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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cry over DH?

149 replies

Pignata · 01/01/2009 23:02

DH has just told me that I ruined New Years Eve because I kept going to toilet and leaving him with "the others". By "the others" he means my family.

I have IBS and my stomach has really been playing up over christmas. Yesterday it was really painful. I decided not to drink incase it made it worse (it would have done) and DH said I was being a miserable cow and trying to spoil the party.

Today it has been worse. Everytime I go to toilet DH shouts after me "here she goes again, shitty arse" he made me cry earlier. Anyone else's DH would be supportive and maybe even sympathetic and I feel so angry that he treats me like this when I'm unwell.

Well I've just been to toilet and DH shouted up the stairs to stop showing off and seeking attention. This he said in front of 3 of our friends and they all started laughing. I've not been downstairs since. Great start to the new year.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 01/01/2009 23:24

Im sorry, but you have just made me break my first new years resolution. This man is a CUNT! How DARE he humiliate you in such a way, is he that insecure that he has to belittle you - Im sorry but i would march straight down the stairs and put him straight, in front of your friends, stand up to him - he needs taking down a peg or two - what a horrid man.

Yurtgirl · 01/01/2009 23:24

Have you got kids? How is H with them?
I would worry about my children if they heard a man (their father or anyone) talking to me like that

nula · 01/01/2009 23:24

You need new friends and to get rid of your bullying husband.

That is NOT normal or acceptable behaviour

Original poster
Pignata · 01/01/2009 23:26

I do have kids yes. He is good with them but does encourage them to take the piss out of me. I can take a joke, really I can but why is it always me they laugh at? even when I'll ill. How can I be showing off just going to toilet? Its not as though I stand up and announce that I'm going in a dramatic fashion. I could hear him earlier telling them about how I stank the house out over new years eve and that they didn't dare set fireworks off incase the methane gas from the bathroom blew us all up. They're all laughing.

OP posts:
Alambil · 01/01/2009 23:27

from Womens Aid site:

What are the signs of domestic violence?

  • Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening

well it's a snippet.

I think you really need to consider your next conversation carefully

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 01/01/2009 23:28

People who find diarrhoea etc funny are usually very immature - you could try saying, every time he starts on you, oh DH are you still being juvenile? You'll be drawing willies on bus shelters next!

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 23:28

I am a little shocked at how abusive some people are towards Pignatas husband - he is being well out of order but to say that she should leave him and other things....its not exactly helpful for the here and now i think

Bicnod · 01/01/2009 23:29

Oh Pignata, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Are you able to talk to him about how he makes you feel when its just the two of you or is that just not possible?

Original poster
Pignata · 01/01/2009 23:29

Thankyou LewisFanFareFromTheAngels. I suppose I knew deep down but I don't want to start the new year off with a marriage break up but its not just this, I've been ignoring so much and I can't do it anymore, I just feel so sad all the time.
And now I've made myself look even more stupid and pathetic by hiding upstairs.

OP posts:
Alambil · 01/01/2009 23:29

Who's been abusive on this post??!

thisisyesterday · 01/01/2009 23:29

i too would be down there giving him what for.

i can't really even type what I am thinking because I am so angry with him on your behalf.

Alambil · 01/01/2009 23:30

No pignata - you are NOT stupid. Self preservation meant you hid. I would have too.

To face such behaviour and people when you're feeling unwell, are in pain and discomfort is just... well - it would be impossible for me.

Don't think you're stupid. Ever.

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 23:31

Like i said he is being an idiot and unfair - i don't know OP's history on MN but from her OP alone i think some people have gone for the jugular way too quickly - has she tried telling him how upset it makes her etc etc - sorry if that seems lame.

Yurtgirl · 01/01/2009 23:32

I dont think you are stupid and pathetic.

You are unwell with IBS. You have low confidence/self esteem because of the way he behaves towards you - those two factors dont imo make you stupid or pathetic

Nosey questions because I am interested and concerned!
How long has he been behaving like this?
How old are your children?

Bicnod · 01/01/2009 23:34

You are definitely not stupid - you are tired and ill and feeling alone. I think you've taken a big step even posting on MN.

Maybe you could try talking to someone at Womens Aid to talk through your options?

How would your husband respond if you told him (when it's just the two of you) how he makes you feel?

NorthernLurker · 01/01/2009 23:36

Stillenacht - I've never told my husband not to discuss my bowel habits with our friends - but if he should do so it will still be a massive invasion of my privacy and betrayal of my trust. Regardless of what has and hasn't been said - calling your wife 'shittyarse' in public is not characteristic of a loving relationship.

Original poster
Pignata · 01/01/2009 23:37

He's been like this for so long but worse in the past couple of years. He's always trying to make me look stupid. Like we were in Halfords a couple of days ago, I wanted something for DS's bike and a woman came across to see what we wanted. I just looked at DH as it was him that knew exactly what it was and he rolled his eyes and said "well, tell the nice lady what we want then!" in a really patronising way and they both started laughing.

We were on a night out a few weeks ago and we got talking to a group of lads in a takeaway. We got talking about London and I said "I used to live in London" (I did) and DH said "no you didn't!" I said "yes I did!" and so he rubbed my hair and said "bless, she's had a few too many" and they all started laughing.

The children are 9 and 2

OP posts:
Alambil · 01/01/2009 23:39

Pignata that is horrendous

Original poster
Pignata · 01/01/2009 23:39

Sorry I keep crossing posts.

I have told him before that the snidey comments and patronising annoys me and makes me feel bad and he says I take things too personally and I shouldn't show off if I don't want to be made to feel bad. He just doesn't care. If I did it to him he'd go ballistic.

OP posts:
Bicnod · 01/01/2009 23:40

He sounds incredibly insecure and like he makes himself feel better by humiliating and belittling you. What's he like with other people? Is he ever loving towards you?

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 23:42

i am sometimes the butt of my DH's jokes in public and vice versa so "shitty arse" may not have meant to be said in such a vindictive way, could be a jokey/embarrassed type way - i agree its not a nice thing to say but it doesn't have to mean that its a marriage breaker?

Saying that i have just read OP further comments - he does sound like he enjoys humiliating/patronising you in public - can you talk to him about why he does it?

NorthernLurker · 01/01/2009 23:42

I think from what you say that he is eroding your self-esteem and probably excacerbating your IBS by putting you under stress. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life about this because I think at the very least you need some marriage counselling - he isn't seeing you as a person at all is he? Just 'the wife' to who he has ascribed a set of unapealing characteristics - and everytime he says that you are stupid or smelly or no fun - it knocks away at you doesn't it? This has to stop.

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 23:42

sorry xposted

NotQuiteCockney · 01/01/2009 23:42

A lot of the people who are laughing 'along' with your DH (including your 'friends') may well be doing so out of embarassment at the situation, not because they agree with his mockery.

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 23:43

From your further points OP the fact he can dish it and not take it, it does sound like he is eroding your self esteem to get his kicks. Am sorry