Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want nieces/nephews to visit newborn

141 replies

SalBySea · 15/12/2008 16:44

hi, I am pregnant with my first child and I am just wondering if this is a normal/reasonable concern or not:

Our nieces/nephews are in nursery and reception. I dont think that they should visit our baby until its a few weeks old and has build up a bit more of an immune system. Am I being over protective? If you think I'm reasonable, what's the most diplomatic way to say this to families, dont want them thinking that I think their kids are sickly, lurgy ridden things with cooties.

OP posts:
kerala · 15/12/2008 19:13

Grrr this talk of visiting new babies makes me cross as my ILs turned up (BOTH TIMES) the day after I got out of hospital and expected me to have a full cooked lunch laid on. DD2 was 5 weeks early and they still did it. I was BF and I heard MIL say in a put out way "we had to get our own drinks".

Sorry - digression.

Blandmum · 15/12/2008 19:13

It has been estimated that our immune systems 'meet' up to 2000 challenges to us each day.

all very normal.

Just think about it, the walls of the vagina are positivly teaming with good bacteria. and the babies meet those, on the exit from the womb.

Blandmum · 15/12/2008 19:15

If you don't want them to come because you'll be knackered/ want time with your newborn, fair go. But you can't really justify it on medical grounds.

CrushWithEyeliner · 15/12/2008 19:16

I was like you.

I don't think YABU at all. I held off visitors for as long as poss and never passed around DD like pass the parcel. I was highly criticised for it but it was right for me/us.

Original poster
SalBySea · 15/12/2008 19:17

"Tbh you seem determined to pick holes in every suggestion or experience posters have put forward.

Is there more to this than meets the eye?"

I think that this is unfair and suggests to me that you have not read the whole thread

I posted the topic because I already had a suspician that it might be OTT to ask them to stay away and when the replies were unanimous I decided not to do so, jez! How is picking holes in every suggestion to agree that they are prob right and say that I have decided not to ask them not to come after reading and taking on board the posts?

OP posts:
deepinlaundry · 15/12/2008 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spicemonster · 15/12/2008 19:32

I would say no one other than immediate family for the first week (do you have family you like beyond your DH? I mean them). As for the rest of them, tell them they can come for lunch. You can get your DH to do pizza and bag salad (actually they can do it).

Small babies are awake for tiny amounts of time - they're either feeding or sleeping. You are perfectly within your rights to disappear off to feed and then sleep while your baby is sleeping. So you see them for an hour or so, disappear off with the baby and then it will no longer be your problem how long they stay.

I am of the firm belief that no visitor should stay more than an hour when visiting a 1st newborn but I got fed up with the outstaying welcome mob so advise being quite dictatorial in a passive aggressive manner

Original poster
SalBySea · 15/12/2008 19:32

I never said I minded exposing it to either at that point, I'm sure the pool will be full of toddlers. My OP was only ever about when it is brand new and just outta hospital

OP posts:
poinsettydog · 15/12/2008 19:37

I think you are bein g very over protective.

Myrrhcy · 15/12/2008 19:43

I have read the thread (in between dealing with 2 dc so perhaps not so thoroughly) In fact I said it was a normal concern.

I don't want to argue with or upset anyone who is pg but I still think you are over-reacting.

You could just tell your dp/dh to deal with the family or tell them that the midwife/GP said no visitors who have a cold should visit.

Are the nieces and nephews yours or dp's?

MummyGorilla · 15/12/2008 19:43

Sal, I think you are right to think about it, esp if you can't trust visitors to not turn up with bugs or poorly children. A lot of the people posting on here have more than one child, so perhaps view things differently. But when you have your first, it is so new, and so overwhelming, you don't want any additional stresses. And if having a three year old leaning over the cot will mean you'll wake up at 3am in a cold sweat and checking your newborn for signs of illness, then make them wait a week.

I don't think it is at all unreasonable to ask people to visit without their kids in the first week, or to wait until you are over the birth and settled.

ggirlsbells · 15/12/2008 19:46

save this thread for the few weeks after your 2nd child is born

you will larf!!

Original poster
SalBySea · 15/12/2008 19:50

"Are the nieces and nephews yours or dp's?"
They're his. He was 100% on the not having them visit when its brand new when we discussed it, I was not so sure although I also felt uncomfortable about it so though I'd ask on here before he went ahead and banned them. I just didn't know what was normal or reasonable. I am used to toddlers and kids and teens but have no experience whatsoever with very newborn babies so didnt know what was normal and reasonable or how strong they are or arent. I know that kids need to be exposed to stuff but wasnt so sure about the brand spanking new babies - but I know now, thankyou

OP posts:
hollyivypoppy34 · 15/12/2008 19:54

agree re yabu as newborns are robust esp if bf but yanbu if you want a bit of peace for abit from visitors when the lo arrives

Original poster
SalBySea · 15/12/2008 19:56

ggirlsbells if I have a second I will know what to expect. We will already have been parents to a new born so I'm guessing it prob wont be as much of a massive concept to get used to. If we had an older kid we'd prob be grateful of their cousins comming round to play with them but we dont and I dont know what's so hillarious about wanting time alone to get used to the concept of being mum and dad before presenting our brand new family to the masses. I've never held ANYONES new born before and neither has DH so it will be a really big thing for us to get used to

OP posts:
MummyGorilla · 15/12/2008 19:59

OP - trust your instinct. If you can't rely on your BIL/SIL not to turn up with ill kids, make them wait. And don't pass the baby round if you think there are bugs about! S/he will generally be feeding or asleep at that age.

Young babies are vulnerable. I'm of the view that it is best (for mum & baby) to stay in for a week or two (like in the old days...). But that is definitely a minority view on here!

Do what feels right to you. You don't have to ban the children in advance, see how you, and they, are in the few days after the birth - you might end up having no visitors at all so it doesn't arise, or you might be tired so can say in all truth that you can't cope with boisterous toddlers for a week or so.

Blandmum · 15/12/2008 20:03

There is nothing wrong with wanting time alone with your newborn and his/her dad.

But there is no medical need to do this.

And yes, if you have another child you will have a better grasp of the reality of the situation. Which is what people with more than one child are telling you. And you are chosing to ignore their advice.

Which is your right.

Even if you are wrong.

MummyGorilla · 15/12/2008 20:04

And good luck! When are you due?

benandoli · 15/12/2008 20:07

you need to get over yourself and toughen up

Santaisfeelingfunnypeculiar · 15/12/2008 20:09

Think you're clear on the bugs thing, so won't labour that point I do have some sympathy - it can be tough having your house full of guests when you're struggling with a new baby - and your BIL & SIL will hopefully remember this.

I think what you need to do is split out all the various issues you are dealing with & come up with solutions you are happy with ... then communicate (or better still, get your dh to communicate all of this stuff.
So, for example:

  1. You want a few days with just you, dh & the baby - grandparents welcome, others, please wait for a while
  2. All visits need to be agreed in advance - say you're going to limit yourself to (say) one set of visitors a day. Assuming that your neices & nephews can only come at weekends (if the husband will be driving), you can probably easily buy yourself a few weeks by saying that you've already got visitors planned for the ifrst few days they give you - so you might make it to three weeks anyway
  3. You make it clear that you won't be providing meals - either people bring their own, or you provide directions to local pub/restaurant etc.
  4. Stock up on biscuits etc Put on plate, show people the kettle. Deny all responsibility for anything else.

If you are really keen to avoid colds etc, then I would consider a white lie in which you are particularly run down, & your doc says that you are to be careful of any bugs - even things that would normally be quite minor. Explain this to anyone who is going to visit with regret - it's not YOUR choice, but the docs recommendation...

If you tell people some of this now, they can start preparing for it & getting their heads round it

Original poster
SalBySea · 15/12/2008 20:11

martianbishop I'm getting a bit fed up with you. How exactly am I ignoring advice when I have already said (over and over) that I have taken it on board and am going to act on it (by telling my DH not to tell his siblings to visit without their kids for the first few weeks)? I posted because I didn'tknow whether it was okay for newborns to be visited by lots of nursery kids and I found out that its not a problem so have (many posts ago) dismissed that idea and have moved on to admitting that really I'm more worried about being bombarded by lots of demanding visitors which many of the posters say is not unreasonable so who exactly am I ignoring?

Are you just out to argue for arguements sake because your latest post does not relate to my posts?

OP posts:
Blandmum · 15/12/2008 20:24

was responding to your post of 19.13.

whatever

WinkyWinkola · 15/12/2008 20:27

Sal, on MN you'll see that there a few things you are simply not allowed to have a difference of opinion about.

One of these is precious first baby syndrome. For this you are mocked, jeered and sneered at.

Another is how soon you allow visitors after you've had a baby. Sometimes it seems that even before 3rd stage, you are unreasonable if you do not allow both sets of GPs into the labour room.

I wouldn't take any of it seriously.

WalkingInAWonderStuffingLand · 15/12/2008 20:29

Santa has good advice
Just wanted to add I had never held a newborn before I had dd and I was worried about it, spent the first night in hospital awake, worried about putting her down But really I found that because she was mine it was fine and I didn't really worry about holding her or changing her after that first night (did take me 2 weeks to get up the courage to bath her though! Anyway you do get used to them really really quickly. Good luck, I'm sure you'll be a fab mum x

mm22bys · 15/12/2008 20:31

YABU, get them to wash their hands, and if you bf, the baby will get a lot of your immunity.

You and your baby will come into contact with a lot of "nasties", are you going to stop everyone else who works or uses public transport from seeing your baby too?