To ask someone to move on the bus and not expect to have 3 people have a go?

[Sufi]

Got on the bus this afternoon with buggy and DS1 (who is 12 months). It was busy but not too bad, and I'd let another bus go by already as it was full. I also waited for a buggy/wheelchair friendly bus, where you're allowed up to 3 buggies, and checked before I got on there was room (there was: there was one other buggy on board).

The flip-up seats were occupied, so I politely but firmly asked a man if he would move so I could get the buggy in. He got up, I thanked him and explained it was so that I didn't leave the buggy in the gangway, blocking everyone getting on and off.

After 20 mins, this man tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'you don't have the right to do that, you know'.

I said, 'do what?'. He said, 'you should have folded your buggy up and you were really rude to me.'

I said sorry, but said (and I was being quite feisty at this point), have you ever tried holding a 1 year old on a moving bus and folding a buggy down? I only did it once and nearly dropped DS1. He then got really irate and said I was really rude and that he had back cancer.

So I immediately apologised - I was bloody mortified - but he was getting off the bus. A woman next to me said I was rude and I should have folded the buggy down, and then this other man laid into me, saying I was rude and a bitch and a bad person.

I was - am - so upset. I just started crying, was so mortified. Of course I'd never ask ANYONE disabled or ill or whatever to get up. but I didn't know. I just asked this man if he would move.

So now I'm worried that I am rude, that I said it in a rude way. I can be quite forthright and maybe that's what they all meant by rude.

Some other people (women) told me not to worry but I couldn't help thinking it was my fault and I've been crying for about an hour. I'm also deeply ashamed and am worried about getting back on the bus again.

Was I wrong - seriously, was I? Is it unreasonable to ask someone to move away from the disabled/buggy area so you can get on the bus? I really can't start folding the pram down, it's just too dangerous. I feel like absolute c**p and never want to get on the bus again.

I don't think you did wrong to just ask. He could have said no and explained himself straight away - he didn't have to wait and do a passive-aggressive number on you.

The toss-pot bandwaggoners are just beyond belief ... you see it in other places too ;)

If there were seats elsewhere, then no, you were not unreasonable at all. And if he was in pain and needed to stay sat, then he could have told you that at the time you asked if he could move.

Keep getting on the bus, and just use the broken record technique with rude people - 'This area is marked for wheelchairs and buggies. Therefore I, and my child are using it' - don't get angry, or make apologies as it just gets people being worse.

My grandmother used to ram people in the ankles if they were in the way of the wheelchair spaces - but she'd had a lifetime of assisted mobility to get really feisty

What exactly did you say when you politely but firmly asked him to move so you could get your buggy in?

I said, 'excuse me, would you mind moving so that I can get the buggy in?'

I said it in a polite way, but I can be quite firm and that sometimes gets people's backs up. The thing is I'm not that used to standing up for myself but since becoming a mum (in fact, when pregnant) have realised that people will happily watch me struggle. So I asked, but now I don't know if the asking was rude, or whether it was the way I said it, IYSWIM.

I would say YANBU on our local buses on either side of the bus at the front is spaces for buggies and wheelchairs and then the 2 front double seats are for the elderly and those less able to stand.

If the guy really did have back cancer then he could have said no to you, he didn't have to get up, he could have explained his situation, rather than wait so many minutes later and have a go.

Message withdrawn

nah dont worry you sound like you asked nicely and had everyright to ask. If he didnt want to move he shouold have said so. And the others are just a bunch of idiots. I really dont mind driving now.

It's probably small kids + elderly + disabled, and he may well be registered disabled, you don't know. BUT he should have spoken out at the time - not waited.

Yanbu.

Oh Sufi, I have just read you message and I feel really sorry for you. I don't think you deserved all of those horrible people laying in to you.

What an idiot that man was to wait 20 minutes to have a go, and the rest of them who laid into you were bullies. If the man was in pain he should have said so at the time when you asked him to move.

I know how difficult it is to get around with a pram and people are so ignorant and no-one ever helps.

So just forget them, they clearly have nothing better to do in their lives than be horrible to a mother with a baby.

Have a glass of wine and don't give them another thought.

I was just so shocked how the two other people laid into me - I couldn't believe it. DH said why didn't you have a go back, but I was too shocked and then upset. It was being called a 'bad person' and this man hissing at me to shut up when it feels like my whole sodding life is about trying to make other people happy, giving to charity, doing the bloody recycling, being kind to my neighbours, and the fact that I would NEVER ask someone to move if they needed the seat. I might be a gobby cow but to be called a bad person by someone who doesn't know me? Why did they feel it was OK to judge me like that?

Sorry, just feeling really upset about it. And yes, if I could drive, I wouldn't get the bus again.

Yanbu. I'm 8 months pregnant with a 2 year old dd and i got on the bus last week and was standing until the seat behind the seat next to the pushchair became available, I asked the woman sitting in the seat next to the pushchair if she would mind moving back so i could sit down. She said no and then bad mouthed me to her friend for the rest of the journey while i stood there fighting back the tears. It really shook my faith in humanity....Why are people so mean???

I wouldn't get the bus again either if i had a choice...

Please don't let it upset you so much

Last week I offered to move DD and her pushchair so a man with a stick could use the fold down - he declined and sat further up the bus quite happily. I still felt bad! But...He had an obvious disability, you are not (I assume) a mind reader so please don't let it upset you.

The problem here is that busses and trains need more flexible seating for lots of types of users. Personally I get fed up at bikes blocking the train but the space is designated for both users so I have to squeeze in where I can (and barge a few grumpy commuters at the same time ).

YANBU.
He should have told you if he really couldn't move out of the seat straight away.
I sometimes sit in the front seats of the bus but always move if someone who seems they need the seat more than me gets on.
I'm probably unreasonable saying this but I do wonder how they can walk around town doing the shopping and then not step two further paces to sit behind me though.

Idon'tbelieve it - that's awful - what a cow! People are so unreasonable and mean, why do they have to be like that? Ugh. I tend to be a pint half full kind of a gal when it comes to humanity but today I feel like the world is full of nasty people.

Actually I think it depends how you said 'excuse me, would you mind moving so that I can get the buggy in?' Perhaps it did sound rude. I'd have probably said something more like, 'Sorry, is there any possibility that you'd be able to move so that I can get the buggy in?' Not much different but I think the 'would you mind' bit would annoy me. Like I said it depends how you said it, it all comes down to the tone of voice and personally I would've folded the buggy down.

Furthermore if other people were interjecting against the OP then perhaps it was said in a ruder manner than was intended, otherwise they would've kept schtum.

Back cancer? I hate to be super cynical but has anyone heard of back cancer?

Dare I say it - perhaps this guy got worked up and made it up to make you feel bad?

Anyway, even if he didn't, it's a pretty rotten way to treat you.

Just remember for all the nasty people in the world, there are lots of pretty nice ones.

I had something similar the other day, got on bus with ds in pushchair, there were very few people on, I paid my fare, went to push the chair to get to wheelchair bay and an old lady sitting on those raised seats grabbed my pushchair and yelled really loudly "Mind my legs, keep that thing away from me, I have ulsers"
I said, "I'm sorry, I wasn't pushing it anywhere near you, I am looking where I am going and don't intend to bump into you."
I then sat down and she carried on yelling "Shouldn't have those horrible things on a bus anyway, fold it down and put it in the shopping hold. People like you are so selfish etc etc etc".
Now I wanted to tell her to hang on a minute and although I appreciate that things for us these days are so easy and in comparrison she'd have been a hero wit what she prob had to do in the 50's or whenever but that she had no right to talk to me that way when I hadn't done anything wrong, but she was an old lady so I stayed quiet and apologised.
It is awful when this stuff happens, but what can you do?

It's horrid isn't it? I do the wheedling 'would you mind awfully' bit which pisses me off if I'm honest because I want to shout 'just bloody move will you' but I don't get a lot of grief. Very hard though - last time I went on the bus there were two blokes standing by the flip up seats - I asked one to move out of the way as the other one had a stick. Then realised the bloke I'd asked to move was blind and the one with the stick didn't have a stick, it was a mop handle!

Some people love nothing more than to have a go at someone. Particularly a woman with a child and buggy, they are just ready to judge and pounce.
I would have felt like you and been upset for ages, too trying to kind of work out what happened and get it straight in my mind. What they did doesn't make sense and wasn't justified though, and they are probably at home chuntering about something else my now. Try to let it go if you can, it was unfair and you cannot go back and change it.

Discodizzy - I really can't fold it down. We'd been out for the day so had big bag of essentials, plus the raincover, plus wriggly baby who can;t yet stand, plus moving bus - I would have had to get all the stuff out of the pram (with nowhere to put them), and somehow juggled them and my son in one arm and folded the buggy down with the other, all the while trying to keep my balance and not get in the way of people getting on and off. It's just impossible. I've also tried to fold it down before getting on but holding it, and the bags, and the baby, and my bus pass, is just a joke.

So I let one bus go by and waited for a slightly less busy one, and always have to wait anyway for the buses that have special spaces for buggies precisely so I don't have to fold it down. It'll be easier when DS is bigger, can stand up safely and has less stuff, but until then, no, I'm not going to potentially risk dropping him.

I don't think I sounded rude, but if I did then I'm genuinely sorry. And even then, is it really fair to tell me to 'shut up' and call me a 'bad person'? I didn't swear, shout, act agressively. I just asked someone, politely, if they would move.

But yes, I should let it go. Have gone from upset to angry (hence rant to Discodizzy, , and am just tired now.

Thank you everyone for making me feel less like a bad person. I do a good line in Catholic guilt.

I've noticed when getting on a bus (I've got 2 and push chair) I instantly feel watched- holding up the bus till we get seated and I can pay, getting in the way with the pushchair or having to fold it. Then there's the creeping dread of one of the dc being too noisy or whingy or commenting loudly on the other passengers.
An old lady once tripped on the buggy wheels but luckily I caught her in time but I felt awful.

Me too, like people are just waiting to tut about something. I even bought a very narrow pushchair as I knew I;d be on and off the bus a lot, so that it wouldn't get in the way. It's such a rubbish pushchair... and I still get it in the neck! I should have bought one of those monster truck-type prams; wouldn't need to ask people to move, I could just 'accidentally' ram it into their feet!

This sort of thing happens all the time. Try not to let it get to you - easier said than done I know I always really dwell on this sort of stuff. A lot of people are just really really horrible and enjoy making other people feel like shit.