasty, bad enough for him to do that while you are alone but even worse around friends.

If it was me I would prob have to go downstairs to take the piss out of him...

ssd · 02/01/2009 11:13

pignata, please don't wait for him to leave, he'll stick with you forever as he knows he won't find anyone else willing to put up with his form of crap, he's ground you down for so long you accept being with him as the norm

is there anywhere you could go?

can you contact CAB?

please leave him, he is honestly a worthless piece of shit

Tortington · 02/01/2009 11:13

how horrid

Bicnod · 02/01/2009 11:17

Morning Pignata - do you have a plan of action for the coming days? Having broached the subject with him last night (and getting a shitty response) what's next? Sending huge hugs x x

Flihgtattendant · 02/01/2009 11:24

Somebody like this will not change fast, even if OP loves him. The point is that he is being utterly abusive and very very nasty.

I'm very glad Pignata that you have had the guts to realise what is happening. I think it is beyond the ultimatum stage, this man has to go or your life and that of your children will just be unbearable.

He is a bully and is trying to make other people collude with him in treating you abominably so that he can feel superior.

God knows why but some men do this.

If you want help leaving him we are here. It can be very frightening to realise you can't stay with the person you've built your life around but a lot of us have done the same and survived

you've nothing to be ashamed of but confronting him might not help matters and certainly won;t make him stop - so be cautious. Often emotional and mental abuse will escalate into violence if challenged so just be very careful - you don't have to tell him what you're thinking about him, you can build an inner wall that his attacks just bounce off for the time being because you know they'[re not justified.

Make your plans and have it all in place for when/if you decide to leave him.

Wishing you much strength and a much happier future xxx

TLESinChristmasStockings · 02/01/2009 11:27

Pignata

I have read this thread with the most sympathy for you!

DS1's father was abusive to me in the same way although for different reasons. I spent 4 years with him until, at the age of 22m my ds1 who had been taught by the arsehole to be abusive as well, turned round to me and said "fucking cook my dinner now you bitch"

That was the turning point for me. And I promptly got rid of the dickhead.

For the sake of your children as well as yourself get rid of him before he destroys you completely. I didn't and I even now 8 yrs on have issues with confidence and depression. Please do not let him wear you down the way I was and do not let him abuse your children this way!!!!

TLESinChristmasStockings · 02/01/2009 11:28

SSD I agree 1000000% with you my ex dickhead is still single as his relationships last just a few weeks, i put this down to the fact he is such an arse.