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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to call social services on my neighbour?

133 replies

CornBreadQueen · 30/12/2008 18:30

dh and i feel like we're in a very tough position and are to the point of really wanting to take action. we've been in our house for 8 months (in a very nice part of town btw). we live on a quiet street apart from our next door neighbours who we hear through the walls everyday. it's not just the normal banter, it's verbal abuse to each other and especially to the small child. she's a sweet girl who's around 5 or 6 and is rarely heard aside from the screaming and crying. we're hearing the mother and father scream and swear at her, threaten her with being hit (sometimes she says again), and just general nastiness.

it's just gone 6 and her mother is screaming at her to "get to sleep!" earlier this week we heard her mum scream at her that she didn't want her anymore, her father is always telling her to" f off" and "shut the f up". it's just horrible to listen to and we don't know what to do because the house on the other side of them is empty. we can hear them over the telly screaming at the moment.....

do we call someone, write a letter, let it go as it's not our affairs and don't have physical proof? anyone have suggestions?

OP posts:

deanychip · 30/12/2008 18:52

i know i know, i agonised about it, but made the decision and i am SO GLAD that i did becasue our suffering was NOTHING compared to that little girls.
It would make your hair curl if i told you some of the things that were said.

stitch · 30/12/2008 18:53

could younot try to befired them? or are they just not someone you would be friends with?
I WOULD go withthe suggestion of the health visistor. sometimes some parenting classes for the parents will work better than any thing more drastic.

GenerationGap · 30/12/2008 18:54

A diary is going to look pretty pathetic in court if anything happens to the child - people will say 'WHY DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING?' - you know what to do, we all agree this is abuse so contact social services now anonymously if you wish and tell them the truth.

This, I feel is your duty as a citizen and parent to protect this child - you are not an interfering neighbour you are carrying out your civil duty by reporting abuse. What social services do after that is their concern not yours, I cannot understand your dilema at all!

oneyummymummy · 30/12/2008 18:54

Imagine this is your child, being looked after by someone else.......would you want the neighbours to call ss or not?

Original poster

CornBreadQueen · 30/12/2008 18:54

deanychip this is the situation that we are facing. these people are not only nasty to the girl but to each other and we know that they don't care that they can be heard through the walls. we know that the girl lives in a horrible home, that verbal abuse is still abuse and that action needs to be taken. this girl deserves so much better and i just want to go and give this girl a hug and let her know that things can be so much better.

the health visitor idea is a good one and i will definitely be calling her on friday after all the holidays are over. i think it's the safest thing for our family and the little girl.

OP posts:

NAB3lovelychildren · 30/12/2008 18:56

Please don't wait. I wouldn't bother with the HV. Ring the NSPCCC now or tell me who it is and I will ring them.

MsG · 30/12/2008 18:56

Oh, that sounds awful. I think the hv (I'm assuming that's health visitor?) is a good idea, so that someone else hears it. I think you do need to let someone know about it but I don't blame you for being frightened of the consequences. However, I think all things considered, you should act. Surely they don't have to find out you have done it?

MsG · 30/12/2008 18:59

I think the fact that CornBreadQueen has a 3-month old baby and fear of this couple finding out does make it a dilemma, to be honest. If they can talk to their daughter like that, it makes you shudder to think what sort of people they are.

It may well be worth phoning NSPCC at least for some advice.

Original poster

CornBreadQueen · 30/12/2008 19:04

gererationgap please imagine being in our shoes. please try to consider that these are very nasty people. we do know what action needs to be taken and this is the first step. we ARE doing something. some people wouldn't even blink at the situation and let it happen without even considering calling for help. please don't attack me on this as i am feeling absolutely horrible about it as it is. i wrote this post for guidance, not to be told that i'm not doing anything.

we've tried befriending them. the mum pretends to be very nice and always inquires on our lo when i see her in a store or when walking home. then 5 seconds after her door shuts we hear her screaming at the girl again. these are not people that i would like to make mad.

OP posts:

Pria · 30/12/2008 19:04

Corn- You are absolutley doing the right thing by letting this girls plight be known to agencies that can work together to protect her. These health/care agencies are obviously used to dealing with sensitive annoymous information. Make sure you have noted down the most serious instances, and if you can continue to do so, you are the eyes and ears in this situation and therfore fundamental to resolving the situation.

retiredgoth2 · 30/12/2008 19:05

....awful situation for you to find yourself in.

i fully understand your fears and concerns, in your place I would worry similarly.

....however, I think you have to act. The HV would not, I feel, offer any additional anonymity to you, as they have little or nothing to do with children of school age. the best they could do is pass the message on, and perhaps, sadly, you are best advised to call Social Services yourselves. This will not be risk free, but at least you can be sure that your concerns for the child and for potential retribution are passed on directly. I would also not hesitate to involve the police, if required.

...it is horrible for you to have to deal with this, but how much worse for the little girl?

Good luck.

27 · 30/12/2008 19:10

HV only deal with children up to 5, so that wouldnt be the best person to call.

I would call the social work child protection team about this, it sounds awful for the girl.

Original poster

CornBreadQueen · 30/12/2008 19:36

MrsG thank you for the post. have been feeling a little helpless with some of the posts that have come up and it's really nice to read that someone understands where i'm coming from.

just talked with my SIL and she's decided to call childhelp for us to determine the best course of action. that way it's an outside party offering advice on our behalf so that we'll know what course of action to take when the "what if's" come up.

OP posts:

nametaken · 30/12/2008 19:38

I would ring SS. Those of you who say ring NSPCC, what exactly would the NSPCC do?

Original poster

CornBreadQueen · 30/12/2008 19:40

again, just wanted to made it known that it's not a matter of should we do something, it's really about what should we do.

OP posts:

purepurple · 30/12/2008 19:49

phone the nspcc now and tell them your concerns
remember Victoria Climbie and baby P, children need our help

jennybensmummy · 30/12/2008 23:34

just wondering if it is worth asking the mum if she ever needs a babysitter so they can have a break as a couple, maybe then it will be obvious f they are just struggling and also its a way of saying that it sounds as if they are struggling etc??? though i do think a step further of social services is probably needed asap too it might take a while before they come and then its also showing you to be nice to the mum and less likely hopefully for a backlash for you and your family after social services are involved??

Original poster

CornBreadQueen · 30/12/2008 23:48

good suggestion jenny, although i believe they have broken up as the man who was living next door (not sure if he's the actual father but she calls him papa) has moved out. at least he's not there as often as he used to be and he's usually only heard in the mornings. it seems as if the mum has started screaming at the girl more often now that the father figure isn't in the picture as regularly. it used to be that they were screaming at each other and now it's just the mum having a go at the girl.

absolutely horrible situation anyway you look at it.

OP posts:

poetmum · 31/12/2008 00:32

Call. Keep a diary. Record. Report.

Child abuse is not okay - verbal, physical or otherwise! To do nothing is a be a silent partner.

I'd rather move than let some criminals make me cower. I really wouldn't want that karmic stain on my soul. Right action is right and infrequently convienent.

& not every child just copes.

Just to give you an artistic moment...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZyxYL753w4

Sorry - that's just my humble opinion. Everyone makes the best choices they can at the moment.

smudgethepuppydog · 31/12/2008 09:25

Call the Social Services on a 'What if' basis. That means that in the first instance you just give them the circumstances without having to give names or addresses you tell them what you want to tell them and they tell you what action they would take. You can then take it from there.

Please, don't just leave it. That child cannot make her own call, she needs someone to do it for her. If things are bad at home chances are she's 'known' to SS anyway.

Coldtits · 31/12/2008 09:32

Talk to the school. the school can contact the SS with their own 'concerns' which I am sure they have. Then the school may or may not inform her that it was they who cpontacted SS but the SS will tell her it was the school, and therefore she won't suspect you.

CrushWithEyeliner · 31/12/2008 09:42

I would call SS immediately, what you describe to this child is very serious indeed and can escalate very quickly.

I imagine the abuse in cases of baby P and the like, all started off with verbal abuse

Littlefish · 31/12/2008 09:43

Nametaken - the NSPCC are the only other agency who have the power to act and investigate in a similar way to SS.

orangehead · 31/12/2008 09:58

I would call social services straight away, no question. They cant inform them that you called. I think the case with deany, they probably just made an educated guess that it was them who reported them. But as this girl is school age, anybody could of reported them - school or other parents at school. Its possible they might already be known by social services if school have been concerned about the girls behaviour, but your information might help them fill in the gaps of what exactly is going on. Good luck, please ring

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 13:11

CBQ - any developments?

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