Wishing I'd done Law instead of trying to help mums via the NHS

[treedelivery]

So this will be the only negativity I ever post, but GRRRRRRRRR

I crossed Law out and put Midwifery on my ucas form 10 years ago.
Now I am in a loving marriage with a wonderful man who was today made redundant after 13 years, who is a blue collar worker and therefore we are fairly knackered financially.

If only I'd gone for the career with prospects and earning potential, instead of thinking I could be nice to people and it would in some way feed my family. I've had 4 hours sleep after a night shift, been treated mainly with sarcasm and rudeness by all I've been in contact with through work [qoute - 'I've been on this phone for 23 rings trying to find out how my granddaughter is doing and it's a disgrace' - never mind that I couldn't answer the phone as was breaking my very pregnant back trying to get said granddaughter's baby to breastfeed - trying to support her in her choices] and if only I'd done law my earnings would mean we aren't trying to work out if we can save the car.

AIBU to think it isn't worth it for little thanks and rubbish working conditions and shouldn't I have chased the money and comfort and respect and lifestyle.

Am feeling like I need to duck - I know there are many worse off, I know many midwives/maternity services have really pissed off a lot of people on mumsnet and rightly so in many cases, but today I think I will allow myself an hour of letting the bile out.

Boffin - that's a class story of 'how I met your father...' LOL

Can anyone offer any sense as to why we would want to do this for about £30k a year on Christmas Day etc?
Work tommorow, must be positive must be positive rpt rpt rpt rpt

Treedelivery, we lost dd1 in 2005 - she had anencephaly. It was a horrible horrible time, but I will NEVER forget the lovely midwife who delivered my little girl, who stroked her hands and told us she was beautiful, sat with us while we cried, brought dh a spare bed and scrubs so that he could sleep. Who brought me tea and toast - cleaned up when I vomited it all back up - and then brought me some more. Who brought a soft blanket and teddy to wrap my dd up with, and took the only precious photos we have of our little girl.

This same midwife who came bounding in to give us both a hug when she heard I was in giving birth to dd2 18 months later - it meant so so much that she remembered - that she cared and that she made dd1's birth, sad though it was, a dignified and peaceful occasion that I can remember with a smile.

And that's to say nothing of the extraordinary midwife counsellor who listened to me cry on the phone day after day, who came rushing up to the ward to see us and dd2, who brought a Christmas teddy bear for dd2's first Christmas, and who never forgot dd1's name.

And I could add the midwives in EPU this year, when we lost another baby, who were kindness itself to us.

I know these are sad stories, but we are happy, and sane, and whole, and have a lovely dd, and want another baby, and feel confident that whatever happens there are amazing midwives, doctors and nurses who WILL drag themselves out of bed every day to do this, no matter what - I do not know how we'd have coped without these extraordinary, wonderful people - we owe them - people just like you so much I can't begin to say.

Habbibu - thank you for sharing that story with me and us all. I know that I can make it bearable for someone.

I'm really bloody lucky to have seen what you have without having to live through it myself, if you know what I mean.
It means that when my labour was slow and tortuous and a big pile of poo, I was able to think 'but thank God and I'm lucky to be doing this at all'.

I wish sometimes I could explain to some others why I think they should take their own birthing experiences in prespective. I know everyone reacts to everything in a different way and that everyone's feelings are valid. But ultimatlely to be dissapointed in an exprerience cannot surely compare to the life turning event of your dd1. To have that knowledge makes me lucky and looking after people who go through what you went through is one of the most rewarding aspects of the job by a mile.

I get flack for not dropping people in your situation half way through a special moment because there is a buzzer going. But what can I do? I have to see through the type of events you describe. And the vast majority of complaining service users will never even glimpse the type of journey you went on.

Sigh. Bless you.

I could write reams and reams, tbh. I am a huge cheerleader for our hosp - won't hear a word said against it. I know how hard you work, and how much people don't understand, and it makes me angry when people whinge over little things - but I do bite my lip...

Have a good day tomorrow, missus - I hope things look up for you and dh soon.

Really sorry you are having it so tough Tree.
Just read the thread from start to finish.
Am open mouthed at suggestion you should write a letter of apology to that vile disgusting man. Get your union in asap.

I work in the NHS too (as a salt) and while I don't for a minute think i have it as tough as you, you are spot on saying it is about paperwork (and comuter stas.) first and people second.

I go home every single day knowing i have not provided the intervention that people need and deserve becaus of it.e

And yes, we should all stop bloody moaning about 'lack of care'.
My dh works in Bangladesh managing a project that aims to lift 18 000 'ultra poor' women out of poverty.

The first year involves giving them food to build them up because most are too weak and malnourished at present to undergo the basic business training that is the core of the project.

Having your car surrounded by the blind, starving and handicapped every time it stops at traffic lights and watching tiny children scuttle over and lift starving babies to yuor window is not a pleasant experience.

Thanks habbibu - what a star you are.

Already getting pre shift nerves. Dunno about sleep......

Tree, hope it goes okay for you today.

I'm a lawyer too and seem to spend my life dreaming about finding something else to do, so you're not alone! x

"And yes, we should all stop bloody moaning about 'lack of care'"

Sorry moondog, but I can't agree with you there. Just because people in Bangladesh have it worse than we do doesn't mean that we shouldn't expect our maternity services to be run properly - given how wealthy we are as a nation!

And I don't accept that we should all just shut up and be grateful and not say anything when we get crap care. I'm a user representative at my local hospital and I hear stories that would make your hair curl - I'm aware that there are always two sides to every story, but as far as I can see for every health worker who has an unfair complaint made against them, there are 10 women out there who've had inadequate and inappropriate care in labour and postnatally that has negatively impacted on the health of themselves and their babies - who've not made a formal or informal complaint, but have just gone home and become distressed about their experience. The people I listen to don't want to make formal complaints or sue, but they want someone to take notice of what's happened to them. If we trivialise these things or start with the presumption that families are usually in the wrong, and health care workers are usually in the right then we miss a valuable opportunity to learn lessons about the way care is delivered.

Gaby, I agree with you (and I speak as one who has used my own Community Health Council to request an Independent Review into appalling mistreatment of my own family.)

What I mean rather is the petty whingeing, such as the bloke who wanted a drink and then called OP a 'fucking whore' when it didn't arrive.

As for myself, I feel people would rather see fast efficient service than the endless 'consultations' 'consumer feedback'
and targets that exist.

treedelivery - if you are at home at the mo, cheer yourself up by watching Doctor in the house, on now on BBC2. Ah the good old days, when Sister ran the wards and junior docs were the lowest of the low (except lab staff of course! )

classic lines from said film - Sister talking to 2 jr docs on call for home deliveries - "the midwives will help you out, they know what to do..... once it starts, it's like rabbits popping out of the warren "
oh if only...

Treedelivery, can I do a very brief hijack here, and ask your advice on a relevant communication issue in the light of all this?

I contacted my community m/w while she was on duty at the weekend a month ago when I got very bad SPD, and asked her to meet with me briefly to discuss it, and possibly to do a referral. I was very worried and frightened, and she knows I am not normally like this.

She's usually very responsive, but she did absolutely nothing apart from text me back telling me to take paracetemol. I didn't hear from her again until I asked her about a rh blood test that needed doing, so I now have an appointment to see her this weekend.

The question is, I am quite unhappy she ignored me in my hour of need because she has known me a very long time, and I am not demanding at all as a patient. I would like to discuss this with her without her feeling got at or unappreciated, and I am now wondering what would be the best way to brign it up. She will most probably be doing my home birth in a few months' time, so a good relationship is important.

Any advice from m/ws very welcome.

Boffinmum she mauy have very well been tied up with other patients and overwhelmed. Lots of important information leaves midwives/nurses when they are overwhelmed.

I often wake up at 3 am at home and think of something I promised a patient that completely left me in the utter chaos of the shift.

Just ask her about it again.

Ah, OK, I wondered if she thought I was asking something unreasonable, or had decided she didn't like me or something.

[new Xmas nickname, by the way]

Pramspotter,that happens to me too!
Had a dreadful shift again on a busy paediatric mixed medical surgical ward.
The pressure is imense.Thank God I only work one day a week!
I can see the full timers crumpling(sorry,couldn't think of a better word) under the strain.
And don't mention christmas...

Bet she forgot VirginBoffinMum - or was in a proper stinker of a bad mood and thought better this text than the poor woman faces me, or meant to follow you up in a few days, or she might have have though 'that case can wait as long as she can tide over on some analgesia, I must must must go see the baby that isn't feeding.....' and she meant to get back to you.

See if she mentions it this weekend, if not maybe say how you found the paracetamol and how you had got on generally with the SPD. You'll be able to feel your way from there if this was a genuine oversight or failure to apprectiate your need, or if the midwife just decided not to get involved.

I can fail to get it or understand how important something is to someone - and I need it hammering home then.

I wake at 3 am thinking 'shit I never got lady in bed 3 some painkillers' so she may be about to have that moment soon.

So work -
In the grumpy corner, ran around like a beached whale on acid [hardly NHS fault I'm pregnant but you get a good picture] with a cup of tea for fuel from 8 till 2.30 when was white as a sheet and shaking all over. Had half a sandwich break of 10 mins when my lady started to deliver so stuck some lipstick on my cheeks so as not too scare her and went back in to deliver. Brain shut down and I stared into space for rest of day. Slept today from 11pm till 12.30 the house is a tip, dd1 crying every 5 mins and darling redundant husband full of cold and trying so hard to carry the can.

In the positive corner - I remembered all these threads and how loads of women just seem to feel utterly misunderstood, and loads of health staff feel utterly overwhelmed trying to guess what it is 'people in beds' actually want from us.
So I asked her [2nd time mum, laboured quickly 1st, had pethidine and epi] what her ultimate honest aim was. She wanted to do it on gas and air but knew she was a wimp and might need epi. Poor thing kept apologising for this!!!
So instead of feeling like it would be my fault if I couldn't get her through it and help her feel a success, I took her at her word and just kept asking if the plans in place suited her. I went back a few hours after delivery and asked her again if she needed anything explaining, and she seemed very cheerfull and happy with the management. SHe was gratefull too, although am fuddles over what becasue actually she didi it all herself - I caught her baby! I didn't really make any decisions in that labour at all!!
Suppose I just let it go a bit, instead of feeling like I HAD to chase this persons dream for them and bend the reality to suit, I gave her all the control and information and let her come to the [obvious to me] management decisions in her own time.

Previously I'd have been as informative, but more STRESSED that 'mum in bed' was making wrong choices at the wrong time and that she's be gutted when it turned out different to the plans she made. So felt under less pressure and les like 'big mamma midwife who will make it all ok'

None of this would work in a high risk situation - and that's where it all falls down. It's easy when 'it's' easy, when the shit hits fan we stop talking and start doing and that isn't popular.

Might take me another 10 years in the service to get ideas on handling that!!!

Sorry for the essay - my as usual long and deep thoughts on the job!!

Yay festive faces!!

P.S. have changed all my profile so that this day at work cannot be traced back to a real person or department!! Don't want to loose my legal status to practice just now!

Feeling quite positive until I heard a coment about a consultant being a twat for saying something slightly less than perfect.

God do we really have to be perfect absolutley all the time, never read a patient wrong, constantly judge people and what they want us to say exactly right - then balence that against our knowledge and experience [which it seems surprising to so many we have] to a conclusion that every warring nation can accept?

Does everyone in every single job operate at that level?

The expectations are just fierce.

td, glad to hear about your day. I do not work in the caring professions but have been what I think is called a "heavy service user" of maternity and paediatric services due to having a prem baby. It has struck me again and again how much rudeness (both casual and intended) NHS staff that people don't regard as "important" (ie anyone who isn't a doctor) have to put up with. So although I had a surgical delivery here are a few of my reasons to be very, very grateful that in the UK we have midwife-led care:

• the MW who realised half way through my blue light transfer that I had no clue what a C-section would involve, and talked me through who would be in theatre and why they were there
• the MW who supported me when they were administering the spinal anaesthetic because DH wasn't yet there. And held my hand until he did get there.
• the MW who talked me through the issues I was having with expressing for dd. And apologised for the fact that a woman ahead of me had kept me waiting because I didn't look as pregnant as her (i wouldn't have done, i'd just delivered 3 months early)
• and the cons midwife who spent 1 hr with me last week discussing VBAC and answering all my stupid questions

The expectations are brutal, tree, and I get very very pissed off when people slag "The NHS" as a whole for ONE mistake by ONE person in ONE hospital on ONE occasion.

Yes, some HCPs can be crap and negligent - like people in EVERY profession - but most aren't - most work amazingly well and get taken for granted. Even perfection often isn't recognized or thanked...

On a brighter note - help me choose a nice present for my lovely lovely molar pregnancy follow-up co-ordinator - am off the hook, as of today!!!

td, you are so not alone...!

Sometimes wish I'd chosen a maybe not so fulfilling but good paying job, so that when I decided it wasn't worth it, I could always give it up and open a painting school in Tuscany or something a la grand designs!

Bit harder to do it this way round, so decided to change direction a bit and decided to become a..........

HV!!!!!!
Don't know why I bother coming on here though! Only just started the course and have only come across great HVs, so think either all HVs round here are deluded and think they're much better than they really are or some MNs are really unlucky...
Either way, it's not a good feeling and guess what? Not that well paid either for the constant stress!

I'm starting to think I'm just not that good at making choices and therefore probably deserve/am not worth a job with a good work/life balance and decent pay...!