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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to think it wasn't up to nursery staff to tell DD this?

226 replies

HollyCherry · 31/12/2008 12:16

Just interested in opinions really.

DD is 4.3 and last night gave me a big soppy hug and said, "I want to marry you when I grow up"

I told her that girls can't marry girls, to which she replied - "Yes they can - x at nursery says girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys"

I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed for even raising the subject - but I really don't expect the nursery to be filling a 4 year old in on these kind of details?

OP posts:
MillyR · 31/12/2008 18:26

SGSB; yes, good point. I think (hope) most families do know single people, regardless of them being straight, gay or other.

Poppycake · 31/12/2008 18:29

One of my dd's little friends has a mother who split up with his dad to be with another woman. I must admit I find it harder to explain the bit of why the mother and father don't live together any more than why his Mum lives with a woman. She's quite happy to think that people love each other and want to live together, but it's much more upsetting to think that people split up. We have quite a lot of gay friends, because dh is an academic and it's rife in academia (not sure why that is!) and dd1 has never batted an eyelid. Why would she?

stoppinattwo · 31/12/2008 18:49

I think yabu...but it would have been interested to see how the conversation had progressed had your DD asked a little more about why a girl would want to marry a girl etc etc....as i think that would need a little more explanation and although I think nursery nurses would be completely capable of this i would want to know about the discussion so I was prepared for the follow up questions

MsHighwater · 31/12/2008 20:30

SGSB, I'm sury that mere chance could ensure that all of someone's regular circle of friends could be couples. Is it really necessary for you to pitch in implying that it's deliberate on their part and to criticise them for providing an "unrealistic world view" for their dc's.

I'm pretty sure the world view that my life and my circle of friends shows to my dd would be quite unrealistic from some people's point of view. Probably, since I'm a Christian, yours.

ScottishMummy · 31/12/2008 20:47

well it hardly constitutes filling her head,more a statement of fact.girls can/do marry girls.aint love wonderful.girl love,boy love,all love

scifinerd · 31/12/2008 21:21

Why are so many people on this thread so keen to stress the difference between a civil partnership and a marriage. Why is it important to stress that difference? That bothers me. Frankly marriage should be open to all.

MillyR · 31/12/2008 21:29

Scifinerd, it is because of religion.

scifinerd · 31/12/2008 21:39

i still dont get it. In France religious marriage is not recognised under the law, you have to have a civil wedding too. What does religion have to do with it?

cupcakesinthesnow · 31/12/2008 21:52

I am a buddhist and therefore certainly do not believe in god, but got married to tie up legal loose ends. It was a civil ceremony but a marriage non the less.

My point is that imo the world would be a better place if people did not concern themeselves with the details of such things when at the end of the day both ceremonies involve two people who love eachother making a commitment to eachother. Surely that alone should be celebrated as opposed to dissected and debated.

Both my sons know that men can love men and women love women and although it's less common than men and women loving eachother and marrrying eachother it's no big deal. IMO the less fuss that is made the better. Too many adults have issues which with their sexuality which have affected their mental and emotional health due to the ideals that were impressed upon them in childhood.

FrannyandZooey · 31/12/2008 21:56

loving the gay sculpture

scifinerd · 31/12/2008 21:56

exactly cupcakes

Iloveautumn · 31/12/2008 22:08

YABVU

The nursery staff must consider the fact that other children at the nursery may well have gay parents and it was entirely proper for them to reassure all the children that married relationships can exist between same-sex couples.

Not all children grow up in heterosexual households and nurseries should be sensitive to this.

Agree with others that being worried no difference was established between marriage/civil partnership is a complete red herring here - the children are 4!!!! The most important issue surely is that they understand that it is normal for same-sex couples to exist.

As a side issue I am wondering where people live that they don't know any gay people/couples though?!! When people say that I always think - yeah right, of course you do, you just don't know you do!

MillyR · 31/12/2008 22:19

The Catholic, Anglican and Eastern Orthodox churches teach that marriage is a sacrament (like mass, baptism etc), and that during the marriage service as carried out by a priest, the grace of god binds the couple together.

If someone is married in a civil marriage ceremony, a baptist or evangelical non-Anglican church ceremony or any other ceremony that is not the marriage rite, then they would not be considered married in the sacramental and therefore spiritual sense; the grace of God is not part of their relationship according to church teaching.

This is for life; a divorced person cannot be remarried in a Catholic church and they can only be remarried in the Anglican church under exceptional circumstances, although they can have a civil (registry office) service and then a church blessing, but NOT the marriage rite.

A civil partnership for a same sex couple cannot receive the sacrament of marriage and they are therefore not married in the sacramental sense, but neither are heterosexual baptists, atheists etc.

Other religions will obviously have other views.

This may not matter to you, but it does matter to gay people who are members of sacramental churches.

MsHighwater · 31/12/2008 22:51

iloveautumn, I certainly know at least one gay person who is in a long term relationship though I don't know the other half - it's a work acquaintance. I definitely don't know any "out" gay couples. I know that there are gay couples in this area - I just don't happen to know any of them. I don't know any air traffic controllers either though I know they must live round here (I live near an airport).

cupcakesinthesnow · 31/12/2008 23:02

At Ds's first school there were 2 female teachers who were married to women. It was certainly no secret and perfectly accepted as far as I was aware. One of ds1's friends lived with 2 mummies.

Original poster
HollyCherry · 01/01/2009 10:46

I really wasn't going to post any more but in response to solidgold...

...obviously we have a number of single friends, my closest friend (and DD's godmother) is single but unfortunately lives about 150 miles away and has a busy career so we only see her about once a year if we're lucky.

Naturally (I think) the people we see most of are those with children the same age as our DD and they just happen to all be married/co-habiting straight couples - nothing intentional on our part, they are largely people we have known since childhood, as I have said before we live in a fairly small town.

I have had gay friends in the past, but as we all know, in the late teenage/early twenties lots of people move on/lose touch etc. If they were still in my life DD would know them and they would be no different to any of our other 'couple' friends.

OP posts:
believer07 · 01/01/2009 10:48

But I bet most of you lied to your DC's about father Christmas though.

believer07 · 01/01/2009 10:55

I dont think YABU.....I believe that you would have liked the chance to tell your own child about it, and I think it's reasonalbe to ask the nursery that should any further questions of that nature or perhaps the 'bird and the bees' come up then they should direct your child to ask you.

I seem to remember a thread not long ago where a classroom assistant was sacked for TELLING THE TRUTH about father christmas, well she was vilified on this site and called nasty and that she deserved to be sacked.

So when is the truth acceptable and when is it not acceptable?

We have the right to parent out children as we choose.

purepurple · 01/01/2009 11:02

by sending your child to nursery you have to accept that they will be influenced by others, accept that you cannot control everything in your child's life, so YABU

hercules1 · 01/01/2009 11:03

WHat a thread about nothing. I'd have complained had they not told the truth.

solidgoldstuffingballs · 01/01/2009 11:09

I'm almost tempted to find out about the odds on someone starting any kind of 'I'm not a bigot, just a mildly prejudiced twat' thread that doesn't lead rapidly on to 'Of course, I've got an imaginary friend therefore I am a Persecuted Minority'.
Because the polite bigots, who don't want any nasty violence or rude words or anything, just to quietly remove other people's human rights, always seem to be doing so in the name of their imaginary friends.
You have every right to hold your silly superstitions and indulge them in singing, dancing, standing on your head or wearing the same pair of pants for a month. What you don't get is more rights than other people. ANd no one is under any obligation to take your superstitions seriously.

piscesmoon · 01/01/2009 11:18

I think it is a thread about nothing-the subject must have come up in some shape or form and the staff told the truth, they don't appear to have gone into detail. If you are asked a question by a DC you answer it, in simple terms that they can understand. You don't lie-or I would hope that you wouldn't lie- and nursery staff certainly shouldn't.

StayFrostyTheSnowMam · 01/01/2009 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruty · 01/01/2009 11:35

sGB there are a huge numbers of Christians who believe that gay people should have the same rights as everyone else and that includes the rights marriage in church. And there are huge numbers of gay people within the church, both as members of congregation and as members of the clergy. At the risk of pointing out the bleeding obvious.

Christianity at its heart is about equality and social justice. It has been misrepresented quite a bit but believing in an imaginary friend and being a bigot does not necessarily go hand in hand.

MollyCherry · 01/01/2009 11:57

I have no problem with anyone having their own opinions about my faith or any other one for that matter - but surely it is possible to express those feelings in a more tolerant, adult and less offensive manner, particularly since I have already tried umpteen times to clarify my POV, yet SGS seems hellbent on having a rant for the sake of it without even considering or paying any attention to the responses.

For probably the hundredth time:

I have NO PROBLEM WITH same sex relationships

I have NO PROBLEM with civil partnerships

If a law was passed that allowed gay marriage in church I would have NO PROBLEM with that either

I am more than happy to explain all of the above to my DD, now or whenever she is ready to ask, I would just like to be able to do it myself in my own way rather than having nursery staff taking it upon themselves to do it (although I appreciate that if DD is in nursery and the subject comes up they've got to say something - just a bit as to how it came up in the first place)