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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to call social services on my neighbour?

133 replies

CornBreadQueen · 30/12/2008 18:30

dh and i feel like we're in a very tough position and are to the point of really wanting to take action. we've been in our house for 8 months (in a very nice part of town btw). we live on a quiet street apart from our next door neighbours who we hear through the walls everyday. it's not just the normal banter, it's verbal abuse to each other and especially to the small child. she's a sweet girl who's around 5 or 6 and is rarely heard aside from the screaming and crying. we're hearing the mother and father scream and swear at her, threaten her with being hit (sometimes she says again), and just general nastiness.

it's just gone 6 and her mother is screaming at her to "get to sleep!" earlier this week we heard her mum scream at her that she didn't want her anymore, her father is always telling her to" f off" and "shut the f up". it's just horrible to listen to and we don't know what to do because the house on the other side of them is empty. we can hear them over the telly screaming at the moment.....

do we call someone, write a letter, let it go as it's not our affairs and don't have physical proof? anyone have suggestions?

OP posts:
NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 16:53

CBQ If you are not going to call today CAT me the details and I will ring. You don't have to worry about your family then as you won't be the one doing the ringing.

Having just read some of your OP, IT IS ALL OUR AFFAIR IF A CHILD IS BEING ABUSED.

CrushWithEyeliner · 31/12/2008 17:04

That is right MRSSB - it really could have been anyone who has come into contact with the child that could have reported.

Please come back to the thread OP

noonki · 31/12/2008 17:14

I was involved in a case of child abuse as part of my job that resulted in the death of a child.

During the inquest 2 different neighbours said 'Something should have been done it was going on for ages' and when asked who they had reported to they said they hadn't because they were scared.

imagine how scared the child was.

I don't often get annoyed as I have on mn but it is this sort of thing that results in child abuse being allowed to continue for ever.

You have a partner to help look after you that kid has no one.

LobstersLass · 31/12/2008 17:24

MrsSeanBean, I don't think it's unfair at all. CBQ is saying that she's concerned enough to start a thread on mumsnet, but relaxed enough about the abuse to make the child wait 5 days until CBQ gets around to calling the health visitor, who may or may not come on that day and may or may not be able to do anything. Quite frankly it's scandalous.

She should have done something about it today.

purepurple · 31/12/2008 17:28

OP PLEASE READ THIS POST AGAIN
I was involved in a case of child abuse as part of my job that resulted in the death of a child.

During the inquest 2 different neighbours said 'Something should have been done it was going on for ages' and when asked who they had reported to they said they hadn't because they were scared.

imagine how scared the child was.

I don't often get annoyed as I have on mn but it is this sort of thing that results in child abuse being allowed to continue for ever.

You have a partner to help look after you that kid has no one.

purepurple · 31/12/2008 17:30

OP noonki has a warning
OP PLEASE READ THIS POST AGAIN
I was involved in a case of child abuse as part of my job that resulted in the death of a child.

During the inquest 2 different neighbours said 'Something should have been done it was going on for ages' and when asked who they had reported to they said they hadn't because they were scared.

imagine how scared the child was.

I don't often get annoyed as I have on mn but it is this sort of thing that results in child abuse being allowed to continue for ever.

You have a partner to help look after you that kid has no one.

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 17:32

I have reported this thread as I can not stand the thought of that poor child having another day of being abused.

treewoman · 31/12/2008 17:38

Please do call NSPCC and social services. This sounds like a safeguarding issue and is worth investigating. It is a difficult thing to do but you sound concerned. You could protect yourself if someone was shouting at you in that way but a child cant. These parents sound like they could do with some support and education about childrens needs. It sounds like the problem needs to be addressed. The family arent able to at present so perhaps you can do it for them and for the little girl who is undoubtly suffering. Good luck.

KatieMorag · 31/12/2008 17:40

This is what I would do - I would call Social Services out of hours service tonight. I would not give my name and I would say I was a family member and not a neighbour. And not say anything identifying, like the age of my child.

I know you are saying the Social Services would respect anonymity but I would not take the risk. I can understand why the OP is scared

BlueSapphire77 · 31/12/2008 17:43

Hold on a minute jeez
Some people are going a bit (justified ok) over the top here.. no need to direct angry comments at the OP ok

She obviously needs to be supported to make this decision..if it was a child screaming in pain being beaten senseless i could see what the fuss is, the child is being SHOUTED at, ok, so calm down a little.

Offer to report on OP's behalf if need be but please understand for a mother to make a phonecall that could result in another mother losing her child must be very difficult, and people often balance this against the thought 'should i interfere, is the child REALLY being hurt, am i being over the top, ect'

As far as i was aware this is a SUPPORT forum
Obviously everyone is concerned but if it wasn't for the OP no one would even know about or be concerned about this girl.

Sensitivity and compassion .. please.

MorrisZapp · 31/12/2008 17:44

What will SS actually do with the information that some parents are shouting and swearing at their child?
I don't mean to downplay this child's suffering but in some places swearing at your kids is absolutely the norm and if we tried to remove all those kids we'd have to build a new city to house them all.
I saw that doc a few months ago about the children of heroin addicts, it was jaw dropping. We don't have the resources to remove and rehouse children in this country unless they are in immediate threat of death, and even then we dither about it.
I agree absolutely that this child should be made known to SS, but I don't understand what is meant by leaving her to suffer for one more day - even if the police and SS are alerted now this child has many days and probably years of suffering ahead of her. Her parents are horrible. I just wonder how realistic it is to imagine that an external agency can fix this child's life.

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 17:45

Oh shut up. This mother is being abusive to her child. If she was bothered about losing her child she should have looked after her better. It won't be the OPs fault if she does lose her child it will be the mothers for being a cow.

BlueSapphire77 · 31/12/2008 17:48

Not every parent knows how to parent effectively. It doesn't mean they don't love their kids. Not everyone had a positive role model as a parent either.

and telling someone to shut up obviously means you are a reasonable person

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 17:52

So I am not reasonable because I think it is okay to fanny about about reporting abuse? Okay.

My mother had no clue and I was brought up in care. I am a mother and am trying my best. I would have been on the phone by now.

Why post on here asking for advice if you are not going to take the majority opinion?

BlueSapphire77 · 31/12/2008 17:53

I didn't say that it would be the OP's fault i said it may be a consideration for many in this situation. I have witnessed people shouting and swearing at their kids, and have stepped in, but not in a confrontational way.

I very much feel for the OP and hope she either does this herself or passes the info onto someone who will but she doesn't deserve some of the comments made on here at all.

KatieMorag · 31/12/2008 17:53

NAB - you are being very agressive towards others who have a different opinion

MorrisZapp · 31/12/2008 17:55

People don't get their kids removed for being a cow. They get their kids removed if the kids are in immediate physical danger. Does anybody know of instances where shouty sweary parents had their clean, well fed and physically undamaged children removed?

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 17:55

I am not being aggressive at all.

MillyR · 31/12/2008 17:55

I used to work in a job where I would sometimes have to report parents to social services. I very much doubt that this girl is going to be taken into care tonight on the strength of one phone call describing verbal abuse. But social services will get involved, and that in itself could lead to an end to the abuse. Sometimes bad parents do change.

Phone social services or when you hear a loud disturbance, phone the police. If they come round and threaten you, phone the police. If you are threatened by them as a result of reporting them to ss and the police do nothing about it, I would contact a national newspaper, because that is one very topical story.

You must do something.

BlueSapphire77 · 31/12/2008 17:58

I didn't say that. I am sure you would have been on the phone by now.

Just a thought, if you tell adults to shut up, do you speak to your kids like that? Thats emotional abuse. Just thought you should know.

I and you and many other mothers had parents without a clue and we are all 'doing our best' it is all that can be expected of us.

I commend you in that you would have picked up the phone right away and reported this.
I am simply saying some people are not as 'brave' ? If thats the right word, or have the courage of their convictions, and some people have other considerations. Hoping for the best or for someone else to report it first might not be the right thing in your book or indeed mine, but the OP has a right not to be ripped into. Its support she was on here looking for.

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 18:01

OMG are you for real?

I said shut up as I am frustrated at this poor child living like this and sick of people almost condoning it or at least not facing up to the potential seriousness of the situation. If I was in this position and reported it I would not be being brave I would be doing myh moral duty. Just as the op knows she should.

If people are laying into the OP it will be through frustration. She has the chance to help a child who is having a crap time and she is doing nothing.

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 18:02

And don't you dare start telling me what abouse is. I know, I have bloody lived it thank you. Why do you think I am trying so hard to save this poor child?

MorrisZapp · 31/12/2008 18:07

Save this poor child? All we know at present is that her parents shout at her a lot. By all means inform the authorities, but it's not clear in what way you imagine this will save her - and from what exactly.

chocolateteapot · 31/12/2008 18:10

The OP has a small baby, it is a time when you do feel incredibly vulnerable. She knows she needs to do something and will, it's just finding the way to do it.

If it were me I would go with Katie Morag's suggestion of ringing Social Services posing as a concerned family member this evening. Then follow this up with the school on Monday who probably as Coldtits suggested, giving them a diary of what you have heard.

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 18:11

She is being hit and shouted at regularly iirc.

i think i will leave this now. I refuse to be called on what i am posting.

some people would have given everything for someone to just make that one call