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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to let my ex see the children this Christmas

103 replies

gemmydingdongbell · 23/12/2008 21:19

Ex hasn't been interested in or seen the children for months. He's missed birthdays, most access visits (arranged informally) doesn't phone or return calls.
However, a few days ago he has been calling frantically wanting to come for a day over Christmas (more so the day itself) to see the children saying that he has changed.
I've refused as I don't believe him and don't want him to ruin things. yet I still feel strangely guilty.
So aibu?

OP posts:

TheWizardofOz · 23/12/2008 21:21

Yes.

Desiderata · 23/12/2008 21:22

Yes, you're being unreasonable.

Parents must always put their personal feelings aside for the better good of their children.

If you want to be a good parent, you have to invite him.

hollyivypoppy34 · 23/12/2008 21:23

yes and what desiderata said

jenniebee · 23/12/2008 21:23

possibly?do the kids want to see their dad?

CoteDAzur · 23/12/2008 21:23

YABU. You owe it to the children to maximise contact with their father, not minimise it because of your past grievances.

ChasingSquirrels · 23/12/2008 21:24

I would arrange something, but it probably wouldn't be on xmas day - presumably you already have plans at this stage.

snope · 23/12/2008 21:24

he has made the effort give back ur heart-cant translate it from my language.

Kristingle · 23/12/2008 21:26

i can understand why you are pissed off with him

i woudl let him see teh kids but not not on Chrtsimas day , as you will alreday have plans

dittany · 23/12/2008 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsPontipine · 23/12/2008 21:27

I'm afraid to say yes I think yabu. As it's Christmas he deserves a chance (how many have you given him?) and again also as it's Christmas your dc deserve the chance to see him.

Could you arrange it but not let on to the children? Therefore if he doesn't turn up it's not going to be so upsetting to them. Also - once more - as it's Christmas - if he does let you (and them) down then he would have to work an even damn damn sight more to deserve any more faith from you in the future.

Original poster

gemmydingdongbell · 23/12/2008 21:28

No, the children don't want him to come as he's let them down so much (I concealed as much as I could from them).
One of my children says they will refuse to open presents in front of him.
I have tried to maximise contact and he hasn't been interested.

OP posts:

moondog · 23/12/2008 21:29

Fuck him/I wouldn't accommodate him seeeing as he has let them down so much.Men like this need to learn that rights come with responsibilities.

Original poster

gemmydingdongbell · 23/12/2008 21:29

He has had many many chances. Was supposed to pop to see us on Fri with some sort of peace offering...but he didn't come and wouldn't explain why.
I'm frankly tired of him hurting us all.

OP posts:

dittany · 23/12/2008 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lou33 · 23/12/2008 21:32

actually, having an exh who does precisely this , and does ruin things, i can see why the op doesnt want him about

it depends on the age of the kids, and if they have expressed an opinion though, as well as if he is expecting to play happy families or see them on his own

i wouldnt agree to letting him see them on xmas day though

as far as i am concerned i am putting my kids first, because of the angst they go through wondering if he will indeed turn up for visits, and the stress it causes myself, wondering if he is going to start in front of them

they are far more settled when he doesnt try and sporadically "play dad" as he calls it

NotPlayingAnyMore · 23/12/2008 21:36

I'm going against the flow and saying no, YANBU.

If he's let you down this much in the past and only recently, chances are he'll build up your kids' hopes only to dash them the on the day itself. Instead, he needs to spend next year proving himself to your kids and then maybe he can be trusted with Christmas 2009, but this also need you to give him the opportunity to truly change.

GoodWilfToAllMN · 23/12/2008 21:36

Tough call. I would tell him exactly when he can turn up but not tell the kids.

Maybe he has changed. They would want that, and if they would want to be proven he has, you should to .

Be the dignified one, as I'm sure you already are by the sound of it. But expect little.

MotherChristmas2OliverJames · 23/12/2008 21:50

My XP was violent and manipulative and atm he has bail conditions that say he isnt allowed to come near me but i am putting my feelings aside and letting him see DS (with a LOT of people there for safety) because it is about DS not about me, and he loves his daddy.

abbierhodes · 23/12/2008 21:51

I wouldn't allow him to come christmas day, but maybe do what goodwilf says, so you can give him a chance without getting their hopes up.
He should not be allowed to stroll in and out of your children's lives as he chooses.

hatwoman · 23/12/2008 21:56

the bottom line is that it should be up to the kids. this isn;t about what you or ex want/feel is right/fair - it's about the kids. they sound old enough to express on opinion and, within reason, it should be respected.

lou33 · 23/12/2008 21:58

my exh has been reported to the police fro harrassing me, and on friday just gone was told to make no direct or indirect contact with me, or he risked being arrested

yet he still felt the need to ask the kids to ask me when he can contact them ( he copied an email to dd1 and dd2)

my kids love their father too, but they arent seeing him because he does not know how to behave and they think he is a drunk, and that is my way of putting my kids first

scrooged · 23/12/2008 22:02

I can understand that you want to protect your children from him, however, if they don't learn that he's useles for themselves then they will always ut him on a pedestal and worship his crapness. They may see it as you keeping him from them and the resentment will build up. I'm a single mum with a crap ex too, he moved away and see's ds once a year. I don't say no, as much as I want to as it is not my place. Whether I like it or not he's ds's father and ds has the right to see him. He knows his dad's crap so doesn't ask about him unless ds wants something.

Jenbottleofeggnog · 24/12/2008 11:10

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If he's changed, he can start regular visits in the new year working towards building a better relationship with the kids for Christmas 2009.

NotDoingTheHousework · 24/12/2008 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

findtheriver · 24/12/2008 11:23

YABU.

He may be your ex, but he isn't the kids' ex-father.

It isn't up to you to decide how interested he is/how much he loves his children etc.
The children have a right to see both their parents and you are wrong to want to deny them their rights.

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