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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to call social services on my neighbour?

133 replies

CornBreadQueen · 30/12/2008 18:30

dh and i feel like we're in a very tough position and are to the point of really wanting to take action. we've been in our house for 8 months (in a very nice part of town btw). we live on a quiet street apart from our next door neighbours who we hear through the walls everyday. it's not just the normal banter, it's verbal abuse to each other and especially to the small child. she's a sweet girl who's around 5 or 6 and is rarely heard aside from the screaming and crying. we're hearing the mother and father scream and swear at her, threaten her with being hit (sometimes she says again), and just general nastiness.

it's just gone 6 and her mother is screaming at her to "get to sleep!" earlier this week we heard her mum scream at her that she didn't want her anymore, her father is always telling her to" f off" and "shut the f up". it's just horrible to listen to and we don't know what to do because the house on the other side of them is empty. we can hear them over the telly screaming at the moment.....

do we call someone, write a letter, let it go as it's not our affairs and don't have physical proof? anyone have suggestions?

OP posts:
MsG · 31/12/2008 18:20

This thread is upsetting for everyone, but getting upset with each other isn't going to help the little girl or the OP...

As far as we know, NAB, the girl has not been hit but has had that threatened to her. We all agree it is unjustifiable and that's why CBQ posted, to get some support and advice. I think she is in the best position to judge the level of danger the girl may be in as she's the only one of us who has witnessed it - and I am sure she wouldn't hesitate to call the police if she felt it was the right thing to.

I am sure she will do what she can but also am not sure her involvement will make a difference - of course she should still act but I don't think it'll magically make it stop...

I am also sure CBQ will update us when she can.

DaddyJ · 31/12/2008 18:24

NAB, calm down and read this thread.

So far no account of actual violence, only abusive language
which is clearly not good but let's give the OP some support here.
Probably more effective than shouting at her.

poetmum · 31/12/2008 18:26

This surely isn't helping the OP. Anyone notice she hasn't been around in awhile?

IMHO, on a support forum, we utilise the information at hand. We do our best to present our opinions and experiences. We do our best to attempt to think about what others say. Then - agree or disagree - use the outcome as a method to grow and understand each other better.

I sense that a lot of buttons have been pushed by this thread. This is our baggage - not the OP's. We're the only ones able to carry it.

Not one of us here - including the OP - is going to save this or any other child. What she or others here will do, however, is attempt to influence the direction this family's life will or won't go.

We can not make the OP give anyone the details. We can't leap through our computer screen and hold OP's hand if she chooses to call. We can't materialize in that child's house and comfort her. What we can do is offer our advice, pray (or whatever) and remember the right action to take if we ever find ourselves in a similar situation.

Hard to admit - but we are powerless over this situation. And that doesn't make anyone feel good. So, I'm going to go and sit with that feeling for awhile.

chloemegjess · 31/12/2008 18:30

No, it isn't just that she is shouted at a lot though is it? I had shouty parents but it wasn't abuse. This is. And a visit from SS might just make the parents realise that they are not doing the right thing

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 18:32

I am perfectly calm thank you.

You don't need to all have a go at me. I haven't done anything wrong.

I will not apologise for caring about a child who is being abused.

CrushWithEyeliner · 31/12/2008 18:32

Er if you read the OP early posts she says the girl was being threatened with being hit AGAIN so you can bet on it that she is being physically as well as verbally abused.

The OP was very emphatic on her concerns for this child and the danger she may be in, now she seems to be retreating back which I think is really sad, especially considering some awful news cases recently.

MsG · 31/12/2008 18:37

It's awful - but as poetmum says, we can't do anything other than offer suggestions/advice.

littleboyblue · 31/12/2008 18:41

I'd call. Haven't read the whole thread but someone early on said that if it's a case of a struggling parent, they'd get the help they need.
You're not doing anything wrong for calling, if you have genuine concern for this girl you have a duty to make the call IMO.
Please call.

hobbgoblin · 31/12/2008 18:42

Ok haven't read the whole thread, but I can tell yopu that although SS will be obliged to look into this, they will not consider this case on the facts stated here significant enough to act in any major way. This, unless there are other 'things' going on would be a low level referral and would be best dealt with by another agency. Although in theory SS should make a referral to another agency once they have deemed that the risk of harm is not significant enough for their further involvement, in reality this happens infrequently.

The best places to help with accessing possible resources and help for this famnily would be the most local SureStart/Children's Centre for children aged 0-5 or the Extended Schools Support Workers or Coordinator (ESCO) for the local school's consortium.

HTH

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 18:42

better to call and it be all fine than stay silent and it be bad.

hobbgoblin · 31/12/2008 18:44

Sorry meant to complete sentence with Extended Schools for children aged 5-19 or 25 if with SN.

BlueSapphire77 · 31/12/2008 18:44

Which is why she needs support.
so ok, if this crap slinging scares her off posting, phoning and everything, we are back to square one. Nice work.

I didn't mean to quote at you about abuse NAB i have been there too, i was just trying to point out..i mean, am i demanding your address so i can make a phonecall about you being the type of person who might tell their kids to shut up, given that that could be under the biiiiig fat umbrella term of 'at risk from emotional abuse'

and before you think i am having a go at you, i am not at all, it is hard to say things in writing with any emotion..i would like also to say that i posted on a thread recently about my 11 YO son being late for school because i had mega morning sickness..tiredness, you name it.. now, theoretically, i am allowing my needs to come before his, ........ that could be construed as neglect, or emotional harm (in being late for school i had not been an appropriate parent to him and made sure he was up, breakfast and ready)

So i am not perfect either.

Just hoping that whatever your or my own personal opinion, we respect that it is not the opinion of the OP.. so must be sympathetic to her angle and hope to convince her to make that call without resorting to anger and finger pointing

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 18:46

i don't tell my kids to shut up

the op situation is nothing like me saying the op should report it and me telling an ADULT to shut up

i think this thread is a waste of time tbh.

the op hasn't been here for ages. she isn't going to ring and i have no idea why she posted in the first place

BlueSapphire77 · 31/12/2008 18:46

BTW i understand your frustration please don't think i don't

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 18:46

what the op has posted is a fact, ypou are assuming i shout at my kids. not the same at all

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 18:47

i can't have a lot of sympathy for someone who hears a child being hurt and does nothing tbh

orangehead · 31/12/2008 18:55

Op- I once rang my hv about a neglect issue and she was useless and took the attitude of why was I ringing her. This may of just been my hv but I dont think they are the best people to call and certainly not to wait that long. I think you need to ring social services or if things get to bad ring the police. If it done anoymously they wont know. As the child is school age it could of been school and if they can be as loud as you say it could be anyone passing by. If they threaten you or do anything you ring the police. Please ring.

CrushWithEyeliner · 31/12/2008 18:56

What a shame - I thought something good might have come out of the OP posting - quite the reverse, the poor girl

hobbgoblin · 31/12/2008 18:57

Ok haven't read the whole thread, but I can tell yopu that although SS will be obliged to look into this, they will not consider this case on the facts stated here significant enough to act in any major way. This, unless there are other 'things' going on would be a low level referral and would be best dealt with by another agency. Although in theory SS should make a referral to another agency once they have deemed that the risk of harm is not significant enough for their further involvement, in reality this happens infrequently.

The best places to help with accessing possible resources and help for this famnily would be the most local SureStart/Children's Centre for children aged 0-5 or the Extended Schools Support Workers or Coordinator (ESCO) for the local school's consortium.

HTH

DaddyJ · 31/12/2008 23:00

Well, did anyone read the other thread?

I sense a very touching faith here that if only OP calls SS
they will come running along, wave their magic SS wand and everything will be wonderful.

Not sure at all about that, the more I read about SS and the care system in this country.

I agree that OP is potentially witnessing a crime against a child
but I think she is doing the right thing by proceeding with caution.

blueshoes · 31/12/2008 23:11

Agree, DaddyJ. Seems like the SS involvement is a double-edged sword, if it cuts at all. Better than nothing, but don't hope for miracles. Perhaps the OP can take comfort in that, if she decides to report.

BlueSapphire77 · 31/12/2008 23:39

I have had dealings with them in the past ( i am on that thread also) and have seen the crap they have doled out to other people and myself, however, i have also had recent involvement and have found a shift in their modus operandi for slightly the better.. unfortunately the OP cannot go up to these people and explain and offer help, she does not feel in that sort of position obviously..
At the end of the day this child must come first, i understand the OP proceeding with caution, and i also understand the frustration of those who think a terrible crime is taking place, which any kind of child abuse clearly is, it is a damn shame there is no happy medium where say, the OP could contact an organisation that will pop round to check on the child, assess the needs and and failings within the family and any support that may be offered, be supportive and caring, TELL the parents their behaviour is impacting on their child and how, also how they may parent more effectively, point out the effect their actions have on the child, make sure the parents know what they are currently doing is unacceptable and if it continued, the consequences that could arise..without being heavy handed...the list goes on.
Oh...isn't that what the social services are supposed to do?

BlueSapphire77 · 31/12/2008 23:40

Sorry, the 'these people' i refer to at the beginning of my post means the parents of the child, not the SS

poetmum · 01/01/2009 00:01

BlueSapphire - you are lovely to envision such a responsible, thoughtful world.

I went to the other thread. And I actually had to have DH work with DS whilst I went upstairs to sit with all of these conflicting feelings.

But, here you are articulating so clearly what all of us want - a just world, a better system, competent compassion and heartfelt analysis. No wonder so many people were riled up! It is the failing of this world and this system which is in conflict with our idea of the correct reality that has our knickers in a bunch. And some people are better able to walk the balance between discerning the energy level they devote to: what could really happen; what ought to happen; and what will happen.

Thanks.

Katiestar · 01/01/2009 00:04

I really don't think ss will act ,it is just likely to add anothefr layer of stress to the family and make things worse.
.Threatening to smack and even smacking a child who is acting up is not a crime.Swearing at a child isn't pleasant but many people do swear routinely and again I don't know what SS would do.In the real world people do sometimes lose their patience and lose their temper verbally with their kids.
Also i think it would be obvious who had reported them and it is not beyond teh realms of possibility that they might make a retaliatary complaint anonymously against you.
I think at this stage befriending the family would be best and trying to find out what is going on