to feel horribly jealous of my friend's perfect birth?

[coveredinsnot]

Ok, this might be a complete over reaction, but it was a strong enough reaction to stop me eating my lunch and get out for a bracing walk... Anything that stops me eating is usually serious

My friend had her baby yesterday, a water birth at hospital with only gas and air. While I am honestly, truly over the moon for her, I can't help but feel horribly, heartachingly, disgustingly jealous. I had longed for such a birth throughout my pregnancy, but ended up with a very traumatic experience in which neither my midwife nor partner really spoke to me for the majority of my labour, baby was posterior so labour was very painful and slow, I couldn't have an epidural and ended up having an emergency caesarean after over 20 hours of hard labour. After baby was born I didn't hold him for over 2 hours. It was horrible. I was drugged up for days afterwards and can't remember much about those early special days. I feel angry about my experience, but I'm even more angry that it's interfering with my ability to just feel complete happiness that a good friend hasn't had to go through such a trauma.

Is there something wrong with me, am I a cruel hearted bitch, or is this normal?

32+4, it's 8 weeks tomorrow since I was rushed to Liverpool in labour and I haven't really had a break since!

my labours were all fast and a piece of piss (RELATIVELY speaking. i still passed a baby through my vaginal passage ffs.) but hey, its luck of the draw, and i deserve to be naturally good at something.

BTW Tinsel, I spoke to a well respected obs at work [respected by me that is, and very senior too] she said that t section scar will be repeat section every time. It's their royal college guidelines so I think that ties their hands to a great extent. I asked as we had kinda looked at it on another thread. Not meaning to be nosey interferance

Sorry OP - hijacking queen tonight.

Thanks, I have always thought it would be the case but I'd just like someone to talk me through it to try and give me some control back - especially as a section possibly means a GA. I wonder how many people wouldn't be traumatised by being told you are going to be put under and this operation (whatever it is) performed on you even though you don't want it?!

tinsel - I think you should have that talk and you should persue your consultant who will be able to do that.

I visited PALS last time I was in and they're going to put me in touch with someone. We have to get across the "mental health" barrier first. The sympathetic head tilt whenever you try to talk about how you feel - I avoid using that word now! - or "I stubbed my toe" "how does that make you feel?" I need them to take my feelings seriously which they don't but at the same time do in the wrong way. PALS lady says she knows who will be able to talk to me about everything without treating me like a mental health patient. You get any type of mental health diagnosis and you suddenly lose every other aspect to your life, they treat you like an imbecile when it's actually proven that mental health problems are more likely to strike the intelligent

You must let me know how that goes.

Looked at RCOG guidelines myself. I think a reasoned discussion into pro's and con's of your situation should be feasable without the helth people getting a crick from all that tilting If you take a copy of the guidelines I'm sure they'll snap their heads up! guidelines only mention your scar type briefly.

According to the ladies at the Caesarian Org who I spoke to there are women who have successfully VBACed with that scar. The problem is it's so rare that VBAC is even rarer so they can't put figures on it. It's thought to be higher than a normal section but lower than a classic as it doesn't extend as far.

Have you got a link?

Page 4 mentions your scar and some stats.

www.rcog.org.uk/resources/Public/pdf/green_top45_birthafter.pdf

Doesn't read like a 'no never' to me but thats my interpretation only.

Hang on -

www.rcog.org.uk/resources/Public/pdf/green_top45_birthafter.pdf

It's done it again!!

There should be an underscore before and after top45

LOL it always does that to addresses that aren't linked. Thanks, I shall go and have a look at that.

190/10,000 rupture risk is actually a lot lower than the ladies at Caesarian.org thought it would be. It's only 0.019% I may have to mention this to my doctor...

190/10,000 rupture risk is 1.9% not 0.019%.

Yeah, just worked out what I did Even so it's a lot lower than I'd been told by people who thought I should try for it if I wanted it.

The success rate for VBAC is 72?76%. Risk of scar rupture in a normal VBAC is 0.74%. So the risk isn't that much higher and is lower than the failure rate of VBAC anyway. It's certainly rates that should be discussed.

Go for the deep unresolved stuff - have u thought of therapy instead (longer term and expensive I know but might be more helpful).

Nobody has perfect lives - who knows what's going on with your friend that you're not aware of, or indeed might happen with the future. You've got so much going for you you really have - you're on a hiding to nothing being jealous.

Tinsel, your birth experiences sound harsh. You have all my empathy, sympathy, whatever I can give you. I hope this next one works out much better. That sounds a bit lame, but you know what I'm trying to say.

And lilolil... I am in counselling, and there is NO WAY I would EVER EVER dream of harping on about my birth experience to anyone, particularly my friend who is basking in the glow of a great birth and a wonderful babymoon. I think one of the very reasons I've been so petrified of labour and birth is because of all the horrible stories that I was told so many times before I even got pregnant. Whilst pregnant, people seemed intent on telling me their awful experiences. It's almost like people wanted to wind me up. It was a pain in the arse trying to block all that out, and really, I couldn't. I was aching for a positive birth story, but they were thin on the ground. Maybe because they're so rare, or because women who are fortunate enough to have a great time don't want to go on about it (understandable, given this thread!!). I think people often find it easier to complain than boast, part of our culture particularly in this country I think.

Anyway, I can't begin to write a half decent response to all your posts, all I want to say is THANKS again, and keep the conversation going. And hijackers, please hijack away, that's what a conversation is all about!! This thread is helping me massively, it's wonderful. All you women are wonderful, writing such thoughtful, intelligent and caring responses. If only I'd known about mumsnet before!! Oh well, better late than never...!

And yes, I do think trauma sufferers do need therapy/ counselling/ whatever to go over and over the story again in order to fully process it. I do think the memories kind of get stuck in a loop somewhere in some neural waiting room, popping up into consciousness when you least expect them to. That leads you to feel out of control (well, it does me!), hence the anxiety. In my mind, the anxiety that goes with any experience, be it labour, or reliving traumatic memories, comes from feeling out of control. So... the lack of control in how the memories appear only serves to trigger a sense of anxiety as well. I hope that makes sense. It's (in my mind) kind of like a double anxiety - the unpredictability of the memories + the shit memories themselves = total horribleness (that's my scientific equation ).

I'll second that, i wish i had known about mumsnet after i had dd, it would have helped massivly!!

coveredinsnot, I'd ask your GP for a referal to mother & baby and get councelling through a doctor or nurse there as you're going to need a lot more on going than you can get from a councellor. I've been under the local M&B for 18 months, I've either been every week or every other week (illness and holidays aside).

Thank you for the sympathy and empathy, I wasn't fishing for it BTW just trying to use myself as an illustration.

I'm with you on wishing I'd found MN sooner! When I think of everything I went through in the first six months that I didn't have anyone to talk to about, even after I found MN I couldn't use it as much as I would have liked as I didn't have a PC for awhile. I wish I'd been able to talk about some things sooner.

Thanks Tinsel. I know you weren't fishing!!

I've found a place that does ongoing counselling for £10 a session locally, I know if I went through the NHS it would be time limited, so I think I will have to pay. We are really skint, but I think it's important to get this all sorted out. Hopefully we can just about afford that. Anyway, I saw my counsellor yesterday and it was really useful, I told her about my reaction to my friend's birth announcement, and it was like a previous poster said, we spent very little time talking about that and instead talked more about family history etc, which I guess is what happens with things like this. It was helpful to put my feelings of jealousy in context, and understand why simply feeling jealous is hard work if you see what I mean.

Hi - I'm really really pleased you had a positive visit yesterday. Also that you have found a local session at £10. That might work out really worth it and a fantastic long term investment.

I think sometimes the NHS can carrry on with the councelling if you pick up the private fee's.

Yes I think they can but private fees are well out of my league at the moment. I think the combination of counselling and all you lovely ladies on mumsnet should set me straight!! Feeling much more hopeful now.

Yay!

I'm so glad. MN has really been my therapy, too. It helps so much to read other women's stories and know you're not alone.