in thinking that if it's generally accepted that the family is usually the best place to raise children....

[gabygirl]

...... (except in cases where there is serious abuse and neglect) when it comes to the care system, why so many people seem to abandon this principle when it comes to the issue of boarding school?

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this issue all morning. Last night I sat up until midnight watching that documentary on channel 4 about the boys who were abused at Caldicott. It stirred up so many sad feelings in me and made me cry. I felt so sorry for those men.

I went to boarding school myself at the age of 11 and although I wasn't sexually abused, I was so starved of intimacy and affection in my relationships for the next 5 years that it really affected my sexuality when I finally became sexually active at 15.

Did anyone else see it? The other thing that was sad about the film was the men's desperation to protect their parents against the knowledge that they'd exposed them to abuse, and in one case turned a blind eye to it even after they knew it had happened.

Exactly - and in some cases it's husband versus child and everyone loses.

The snobbery and tradition is certainly true of some schools Jujumaman. I know some very lovely non-snobbish Quaker boarding schools which would be what I would do if I had to send my dcs to boarding school. When I was at school (hothouse grammar state day school) one of the girls in my class was sent away to boarding school for a while for the awful reason that her mum was marrying again and wanted her out of the way. Luckily for her the school she was sent to was a lovely Friends' School and she came back two years later much happier and nicer (she had been a bit of a class bitch). This would not be the case with a lot of schools I can think of though....

"I would guess that people from strong, loving families come out of boarding school just fine (as of most situations)"

No - sorry, this is not true.

My family are very loving and very close. I'm 42, my sister is 45 and my brother is 40. We all talk to my parents every day or every other day. I actually talk to my mum two or three times most days and see her twice a week. I think my sister, my brother and I were damaged by being separated from my parents for months at the age of 11. Yes, I am 'fine' in the sense that I have a happy home life, good relationships and good self-esteem, but I went through a lot to get to this point. I think I was starved of real affection for long periods at a time when I was forming my identity as a young adult, and that this was harmful to me. #

People thrive INSPITE of these sort of experiences during their formative years, not BECAUSE of them.

I look at my own daughter who's 9 now, and can't imagine that I was sent away to school when I wasn't much older than she is now. I would never, ever willingly allow her to be separated from her family in that way during her childhood - separated not just from me and dh, but from her brothers and her extended family who she sees every week.

On the other hand it isn't untrue either. My dh is 47, my db 40, my dbil 45, his wife 43 and my sil 37. They all went to boarding school and they are fine, all of them, with good close marriages, close ties with their parents and fab kids.

You can only in this case talk about your experiences. All those people I've listed above and have known a long time don't feel damaged by boarding school and enjoyed their schooling; as do the kids I know who are at boarding school now.

It is interesting blos that you talk about children saying it makes no difference to their relationship with their parents- I was that child! I still am, I love them, I feel loved, I enjoy seeing them. I would have said exactly the same thing at that age.

It is looking back now that I realise after horrible homesickness I had to sort myself out and get on with it, and as a consequence of this, despite the fact that I still hugely loved my parents, I stopped needing them in the same way. As a consequence they stopped being a major influence in my day to day life and the choices I made. In a large part I suspect I dont want to be that parent.

Now I must bow out as my kids might as well be in boarding school if I spend any more time on this thread- thank you for thought provoking debate!

I'm interested in the argument put forward by scaryteacher at the beginning of the thread that weekending for years can have a dreadful impact on couples, often leading to divorce, which is why boarding is sometimes an option for some parents.

What do you think then, with that in mind, about the impact on children of seperations from their parents for many weeks on end?

I tend to think there is not so much difference, it's just that children don't have a voice in the situation, and can't get divorced!

I think parents are often (not always) right to put their relationship with one another above the relationship they have with their children.

I agree that parents have a right to preserve their relationship as a thing in itself seperate to being parents;

What I'm asking is why is it seen that not seeing your partner for 6 weeks can put a dreadful strain on a marriage and lead to divorce, but not seeing your PARENTS for 6 weeks or more when you're a child is expected to be without emotional consequence?

Because it is in the very nature of a child's relationship with his/her parents that he/should separate from them (albeit gradually) so that he/she can eventually live independently, and create a new family.

Whereas it is in the very nature of a couple relationship that they should do their utmost to remain together.

such an emotive topic - like many forces families, we face a difficult choice - either continue to move the children every 2 years so they never have continuity of education or schools; dh and I live apart during the week and he weekly commutes; or we go for the boarding option. There is never a perfect answer in these situations and not one that any forces family I know makes lightly. I would only consider boarding if it was a weekly one, but my dh is very relaxed about it: he loved his boarding school and said it gave him may many more opportunities than he would have done otherwise.

However, his relationship with his parents is polite but not warm. I wonder if it is the boarding or if they are cold people anyway - he's never been very interested in discussing it, and is much more loving and demonstrably affectionate with his children than his parents ever were with him.

But the point of childhood is that childhood prepares you to separate as an adult! I don't call Boarding School gradual...

Yes, childhood should prepare you to be fully separate as an adult. Separation should be complete at 18 - 18 is not the starting point as all too many parents seem to think these days.

sorry - I meant - continuity of education or friends.... this is taking a hard toll on my dcs at the mo - ds 1 and 2 are already on their 3rd schools and miss their friends terribly every time they or we move.

I think it is difficult for us to look at our parents' generation and to assess their warmth or otherwise towards their children in the context of boarding school since, in earlier generations, many parents who were not boarding school users were much more distant with their children than are modern parents.

sorry Anna that just doesn't answer the point at all about why it's seen as it should be emotional consequence-free to not see your parents for weeks on end but dreadful to a marriage.

Living at home until 18 does not imply seperation issues don't arise or are not catered for. I guess your child goes to some form of education - separation at an appropriate level while remaining in the care of a loving adult at home.

I think a three week separation is doable, and then there are half terms and holidays; and the holidays are long. You can also talk every day, and if possible, get to matches and things at weekends, so you see the dcs then. My dh's boss and his wife do this, and it works well for them and their kids.

When ds was at prep, and I was teaching, I dropped him off at 0750, picked him up at 1900 after prep, and there was Saturday school as well, so Sunday and 90 minutes in the evening was all I saw him for. He had exeats, and long holidays, where I got to spend time with him. Had he boarded there, I could have gone up to see him every day, as it was, we only saw each other for 2 hours a day in reality and Sunday. Boarding would not have made a huge amount of difference, apart from the commute I had to drop off, then get to my school, and reversing the process in the evening.

My dh did more canoeing, climbing and swimming than he ever would have done at home; and my nephew is doing more after school things as a boarder than are available at the local comp, and given his mum's nursing shifts and my dbs long hours.

You totally ignore of course the impact on the child of the parents divorcing and their home disappearing altogether. If a couple have kids, then obviously it's the whole family that are split, not just the parents. My Dad told me I was at fault for his adultery and if my parents separated and divorced, it would have been because I didn't go to boarding school, and my Mum didn't move with him as I went to comp. They eventually divorced when I was 24, and I still feel guilty at 42.

I think you are being a bit naive in thinking that parents don't discuss the boarding option with their dcs. I certainly have with mine, and explained why we are considering it as an option. Just because you are anti boarding doesn't mean that those of us who can see the advantages are unloving, draconian or lacking in communication skills.

Of course it answers the point: if you want your child to be able to live independently as an adult at 18, you must ensure that he/she has had adequate preparation to do so in every way (materially, emotionally, intellectually). Spending ever-increasing periods away from home as a teenager is quite a good way of doing this for some children to help them distance themselves from dependence on parents and family. This can include boarding school.

Spending long periods away from your DH/DW/DP is abnormal and will only distance you unhealthily from your partner, therefore potentially jeopardising your relationship.

You really cannot compare separation of couples and separation of teenage children from parents.

Sorry, gabygirl

You may have explained and I missed it - why did your parents send you to boarding school?

I'm going to be rude here and say any parent who blames their child for their separation is an arse.

It is never the child's fault, he or she should not be expected to be the glue that holds the marriage together and anyone who tells their child, that they are are responsible for the breakup for the marriage is an idiot and a liar.

But scary - if we're talking about parents divorcing because of seperations WHY is there no emotional cost to a child?? That's my point. Do you think there is an emotional cost to couples who are seperate, but not to children?

And in practice children don't have a voice, do they; childhood does not give you an equal voice, it just doesn't; they are not equipped or in a position to assert themselves; I have spoken to many, many people who did not tell their parents how they really felt. Children are very protective of their parents and want to spare them upset.

Children are adaptable and disempowered in this situation and any damage is not likely to be visible for some time. But of course you can compare the seperations - it is in fact harder to seperate as a child because you have a need for nurturing and unconditional love.

Adults also need nurturing and unconditional love - we all do, all our lives. In order to become fully functioning adults, able to nurture and love others, we need to separate from our parents and live alone before committing to a lifelong relationship with another human being. During that living alone period, we aren't abandoned to our own devices - but we distance ourselves from the protection of our families and by, crucially, feeling the lack of protection and nurture from our family, are able to understand our own, and other human beings', need for it - and hence learn to cherish and give love.

I disagree. Kids should come first.

I totally agree with you Anna. Where we differ is when, obviously. I don't agree that children have any developmental need met by living apart from their parents.

scarytacher
hubby was based at rooke to we did 2 stints there one from 79-82 and one from 89-92
we had a choice to send them to boarding school free or gratelly reduced it was,nt a option for me at all
as someone said it helps with becoming gradulaly an adult is,nt that at puderty !! not a say 5 years
being a naval wife i,loved husband more than anything but i,d rather him be away than my kids !! as i knew he was a sailor before i married him i could,nt go a day without them escpicaly while they are young its bad enough with my daughter being away and she,s 25 lol