in thinking that if it's generally accepted that the family is usually the best place to raise children....

[gabygirl]

...... (except in cases where there is serious abuse and neglect) when it comes to the care system, why so many people seem to abandon this principle when it comes to the issue of boarding school?

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this issue all morning. Last night I sat up until midnight watching that documentary on channel 4 about the boys who were abused at Caldicott. It stirred up so many sad feelings in me and made me cry. I felt so sorry for those men.

I went to boarding school myself at the age of 11 and although I wasn't sexually abused, I was so starved of intimacy and affection in my relationships for the next 5 years that it really affected my sexuality when I finally became sexually active at 15.

Did anyone else see it? The other thing that was sad about the film was the men's desperation to protect their parents against the knowledge that they'd exposed them to abuse, and in one case turned a blind eye to it even after they knew it had happened.

Friends of mine were planning to send their children to board weekly as teenagers as they both work long, unpredictable hours. But when it came to it they realised how much they'd miss out.

Mind you, they've now split up, so either parent sees less of the kids. Hey ho.

Arguing about money or indeed class, is not the point. Money as we know is no indication of childhood happiness and there are many different types of boarding school serving different sections of the population (for what is worth I taught for 2 years in an african state school serving poor village communities. It had to be boarding as there was no way the kids could have got home daily or even weekly - no money for transport and the roads were awful).

It seems sensible to say; ideally keep your kids with you. If you dont have that choice because of circumstances and some really dont, then pick your school very very carefully. And keep close tabs on your kids and be prepared to change your circumstances if you need to. My sister came over to the same school 3 years behind me. In the end my mum came back to live in UK for her 6th form and moved her to a state school where she did very well.

Bloss you sound like a good teacher, you sound like you would be a lovely houseparent but surely even you would say those kids would be better off at home if their circumstances allowed it. Do you not see anything odd in parents choosing to send kids if there are good alternatives? Do you think boarding a positive experience that all children should experience? Do you subscribe to the toughing up point of view? Do you think being away from home has no consequences at all emotionally? Did you board yourself?

I ask genuinely, not having a go. I have also dealt with children as a teacher in a state school who needed huge amounts of guidance. You can do that without boarding.

scary teacher first and formost yes my kids stayed with me we went and lived in gibraltar for 6 year they came with us i had them i look after them as for my daughter who lives in london she,s 25 now she was very well enducated has masters etc i was so proud when she gratduated !!and works in london in a very good and well payed job it kills me and i miss her everyday she away although she comes home every weekend and we speak every single day sometimes twice and the good thing i can be with her in just a few hours i have 5 (3 still at home btw one lives down the road from me is married with my 2 darling grandchildren )children all togther and as i said i,d never send them away to boarding school i had them i look after them i have made them to be who they are not bloody boarding school and trust me loving them and keeping them close does make them into better adults in most case,s kids who are sent to boarding school normally end up sending there own kids to boarding school
i suspect if you did a pole the adult that got sent to boarding school as a child that were unhappy and felt unloved and cared for outweighs the one that felt loved etc noone else can love a child like there parents !!!

I think if there is a risk even 10% of children will hate boarding but not tell their parents that or even 5% are damaged by it then don't risk it unless your parenting at home is so bad boarding is a blessed escape. The ability to touch and cuddle them and even just look at them every day through their teens is very valuable and good for parents and children evene when they withdraw into themselves as teenagers.

I notice a distance between parents and children at boarding school. They know less about each other than eve those with teens at home. It's a more formal relationship and I don't like what I see of it. It shows a lack of closeness. Mind you my children's father decided to absent himself rom the older children's lives entirely when they were teenagers and even now so even if you keep them at home that doesn't mean one parent won't choose to go AWOL.

I think that's a good point Xenia - there is no guarantee that a child who lives in his/her parental home will be close to his/her parent(s), or that his/her parent(s) will pay him/her that much attention.

Sometimes getting away from your family can offer opportunities for a new look/appraisal of one another too. It is all too easy to live together by reflex rather than consciously. Time apart can help us be more conscious (and therefore closer) in our relationships.

Anna, surely a good, loving nanny who cares for just two or three children and has possibly known them for years is a better option than boarding school? At least then the parents are - with luck - around at bedtime, in the mornings,at weekends and as Xenia so rightly said they have a private family space to retreat to and be free of peer pressure. Though such nannies can be hard to find which is when the whole thing does become tricky.

What upsets me in the cases I'm thinking about is that the parents concerned are v materialistic, set great store on things like a fortnight in the Maldives at Christmas, and neither of them is prepared to earn less money to spend more time with their kids.

Ironically, one of the reasons they say they must work ludicrous hours is ... so they can afford to send their dcs to boarding school. It's a catch 22.

I think that's a very different situation from, say, a single mother obliged to work long hours to pay the bills and whose childcare options are really limited.

But then this becomes the old sahm vs wohm debate - should women not pursue careers so they can be available for their children at all times?

A friend of mine is at CLC and she loves it, she is completely secure in her relationship within the family and spends a lot of time with her parents in the holidays, she did ask to board though as her friends were staying there so maybe that's a large factor.

jujumaman - my DSSs' nanny has been with the family for 7.5 years. Everyone (she included) is desperate for it all to end - except DSSs' mother (nanny is very convenient for her). There is a point in life where the nanny who was appropriate for primary aged children just isn't the right person for budding teens.

Anna, I agree, the nanny we had when my dd1 was a baby was no longer appropriate when she was a toddler even ...

But are you saying your dsss would be better off at boarding school then? Or would another nanny who works better with teenagers be more appropriate?

No, the DSSs are going to spend (a bit) more time on their own. But since they spend 50% of their time at our house (where DP and I are always around), their mother is under pressure to arrange her work and social life around their absences. So slightly different set up.

Message withdrawn

How did you manage a 6 year posting...mind you 6 years on the Rock would drive me mad - going to stay with my parents when my Dad was at Rooke was bad enough to give me cabin fever! When were you in Gib?

We have to disagree about boarding school I'm afraid - both my db and my dh went, and they are lovely blokes and wonderful adults, so I don't agree with your analysis there. Both of them felt happy and loved when they were at school, and both have close and loving marriages now. Both my dbil and his wife went to board, and their kids go to comp - but that may be lack of finance or due to choice, I don't know.

Xenia - I have to disagree with you - I don't notice a distance between my brother and his lad who boards, and neither does my Mum who sees them regularly. I think it depends on how it is handled. My brother and his wife attend everything they can at his school, and when they can't, the maternal grandparents who live in the same town as the school go.

Bloss - great post.

I still can't understand how one can have a very close relationship with one's children if you send them away for weeks at a time.

However as mentioned earlier my partner adored boarding school and believes it gave him the best of both worlds, he does have a very good relationship with his parents and says he thinks boarding school had a lot of benefits for him.

He said that the pastoral care at his school was excellent and that is of extreme importance. He doesn't believe he's suffered any ill effects though I'm amazed that he wasn't at least traumatised by the ghastly uniform.

I'm not really helping my own argument here am i?

Well, it just isn't black and white...

The Navy used to send my dh away for months at a time with no communication at all, and our relationship wasn't any less close.

We all have areas of our lives that are different from our home life and that we don't share with the others in our families. I don't know everything that goes on during ds's school day, or dh's workday; that doesn't mean w aren't close. As long as you have an interest in what they do, and talk about the parts of it you can, then the closeness is maintained.

The only complaint I have about his boarding school experience is that he's a little too quick to grab food, at home anyway. Sometimes taking more than his share of food.

He said you learn to eat quickly and to hide food at b/s, or you'll lose the contents of your tuck box as soon as it's opened.

Surely these days you can talk to children at boarding school every day, anyway?

Boarding school must have been miserable in the days of the Empire, with letters taking months to arrive sometimes. The isolation must have been horrendous. With phones and emails though, it ought to be a completely different situation.

I know when my brothers first went to boarding school my mum wrote to them every day and we saw them every week. Perfectly possible to sustain a very close relationship like that.

My father went to boarding school when he was 7, and he stayed there for 10 months of the year as the school was 3 days' journey from home. His mother visited once in every ten months (she had three children in the same school).

He was very close indeed to his mother.

Of course it isn't black and white

I would guess that people from strong, loving families come out of boarding school just fine (as of most situations. Of course those families are less likely to send their dcs to boarding school unless circs are really pressing.

Whereas ones from less loving families are more likely to come out scarred as they will feel even less loved as a result of going away to school.

I just think so much of boarding school ethos is based in snobbery and tradition, not on what genuinely is in the best interests of the child.

That's true Katy, with the introduction of mobile phones and the internet it's certainly much easier to keep in contact.

My partner didn't see his parents all that often, about once a month I think, he could have possibly seen them a little more often, but said he was reluctant to go home because he was having so much fun.

Kathy not Katy sorry.

But some people JJM don't see that you could possibly be in a situation where circs are pressing - they'd rather you changed your job and your life to avoid sending the dcs to board.

Agree Scaryteacher, people have to recognise that. Only you as a family can know if boarding school is in the child's best interests or being done for reasons of expediency.

It's like the argument that always goes on here about we're struggling to survive on say, 50,60,60 grand a year - people say don't be ridiculous, sell your home, move out of London but often the consequences of such upheaval would be devastating.