in thinking that if it's generally accepted that the family is usually the best place to raise children....

[gabygirl]

...... (except in cases where there is serious abuse and neglect) when it comes to the care system, why so many people seem to abandon this principle when it comes to the issue of boarding school?

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this issue all morning. Last night I sat up until midnight watching that documentary on channel 4 about the boys who were abused at Caldicott. It stirred up so many sad feelings in me and made me cry. I felt so sorry for those men.

I went to boarding school myself at the age of 11 and although I wasn't sexually abused, I was so starved of intimacy and affection in my relationships for the next 5 years that it really affected my sexuality when I finally became sexually active at 15.

Did anyone else see it? The other thing that was sad about the film was the men's desperation to protect their parents against the knowledge that they'd exposed them to abuse, and in one case turned a blind eye to it even after they knew it had happened.

I don't think you can make such a broad, sweeping summary of boarding schools Xenia!

This does not sound like the boarding school I knew, Xenia. The girls had only limited pocket money (perfectly reasonable amounts) and very limited opportunities to indulge in underage sex and drugs. In fact, my objection to the place was more that they grew up too innocent for the real world.

But I still treasure the chance to cuddle my dcs every day, so agree with you in the main, just don't like these generalisations.

But I don't think on the whole it is a straight choice of daily vs boarding. Most kids at boarding school either have their parents out of the country, moving around a lot, unstable family homes (and there I agree if boarding school wasn't an option maybe a better deal could have been worked out), are too far away from a good school, or are there because of specialist provision and there is no closer option. Yes I went to school with some kids whose parents lived close enough for them to go as day children, or where there might have been alternatives, but not that many (the cost apart from anything else would discourage many parents). There are also the small breed of families who send their children to the "alma matter" just because it's tradition.

Many families are not in the happy position of having lots of really good schools on their doorsteps, and everyone can't live in London and be stinking rich.

Oh, and if you got caught smoking you were in serious trouble at my school (a point of some contention in the sixth form). Drugs meant suspension at the least. My cousins who went to a country boarding school from 11 always seemed very naive to me, as a Londoner I had much more access to most things at a similar age. Didn't stop me wanting to go away at sixth form though, but then I was seduced by the idea of all those boys (major downside of going to an all girls day school - knowing virtually no boys). Turned out they were mostly too small and too immature to interest me, but I did make lots of good friends.

Look, at the end of the day you send your kids to boarding school you are handing them over to other people and hoping for the best. It may well all work out, it may not.
Sometimes you have no real choices and you do what you think is best in the circumstances, as I have to say Xenia you did in going back to work at 2 weeks when other women would, and I am choosing my words carefully, disagree with you. Your choices to work long hours through their childhood may or may not have affected your children adversely, would they tell you? Would they like me, having a good relationship with their parents, feel it's done,a decision made for understandable reasons and as it wasnt hugely damaging it's best to just move on?

Blos, I wonder whether I am overly cynical, but at our school there was a network of systems for getting round school rules to which the teachers appeared oblivious. In fact there was a one case a network of actual hidden spaces (it was an old building) and some of the places we misbehaved in were handed down over generations of children- I have smoked in spaces amongst the roofs with names scratched into the lead from the 1940s.

The face we presented to teachers was only part of it frankly, as it would no doubt be the case at home as well, but really it was like two societies, and no-one in authority who knew you well enough to pick up on the nuances. May be other schools were different, may be schools now are different, but honestly, I dont really believe it. What would they actually tell you Blos? No matter how much we liked a teacher there were things you couldnt start to say.

Remember I am not saying I had a bad time, I didnt, some of it was fantastic fun, dangerous often but hugely enjoyable. I made a few very close friendships, the sort that come through a profound shared experience. What I am saying when I say I wouldnt want to board my kids is I wouldnt want to be in my mum's position; having lost control/guidance so completely over my kids at 13 (more completely than she knew I suspect).

Incidently we were out at dh's work xmas dinner tonight, and several G and Ts into the evening and some poor random woman who I dont know was pigeonholed by me and subjected to a blow by blow account of this debate. And it is now midnight and Dh has given up on me and gone to bed. I. Must.Step.Away.

Oh I agree with you Cath, I wouldn't want my children away from me, for my own sake. I can see how much my sister misses her middle son, and he is only a weekly boarder (and boarding has been a good choice for him).

I do find it funny how I can get into such passionate arguments about things that in "RL" I don't in general think about very much, and certainly don't spend much time talking to other people about - for example of my current network of friends and colleagues, I have no idea who went to what sort of school, except those who I was involved in recruiting, as the name of the school is on the application form (not that this would tell you if they boarded or not). Of course this is partly because through circumstances I am a SAHM right now, with two school aged children, so I have to have discussions somewhere!

Message withdrawn

I wouldn't want to send mine to boarding school but I can see that in some circumstances it would be the best option. I was surprised at your damning, summary, Xenia and I am sure that you do a similar write off on state comprehensives! I could let rip on your holy cow of the selective, independent, single sex day school-but I won't-I'm sure some of them are very good.
You can't lump schools together-you get good, bad and indifferent in every category. Some people have family circumstances where boarding is the best option. My cousin went to live in a part of the world where primary education was OK but at secondary level DCs were sent back to the UK to board. They didn't want to do this, but they couldn't sacrifice their DCs future with a totally inadequate secondary education so they changed jobs and moved to a country with a good education record so they didn't have to send them away and moved back to place A, once they had left school. Not everyone has easy, clear cut decisions to make in life.