Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to want to call social services on my neighbour?

133 replies

CornBreadQueen · 30/12/2008 18:30

dh and i feel like we're in a very tough position and are to the point of really wanting to take action. we've been in our house for 8 months (in a very nice part of town btw). we live on a quiet street apart from our next door neighbours who we hear through the walls everyday. it's not just the normal banter, it's verbal abuse to each other and especially to the small child. she's a sweet girl who's around 5 or 6 and is rarely heard aside from the screaming and crying. we're hearing the mother and father scream and swear at her, threaten her with being hit (sometimes she says again), and just general nastiness.

it's just gone 6 and her mother is screaming at her to "get to sleep!" earlier this week we heard her mum scream at her that she didn't want her anymore, her father is always telling her to" f off" and "shut the f up". it's just horrible to listen to and we don't know what to do because the house on the other side of them is empty. we can hear them over the telly screaming at the moment.....

do we call someone, write a letter, let it go as it's not our affairs and don't have physical proof? anyone have suggestions?

OP posts:

Original poster

CornBreadQueen · 31/12/2008 14:08

we don't have any developments. we do have a course of action and whilst it's easy for some to sit on the computer and say "i would call right this minute" and that we're being "silent participants" for not calling straight away we have our own family to think of as well the consequences that could happen to this girl if her parents are flat out confronted. unfortunately moving isn't an option for us as we're in a contract and therefore we're here until next summer. we've got the best interest of the girl in mind and action will be taken on our behalf on monday when i'm going to call the hv for a drop in at our house so that they can (hopefully, or unfortunately as I should say) hear the goings on next door. thank you again for all of the replies as it's been very helpful!

OP posts:

LobstersLass · 31/12/2008 14:43

So you call the thread, AIBU to want to call social services on my neighbour - most people say no, you're not being unreasonable and you should do it right away. And then you decide not to do so.
How very odd.

27 · 31/12/2008 14:47

Your HV might just advise you to contact social work. If this girl isnt on her case load then there might not be a lot else that she could do.
She could possibly contact SW herself, but she might feel that you are better placed to give them the information.

MrsSeanBean · 31/12/2008 14:48

Lobsters, I tyhink that was a bit unfair. CBQ is in a difficult situation, looking for moral support and clearly trying to do the best she can.

CrushWithEyeliner · 31/12/2008 15:03

So you are going to talk to your HV about the girl? So you are going to tell someone about it or are you just hoping she will overhear.I don't understand...

I am surprised you are not being stronger on this TBH. If you are that scared of her parents can you imagine how the little girl is feeling?

Surely you can report them anon? They will never know it's you and you could be preventing a dreadful outcome for this child. Come on, do you really thing you are doing enough here?

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 15:28

It has to be the OPs decision. She knows what she has to do. She just has to decide if the risk is worth it. They might not be any negative come back but the positive might just be amazing.

hadenufffor1day · 31/12/2008 15:32

i saw this thread yesterday and it has been on my mind ever since and i'm very concerned to see that nothing has happened since then to help this very young child. i even feel that i'm partly complicit in her misery as i'm aware of it and not taking any action.
you are an adult and can deal with any repercussions, what is the worst that they can do to you? shout nasty things at you?
you've been living next door to their shouting abuse for 8 months and by informing SS there's every chance the situation may get better. in any case it is simply the duty of any responsible adult to inform SS if they believe a child is being abused.
what exactly are you waiting for? is the abuse not severe enough yet?
now you have shared this with a wider audience you must take action, or are you simply seeking sympathy for your own situation of living next to nightmare neighbours? this issue is not about you.
please report your concerns to SS immediately, waiting days while you discuss the pros and cons and how you feel on mumsnet is simply wrong

LucieLucie · 31/12/2008 15:35

If it was me hearing this horrific abuse in my home from next door I would telephone the Police immediately and report an ongoing disturbance involving a young child.
Police would respond as an emergency and gain access into the house etc. They have powers to take children into a place of safety if the situation in the house is extremely bad.
They also complete a child at risk referral which goes straight to the ss and flags up the incident.
also, is the house privately owned or rented etc. If rented try contacting the landlord or council if relevant.
Its not an easy situation to be in, but please remember these so called parents are the only ones in the wrong and they should not get away with this abuse just because of fear.
I really hope you manage to have the courage to report this. Remember ss will not respond immediately...more like;ly it will be 'logged' and no action taken esp if family are from another county and not known to your area ss
Be strong

CrackopentheBaileys · 31/12/2008 15:42

I don't know if the op is still around, but have you considered calling childline and asking for their advice?

08001111

poetmum · 31/12/2008 15:44

Seems like a fair compromise, CornBread. You just have to hope that they are acting out when HV arrrives.

One thing you could do is ask the HV about the environmental impact on your lo. Something like, "I've read that children can become very stressed when they are constantly exposed to aggression. We have a situation next door. Should I look for signs of stress in my lo, or just not worry over it?"

My DS has a very low aggression tolerance. When he witnesses it, he becomes very stressed. It can cause him to lose sleep, have nightmares, become withdrawn. If other life stresses are present, he'll even break out in a rash on his arm. We avoid certain play parks for this reason.

Sorry if I made you feel judged. Everyone is an individual and makes the right choices for their family. In cases like this, it is hard to stay true to that belief.

CrushWithEyeliner · 31/12/2008 15:45

Please reconsider OP

hadenufffor1day · 31/12/2008 15:59

oh gawd poetmum are you for real? the environmental impact of listening through the wall to a little girl being abused by both parents?
i'm really infuriated by this nonsense.
the advice to call the police was very practical, as it would ensure immediate action. stop procrastinating, you have a duty to help as the only person aware of what is happening to this little girl. imagine yourself in her place

stoppinattwo · 31/12/2008 16:04

wont this little girl be at school on monday...they go back on the 5th, so if the health visitor calls she wont hear anything

chloemegjess · 31/12/2008 16:07

Hello. Just want to say, I feel so sorry for you in this situation.

But PLEASE call somebody, today. I know you are worried about your own family, but just try and stay away from them, stay inside when you are on your own if needed. If you are that worried about your own safety and the baby's then you should alert the police, and make sure you always have your phone on you at all times.

But please speak out for this child asap. Everyday that this is getting passed over, the child has one more day of suffering. Think about all the abuse cases you hear about, and people usually say "why didn't people report them?!". You don't know that there is no pysical abuse either, you might not see the bruises, but they are not always obvious and on child protection course, I have always been told most abuse is hidden, so you won't see in on faces etc as the abuser isn't that stupid to let it show.

And even if there is no physical abuse, this is definatly abuse, one way or another and it is not ok to let it passs. I am not trying to have a go or anything but I am really worried about this child.

PLEASE, PLEASE do something. Yes tell your health visitor when you see her, but also phone somebody before that. It is your resposibility now you are aware of it, to do something about it and make it known.

And yes, I agree to keep a diary of what you see/hear etc but this is just an extra, it won't solve the problem on it's own.

Clarissimo · 31/12/2008 16:07

I would suggest calling the NSPCC, you can (and I have done this) do it anonymously and they will help you decide whether to speak to them with a name, go to SS or whatever. That cannot hrt surely? There cannot be any comeback if you do it anon and don't give the girls name.

It is a difficult one- I've had to do similar (went through school but was appropriate in our case) and I've had plenty of training and worked alongside SS.

When you call HV plaease stress how bad the situation is.

SH27 · 31/12/2008 16:08

This thread is very upsetting and CornBreadQueen, I really think you should call the police and voice you concerns. You would never forgive yourself if something happened to that poor child.

poetmum · 31/12/2008 16:20

Hadenuff, I am for real. The OP doesn't feel comfortable or safe about calling. One way to handle this is make it about her and her concerns for her family. This way she is technically not reporting anybody to the HV.

Her child is going to grow up hearing this nonsense. And it will have an awful effect on her child. Children who witness abuse have some of the same emotional responses as those who experience it. Even though her lo is still very young, she will be affected by this. Even now, she is being affected. Infants are experts at reading their mother's non-verbal clues. So, when all the abuse is happening next door, the baby is experiencing the fear and anxiety the mother is experiencing. It's not unreasonable to mention this to the HV.

She's stated that she won't SS. She came up with an idea that feels to her as if she is taking action. It's not my choice, nor is it how I would react. But, she's looking for support. That's the support I'm offering.

It's just my humble opinion. Nothing more. Nothing less.

poetmum · 31/12/2008 16:24

Chloemeg, she said that the house on the other side is empty. So, it would be obvious who called. (Or at least that's what I remember.)

I don't know how this would help you strengthen your advice to call. But, if you think of some way she can really remain anonymous, I think it would help Cornbread call.

CrushWithEyeliner · 31/12/2008 16:27

I really don't get the - invite the HV over tbh.....what on earth will that do?

BlueSapphire77 · 31/12/2008 16:29

What you are describing is abuse.
I assume you do not feel able to approach the parents yourself.. following on from what other people on here have said i would contact the local HV don't bother with nspcc cos they will just refer you to ss, so if HV no good, or you don't feel she is able to do anything useful, go direct to SS.

Try not to do it anonymously, they will keep your name out of it but at least they will have a good point of contact in you.

A horrible position to be in but this little child needs to be protected.

chloemegjess · 31/12/2008 16:29

Another point though to consider, is that it is not like if you make the call, that is it and the family will be awful to you and worse for the child. If they are nasty to you, worse to the child etc, you can call again and again until something is done. Call the police if it is happening right now, or call SS about the situation in general. If they come to your house, try not to answer the door, if they get nasty, call the police. THis is not just one phone call, it is the start to getting a better life for this little girl and support for your family and theirs.

If you are worried nothing is improving, go to your HV AND police AND SS AND Childline and anybody else you can. This is doing all you can to stop it.

MrsSeanBean · 31/12/2008 16:30

I suppose in theory, the postman, bin man or anyone else who calls at the house could feasibly have reported this. So if the op calls wants to remain anonymous (a) I would hope that her anonymity would be respected by whatever agency she contacted and (b) she could 'deny all knowledge' if challenged and/or threatened by the neighbour.

I don't condone subterfuge btw but sometimes it's necessary (sadly) in order to protect one's own family.

Clarissimo · 31/12/2008 16:31

Technically exposing your child to abuse even through walls could warrant SS interest itself you know.

Becuase of the effect on the child who hears it al.

So although I was a bit at Potmums initial post, there is some sense in there really now I understand where she is coming from.

Clarissimo · 31/12/2008 16:32

(and anonymity will be respected, I have never known it otherwise)

MsG · 31/12/2008 16:37

CornBreadQueen, did your SIL call Childline on your behalf? I think it would be good if you could call someone sooner rather than later... I know it's hard for you, but I don't really see what good waiting's going to do? I'm sure you could call SS or Childline anonymously.

Good luck anyway - I hope it gets resolved for the sake of the poor little girl and for you and your child. x

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread