To ask someone to move on the bus and not expect to have 3 people have a go?

[Sufi]

Got on the bus this afternoon with buggy and DS1 (who is 12 months). It was busy but not too bad, and I'd let another bus go by already as it was full. I also waited for a buggy/wheelchair friendly bus, where you're allowed up to 3 buggies, and checked before I got on there was room (there was: there was one other buggy on board).

The flip-up seats were occupied, so I politely but firmly asked a man if he would move so I could get the buggy in. He got up, I thanked him and explained it was so that I didn't leave the buggy in the gangway, blocking everyone getting on and off.

After 20 mins, this man tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'you don't have the right to do that, you know'.

I said, 'do what?'. He said, 'you should have folded your buggy up and you were really rude to me.'

I said sorry, but said (and I was being quite feisty at this point), have you ever tried holding a 1 year old on a moving bus and folding a buggy down? I only did it once and nearly dropped DS1. He then got really irate and said I was really rude and that he had back cancer.

So I immediately apologised - I was bloody mortified - but he was getting off the bus. A woman next to me said I was rude and I should have folded the buggy down, and then this other man laid into me, saying I was rude and a bitch and a bad person.

I was - am - so upset. I just started crying, was so mortified. Of course I'd never ask ANYONE disabled or ill or whatever to get up. but I didn't know. I just asked this man if he would move.

So now I'm worried that I am rude, that I said it in a rude way. I can be quite forthright and maybe that's what they all meant by rude.

Some other people (women) told me not to worry but I couldn't help thinking it was my fault and I've been crying for about an hour. I'm also deeply ashamed and am worried about getting back on the bus again.

Was I wrong - seriously, was I? Is it unreasonable to ask someone to move away from the disabled/buggy area so you can get on the bus? I really can't start folding the pram down, it's just too dangerous. I feel like absolute c**p and never want to get on the bus again.

Sufi - am sorry you had this experience and am not surpised you were tearful, I would have felt exactly the same.

Am also sorry for the guy but he shouldn't have waited until just before he got off before saying something.

I am 8 months pregnant and several times have had people push me out of the way on the bus to get to a seat which has become vacant. In my last pregnancy towards the end twice I had people dig me in the ribs and ask me for my seat.

It does make me cross but has also made me quite militant about getting myself and DD's buggy a space on the bus. I have an hour commute on a packed bus (just me no buggy) with people rammed in like sardines, 8 out of 10 times no-one will offer a seat depsite hovering hopefully around the priority seats. People tend to become very intrigued with their paper/book once they see a huge bump heading their way...

I'm intriged by the back cancer thing.

Did the bloke have to stand for the rest of his journey?

If you are sitting on one of the foldy seats and see a mum with pushchair coming on board, it is surely common courtesy to get up and sit on another seat (if there is one) so mum and pushchair can have the space.

Surely if the man managed to get on the bus, he would be able to move a few feet to take up a free seat.

yanbu. People these days take great delight in being mean. I do not know why.

As for the back cancer thing, yes you can have cancer of the spine, as you can have cancer of bone. It is very painful. But it does not excuse this man being mean to the op, and as for the other people who where mean to her - they need to get a life.

Thanks again everyone. Had a really disturbed night and just plodded miserably round the shops with DS this morning and it's really got to me, amd makes me feel like the world is out to get me. Which I know is daft and not true, as generally DS and I have had really good experiences on public transport - I've been carting him out and about on buses, trams and trains since he was 4mo and this is the first nasty experience, so I guess I'm lucky.

It was just the other people weighing in that shocked me, and being told to shut up and that I was a bad person - said in a really nasty way - by another man.

BUT reading more posts this morning on the thread has helped put it in perspective. I'll try and be less 'school marmy' (that's what my Dad tells me off for being), so maybe that'll help head things off in future.

And it's good to know that other people are nice - as in, you lot!

Lynette - he did stand, but was offered another seat and refused it, so that's why I was so surprised when he had a go at me. Presumably it was the seat I 'took' or nothing!

A bus full of seats that people can sit in, and only one or two spaces for a pram, and people get snarky???!!! Makes me so mad!

I had a London bus driver refuse to take me on a bus which easily had 3 spaces for prams unless I folded the pram up. There were only 2 other prams on there, and my DS was sleeping and I didn't want to fold it up. When I complained to TFL I was told that the policy is only 1 unfolded pram, and any others were at the driver's discretion, because they HAD to leave room for a wheelchair if one came along.

Grrr at TFL!!! If they said - if you are pram no 2 (most buses only take 2 prams, this one was different) and a wheelchair comes along then you will need to get off that would be different. I might come across 1 wheelchair user in a month using buses frequently, but have had to frequently let several buses go past because there were 2 prams on there already.

poor OP, sounds like you were polite and reasonable and did not deserve all that abuse.

Back cancer certainly does exist as I know someone who has had extensive treatment for cancer of the spine which was at first misdiagnosed as osteoporosis (syptoms back pain and rapid marked loss of height)

I had a more pleasant experience when 7 months PG and with DD age 2 and buggy, folded up but having to be lifted into luggage rack. No seats, but and elderly chap in a cap, reminded me of corporal Jones froms dad's army, got up and doffed his cap and offered me his seat. It was so sweet, am all for womens lib etc and if I had not been trying to hold a toddler I would have been happy to stand, but he would probably have been offended if I had refused his kind offer. Now, what about all the fit young men and women who did NOT offer their seat? Would they have done so for an elderly or disabled passenger. probably not.

CP - ah that's like the swingy buses we have here. There aren't many of them but I have had to use them on occasion. When I got on the bus at the front I said I've got to get back off to get the pushchair so make sure you don't go til I get back on at the front again. I still can't quite get over London bus drivers driving off leaving babies without their parents though

In answer to your question, I don't know and its one of those that you can't answer unless you were there; you could look at it this way

possible AIBU ;

AIBU for having a go at a mother with a buggy this afternoon; having just been nearly pushed over by a buggy in the street i get on the bus and sit down as my back is in agony, 2 minutes later another mother and baby get on and virtually demand that I get out of my seat for her precious buggy, she is very rude but i give up my seat. I am offered another one but the man looks knackered himself so I don't take it as surely another seat will come free soon. 20 minutes later, still no seat and can barely stand up at this point, it has been building up in me how rude this woman was so for once I decide to stand up for myself. Other people must have thought I was being reasonable as they stood up for me. I was shot down further (justifying my initial anger) until I told her about my back cancer.

You just don't know what his situation was and how you came across, try to stop thinking about it and move on.

I totally understand this as we have always used buses in London.

I have climbed on full buses and passed dd to someone so I could fold up the pram because I didn't want to wait for another bus.

I have tutted at other people with fuck off great big prams that take up all the space that can fit two prams.

I have been really quite miffed when I have not been allowed to get on a bus because some selfish bastard has left their empty pram unfolded in the wheelchair/ pram area.

etc..etc..ad nauseum.

When I get on a bus I am instantly on the offensive.

Are you?

Three people mentioned your rudeness.

Maybe the tone of your voice suggested that space was your God given right.

From London. People on buses are awful. Bus drivers are also generally awful. Basically, I would do everything I can to avoid buses whilst travelling with my dcs. If I had a buggy, forget it. Buses are the least child-friendly mode of transport I can think of.

Sympathies - it's a tricky age. Too old to go in a sling, and too young to stand - at least while buggy gets folded.

Sounds like the pack mentality - one starts and they all have a go.

Don't believe the back cancer excuse. Why did he wait 20 minutes to tell you?

It was situations like this that made me buy a car when DD1 was 6m old

Londoner here. All this crap is why I will never take a buggy on a bus again. I have done it once and it was a bloody nightmare. I am stupidly polite but it didn't stop people ignoring me, standing in the way, blocking the buggy part etc. A hideous experience. I don't care how much Boris raises the congestion charge. I will pay any money I have to to avoid them.

I find it really odd that so many people consider it a 'privilege' to be 'allowed' to travel on a bus with an unfolded buggy. There are no suitable seats on a bus for a child under the age of around 4, and a baby/child under the age of around 3 or 4 can't be expected to make its way up the aisle hanging on for dear life to whatever pole may be available.

Hopefully in 20 years time we'll be looking back on this in the same way as we look back now at safety standards in cars in the 1960s when there were no seatbelts or proper car seats for children.

Maybe when a child, OAP or other vulnerable person with articulate relatives dies or is seriously injured something will be done. As someone else mentioned, in cars we all have to buckle up before you start your journey, on a bus your lucky to have got your ticket before the drivers puts his foot down and your thrown to the back of the bus or onto some pasengers lap. For those of you who thibk its easy to do thsi whilst carrying a baby/toddler, shopping and trying to fold a buggy why don't you try it today and see how hard it is. Yes I know you all did it in your day, but have a go now and see if its as easy.

My Mum used to walk for miles with her pram as getting on a bus with a buggy or pram was unheard of in her day and even I don't recall taking my dd on a bus with her buggy more than once or twice (the 'kneeling' buses have only been around a few years and not on all routes where I live).

I think that the man in question should have mentioned it at the time instead of 20 mins later and tbh the other people should have wound their necks in but it's a hard one to call from a text. People who don't have young children or never had children tend to view things differently from someone at the coal-face day in day out.

Btw I didn't use buses very much as I generally dislike public transport and I was lucky enough to be able to run a car.

Would it cheer anyone up if I told my happy bus story? Was late for my midwife appointment, saw the bus I needed heading towards the stop and ran for it. Completely forgetting that I was 40+7 and couldn't actually run at all.

Lovely bus driver spotted me and sat waiting at the stop for a good couple of minutes, allowing this red-faced, panting, wobbling loon to catch up. Everyone on the bus cheered when I made it!

This was in inner London, not somewhere you always get a lot of empathy from other passengers. Can only assume they were stunned by the mad woman.

You have a right to expect to use the parent and buggy seats and he has a right to request to sit in a priority seating area. When I'm fit (not at the moment) and have a pushchair I will try to take up only the space it needs and won't kick anyone out of their seat so I can sit next to it, especially if I think they need it more than me as (like now) I have needed the seat more than the parent. I have also sat in that area with my baby in the wrap, but only to take up a seat a parent could have, I wouldn't stop someone from being able to board so I can sit there.

YANBU and there are some really unreasonable and selfish people on buses.

He could have said something in the first place. Did the other people who had a go at you have seats?

I had two incidents of this kind when I was on maternity leave with ds last year. In both cases the bus in question wasn't even anywhere near full.

First time, I asked a man to move so I could sit down with the buggy. Lots of alternative seats and rather unusually, the seat near the buggy space was marked "please offer to people with young children". The man didn't even need to stand up, he could have just moved up (he was on the outside seat of a two person seat, a pet hate of mine particularly when it's people who don't really need to be in priority seats. He stood up and made a point of having a go at me until he got off the bus. There were plenty of other seats. Apparently I'd forgotten to say please. Well, I don't see why a priority seat is something I should have to beg for when there are lots of others, particularly when I would have been quite satisfied if he'd just shifted up next to the window.

The second time, I got on a bus which is laid out so there is one seat where you can sit down with a buggy, a backward facing flip up seat. There are 4 seats opposite, and the forward facing ones aren't even occupied. The flip up seat was taken by an older lady and I wouldn't have dreamt of asking her to stand. I did ask her to move to what I would think would be a more comfortable seat just across the aisle, particularly as that particular bus layout would mean that if she'd stayed put, using the buggy space would have made her more uncomfortable. I was suggesting that she moved into a more comfy seat (IMO) ffs!

She moved and then a 50 something woman sat on the outside of two backward facing seats opposite her launched into a go at me, all the crap about "in my day we all had to fold them up" etc and older lady starts laying on the martyrdom about being asked to move and not wanting any trouble.

I've also found the buggy space occupied by suitcases and once, a baby buggy full of Stella and Nigerian Guinness (no child in sight).

And I have another 9 months of this coming up when I go on maternity leave. At the moment dp is usually with me on bus journeys and I'm over 7 months pregnant so he stands with the buggy and I grab what seat I can unless both seats near the buggy space are available and someone in more priority need than dp doesn't require one of them.

As for drivers, I actually prefer bus drivers who won't let a third buggy on to those who let you swipe your Oyster card before you realise both spaces are taken.

Really can't possibly comment as was not there - but as a rule of thumb, I do think it is helpful to be incredibly ingratiatingly uber polite when asking people to move etc. Nearly always elicits a positive response and warm feelings all around.

I was on my way into Waitrose today. There was a young couple (early twenties) loitering by the entrance...a middle aged woman then joined them, apologising for being a long time and loudly bemoaning another woman who barged in front of her and took a cubicle in the loos because she has a little boy with her (tsk)

I was thinking, you miserable cow - perhaps mother in question should have let 2 /3 year old piss on the floor...then , as I was looking at the strawberries in the fruit and veg section, I idly pondered - perhaps the mum in question hadn't politely asked in self deprecating manner "S'cuse me, would you mind awfully if we went first because my ds can't hold on any longer?" but rather had just assertively helped herself to the loo thinking the needs of her son were self evident...

Bit tangential but you get my drift...

"Well, I don't see why a priority seat is something I should have to beg for"

Sorry (well not really, but form dictates I should say that) Elkiedee for picking on your but you illustrate my point perfectly. Saying 'please' is not begging

I would give people attitude too (tonnes of it) if they failed to say please. Vulgar and rude.

Manners don't take any time and it probably was the difference between someone happily giving you their seat and someone having a go.

I too have had a terrible time on the buses and as I said ended up buying a car as I was sick of rude (maily older women) people and drivers however I was always polite until someone had a go at me!

I remember one time, the bus was pretty empty, I put the pushchair in the pc space, no one had to move, I didn't ask anyone to move (didn't need to sit down) but a very kind old boy offered to move for me, I explained that I was fine but thank you very much for the offer, don't worry I'm OK, there's plenty of room here. He insisted on getting up and moving though and once he'd got off the bus an uinterferring old busy body had a go at me and said the youth of today (FFS I was 32 at teh time!) had no respect and in her day, blah blah, blah, blah, blah. So I stuck up for myself that time and explained that I hadn't asked the man to move or anyone else, I was not in her way, I had not banged into anyone, and she should basically shut up!

Another time I was 8mth pregnant and had a broken arm, none of the ignorant idiots on the bus ofered me their seat or asked their older children to get uo for me, however a short while later some silly bitch asked her son to get up for my husband as they were getting off soon and he could use the seat!!! WTF!!

I love London buses. Only visited a few tims but everytime the drivers asked people to move from the wheelchair space and got mums to fold their buggies - dd is in a wheelchair. And so many accessible buses! Here in Bristol we have old fashioned double deckers so no way can I get on with a wheelchair. Mums with buggies just fold and get on. The once an hour accessible bus generally has some woman with a buggy in the one wheelchair space who refuses to fold. FFS. And the driver just sits there while you argue.
Its why we got a motability car cos I couldn't stand it anymore and that costs an absolute fortune.

Buses in Bristol do cost a fortune don't they. I would always move for a wheelchair, however I can't see why people can't be as couteous to someone with a pushchair