Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cry over DH?

149 replies

Pignata · 01/01/2009 23:02

DH has just told me that I ruined New Years Eve because I kept going to toilet and leaving him with "the others". By "the others" he means my family.

I have IBS and my stomach has really been playing up over christmas. Yesterday it was really painful. I decided not to drink incase it made it worse (it would have done) and DH said I was being a miserable cow and trying to spoil the party.

Today it has been worse. Everytime I go to toilet DH shouts after me "here she goes again, shitty arse" he made me cry earlier. Anyone else's DH would be supportive and maybe even sympathetic and I feel so angry that he treats me like this when I'm unwell.

Well I've just been to toilet and DH shouted up the stairs to stop showing off and seeking attention. This he said in front of 3 of our friends and they all started laughing. I've not been downstairs since. Great start to the new year.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 01/01/2009 23:44

Stillenacht - he didn't have to say anything at all! He chose to humilate the op - in front of her friends and then to follow it up with other remarks. Their relationship is of course far more complex than this single incident - but this single incident is imo a major red flag.

thisisyesterday · 01/01/2009 23:45

pignata, he sounds awful! I couldn't bear to be with someone who treated me like that

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 23:46

No i know he didn't have to say anything but perhaps he was trying to make light a situation that is serious so as to make everything appear ok on the surface.

On further details it does seem as if he is a bully - so sorry

NorthernLurker · 01/01/2009 23:47

Sorry stillenacht - I crossposted with you at least twice there!

Bicnod · 01/01/2009 23:47

I agree with NorthernLurker - definitely a good idea to talk to someone in real life about this.

I have been in a similarly abusive (and yes, it is abuse, albeit verbal) relationship which thankfully I managed to put an end to - not before my self-worth was completely decimated though. It was a lot less complicated for me though as I didn't have children with him and I wasn't married.

It takes a lot to admit to yourself that this is happening, but please believe me you do have the power to change your own life for the better.

Alambil · 01/01/2009 23:49

emotional abuse

OP if you want / need someone in RL to speak to about this, the WA helpline is secure and free - 0808 2000 247

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship too (it spiralled actually but thats by the by)

Original poster
Pignata · 01/01/2009 23:49

He is very over friendly with other people. HE'S the show off, always going on about how great he is and trying to make friends. I think he is insecure. I remember once he said to his mate "Well I'm alright for tonight, I'm going to dip my stick in my bucket and then have an early night" his mate said "that's really out of order, my wife would kill me if I said that" and DH got embarrassed and said "oh she knows I don't mean it" he then put his arm around me and apologised and started being all lovey dovey but it was all for his mate's benefit, not mine. He wasn't really sorry, just sorry his mate hadn't laughed.

OP posts:
Hangingbellyofbabylon · 01/01/2009 23:49

so sorry to hear this Pignata. I have had periods of my life where IBS had been horrendous and I have been back and forth to the loo every 20 mins in severe pain so I know how crap you feel. It's bad enough going through this without someone taking the piss out of you. Is it possible that the friends are laughing in a nervous way? they might not find him funny but are too scared/polite to say anything. I hope you some relief from the ibs enough to sleep and deal with all of this in the morning.

Lotster · 01/01/2009 23:50

me again Pignata, I found this link on another thread that's going today.
www.verbalabuse.com/page3/page4/page4.html

Poo-jokes can seem harmless anough, but actually it seems to me he is going out of his way to make you feel ashamed and small. If this isn't his intention, or his comments are a reflection of his own self-esteem or whatever, you are still suffering for it and it needs to stop. He needs to be made to understand and perhaps you should print out some info for him to read. Sometimes we get so stuck in habits they become normal. And as others have said, your condition is worsened by stress.

I really hope your husband has got so full of his silly jokes he doesn't realise what a git he's been. But it has become bullying and humiliation, and if you tell him this and he doesn't take the opportunity to stop then I would worry.

Alambil · 01/01/2009 23:50

sorry, xposted there pignata... this is sounding worse and worse

IF you want to get help, that number is the best place - theres lots of people here too who've been here

you could look at 2009 not as a breakup, but as the start of your life as a happy, secure person.... if you go that far, of course

Mooseheart · 01/01/2009 23:56

Just to say I'm really sorry to hear this. It reminds me of another couple I know - I don't know how the woman has put up with it for so long. He is VERY insecure and very hung up about his self image. And he is a show-off.

Sounds like he has a very similar personality to your dh.

Bicnod · 02/01/2009 00:00

Pignata, I'm off to bed. I really hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and please please please think about what everyone has been saying on here. Ringing WA to just talk things through and get some real life validation that you are not in any way being unreasonable and that this is not your fault would be a really good start to the new year.

Will put this post on my watch list so if you want to keep talking tomorrow then post...

Sending huge hugs x x x

wearymummy · 02/01/2009 00:05

Sorry to but in .. have been reading this and agree with the advice given - just interested to know if you love your husband (are you still in love?) and does he make you happy? Ever?
x

Niecie · 02/01/2009 00:07

He sounds awful Pignata and his behaviour is undoubtedly making your IBS worse. The strain of trying to stay on his good side and not have him pick on you must be stressful enough to bring on an attack all by itself.

I am with whoever said that you should go and give him a mouthful now and give him a taste of his own medicine - let him feel humiliated. However, that probably requires more energy than you sound like you have at the moment and if he is as bad as he sounds probably won't make any difference. You need to talk calmly to him and lay it on a plate for him so he understands his behaviour is unacceptable and you won't put up with it. Then if he does it again, there is no doubt he is being malicious and you will need to decide if you can carry on with this.

For what it is worth, I am sure that some of the people who are laughing with your husband at his 'witty' remarks are doing it out of embarrassment, not because they think he is funny or you are a figure of fun. They can see he is humiliating you but don't want to start an argument by sticking up for you. A bit weak of them but I don't think they are necessarily all ganging up on you. At least I hope so.

blinks · 02/01/2009 00:32

rise up pignata and put a stop to this.

'how embarrassing for you that you need to make others feel small in order to feel big.'

or

'Thank you. I am refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.' (with enormous smile)

he's the saddo, not you.

JumpingDizzy · 02/01/2009 00:42

Pignata whatever did you see in him

Really feel for you

poetmum · 02/01/2009 00:57

Really great advice you've been given, Pignata.

Before making any decisions, is there somewhere you could go for a few days to think it over? Someone who will provide you and your children a safe space to think things through and make a plan? A place where he won't be able to find you? Just go without telling him.

Even if after thinking it over for a few days, you decide to go back and make him work to heal the relationship, you'll do so with a clearer head. And if you decide it isn't worth salvaging, you'll have been able to prepare for the transition to a better life without his distraction sabotaging you.

MerryMadMarg · 02/01/2009 08:58

Pignata - you really need to see someone. A counsellor would really help you to deal with this. If your DH is acting like this, there is something really wrong with your relationship. Maybe it can be saved, but to do so, you need help because it seems that you are in a downward spiral and your first step is to become strong within yourself.

revjustaboutwipestheslateclean · 02/01/2009 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMagooo · 02/01/2009 09:13

Pignata you sound so sad my lovely - no-one, especially DH - should make you feel this way!

YANBU at all.

He does sound rather awful & his behaviour towards you is just nasty.

{{{{{{{gentle hugs}}}}}}

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 02/01/2009 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Reallytired · 02/01/2009 09:42

I don't know anything about IBS, but your husband sounds awful. He is being abusive and no one deserves to be treated like that. I think the advice you have been given is excellent.

Upwind · 02/01/2009 09:51

If they are normal human beings your "friends" are disgusted with your H's behaviour. I was at a party over Christmas where a H behaved in a similar (but not so completely nasty) way. There was nervous laughter. We gave another couple and a friend a lift home, in the car we all talked about how horrified we had been and what a complete wanker thw guy in question was.

Remember the mate who made it clear he was out of order? Very few people will get involved in arguments or nastiness within a couple. It does not mean they are amused or impressed by bullying behaviour.

Hope you find a new way forward in 2009 - where you never allow anyone treat you this way.

Madmentalbint · 02/01/2009 09:54

YANBU
I'm so sorry your OH is treating you this way. It's not acceptable for anybody to treat anyone in this manner - it is cruel and ugly.

I suspect that your OH behaves this way because he feels that you're unlikely to answer back. If you feel strong enough, standing up to him and telling him you will no longer tolerate his behaviour may be enough to put a stop to it. If you don't feel strong enough then maybe a few days away will be enough to give him the sharp shock he deserves. It would also give you a bit of breathing space to relax and consider your options.

I wish you all the best for the future xx

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 02/01/2009 10:08

Oh my God. That is appalling behaviour. You poor, poor thing. I had a bout of IBS when I was in my last year at uni, and it's so awful; painful, inconvenient and bloody humiliating to boot.

I agree with all the advice so far. This is verbally, emotionally bullying behaviour. How fucking DARE he? I am so on your behalf.

Please speak to someone in RL. You need a support network in place.

Lots of love and luck x

Swipe left for the next trending thread