To ask someone to move on the bus and not expect to have 3 people have a go?

[Sufi]

Got on the bus this afternoon with buggy and DS1 (who is 12 months). It was busy but not too bad, and I'd let another bus go by already as it was full. I also waited for a buggy/wheelchair friendly bus, where you're allowed up to 3 buggies, and checked before I got on there was room (there was: there was one other buggy on board).

The flip-up seats were occupied, so I politely but firmly asked a man if he would move so I could get the buggy in. He got up, I thanked him and explained it was so that I didn't leave the buggy in the gangway, blocking everyone getting on and off.

After 20 mins, this man tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'you don't have the right to do that, you know'.

I said, 'do what?'. He said, 'you should have folded your buggy up and you were really rude to me.'

I said sorry, but said (and I was being quite feisty at this point), have you ever tried holding a 1 year old on a moving bus and folding a buggy down? I only did it once and nearly dropped DS1. He then got really irate and said I was really rude and that he had back cancer.

So I immediately apologised - I was bloody mortified - but he was getting off the bus. A woman next to me said I was rude and I should have folded the buggy down, and then this other man laid into me, saying I was rude and a bitch and a bad person.

I was - am - so upset. I just started crying, was so mortified. Of course I'd never ask ANYONE disabled or ill or whatever to get up. but I didn't know. I just asked this man if he would move.

So now I'm worried that I am rude, that I said it in a rude way. I can be quite forthright and maybe that's what they all meant by rude.

Some other people (women) told me not to worry but I couldn't help thinking it was my fault and I've been crying for about an hour. I'm also deeply ashamed and am worried about getting back on the bus again.

Was I wrong - seriously, was I? Is it unreasonable to ask someone to move away from the disabled/buggy area so you can get on the bus? I really can't start folding the pram down, it's just too dangerous. I feel like absolute c**p and never want to get on the bus again.

'Apparently I'd forgotten to say please. Well, I don't see why a priority seat is something I should have to beg for when there are lots of others,'

I'm sorry but saying please is just manners not begging

I think the fact that 3 other poeple said you were rude, indicates that you probably were, or at least came across as suc. And you indiacte that this has been suggested to you previosuly by others you know (dad says you are school marmish etc).

I think that quite often poeple who are not naturally asertive can 'learn' assertive techniques, but as they are rehearsed and not natural they can come across as very brusque.

In this country we do expect a certain amont of grovelliness when asking for a 'favour' such as 'would you mind?' 'oh thank you so much' 'I'm so sorry about this' 'I'm very gratefull' accompanied by some explanation and gesturing abut what a terribel fix you're in.

I thik all this extreme politeness, even when we know we are actually 'entitled' to something, is one of the lovely things about the British, and I think maybe you came up against this.

Also, and I may be wrong here, but your posts give me the impression that you are suspicious of poeple (everyone out to get me), you often feel a victim(I'm always trying to please others) and these types of beliefs will tend to make you brusque and un engaging (is that a word?) wih people. I do wonder if there are other underlying issues? Apologies if I'm way off the mark with that, just a feeling.

Haven't read every single post, but I wanted to add that it is a family joke in our house how often I get picked on and snapped at by grumpy middle aged bastards (male and female) when I am out with the kids, even for things that have absolutely nothing to do with me. They are essentially bullies.

When DH is there, they never try anything on, and if he looms up while they are ranting away, they generally stop.

My response is to either 1. Cry, if I am feeling hormonal, 2. Tell them to fuck right off, if I am feeling impatient (children hate this), 3. Explain politely what I am trying to do without emotion, if I am feeling adult, or 4. Totally blank them.

It's hard, but at the end of the day it's their problem, not yours, so don't beat yourself up about it.

Is this a London phenomenon? Beacuse I have never been 'picked on' or 'bullied' whilst out with children, ever.

I get it all over the place - I got it more in London.

Maybe you look more well 'ard than us

I am very prim and proper I'll have you know!

Maybe it's because I only have 2, so they don't seem like a 'gang' in the way more than 2 can.

Or maybe it's because they are gorgeous, well behaved children due to my excellent parenting

Seriously though, this has never happened to me, and I don't look hard and my children aren't angels, so what is it?just luck?

Put it this way, I forgot to say please, I probably should have done, but...

I think sitting on the outside seat of two priority seats without any reason other than hoping to keep two seats to yourself is actually pretty bad manners, and selfish. Actually more so than forgetting to say please. People who do it do it hoping that no one is going to have the nerve to ask at all, with or without the word please.

I wouldn't wait until I was asked, let alone have the cheek to lecture someone who felt the need to ask me about manners. Really.